by Cerys du Lys
Risa huffed. “It’s called being nice, Damian. Something I highly recommend you look into. Really.”
I stopped her from walking away from me with one firm tug on her ponytail. “You don’t want nice. If you did, you would’ve punched me in the throat long before now.”
“Really?”
She thought I was joking. I was completely serious. “Really, really.”
“You’re so arrogant.”
“I’ll take that as truth.” I leaned down to whisper in her ear, “I really want you to wait for me.”
“As you do what?” Risa kept her voice as soft as mine.
She was thawing. This was good. “I’m going to walk Gretchen to her car and then I’m coming back to you so we can continue our evening.”
Her head tilted in consideration. I could see the battle raging between what she really wanted and what her pride dictated. I imagined Risa’s heart must be trying to step outside her chest for all her stillness belied.
She needed prodding and I was very good at that. “It’s not that difficult of a decision, is it? All you have to do is wait five minutes for me. That’s all.”
Just do what I say, Risa, and you won’t regret it.
“No, I’m just going to go home.”
I knew then I’d lost my connection to her. I didn’t have to turn around to know why.
“I’m ready to go back to my hotel, Damian, and I don’t feel up to driving.”
“Gretchen, I asked that you wait for me.” I realized my colossal mistake as soon as the terse words broke into being.
How could I say the same thing to her that I just said to Risa? Shit!
Risa withdrew inside herself, leaving me standing on the outside of her surface indifference. She birthed another lying smile and turned away with a snappy salute. “I’ll leave you two alone. Thanks for dinner. See you tomorrow at the office!”
“I’m sorry, Risa, for tonight.”
“It’s no biggie!” she said over her shoulder. Heels clacked away into silence, leaving me alone with my past.
“Nice girl. Is she why you left me?”
“No. I left you long before I ever met her and more importantly, I left you because it was time.” Gretchen’s anguished huff communicated the need for me to minimize her suffering. “I’m sorry for how things turned out. I really am.”
“Not sorry enough to keep from moving on.”
“No, not sorry enough to keep from moving on.” I waited for Risa to come back. We had taken my car and her apartment was 3.16 miles away from mine.
She can’t walk that far. Especially at night.
“I hate her.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do, Damian. I hate her for taking you away from me.”
I didn’t bother to deny her accusation. She would believe what she wanted and I wasn’t inclined to try to reason with her. Besides, it would only give her false hope.
“I hate you for moving all the way out here and taking the director’s position when you didn’t really have to.”
“My business dictates my actions, Gretchen. You know that.”
“Fine. I hate that it’s over between us and there’s nothing I can do.”
“I’m sorry for that as well, Gretchen.” My attention stayed fixed at the end of the breezeway. Not surprisingly, Risa was going to let her pride dictate her actions. Foolish girl. I was going to have curb that kind of behavior in the future.
“Does she know who you really are?”
“Of course not.”
“Does she know what you’re really like?”
“No. Then again, you don’t really know who I am either.” I didn’t mean for my statement to be unkind. It simply was the truth.
Gretchen inhaled sharply. “Maybe so, but you’re playing unfair with her. It might blow up in your face. I’ve seen it happen before.”
“Not with me.”
“No. I mean I’ve seen it happen to someone else.”
I willed Risa to come back to me. The still-empty breezeway proved my ineptitude. I shouldn’t have given into her pride. I should’ve tossed her over my shoulder and locked her up in my room.
But it’s too early for that. Much too early.
“Damian?”
Gretchen’s lyrical voice was beginning to grate on my nerves. “I heard you. That was someone else’s story. Not mine.”
“Maybe. You cannot manipulate someone into this kind of world, Damian. Into your world. You know better than that. You’re a charming bastard when you want to be. Use that charm and she’ll fall into your lap. She wants to—all you have to do is open up a bit.” Gretchen sniffled inelegantly. “Although why I’m telling you is anyone’s guess.”
A rare smile crossed my lips. “I appreciate your loyalty, Gretchen, even if it’s a bit coarse.”
She moved next to me and briefly touched my arm. “I’m sorry I came here. I can see now that it was a mistake. I really thought we were right for each other.”
Gretchen’s grief clung to me like a sour perfume. I stomached the sensations in favor of what we once shared. “So did I.”
“Then what changed?”
“I confused my affection for you with permanency. I was wrong.”
“If you just want to fuck her then do it. As long as you come back to me I really don’t care what you do.”
I knew how much it cost Gretchen to say those words. Intelligent, proud, and ruthless, she was my equal in every way but this.
“I would never do that to you. I don’t share and I’d never expect you to share either.”
“Then what do you want?” Gretchen’s pinched mouth and grooved brow begged for understanding.
“I just want her. Completely. I want to break her, dig out her imperfections, and remake Risa into who I know she can be.”
“I let you do that with me, Damian. I’ve never let anyone else do that—just so you know. I break men. I don’t let them break me and yet I let you do it.”
