She’s taking a pie out of the oven when I walk in the door a little after 11:00 P.M. My house smells a hell of a lot better than any of the hotel rooms I stay in, and now that I’m sleeping better I miss my bed when I’m away. I can’t believe how many months I wasted sleeping on the couch.
I watch as Claire sets the pie on a wire rack. She’s wearing her hair in a ponytail and a few strands have escaped. I suddenly have the urge to tuck them behind her ears, so I set down my laptop and suitcase and walk to where she’s standing.
“Hi,” she says, reaching over to turn off the oven.
“Hi,” I say.
She picks up a casserole dish from the counter and steps around me, like I’m in her way.
“Can I help you with anything?” I ask.
She puts the casserole in the fridge. “No thanks.” Exhaling, she says, “I’m almost done.”
Sometimes I forget how busy she is, holding down the fort at home. She’s got her own work, the kids, and the house. Just because she makes it look easy doesn’t mean it is. She’s wearing a pair of pink flannel pajama pants with white snowflakes on them. Her pink cotton long-sleeved T-shirt is just snug enough that I can see the outline of her breasts. I take off my jacket and think about how nice it will be to sleep in my own bed tonight, next to Claire. Spend the day with her and the kids tomorrow. Just knowing that most of the country will be taking the day off and that I can get away without working at all if I want to has put me in a good mood. “Do you want to watch a movie, or something?”
“No,” she says. “I’m exhausted. I’ve been baking and cooking and trying to keep the kids from bouncing off the walls all day. I’m going to bed.”
“Okay. Good night.” I want to kiss her, even if it’s just a quick peck before she goes to bed, but I’m not fast enough, because before I can even reach out for her, she’s gone, grabbing her phone and walking toward the stairs without a backward glance.
38
claire
I’m lying in bed waiting for Daniel’s call. Chris’s request to watch a movie together caught me off guard, and I feel some remorse for saying no. It’s what I’ve been yearning for. Spending time with him would have been the right thing to do, but I’m not that eager to fulfill his request. Not out of spite. Not out of any sense of retaliation. I simply don’t want to watch a movie. I’m tired and I’d rather stretch out under the covers of my warm bed and talk to Daniel. He texted earlier. Can I call you tonight? Late? I texted back. Yes. It’s all I’ve been able to think about.
We never discussed the things he said on the phone the night I called him when he was out with the guys. I thought it might be weird the next time I saw him, but I didn’t say anything and neither did he. We simply acted as if the whole thing never happened. And I certainly didn’t mention it to Elisa when she asked if I’d talked to Daniel recently. I was certain she’d warn me to be careful. Tell me I was heading toward the deep end.
I’ve always been careful, but I wouldn’t mind being a little less careful.
Then, about a week later, he called me. It was late and I’d been watching a movie in bed. When my phone rang I answered it and without preamble he said, “Are you in bed?”
I knew instantly that we were back on that unfamiliar ground, and a ripple of excitement washed over me. I reveled in the anticipation, wondering what he might say. “Yes,” I said.
“Were you sleeping?” he asked.
“Not yet.”
“How was your day?” I pictured him settling in for a long conversation, maybe lying in bed the way I was.
“Uneventful. How was yours? Did you help your friend move?” Daniel didn’t have to work that day, but he’d volunteered to help one of his fellow officers move into a new home.
“Yes. My back is killing me. He had the heaviest furniture I’ve ever carried. I need a massage. Know anyone who’s good at them?” I could tell by his suggestive tone that he wouldn’t mind if I was the one who rubbed him down.
“I’ve got a guy, actually,” I said. “Just let me know if you want his number.”
“You have a guy?” His voice had taken on a very different tone when he asked that question. Flirty to curious in less than ten seconds.
“Oh, relax. Walt doesn’t give happy endings. Not like my neighbor Julia’s guy.”
“Julia has a guy, too? She told you he gives her happy endings?”
“No, she didn’t tell me. And then I went to him when Walt was on vacation. That was the problem.”
“Are you saying her guy got you off?” By that point Daniel just sounded pissed.
“No! I flew off the table as soon as he touched me.”
“He touched you?”
“Just barely.”
“Where?”
“Well, it wasn’t my back.”
“I will shut them down tomorrow, Claire.”
“Don’t, please. It was an epic miscommunication. He stopped immediately and apologized profusely. Besides, you and I both know this probably goes on all the time.”
“It’s illegal.”
“I know that. But there are women who seek it out and there will always be someone willing to give it to them. Julia’s guy is putting himself through college by giving the big O to any woman who wants one.”
“Did you entertain the possibility of letting him give you one, even for a second?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Why?”
I answered Daniel honestly. “Because he was just some guy I didn’t know.”
Daniel and I never got back on track after that and we hung up a short time later. I’m guessing he was as unsatisfied by the conversation as I was. Maybe tonight will be different.
He calls a little after eleven. I put my phone on vibrate so Chris wouldn’t hear it ring if he happened to come upstairs.
“Can you still talk?” He speaks softly and I wonder if he’s in bed or lying on the couch.
“I can talk,” I say.
