Luci's Lullaby

by Leaona Luxx

  We struggle through the night but finally get a little sleep. The morning goes no better, I’m quickly losing it. I’m walking the floors when there’s a knock at the door.

  “I wonder who this could be?” I carry her with me to the door as she continues to snub. “It’s okay. Shhhh.”

  I open the door to a couple friendly faces. “There is a God, and he loves me.” Reese and Ava hug me before snatching Luci from my arms.

  “Go shower. We’ll get some things set up for y’all.” Reese directs me as Ava cradles Luci in her arms.

  My entire body slumps. “Seriously? May God bless you.”

  Ava giggles. “We get it, we have babies.”

  “I don’t know how mothers do this twenty-four seven, I'm worn out.”

  Reese shrugs. “You’ll find your rhythm.”

  “I just need Luci to find the Sand Man.” They giggle as I walk toward my bedroom.

  Twenty minutes later, I’m a human once again. I go in search of the three women who have taken over what was once a sexual paradise. Now, I’m happy it doesn’t smell anymore.

  I’m stunned into silence as I take in the house. “How in the hell did y’all clean this so fast?”

  “You wouldn’t believe what all you can get done in the twenty minutes your kid is asleep.” Reese stands with her hand on her hip.

  Ava nods as she sways with Luci in her arms. “Wars have been won and kids have been made in less time.”

  “There will be no baby making up in this joint, scouts honor.” I hold up my hand.

  “That’s not it.” Ava snorts.

  Reese hands me a paper with some written notes on it. “Here, call these numbers in the morning. She needs a pediatrician, one is Storm’s and the other the twins. I think she needs a different milk.”

  “I agree.” Ava switches Luci’s position. “She spits so much of it up, and she’s cranky. She also needs water, don’t forget that or she’ll get constipated and nobody…” she glares at me, “…wants that.”

  “Milk. Water. Change.” I pretend to do a checklist. “Got it.”

  Reese kisses my cheek as Ava hands Luci over. “Sorry for the quick trip, but the twins have shots tomorrow and Storm is teething.”

  “But we’ll try to come back as soon as possible.” Ava hugs me and kisses Luci.

  “Thanks.” I wave as they walk out the door. “The life of a single mom.”

  After another night of walking the floors, I call the pediatrician offices. The first one can’t take her but the second one does. It’s Ava’s doctor for her kids. I’m thankful for the appointment, but it isn’t until the end of the day.

  We continue the same schedule throughout the day. Walking, changing, and trying to sleep. I make us presentable and make it on time. Well, almost. Two hours later, I’m on my way to the store for new milk.

  Luci’s screaming her head off, and I’m pulling my hair out. I drag ass through the doors and try not to run to the baby section. I turn the corner to find two aisles full of everything baby.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me?” I start searching for the milk and remember she needs diapers. I also forgot the water, I need to get that and milk. “I didn’t get a cart.”

  I swing Luci in her carrier as I read the labels and check the list. “No way there are this many things to choose from. There are three kinds of this one.”

  “Do you need some help?” At the end of my rope and ready to beg this person to kill me. I look up and come face to face with Charlee.

  “Reese was gonna come help me, but the twins got their vaccinations today and those Pennington’s are a handful.”

  “So I’ve heard they are.” She smirks. “Lucky ladies.”

  “Excuse me?” I pull my brows low.

  She forces a grin. “How about I help you out here.”

  “Please, I have no clue what I’m doing.”

  “Clearly.” She forces a smile. “I haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks.”

  “Yeah, sorry I haven’t been around lately.” Luci takes a deep breath and starts again. “I’ve had a lot going on.”

  “I see that, that’s great.” She refuses to make eye contact now. “Let me help you with this list, I’ll go get a cart.”

  “Thanks.” I don’t have the chance to get it out before she turns the corner. I rub my forehead, hoping to hold this migraine at bay.

  “Here ya go, let’s see what you have there.” She pushes the buggy at me and starts loading it.

  “How have you been?”

  She still doesn’t look at me. “Good, excellent.”

