by Cerys du Lys
Spike’s cigarette flew from his hand and extinguished on the ground, smothering us in darkness. I could feel his slow, strong heartbeat under my hand and become uncomfortably aware of his closeness.
“Don’t fucking say that. He could be listening.”
Spike’s face was indiscernible in the dark. “Julia, no one should have to live like this.”
His speech was badly slurred, but the words burrowed in my head, warm and perfect but dangerous. I shook my head violently and pulled back but he held my arms and I tried to fight the longing stirring in my heart.
“I’ll talk to him.”
And he let me go and actually walked forward. I grabbed his hand and yanked him so hard that he stumbled.
“You’ll get me killed. Just leave it alone, Spike.”
I threw my cigarette into the puddle and stormed out of the alley, leaving him behind.
* * *
Spike was unusually quiet when Cain drove him home. I sat in the back, quietly panicking as the streetlights passed in a blur.
Twice, Cain looked at him with a puzzled look on his face. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Nothing. I feel a hangover coming on,” he said in a flat voice.
“Normally, I have to tell you to stop talking.”
Blood rushed in my face as Cain glanced at the rearview mirror at me.
Spike, you’re a horrible actor.
He was not a guy who could conceal his emotions. When he was pissed off, he let the world know. Cain, however, was a blank slate. Impossible to read. And me?
I gathered my thigh and pinched hard to lose the worried look on my face. Nothing could erase the terrifying attraction I felt for Spike.
That’s fine, I told myself. You will never act on it, that’s all. It was disturbing, it was dangerous and I needed to kill it. Now.
We stopped at Spike’s apartment, which was tucked at the edge of Dragon territory. He swung out of the car with more grace than I expected of a man who drank as much as he did.
“Bye.”
As Spike disappeared inside, I got out and slipped into the passenger’s seat.
“So what the hell happened between you two?”
I bit my lip hard. I prayed that Cain wouldn’t notice, but of course he fucking did. “Nothing, really. I just don’t like him.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Everyone likes Spike.”
Shrugging, I looked ahead and pretended not to care. “Well, I don’t. He annoys me.”
I can’t be around him.
“Well, you’re going to have to get over it because I’m going to send him to the bars you’ll hustle. To protect you.”
Well, fuck.
“Besides,” he said as he stopped the car, “I wouldn’t be able to stand watching those assholes groping you all day.” He opened the door, his seething energy following him out.
I sighed as he swept around and opened the door for me. Such courtesy behind all that violence. His face was joyless as I took his hand and leaned into his chest. I squeezed his hand and stroked it with my thumb, pressing myself into his chest. Desperately seeking that flash of warmth I felt with Spike.
Nothing.
Coldly, Cain pulled me upstairs and once we crossed the threshold. I had a job to do, so I launched myself at him. For a moment, he thought I was attacking him and he grabbed my arms and pinched them hard enough to leave bruises. Ignoring the pain, I kissed under his jaw and flicked my tongue across his skin listening for his intake of breath.
I bit his ear. “You’re not the only one who had to watch someone they wanted all night across the bar.”
His energy shifted after I said that. His hand stopped over the small of my back and he dipped into his jacket pocket, holding Red next to my face. I pulled away from him, heart hammering as he turned to me with a slick smile on his face.
“That’s what I want,” he said when he saw me backing against the sofa.
He unscrewed the cap.
“Cain, please don’t.” My hands gripped the black leather behind me, my eyes darting to the door. “You’ve never done it in front of me. You might kill me.”
“I won’t.”
Helplessly, I watched as he lifted the red dropper in the light and grinned at my fear.
I tried to be nice—I tried to pleasure him but he doesn’t want that. He wants to own me, body and soul. He wants me cringing with fear whenever he walks into the same room.
I couldn’t get over how someone so handsome could be so evil. Dressed in slacks, he looked like a perfect gentleman. Intimidating, but professional. His eyes reddened and he threw the Red aside, it smashed on the tiles in a small pink puddle.
