Luci's Lullaby

by Leaona Luxx

  “I’m trying to be patient, Luci.” I rock her as we both cry. “Some things take time.”

  At some point, she falls asleep. I hold her to my chest, needing to feel something in life. I wander around my house, the disaster is it, drinking and swaying with Luci in my arms.

  “Let’s go to bed, baby girl,” I mutter as I struggle into the bedroom. I know I shouldn’t be drinking with her and definitely not walking, but who’s here to judge?

  I lay down, rolling her to the side. I tuck her in like we used to and fade off. Something disrupts my sleep, a noise. A feeling. I rouse, reaching for my girl.

  I hear Luci but can’t find her as I search the bed blindly. I open my eyes when I can’t feel her. She isn’t here. I sit up, scanning the room. Hurrying from the bed, I rush to the other side.

  Luci’s on the floor.

  “What in the hell?” I panic, not sure if I should pick her up or call an ambulance.

  So, I do both. I text Reese, Chord, and Aksel as I wait for the paramedics to arrive. By the time we get to the emergency room, everyone is there waiting on us.

  “Alden, what happened?” Reese has me wrapped in her arms, comforting me. Little does she know, she shouldn’t.

  I cover my head with my hands, pleading for God to take me now. “I did this.” I back away from her, beating on my chest. “I did it.”

  “What? No! No you did not, Alden,” Reese yells at me.

  Chord stands beside me. “Can you tell us anything else?”

  “I had her in bed with me, and she rolled off.” I fist my hair. “I was drinking. We were alone, and I knew better.”

  “I agree. You shouldn’t have been drinking, but accidents happen. This was an accident, Alden.” Chord stares at me as if I should understand.

  “No, it’s my fault.” I take a step back, and the doors open. I turn to see her walk in.

  Her eyes avert from mine as she brushes past me. “Reese? What happened? Is she okay? Can we go see her?” Charlee won’t even look at me.

  “It was me, I did it to her.” The fissure in my chest cracks open, and I spew all of my ugliness on everyone, especially Charlee. “It was me, isn’t that what you all want to hear? That I fucked up. I chose myself over her! The greedy, horn dog that I am. I did it.”

  Charlee walks up to me and for a split second, I see the woman who loves me and then, she’s gone. “I have no idea who you are anymore, but for the love of God and Luci, get your shit together.”

  “You left her too.” I jab at her.

  “No, I left you.” Her face contorts. “Don’t you dare lay this on anyone else, you did this. To Luci. To yourself. To us. You did this.”

  “How do I fix it?” I plead with her.

  “Fix your damn self first!” She shakes her head. “Call me about Luci. I can’t be here.” She storms past me, and I begin to break all over again.

  Hours pass helping to calm me down. Luci isn’t hurt, not even a scratch. I’m waiting with Reese to take her home when Sam struts through the doors. Reese seethes.

  “I’ll go check on her discharge.” She walks away before Sam gets to me.

  “I rushed right over when I heard. How is the little one?” Sam fakes a smile at me.

  “She’s fine.”

  “Alden, I know this is hard on you. I haven’t meant to add to your distress.” Sam frowns. What the fuck is this?

  “That’s good to know.”

  “I’m hoping we can all learn something from this.” I cut my eyes at her.

  “Like what?”

  “Do you really believe, you’re what’s best for her? She’d be so much better off here, with a real family. You need to get your career established and making money so you can hire the right help. Right now, you’re of no use to anyone.” My chest caves; the truth does hurt more than a lie, that’s for damn sure. “I think it’s time, and you know it. Call me!” She’s strolls back out the door.

  “What did she say to you?” Reese cocks her brow.

  “Nothing but the truth.” I hang my head in shame. “Nothing I don’t already know.”

  “Hey, Charlee. When do you get off?” Lynn, a lady I work with asks.

  “Four, and it won’t be soon enough.”

  She smiles. “You look tired, that’s why I was asking.”

  “I am tired.” I was up all night worried about Luci. Reese finally texted me around three this morning to say she was okay and on her way home.