It’s not about letting me. I don’t want her to let me. I want to make Risa do it. I want to make her do it and I want her to love me all the more for it.
I sighed. It was a small, petty thing. “You’ve given me many beautiful memories, Gretchen, and I thank you for them.”
“You’re breaking my heart with your politeness. I’d rather you pulled me over your lap and spanked me until I screamed.”
I finally turned away expecting Risa to come back. I cupped Gretchen’s cheek. My tenderness brought her more sadness and I was very sorry for it. “You’re only playing on my side of the world, Gretchen. You were never meant to be mine.”
“You’re wrong. I was meant to be yours. I had to be…” her voice cracked. Her lashes swept down to hide the tears shimmering in her bruised gaze. “Why else would I feel this for you?”
“Because you let yourself do so. I was the safest option because some part of you always knew it would end like this.” I enfolded her in my arms. The delicate scent of her perfume reminded me of heirloom roses and happier times between us. “You could never be just mine. Not the way I want.”
Gretchen took a step back and squeezed her eyes shut. “I let you do everything you wanted with me. How could that not be enough?”
“What I’m looking for, what I see in Risa, isn’t the same as what we had.”
“Then what is it?”
I smiled at the grudging question. Gretchen’s curious intellect couldn’t be denied even in the midst of heartache. She would eventually see I’d done us both a huge favor in letting her go. Gretchen had the soul of a predator. Her time as prey with me would make the hunger sharper—especially now that she understood what it felt like to be devoured.
Gretchen’s business as a dominatrix was bound to benefit from her heartache. Eventually, she’d see this was all for the best. Gretchen Smith deserved all the happiness in the world and she deserved a man who’d see her the way I saw Risa.
As the final and most important challenge…
>
I brushed my fingers across her patrician cheekbone, suddenly feeling my emotions soften with nostalgia and appreciation for having this beautiful creature’s devotion for as long as I did.
Goodbye, my sweet fairy.
“What is it? It’s something I don’t even fully understand. All I know is that by doing this with her, by suffering for her, I’ll finally find my purpose.”
“Which is?”
My tone reflected hers—afraid and bemused.
“To love only her.”
20
RISA
Damian left me alone for the rest of the night but appeared as soon as it became light enough to qualify for morning.
I startled awake as soon as the heavy door opened. I pushed myself up against the headboard, mouth shut and wary eyes fixated on him. Bare-chested, Damian had on the same pair of dress slacks he’d worn the night before. Knowing how fastidious he was about his clothing, I hoped it meant he was not completely at ease with the situation as he appeared to be.
I hope he feels bad. I hope he fucking chokes on it.
Damian balanced a silver tray with one hand and carried a tall glass in the other. The food captured my attention completely. My stomach growled loudly.
“I won’t ask if you slept well last night. I will ask if you’d like to go to the bathroom first or if you’d like to eat first.”
Several seconds passed in strained silence. Damian arched his brow and waited with the patience of the sainted. Or the damned. It was rather difficult to tell which considering the circumstances.
“Bathroom.”
“Okay. You should know it’s through that door over there.”
“Are you going to do something about this?” I pointed at the chain, refusing to touch it.
His decisive shake of the head punctured my hope that the morning would bring something new. “No. It’ll reach.”
“Damian…I…”
He paused in the middle of setting the tray and drink down. Without looking at me, he warned, “I’m not going to take it off.”
“You’re hurting me.” My voice came out raw, strangled by my profound sense of betrayal. “You’re hurting me so much.”
“I know.”
Damian’s calmness set off a shriek of rage. I reached behind me and hurled a pillow at him. He merely sidestepped the feathery missile. I clenched my fists and cried, “Why are you being like this?”
Look at me! Please make this better! Please, Damian!
Damian set the rapidly cooling food on the nightstand by his bedside before turning on the lamp. “You’re not in the right frame of mind to listen to anything I have to say. Would you like some juice?”
“Answer me!” I kicked out with both of my feet.
He inhaled deeply and slammed the glass down. The words spilled out of him sharp and merciless. “Because it’s what you need.”
“No!”
“Yes!” Damian rounded the bed. He pressed down on my knees with one hand, putting an end to my flailing tantrum. “You’re asking me the obvious but not what you really want to know.”
My fury flickered because of his confidence. “You’re wrong. I really want to know why you’ve chained me like a dog!”
“I could’ve chained you anytime I wanted, Risa, and you would’ve loved it. I could’ve made you come just from the thought of being my pet. This isn’t what’s bothering you.”
His pronouncement was too close to my thoughts of the night before. I reared back and kicked Damian in the stomach. The sound of his pain left a satisfying mark on an otherwise nightmarish situation.
“You try being chained up against your will and then you can lecture me on what’s really bothering me.”
Damian stood up from his hunched position. He made a very good giant. “Stop letting your pride and how you think you should react control what you’re really feeling.”
I wanted to scream. I didn’t want Damian to talk to me as if I were to blame for our current circumstances. I hated his calm, unruffled exterior but most of all I hated myself.