I won’t give him the satisfaction. I won’t show my fear.
I forgot that as he cornered me against the couch, my arms stiff on the leather. I didn’t dare touch him. One wrong word or action and he would snap. I could see the drug coursing through his system. His eyes were lively, animated and he gripped my chin lightly as I winced, expecting a slap.
“Do you still want to give me everything I want?”
He kissed me and it was the opposite of tender. My lips trembled against his as his fingers dug into my shoulders, hurting me.
“Yes,” I gasped.
“No, you don’t.”
Without warning, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked me towards the bedroom. I whimpered in pain as he shoved me inside. I sprawled on the floor, bewildered as Cain stood over me, his fists clenched.
“Take off your clothes.”
On the floor, I fought the urge to cry as I slipped the dress from my shoulders and down past my knees. I tossed the heels and removed my thong.
“Now get up and turn around.”
I raised myself, not wanting to turn my back towards Cain. I heard him move somewhere and open a drawer, removing several things before shutting it again. The coarse fabric of his suit bumped against my back and his arm wrapped around my waist, sliding down my hips and swinging back to stroke my dry clit. His chest rumbled in pleasure and he groped my wrist, slapping handcuffs around it as he tied a rope and fastened it to the bedpost. He did the same with the other arm.
“What are you going to do?” Fuck me? Please tell me that’s all you intend to do?
“Something I should have done the moment you entered my apartment.”
Soft, leathery tendrils swept up the back of my thigh, making my muscles shiver. Suddenly, they moved. I heard the fine strands whistling through the air. A cry erupted from my throat as they whipped across my legs like tiny scalpels. Burning pain radiated from the blow.
“You’re going to learn to obey me without question. You will not choose to be with me. I will.”
They slashed over my backside this time, the sensitive skin screaming. “Cain, please!”
“Yes, beg me,” he whispered.
I screamed as the next blow landed on my other cheek. “You don’t have to—ah!”
My body jerked as blow after blow rained down on my flesh. I bit my lip hard enough to split, and my throat thickened with tears. The more I screamed, the harder he hit me. Cain unleashed every ounce of his fury on my body.
“STOP!”
Between the sounds of my screaming and the whistling of the flogger, Cain spoke with a malevolent twist in his voice. “I heard the clubhouse has an issue with pests. Rats in the basement. Hundreds of rats scratching and clawing at the wood foundations. Perhaps you could get rid of them for us?”
His low chuckle reverberated in my ears as I sobbed. My back was on fire and I imagined hundreds of huddled, brown bodies climbing my body and biting. His low voice chuckled again as I twisted in the robes, hopelessly bound. Every movement was agony and still the whips rained down.
“Look at how pathetic you are, cringing at your irrational fears. I am so glad I am not like you—I’ve always been special.”
I sagged against the ropes, hating him as blood trickled down my back. Fuck you, you sadistic monster. I would never wan
t to be like you.
My back trembled as I waited for the next blow, but there was a loud thump as Cain dropped whatever he was holding and approached me. My legs shook violently as his hand gently brushed my hair.
“This is so much more—this is what I wanted from you.”
He moaned and I felt his erection digging into my raw flesh.
“No, please. It hurts.”
Cain was beyond pleading. He lifted his arm in front of me, which now held a knife. I tensed for a moment, but he simply sawed through the ropes binding me, not even bothering to uncuff me. Both arms freed, he shoved my back so that I bent at my waist. I knew what he was planning. My legs tightened and I cried silently into the comforter. His slippery hands grabbed my hips and forced my legs apart. His slacks were already off, I could feel his bare legs against mine, his cock throbbing against my ass.
I screamed into the comforter as a thick mass forced between my legs, parting my walls painfully as he jutted his hips and his cock split me open. My hands balled over the sheets as I let out a long, painful moan. Cain grunted as his cock speared me, his hands gripping my raw hips as his body slammed into my aching flesh.
“Please, stop!”