“Is he home?”
“Yeah. But it’s okay.” Once I declined his offer to watch a movie Chris probably opened his laptop and started working. Who knows when he’ll make it upstairs?
“How was your day?” Daniel asks.
“Busy.”
“Did you get everything done?”
“Yep. I finished the last pie an hour ago.”
“Did you stay inside?”
“Yes. The kids wanted to go to the mall to see Santa, but it was so cold and dreary that I just couldn’t do it. I paid for it, though. They had a raging case of cabin fever.”
“But you’re warm now,” he says.
“Yes. Definitely,” I murmur, certain he can hear the change in my voice, the timbre of my words as they roll slowly off my tongue. “What about you?” I ask.
He chuckles softly. “I’m nowhere near as hot as you.”
“I beg to differ,” I say, wondering if we’re going to speak in double entendres the whole conversation and not minding a bit if we do.
“What are you wearing that’s keeping you so warm? Or not wearing,” he asks, laughing. “I really have no idea.”
“Flannel pajama pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt. Nothing that you or any man would find remotely interesting, I’m afraid.” I often wore lingerie for Chris, but the opportunity hadn’t presented itself in a very long time. “The last time I checked, the Victoria’s Secret models weren’t covered in cotton from head to toe. Sorry to disappoint you.”
“That’s okay,” he says. “In my head you’re wearing something entirely different.”
My heart rate speeds up a bit. “Sounds like you have a preference in women’s lingerie.” Chris has always been partial to black silk chemises.
“Not really. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong, but there’s something I like even better. Call me a minimalist.”
/> Now all I can think about is being naked. And I’m pretty sure that’s all Daniel’s thinking about, too.
Suddenly, I wouldn’t mind being naked.
But I’m not at all comfortable with taking this much further, because I don’t think Daniel and I could ignore it the next time we’re together. And I like this tension we’re building; I don’t want to release it yet. “See? You do have a preference,” I say, hoping the light, teasing tone of my voice is enough to bring us back from the edge a bit.
He just laughs and says, “I do, indeed. I also like women with blonde hair and brown eyes, who eat turkey and Swiss sandwiches and wear way too many layers of clothing because they’re cold all the time.”
“You can’t see me, but I’m smiling.”
“I wish I could see you,” he says. “Will he? Later?”
I hear the longing in his voice, and I want to tell him he has nothing to worry about. But some things are just off-limits, and the intimacy issues that Chris and I have are between us and no one else. “No,” I say. “I’m tired. I’ll be asleep long before he comes up.”
“I don’t understand that.”
“I know.”
“I should let you go,” he says.
I suppose that’s one way to ensure that I really am asleep before Chris comes upstairs.
“Sweet dreams.”
“You, too. Bye, Daniel.”
I don’t fall asleep right away, though. Mostly because I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to make love with Daniel.
39
claire
To: Claire Canton
From: Chris Canton
Subject: December
It looks like I’ll be on the road the rest of the month. We’re rolling out the new product line and the sales directors are responsible for making sure the implementation team doesn’t screw it up. We’ll be meeting with clients first thing Monday morning and won’t be done until late on Friday night. I’d only be able to fly home for one day and the company doesn’t think that’s “economical” so they’ve asked us to stay in the field. If we finish by the twenty-third I can take a week off between Christmas and New Year’s.
I’m sorry, Claire.
By now, seven months into his new job, I’m so used to Chris being gone that this news has almost no emotional impact on me. He could be telling me he’ll be gone for the next three months and I doubt it would make much of a difference. We’ve become like the proverbial two ships that pass in the night. No time for connecting, fixing, rebuilding. Just as I’d feared. I wonder how many marriages are fractured and damaged beyond repair by complacency rather than any single traumatic event. One day you wake up and realize that the distance between you and your spouse has grown to such an enormous width that neither of you are capable of clearing the distance. No matter how much speed you build up, or how far you can jump, it’s just there. Gaping and unforgiving.
Surprisingly, the kids understand, in the same way that I do. I break the news to them at dinner on Thursday night. “Dad won’t be coming home for a while, guys. He’s really busy at work, but he’ll be back before Christmas and then he’s going to take a week off.”
Josh shrugs. “Okay.” He’s trying to act like he doesn’t care, but his feigned indifference tells me that it bothers him more than he’s letting on.
“Okay,” Jordan says. But her voice is barely more than a whisper and she squeezes her stuffed gray kitty, the one Chris gave her that never leaves her side, a bit more tightly.
My heart breaks. Though I’m grateful for their adaptability, I wouldn’t mind seeing a little more emotion, a sign that they miss Chris. I know deep down they do, but I also know that it’s amazing what you can get used to if it goes on long enough. Chris being gone has become their normal.
Later that night I talk to my mom on the phone. “Chris will be on the road most of this month,” I say.
“Oh, Claire,” she says. “I don’t like that at all.” She doesn’t think it’s safe for me to be alone so much, because of my diabetes. Her concern and my need for independence have always mixed about as well as oil and water. And I understand, I really do. Especially after what happened at Daniel’s. I’d like to think I could have handled that one on my own eventually, but I’m not so sure. “The holidays are stressful enough,” she says. “How did the kids take the news?”