  “How is your baby doing?” she asks. Lynn hasn’t been here long, and she has no idea Luci isn’t mine.

  I shrug. “Good, she took a spill last night, rolled off the bed.”

  “Oh, sweetie. Now don’t you go blaming yourself. We’ve all had something happen as mothers. Once they start rolling, crawling, or walking, it’s ‘Katy bar the door’.” She pats my hand. “We’re all bumped and bruised in some way.”

  Her words bring me up short. Alden may be more bumped and bruised than all of us. “You’re right. Thank you, Lynn.”

  “You’re welcome, honey.” She winks. “Parents need to stop beating each other up. We’ve all made mistakes.”

  She throws a left, then a right. “True. Then we add in a relationship, and it all goes crazy.”

  “Love is love. If it’s there, you gotta work for it. Besides, do any of us want it if it’s easy? That will make you question if it’s real.” She turns after landing her knock-out blow.

  “Hey, Lynn.” She turns. “Care if I clock out early. I need to go see someone.”

  “Not at all.” I embrace her. “Make sure he knows how much you love him.”

  “Thank you.” I cash out and race from the store.

  Alden’s place is just around the corner from here, so I try not to speed over there like a fool. I turn into the complex and take a right. As I get to his place, I slow down, making sure I’m right.

  “Where in the hell are y’all.” I whip around, heading straight to Reese’s.

  I turn onto the drive and pass Riley and Ava’s; no one is there. As I creep up on Reese’s, I see several cars and trucks. Fear cripples me at the thought of something may have happened to Luci after all.

  I park my car and hurry up the steps. I knock on the door as my heart pounds harder. Walker walks to me, calling over his shoulder, “Charlee’s here.” He opens the door, his forehead creased.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Reese rounds the corner, her eyes red and wet. “He’s gone, Charlee.”

  My ears ring as all the air from my lungs dissipates. “Come again? Who’s gone and why?” I know the answers. I need someone else to confirm them.

  “Alden. He got up this morning, said he wasn’t good for Luci, and left.” She’s wracked with grief; it’s as though someone died. Little did I know, it was going to me.

  My knees buckle, and I fall to the floor before Walker can get to me. I sit there, in a daze, trying to hold on but can’t. I’m caught in this subparallel third world of hell called life.

  I sit on the outside and watch it all play out in slow motion. Shock keeping the tears at bay, disbelief clouding my vision. Guilt, for any part I may have played. Worry, for where this trodden on soul may end up.

  No matter what anyone thinks of Alden, he’s a good man. He’s just lost his way and sometimes, it takes others longer to find their way back. Back to where they belong, to where they’re loved.

  “Charlee?” Walker is on his knees in front of me, calling my name as I spiral into nothingness. “Sweetie, can you hear me?”

  I nod, words escaping me as my mind searches for how it all went wrong. It’s not until Reese dries my face do I realize I’m crying. There’s it is, just when I thought I had nothing left to lose.

  I’ve lost him.

  I gasp for air as I forget how to breathe. I suppose when your heart stops beating, your body ceases all natural reflexes. I really don’t want to fall apart, but I’m so lost in the love I have for him, I can’t stop it.

  Until Luci.

&nbs
p; I hear a cry in the distance, calling me back to the here and now. Her little whimper needing someone, needing me. I reach out to find Walker’s hand. Standing, I stagger in to find Luci.

  Her little face lights up and her eyes sparkle when she sees me. I feel the same way. I rush to her, taking her from Emerson.

  “Shhhh, baby girl. I’m here.” I press her into my chest, allowing her heart to beat for mine.

  I’m not sure how long I hold her, but when I finally pull myself together, she’s asleep. She snubs, breaking my heart. Her pouty lips, as red and puffy as her eyes.

  “Thank you, Charlee.” Emerson stands beside me, arms wrapped around her. “We’ve tried for hours to get her to quit.”

  “You should’ve called.”

  “We didn’t think you wanted to be around her anymore, Walker says.

  Lost in the moment, I crash into the here and now. “I walked away from Alden, not Luci. I may not have done it right, but I love her. We don’t throw away people we love.”