It felt like the first time I had sex, utterly painful and humiliating. His rough thickness jammed inside me, so painful that it felt like a knife. Until finally, against my will, my body lubricated his cock. I didn’t want it—I didn’t want him. I hated him for his cruelty, but still my body responded to him even though my mind didn’t want it. He liked inflicting brutal, sexual pain, but I just cringed and hoped it would be over fast.
His body leaned over mine and I screamed again as he rubbed against the wounds crisscrossing my back. His heavy breaths and groans filled my ears as his weight dropped over me, his cock still pounding with a rhythmic stab, until finally he buried himself and groaned and it was all over.
Cain’s breathing eased and he unstuck himself from my body as I laid there, tears streaming down my face silently.
Please just kill me. What was the point if every day was going to be like this?
“Julia?”
He lifted me up and I moaned again as my back straightened, my skin screaming. He turned me around in his arms and I saw his bloodshot, widened eyes. The drug finally left his system and he returned to normal. Whatever the fuck that was. There were dots of blood all over his abdomen. My blood. I wanted to vomit.
“I lost control. I didn’t want to take it that far.”
I would never get an apology from him. I was afraid to look at him with a challenge in my eyes.
He loved every minute of it.
“Come on, let’s take a bath.”
I flinched horribly as he touched my face and a spike of fear pierced my heart.
His eyes hardened. “I see.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt me, please.”
Something battled in his eyes. I could tell that my response did not satisfy him.
* * *
The night was spent in agony as I lay beside Cain in bed. I burned. I bled. I consumed myself with thoughts of running out the front door. Sliding out of bed, I fished through his nightstand and found the bag of powder that would take me away from all this. Then I sat in the kitchen and lit a cigarette as I did line after line over his glass table. Eventually, I felt numb.
Maybe I’ll get lucky and OD.
The dark thought stunned me. I was never a suicidal person, but it struck me that overdosing on coke wouldn’t be a bad way to go.
I don’t want to go at all, but I don’t want to live like this, either. I never felt so low in my life. The taste of the outlaw life was sweet, but I never wanted this.
I just wanted a taste.
I wet my finger and mopped up all the bits of powder until they clung, and then I wiped them vigorously over my gums. Suddenly, I heard him moving in the bedroom. I clenched my teeth.
“What’s this?”
I looked behind me and saw him standing in boxers and a wife beater, clutching a pistol at his side.
“What’s it look like?” Inwardly, I cringed. I can’t believe you’re mouthing off to him.
While he had a gun.
I must have a death wish. The coke made me uninhibited and I didn’t give a fuck.
He slapped the gun on the table and sat down next to me, running his hand through his white-blonde hair as he stared at the mess I made.
“That’s at least three hundred dollars worth of blow you just snorted. You’re a fucking junkie.”
“If last night is going to happen on a regular basis, I’m going to need this. Care to explain the gun?”
He glanced at it. “I thought you left.”
Another sliver of fear managed to slip into my numbed brain. Me, sprawled on the ground with a bullet in the back of my head, red staining my hair. Just like Bryan.
“Whatever,” I shrugged. “This is my life. As long as I’m numb, I can’t feel pain.”
My hand reached for the bag, but he took my hand in his and squeezed. “Julia, I don’t want a ghost as my old lady. It was a mistake.”
He pulled me into his lap and I felt sickened with myself as my naked thighs lay across his. He was my captor and my abuser, but I needed the comforting heat of his body.
My arms wrapped around his neck as I buried my face into his chest, allowing myself to feel better by a man who—moments ago—repulsed me. His hands stroked my thighs to avoid the wounds on my back.
Already feeling the growing hardness, I wrapped my hand around his cock and squeezed. I wanted to fuck him now because maybe it would cancel out the horrible experience of last night. I could pretend that I wanted it.
I raised my body, flattening my breasts against his face as I tugged his briefs down to his knees. He grabbed my chest and his tongue swirled around my nipple, setting off a million pleasure nerves. I grabbed his pulsing cock and sank down swiftly. He gave me a wide-eyed gasp as I moved up and down, bouncing on his lap as I clutched his face to my chest.