  “That’s great.” I bite the inside of my lip.

  Charlee hurries through the list as she side-eyes Luci. “She’s really upset.”

  “I’ve tried everything.” I turn Luci around and rock her from the other direction. “I think I’ve worn a hole in my carpet.”

  “Maybe her mom could help.” She purposely sticks her nose in the paper.

  “She’s not around, it’s only us.” I choke as a sharp pain takes my breath.

  Charlee cuts her eyes at me. “You alright over there?”

  “Yeah, I’m doin’ great.”

  She pushes the cart at me. “This should be everything on the list. I took the liberty of adding a few things, stuff that worked for us when my brother was little.”

  “Sounds great, thank you.”

  She smashes her mouth together, backing away from us. “Alrighty.”

  “Charlee?” She pauses. “Maybe we can get together sometime.”

  She lifts her shoulders and lets them fall. “I think you have enough going on. Maybe find her mom and work all of that out.”

  I start to tell her but as soon as she whirls around, she’s gone. “She’s right, I have no time for complicated and she is the epitome of the word.” I glance at Luci, and she snubs. “Exactly.”

  “Day fourteen of the hostage crisis, and I think I’m losing my mind. No negotiations. My kidnapper has continued to bombard me with soiled diapers and spit up. She’s tough, there’s no end in sight.”

  I rub my face, trying to shake off my lack of sleep. “Coffee. Lots of coffee will help.”

  Plodding through the house, I try to pick up the mess as I go. It’s beginning to overwhelm me. Everything’s dirty but damn, she’s a full-time gig. I’m in awe of Reese with two little ones.

  I peek in Luci’s room, she’s still out. I sigh, “Thank you, God, for the new milk.”

  I need to get the hang of cleaning while she’s asleep. When she sleeps, all I want to do is collapse. At some point, I have to reenter the real world. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, I feel like giving up.

  Before I can make it to the kitchen, there’s a knock at the door. I trudge over hoping to get there before it wakes Luci. I reach to open it and hear her begin to cry. I just about take the door from its hinges.

  “What?”

  A woman with a dark dress and dark hair stands in front of me. A notebook in hand and a card stretched before her in the other. “I’m Tina Moffit with the Division of Child Service. We’ve received several complaints about your child crying all night and day.”

  “I’m sorry about that, we’re having some feeding issues. Her pediatrician changed her milk, and we’re hoping it helps.”

  “She’s crying now.” She leers at me.

  “You knocked on the door and woke her up.” Bile rises in my throat, this isn’t good.

  “Mister Beck…”

  I step back, closing the door a little more. “How do you know my name?”

  “As I was saying, it was reported that the child is crying, there are women in and out of here at all hours, and that the home is dirty.” She narrows her eyes, and my hand begins to tremble.

  “I’m not sure who called you, but before you come to my home and accuse me of anything, you need to check your facts. I have close friends, prominent people in this community, that are helping me right now. I’m doing my damn well best.”

&n
bsp; “It’s obvious that’s not good enough. Future reference—if you’re going to make a child, be sure you can take care of that child.” She starts to turn and pauses. “I can—and will—take that child if I need to, and don’t you dare think I won’t be back.”

  I slam the door before she leaves, locking it. “Fuck you, lady.” I trot into Luci’s room, picking her up and cradling her. “Shhh, I gotcha, baby girl.”

  Or, at least, I think I do.

  I lean in to kiss her and smell something terrible. “Luci, you or I stink. Sad thing is, I’m not sure which one it is.”

  Reese brought a bathtub, and I think its time we try it. I take her with me to the bathroom, looking around. There’s no room for it on the counter. I lean down, grabbing the tub. “Let’s do this in the kitchen.”

  I drag the tub with us into the kitchen and find the counter is as bad in here. “Ughhh, let’s see if we can do this without dunking you.”

  I spin in circles trying to figure something out when my eyes land on something. “I’ve got it.” I hurry back to the bathroom and grab her soap and shampoo. She has hair like her mom.

  “Here we go, baby,” I murmur to her as we head back to the kitchen.