“They were surprisingly okay with it. Too okay,” I say.
“Oh. I see. Well. Your dad and I would love to keep them overnight on one of those weekends. You can get some Christmas shopping done. Have a manicure. Go out to lunch with one of your friends. It’ll give you a break, Claire,” she says.
“That would be great, Mom. Thanks.”
To: Chris Canton
From: Claire Canton
Subject: Re: December
That’s okay. I’ll handle the Christmas shopping and whatever else needs to be taken care of. The kids understand.
I realize after I sign off and shut down my computer that the brevity of my response, and telling Chris that the kids understand, might have been insensitive, as if none of us really care. Though I chafe at how little time he has for me when he’s here, he’s out there every day, working hard, whether he wants to or not. Away from his home and his family.
And in this particular situation a little more emotion from me might have gone a long way.
40
claire
Daniel has been running indoors since it turned cold, on a treadmill he keeps in one of his spare bedrooms.
“I’d rather run outside,” he says. “But I’m not a big fan of falling on the ice and breaking my leg.” He usually runs early, but he had to work late last night and had just rolled out of bed when I arrived at twelve.
“Slacker,” I said, when he opened the door and I noticed his sleep-tousled hair, wrinkled T-shirt, and pajama pants.
He yawned and rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, and I’m still tired.”
He’s had time to eat breakfast and read the paper and now he’s on the treadmill. I brought my laptop today and the whir of the machine, and the cadence of his footsteps, mixes with the sound of my computer keys clicking. When he finishes his workout he walks into the living room, chest bare, wearing only athletic shorts. He’s drying his face off with a towel and swigging from a water bottle.
I watch the rise and fall of his chest, lightly sheened with sweat as he stands a few feet away from the couch, still breathing hard. His shorts are hanging low on his hips and I can see the top of the V muscle that extends from his lower abdomen down to his hip flexors as well as the trail of hair that starts near his navel and runs downward. A scar, two inches to the left of his belly button, puckered and silvery, catches my eye. I can’t tell how long it is because it disappears down the front of his shorts.
I get up and walk toward him. Looking down, I lean forward to get a better look and say, “What happened?”
“Knife,” he says. “I learned the hard way not to take away a man’s cocaine before making sure he’s completely disarmed.” He takes another drink. “Rookie mistake. Never made it again.”
“Oh,” I say, and without thinking, without even stopping to consider my actions, I place my hand flat against his skin and trace the scar with my finger, imagining the knife piercing him. The wound ragged and bleeding. He stands perfectly still, unflinching, as I touch him. “That must have hurt.” My hands are cold and the warmth of his skin sends a wave of heat across my palm. It travels to other parts of my body and even though I know I should move my hand, should stop touching Daniel immediately, I don’t seem to be able to.
Daniel looks at me, his eyes heavy, half lidded. “It was a long time ago,” he murmurs. Grabbing my wrist, he moves my hand away and takes two steps back. “I’m going to take a shower,” he says.
Embarrassed about what I’ve done, I say, “Okay.” I sit back down on t
he couch and try to concentrate on my work while Daniel takes an incredibly long shower.
Later, when it’s almost time for me to leave, I ask Daniel what his plans are for Christmas. “I’ll go to my parents’ house on Christmas Eve. I have to work on Christmas Day.”
“I wish you didn’t have to work on Christmas Day,” I say.
“It’s okay. I’d rather that someone who has a family gets the day off.” He says it matter-of-factly, but I can’t help but wonder if it bothers him. I’m sure the holidays meant something else to him when he was married.
“Will your brother be in town?” Daniel has a younger brother named Dylan. He told me once that they’re not close.
“Who knows with Dylan?” Daniel says, sitting down beside me on the couch. “That’s just one of the many reasons we don’t get along.”
“What are some of the others?” I ask. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and always fervently wished I had a brother or sister, but I don’t understand discontent between siblings. Chris is always squabbling with one of his sisters. It perplexes me.
“He’s really smart. Brilliant, even. Charming when he wants to be. He scored off the charts on some IQ test back in elementary school. He had a ton of behavioral problems, but it turned out that he was just bored. They gave my parents the option of letting him skip a grade, but they decided not to because they didn’t think he was mature enough. Even now as an adult, he’s very socially inept.”
“What does he do for a living?” I expect Daniel to tell me that Dylan is a brain surgeon or an actual rocket scientist.
“He does nothing. He has three advanced degrees but no desire to actually find and hold down a job. He’s so worried about making sure his boss and coworkers know how smart he is that he’s a horrible employee. He has a tendency to quit before they can fire him, and believe me, eventually they all would have. The only reason he’s gotten away with his lifestyle for so long is because he refuses to put down roots anywhere. He lives frugally, crashing on friends’ couches, and rolls in and out of town whenever he feels like it. Most of the time we don’t even know where he is. It upsets my mom. She already worries about me, because of my job, and it’s not fair that she has to worry about him, too.”
Covet Page 17