His tattooed arms grabbed my face and he kissed me hard as I was suspended over him. I sank down and he gave another gasp of ecstasy. I let my body give in to the pleasure pounding inside me. As long as I was in control, it was fine. Closing my eyes, I kissed him back and imagined that a certain lanky, curly-haired man sat under me instead of Cain.
It was wrong, but I didn’t care anymore. His hands snaked up my waist and grabbed my shoulders as he began to thrust into me, taking control. I met his thrusts by plunging down, both of us sighing as our bodies joined together in a satisfying smack. Spike, Spike, my mind kept crying out.
“Julia.”
He pulled me down and thrust hard enough to jar my body. I lost it. I moaned into his hair as my body clenched all over him and then he gave out a satisfied groan. I sank down, my legs still straddling him as a warm wetness started to drip down.
I opened my eyes, half-expecting to see a surly grin and brown hair, but relaxed, grey eyes stared at me, framed by the blondest hair.
The deepest shame I ever felt spread through my body like poison.
SPIKE
Often, when I was a kid, I thought that there wasn’t a more beautiful sight than a cloudless night sky strung with stars.
Smoke spiraled into the crisp night air, rising until it dissipated into a thousand molecules. I imagined it rising to space, suspended in the vacuum like a small cloud. Many nights, I stopped my bike along the deserted highways to admire its beauty.
As Victoria gradually became more scummy and the hills filled with boxes, lines of smog choked the air and obscured the beauty over my head. It was getting cloudy and fucked up, just like everything else in the world. Soon, there wouldn’t be a scrap of clean air to view the sky.
I wanted to blow the corruption away and yet, I was part of making it worse. I accepted it. Maybe because I couldn’t live a straight life, but maybe because the MC was strong enough to finally bring justice to thos
e who had none. Like my folks.
I dug the cigarette in my boot and dropped it on the ground. I didn’t want to think about them because they would be goddamned ashamed of me if they saw me now.
Because of that woman. Julia.
A swooping feeling like missing a stair on a staircase shot up my stomach. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. When I saw her crying in the bar, it was like a punch to my gut. It brought out an instinct inside me to destroy the motherfucker who hurt her. I couldn’t stand seeing her upset, and she looked at me with wide eyes for help. What did I do? Nothing.
I’ve done so many terrible things in my life without feeling any real remorse. I lived my life on the edge, never caring about nothing, completely numb to pain.
Until that day.
When I realized Crash was going to kill her, I realized how low my life was. Eventually, there will be a day when I can’t hide from the things I’ve done. I was a deadbeat criminal, a destroyer of life, a thug, a mercenary, but I lived by a certain code. No women. No children. And then I was being asked to violate my code, and I almost followed through. I never felt like such an asshole in my life.
Still, she was so brave. She stayed calm and cool during the whole thing and made the eight on the break, making the whole club look like a bunch of assholes. I loved it. At the pool hall, too. She just always looked so cool.
I pushed off the column and walked inside the clubhouse. Rock music crashed on the speakers but I had given up trying to persuade Crash to change the music. Members lifted their hands in greeting and I gave them a cheery wave.
A curvaceous, beautiful blonde stood by the pool table, quietly sipping a rum and coke. Julia was dressed in a more casual outfit with a leather jacket and skinny jeans. Surprise quickly shot up my stomach and I wheeled towards her.
“Hey.”
“Hey, yourself.” She nodded stiffly, her arms crossed firmly over her chest.
“Oh, baby it’s cold inside,” I sang the jazzy tune and laughed, but Julia’s eyes slid away from mine with indifference.
Ouch.
She turned her back on me and walked down the length of the table, cradling her drink. Clearly, she wanted nothing to do with me. Failing to keep her attention felt like a personal failure. It shouldn’t hurt so badly, but it did. I gave her a crooked smile to let her know that her attitude didn’t affect me and then I meandered to the bar. At 11 am, Crash already nursed a whiskey.