  I remove the dishes from the sink and start the water. Unwrapping her, I lay the blanket on the counter and her on top. I finally undress her clothes and take her diaper off. “Dude? Can you for once not have green slim in this thing?”

  I rip a paper towel off and wet it. I wipe her bottom and toss them. Holding her up, I look her in the eye. “No peeing or pooping until we’re clean. Sound good?”

  She squirms and proceeds to pee down her legs. “Good talk.”

  I take the sprayer from the sink and start hosing her down. “How do I get up in there?” Her legs are curled up. “The nurses said I have to clean… down here.”

  I aim the nozzle but it isn’t going anywhere. I lay her on her dirty blanket and hold a leg. Turning my head, I spray her down. “All good?” I peek back and see her little lip quiver.

  “Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry I’m so bad at this.” Picking her up, I squirt soap on her and shampoo her hair. Then I hose her down again.

  By the time I’m done, she’s screaming and I’m crying. “Why do you hate me? I’m doing my best.”

  I get her diaper on and dress her. I try to wrap her in a blanket, but it’s just a tangled mess. “Well, at least you have clean clothes on.”

  I lean in to kiss her and smell something sour. “What in the hell is that?” She snubs. “I know, trust me.”

  I lay her back down and lift her chubby jaws. A ring of pasty goo is pasted against her neck. “Oh, hell no.” Picking her up, I run and get a washcloth and clean her up.

  “At least I now know where all that milk goes now.” She begins to cry again, so we go get a bottle and not the kind I need right now.

  She eats a little and burps some, then we start over again. But this time, I put her on my shoulder. It’s not her mouth that makes the noise. The smell creeps around and up my nose. I hold her out.

  “Dude, what the fuck is that?” Luci’s face contorts, and she screams bloody murder. “Shit!” Literally.

  I place her on the couch and grab her diapers and wipes. I unwrap her and find green slime all the way up her back. “Houston we have a problem.”

  By the time I get her clothes off, it’s everywhere. In her hair, on my shirt, and covers the couch. “Is this what they meant by a shit show?”

  I take her and hose her off again and start all over. At this rate, we could be doing this all day. “Auntie Reese said you need lotion after a bath, and I forgot it before; do you think we should try it now?”

  She coos, and I take it as a yes. “What would Mademoiselle prefer? The pink that smells as fresh as a baby’s bum or the purple, giving you a lavender scent for your special parts?”

  She squirms, making her sucking sounds. “Right, little miss prefers the hard stuff.” I put the purple on because it says it helps with sleeping. “I wonder if it works for adults?”

  Now, pay attention here. I make a very big mistake, one that we all can learn from. The sticky tape things, don’t work if you get lotion on them. “No! You are not doing this to me!”

  The more I try, the bigger the pile gets on the floor. “Everyone just calm down, we’ve got this.” I take off through the house looking for something to hold this thing together.

  I toss my desk, finding paper clips. “No. Think!” I tap my temples when my eyes land on my sheet music. “For the love of Ninja Turtles, please work.” I snatch a handful and take off.

  Holding her diaper together, I attach a binder clip and then do the other side. I pick her up and it doesn’t fall off. “I think we need to tuck your nightgown in the front, the metal might be cold.”

  I stare at her before rolling my eyes. “I can’t leave this on you.”

  After a little more thought, I do the only thing I know to do. Once I’m done, I look her over. “Don’t get use to this, it’s only until that lotion wears off. I refuse to bathe you again.” I tighten the sleeves of my Carolina Hoodie around her. “Besides, it’s the Tarheels, you can take a dump on them anytime you want.”

  We make it through the day, but we’re both barely hanging on. This time of the night, my mind wanders. I miss Cid. He would know what to do if he was here. I hold Luci to my chest until we both cry ourselves to sleep.

  “It’s so warm,” I mumble, still not awake. “I need to move, it’s hot and sticky in here.” I take a deep breath, rubbing Luci’s back as I do. I feel sweat run down and around my neck.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me?” I sit up, holding her to me. My hand is warm and sticky. “The dreaded green slime has us, Luci.”