  Reese drops into the seat behind her in tears. “I tried to tell him. I begged him to stay and talk to you.”

  “To who, me?”

  She nods. “Yes, Charlee. He loves you. He may not say it or show it, but I know him and he loves you.”

  “I can’t save him, Reese.” I drag in a deep breath. “You can’t save him. Even Luci can’t do it. He has to want it. He has to want us more than anything else. That’s the only thing that will save him, if he saves himself.”

  Emerson puts her arm around me as I cradle Luci, giving her everything I have because now, we’re more kindred than ever before. She snubs, and I rub her back.

  “It’s okay, my daddy left me too. We’ll get through it.” I kiss her head, letting her know how much I love her.

  “I’ve never seen him so lost.” Reese rubs her hands together.

  The memory of the day his parents died comes to mind. He was so strong when people were watching. It’s when they weren’t that he fell apart. “I’ve seen it before. He never recovered, he just played the part.”

  “His parents death.” A line forms between Reese’s brows.

  “And in the days after Cidney and Shelley’s death. He held on so strong, it was obvious he was walking blind.”

  She shakes her head. “I didn’t think it was this bad.”

  “He told me and Aksel that his life was proof enough he can’t keep love.” Walker trots his knee.

  “Y’all, this isn’t anyone’s fault.” My voice trembles with every word. “Alden chose this and until he’s had enough, no one can make him fix it.”

  “I can’t believe it.” Reese dries her face. “The Alden I know may have been struggling, but I never saw this coming.”

  “I was foolish enough to think my leaving would wake him up. I called that wrong, didn’t I?”

  “We all thought he would come after you,” Emerson says.

  The last piece of my heart breaks, and I fight to breathe. “After all I’ve been through, I was still looking in the wrong place for love.”

  “No, Charlee.” Walker looks at me. “He was.”

  “Good mornin’, baby girl.” I crawl from my bed and stretch as Luci babbles in her crib.

  “Charlee Rae,” Mom calls from the kitchen, “her food is ready.”

  I lean over the side and pick her up, smothering her with kisses. “Mae has you some yummy breakfast. Let’s go see what she made.”

  I carry Luci through the house and sit down at the table with her. She yawns, and it’s hard not to giggle at all of her little faces and sounds. Mom sets some oatmeal cereal down for her, and she smacks her lips.

  “I believe someone’s hungry.” Mom tweaks her nose. “I wish my other girl would decide to eat again.”

  “I eat, Mom, just not as much as you think I should.”

  She sits down, reaching me some coffee. “Not like you used to, Charlee.”

  I sigh. “I know, Mom. I’m not the same woman I was once was.”

  “Pssst, you are exactly the same woman. You’ve lived and learned, that’s all.” She blows on the hot cup.

  “Mom,” my brow knits as I think about how to ask this, “how did you get us through when Dad left?”

  “The grace of God, lots of tears, soul searching and love.” She sips her drink.

  Her answer brings me up short. “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “I prayed a lot, didn’t get all the answers, but I still prayed. I cried often, mostly in the shower so you and Theo didn’t know. I found myself; one reason I never married again. And love.” Her forehead creases along the same lines she’s had for years.

  “Love? No, thank you.” I giggle as I feed Luci. “Finding myself? I don’t even know where the hell I went, so I’m not so sure I can find me.”

  “I found that I love the woman I became; that I wanted a man, but I didn’t need one. I still love your father, Charlee. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, but we were young, and I was sick. Not everyone can withstand a storm.” She twists her mouth.

  “Don’t I know it.” I smirk. “I love Alden, Mom. Always have, always will.”

  “Did you think you were fooling everyone? I didn’t remarry. I’m sure it was obvious why.” She chuckles.

  I shake my head. “No, I didn’t think I was. I hate Luci has no one to love her.”

  “She has you.” Mom smiles. “And me. The way I see it, she has a family; she’s just waiting on him to come home.

  “I guess we both are.” I kiss Luci on the head. “Alright, I need to get this girl to Emerson.”

  “How are y’all doing with this schedule?” Mom stands, clearing the table.