Even now I just want him to hold me and make this all better. Idiot! How can I think this kind of garbage?
“You planned this from the beginning.”
He didn’t deny or confirm. “Why do you believe I would do something like that, Risa?”
“To prove that you’re in charge! To prove that I can’t possibly do something on my own that you disagree with! To punish me!”
“Wrong.”
I shrieked a pitiful cry of helplessness and despair. I wanted to take my chain and wrap it around his neck.
Damian dropped onto the bed next to me. “Let it out, little girl. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“No!” I pointed a finger in his face. “Don’t try to act as if you care, as if this is all going to make me feel better.” Memory slammed into me. I exhaled as if mortally wounded.
This is exactly what Gretchen thought. This is exactly what she felt while she cried at his feet. How did she survive it? How will I?
“Yes, I do care. Do you know why? Because you belong to me and always will.” Damian gathered me in his arms and rocked me. “Ssh, baby girl. Stop fighting. I’m still the man you love. That hasn’t changed.”
Embarrassment made a fool of me. “Love you? How do you know…why do you think…I don’t love—”
“You finish that sentence and I’ll really make you sorry for lying to me.”
The venom in Damian’s threat silenced me for all of three seconds. “You don’t deserve any kind of truth from me. You fucked this all up, Damian. Why?”
He sighed and settled back against the headboard with me firmly in hand. “I didn’t plan this, Risa, but I going to make the best of it.”
“The best of it. Knocking me out and bringing me here before chaining me up like a misbehaving pet is your idea of making the best of it?”
“Yes. You’ll see.” I tried to pull away. Damian tightened his arms around me. “I’m glad for you trying to sneak out.”
“I’m not glad you caught me.”
“You say that now.”
“I’ll say that always.” Our sparring reminded me of old times, better times.
“We couldn’t keep going the way we’ve been. It wasn’t honest. We fucked, we spent time together, we played, we fucked some more but it wasn’t what I wanted for us.”
“I liked it just fine.”
“Liar.” He took the sting out by squeezing my hip. “Don’t be afraid—not everything’s changed.”
“It has. I can’t trust you.”
“You never did. You’ve had one foot out the entire time we’ve been together.”
Damian’s insight floored me. I never suspected he knew. Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to admit it.
“That’s n-not true.”
“Yes, it is. It’s been that way since you saw Gretchen.”
I pushed at his arm. “Then why did I keep seeing you?”
Damian tightened his hold on me until I gasped. “Jealousy.”
“You’re so full of yourself!” I winced in preparation of a brutal squeeze that never came.
“I’m not. I just know you, Risa. That’s all. I’ve known you since I first saw you.” He nuzzled my cheek so gently. “I knew you were it for me. I knew it and it pissed me off.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t want to have to hurt Gretchen by never being able to go back to her. And because—”
21
I wiggled one of my arms free and slapped Damian. The ugly sound of flesh striking flesh inflamed my misery. I’d never struck him or anyone like that before. I wasn’t a violent person. I really wasn’t, but the rage that boiled inside me had turned me into someone else.
Someone I didn’t recognize.
Oh my God!
Lashing out in guilt, I yelled, “If you loved her so damned much maybe you should’ve just stayed with her instead of wasting your time on me!”
His cheek flushed wit
h blood. My handprint became a beautifully impermanent tattoo. Damian’s gaze glittered with rage, but his voice remained as soft as it ever was. “I’m letting you get away with that now because you’re proving me right. Don’t do it again.”
“I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry but you have no right to throw that in my face, Damian.”
“Why did you react so violently when I brought up her name? Are you jealous?”
“No!”
He touched his cheek briefly. “Yes, you are. You’re sick with jealousy and always have been. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to address it then, but I’m going to break you of that now.”
The arrogance of this man! “Don’t bother.”
“I refuse to spend the rest of our lives with this hanging over our heads.”
My stomach dropped further. Damian’s imagination was an elegantly brutal landscape. His threat could ensure anything. I smothered my fear with outward contempt.
“It’s not jealousy. I don’t like you rubbing my face about poor Gretchen. Maybe I don’t like you blaming me for you leaving her. And maybe, just maybe, I don’t like what you’ve done to me!”
“I didn’t leave her because of you. I’d already left her because our relationship ran its course. You had nothing to do with it at that particular junction.”
Damian’s cold-bloodedness got under my skin. “I don’t care.”
“Of course you do. Would you rather hear me say I left her because of you? That I fell in love with you at first sight? Would that soothe your pride, Risa?”
I closed my eyes and savored the masochistic rush of Damian rooting inside my secret self. Had I really become this shallow? “Would you have chained Gretchen like this?”
“No, you vain girl, I wouldn’t have done this to her or anyone I’ve been with. I told you already. I meant it.”
Something beautiful and dark pushed through the barren ground of normalcy.
He’s not lying to me.
I deflated and rested my head against his chest. My heart lightened just enough for me to say, “Captivity makes me special then.”