  I tiptoe to the bathroom, turning on the shower. Stepping in, I start to strip us. “Geez, do you ever start smelling better?” I drop our things in the corner of the tub.

  “How in the hell did it run up?” I have the slime up around my neck. Luci is covered. My sweatshirt? If it wasn’t trash before, it is now.

  Luci wakes as I step under the warm water. I hold her close to me and wash us off. She actually doesn’t cry this time. I clean us up and get her all ready for bed again.

  After another bottle of course.

  “Hey, baby girl. Don’t fret that old shirt, we’re WVU fans in this house.” I rub her hair as she nods. “As a matter of fact, you’ll be needing a cheerleading outfit.”

  I pause, thinking about what I just said. “You know what, my girl can be anything she wants. Maybe we should get you a jersey and a football. You might just be the first female quarterback in the NFL.”

  I kiss her head as the heaviness in my chest grows. “Your daddy was a quarterback. He was really great, but he didn’t get to play. He chose to take care of me instead.

  “Luci-Lu, I want you to know, I’m gonna fuc—mess up. A lot. But I promise you, I’ll only do what I think is right for you. I can’t give you much, but I can make sure that whatever I do, I do it for you.”

  She sighs, closing her eyes and giving in to sleep. I’m not sure if I’m doing something right or if she just gives up, but for tonight, we won this round. About damn time we win one.

  I shuffle my feet as I take her to bed. I make a little fuss, so I take her to bed with me. I really don’t sleep because I’m afraid of forgetting about her but my body rests. “I’m not sure how new moms do this,” I whisper in the dark.

  I sleep on and off all night, so does Luci. We’re up and down, walking the floors and eating. As dawn breaks, sleep finds us again.

  “Alden. Alden.” I feel the nudge on my shoulder and I know the voice, but I just don’t want to move.

  “Hmm?”

  She tugs my shirt. “I need to talk to you and go over some things.”

  “I’m coming.” I raise up, reaching for Luci.

  “It works better if you open your eyes when looking for something.” Reese giggles. “I’ve got her.”

  “I’m trying.”
I drag ass out of bed and stumble to the bathroom.

  I find Reese and Luci in the living room when I walk out. She’s feeding her like a pro. I know I’m a poor substitute.

  “So Sam called,” she says while burping Luci.

  I scrub my hand over my face. “Is it too early for a drink?”

  “It is.” She pauses to kiss Luci. “By the way, don’t let just anyone kiss or touch her. Germs are bad.”

  “Tell me about,” I stretch. “I still haven’t gotten over getting the cooties from Tonya in grade school.” I wink at her.

  “Idiot.” She purses her lips. “Sam wants to know when you’ll be ready to go back to work?”

  “Are you for real?” I sit up.

  She nods. “I’m afraid I am.”

  “I don’t know. I still need to figure a lot of things out.”

  “Exactly what I told her, but she’s not hearing it. She wants you under a recording contract by November and if you’re not performing…” Reese twists her mouth.

  “I get it.” I crack my knuckles. “How long do I have?”

  “I bought you a few more weeks, but I full well expect a meeting before then.” She hands Luci over. “By the way, you do know that you use one wipe at a time?”

  “Listen, since they changed her milk, we’re having daily atomic warfare, and I’m doing all I can not to call this a disaster zone.”

  She looks around. “Too late.”

  “And why did you not tell me, if I get lotion on those tag thingies on the diaper, they won’t stick!”

  She puts her hands on her hips. “Can you tell me any other tape you can get lotion on and it stick?” I stare blankly at her. “There it is.”

  “In my defense, I’m exhausted.” Tears spring to my eyes. “I miss my brother, I miss Shelley, I miss working and hanging out and most of all, I miss my fucking life.”

  Reese wraps her arms around me as my chest cracks open, and I allow myself a minute to grieve. “Oh, Mars Bar. Don’t you dare think we all don’t see you. We do, honey. I don’t know how you’ve done what you have. You’re a better man than you give yourself credit for.”

  “No, I’m not. There’s not a day that passes that I don't feel resentment.”