  “It works, but I don’t care what I need to do as long as Luci is taken care of, and I think we know she’s best with me. I don’t care if he knows or not and I don’t care if he gets mad about it.”

  “I love you, hang in there.” Mom kisses my cheek. “So, his place after work and then back here tomorrow?”

  “Yep, she seems to be doing so much better. Emerson’s doing great too; she’s good help while we work.”

  “Be careful.” She kisses Luci as she babbles on.

  “Always,” I smile down at my girl, “for her.”

  I get ready for work and pack Luci’s bag. I hate going to Alden’s; it wrecks my soul being there without him. Everyone’s so worried about him, but they have no clue what it’s taking me to keep moving forward.

  I get on the road and over to Emerson in plenty of time. The first week about killed me; I was always late.

  “Knock, knock,” I call out, looking for her. “We’re here. Good morning.” I search the living room and kitchen, but no one’s here.

  “Hey.” Emerson comes up behind us and I jump, startling Luci and she begins to cry. “Oh, no. I’m sorry.”

  “Shhhh, it’s alright. I gotcha, baby girl.” I rock back and forth, calming her down. “Sorry, I knocked.”

  “I was packing Aksel a bag.” She smashes her lips into a thin line.

  “Where’s he going?”

  She scratches her head. “It’s his last trip. His internship will be over, but they need him to go try to help with something now. So what’s in the bag today, Luci?”

  “Em? What’s going on?”

  “It’s Alden.” She nods her head as tears spring to her eyes. “He’s a mess. It’s bad.”

  “How bad?”

  She licks her lips. “Chord’s going with him.”

  I stagger back, sitting without looking where I’m going. I take a deep breath. “Is he okay? I mean, he’s not hurt. What I’m trying to ask, is he physically hurt?”

  “In some ways, yes. But in others, he’s not doing well at all.” She chews her nail. “Reese, Walker, One and Uncle Lan are having a meeting about him today.”

  “Why? What in the hell is going on, Emerson? I need to know.”

  She fidgets and finally comes clean. “He’s given up, they’re trying to save him.”

 
“From who, Sam?” My gut rolls making me nauseous.

  She wipes her face as the tears fall fast and hard. “Himself, Charlee. They’re trying to save his life.”

  “I’m not sure they can.”

  “Why would you say something like that?” Emerson gapes at me.

  I wipe my face. “You have to want to save yourself, and I’m not sure Alden wants to.”

  Here I sit, a room full of people, yet no one sees me. There was only one person who ever saw me, and now she refuses to look at me. I take a drink from the fifth of Jack sitting between my legs, allowing it to wash away the bad taste in my mouth.

  “And you thought I couldn’t forget you, didn’t you?” I grumble.

  I watch as the room acts as a conveyer belt of women. Each of them looking for love, what makes them think they’re going to find it here? They move from man to man; makes no sense to me.

  I turn the bottle up, chugging it. I have to, if I don’t I’ll remember I was no better than a single person in this room. I detest the man I was, moving from woman to woman.

  A new woman every night in my bed, the same bed I brought Charlee to. The one I made love to her in and never told her how I felt about her. How I feel about her.

  “I’m a fuck up, you all know it.” I finish off the bottle and toss it on the table.

  “What’s that, man?” Mark lifts his head.

  “Nothing, let’s play.” I try to stand and fall back to the couch. That’s it, just lay here. Give up. It’s what you deserve.

  Mark holds his hand out for me to take, but I slap it away. “Come on, Alden. It’s time.”

  “I don’t want to.” I push off the couch and find my bearings.

  I stagger over to the liquor, grabbing another bottle of Jack. I twist the top and take a swig. I can still see them, I need more. I tip it up and drown myself as it runs down my shirt and jeans.

  John takes the bottle out of my hand. “Alden, this is bullshit. Go the fuck home and clean your shit up.”

  I grab him by the throat, backing him against the wall. “What fucking home? I lost mine and everyone in it.”

  “Alden, you’ve gotta chill. Come on. Calm down.” Mark tries to pry my hand off of John.