Luci's Lullaby

by Leaona Luxx

I know, I’m sorry.

  No more apologies. ~A

  Thanks for giving me time.

  No worries. ~A

  All in my plan. ~A

  You have a plan?

  Please, don’t keep me in suspense.

  Tell me.

  You gotta let it unfold. ~A

  Now, I’m scared.

  Why? It’s good. ~A

  I’ve seen the way you fold.

  Har! Har! ~A

  Another thing I didn’t thank you for. ~A

  What’s that?

  The way you love us. ~A

  Who said I still do?

  Harsh! ~A

  I’m gonna cry. ~A

  PAHA-lease.

  Wonder if Chord will hold me? ~A

  He might.

  Considering he covered your ass today.

  I wanted to see you. ~A

  I didn’t want you to run away. ~A

  I might’ve.

  If you had seen me in the floorboard. ~A

  How did you ever fit? Lol

  I was a pretzel. ~A

  SMH, that’s what you get.

  You should’ve told me.

  I should’ve told you a lot. ~A

  I’ll never make that mistake again. ~A

  A heaviness lays on my chest making me struggle for air.

  See that you don’t.

  I don’t forgive easily.

  I promise. The first of many. ~A

  I need to get in bed.

  Kill me now. ~A

  I haven’t tried yet.

  Goodnight. ~A

  Night, Alden.

  And that’s all. The texts stop coming and I’m alone again when the one person I want to be with wants to be with me, but I’m too scared to try again. He left. What if the next time we have several kids and he leaves?

  “It’s a chance you can’t take.”

  I pick up my phone and call my brother. Theo knows me better than anyone. On the third ring, I start to hang up, but I hear the click.

  “Hey, what’re you doing?” His deep vibrato still throws me off.

  “I’m not sure.” My voice cracks.

  “I’m listening.” He’s always had this way about him that’s sweet and easy going. I take a deep breath. “Oh, that bad?”

  “He’s back.” My body trembles. “He wants Luci.”

  “Good, that’s what he should be wanting.”

  “I feel so horrible for saying this…” I swallow hard.

  “It’s me, say it.”

  “I had hoped he’d want me too.” I break as the tears I’ve held fall unrestrained.

  “There’s nothing wrong with wanting that too.”

  “He hasn’t even told me he loves me. Why do I love him?” The pain radiating through me takes my breath away.

  “Charlee, love takes prisoners. It’s a bitch. But we all wish for and hope to find the one we won’t mind being a slave to.” Wow.

  “Who are you?” I giggle cry.

  He chuckles. “You’re little-big brother and I always will be.”

  “I love him, Theo. Like breathing, I need him.” Words only my soul has ever heard.

  “Tell him. He can take it or leave it, but at least you’ll know.”

  “I told him,” I fib.

  “You told Alden, everything?” He knows he’s calling me out.

  I sigh. “No, but he should know.”

  “Do you know how much it took you to finally give in and be with him? The courage and strength to rip it all off and just do it?”

  “Yes, like it was yesterday.” My lip quivers with the thought.

  “He has to find that before he can do the same, and let’s face it, he has a helluva lot more baggage than you ever dreamed of.” Damn, shut it.

  “You’re right.” I roll my eyes. “You’re right.”

  “So is he worth it to keep waiting for or are you giving up?” He nails me to the wall.

  “I’ll let you know how it turns out.” I giggle.

  “Love you, Charlee.”

  “Love you, Theo.” I pause. “Hey, don’t fall in love.”

  “Too late.” We end the call.

  I drag myself to bed, hoping love will be nicer to me tomorrow.

  “Why do I feel as though I should be screaming, ‘PIVOT!’?”

  I try to laugh, but I’m gutted. “I had no idea we’d have to move it.”

  “Did you buy the biggest bed there is?” Chord looks over the top at me.

  I quirk my lip. “I’m hoping we’ll need the room.”

  “Ha! You gotta get the girl first.” He laughs on a strain. “I want you to know, Sarah and I want more kids.”

  “Good!”

  “If I lose my balls lifting this shit, she’s coming after you!” He glares at me.

  “I don’t understand? When did you get balls?”

  He flips me off. “Nice one, ol’ pal.”

  There’s a noise at the front door, and our eyes widen. We freeze, hoping it’s Reese or someone else.

  “We’re home, baby girl,” Charlee says in her sing-song way. My heart races hearing her.

  Chord’s mouth moves, but I can’t understand him. I hold my hands up, shaking my head.

  He steps closer to me, whispering. “We have to say something.”

  I’m paralyzed with fear and know she isn’t going to take this well. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I take a shaky step and one after the other, I begin moving toward her voice.

  Chord touches my arm, holding up a finger. He pulls his phone out and dials her. I watch, with wide eyes.

  “Hello?” Her voice echoes through the house.

  “Charlee, this is Chord,” he says softly.

  “Hey, how are you?” she says sweetly.

  “Good, but I need you to know we’re in the master,” he says as I hold my breath.

  “You are? Why?” Her voice sounds louder.

  “Well, we’re moving in a new bed. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you’d be here or I would’ve warned you,” he explains.

  “Wait.” Her voice trembles. “You said we.”

  I shove my hands in my pockets and walk out. She drops her phone and takes a step back. Luci babbles on like nothing’s happening. She’s grown so much, she’s even more beautiful now.

  “Hey.”

  She licks her lips and presses Luci to her chest. “What are you doing here?”

  “I thought you’d be gone by now.” I rub the back of my neck, trying to get my stomach to chill.

  Her eyes dart to the door. “Hey, I’m gonna step outside. If anyone needs me, I’ll be right by the door,” Chord says as he walks past me, and we watch him leave.

  Her eyes dart around the room. I suppose anything is better than facing me. I never imagined feeling this way about either of them, but here I am, ready to give up everything I’ve ever dreamed of for a different one with them.

  “The pictures,” I hesitate, “they’re breathtaking. Thank you.”

  “I suppose you’re here for Luci.” Her voice wavers.

  “Not just Luci.” I swallow past the knot forming in my throat.

  She frowns. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this, Alden.”

  “I’m not trying to rush you. I had to get away from all of that; it’s not me. Not anymore.” My heart ceases beating, and I think I might die right now.

  “If it’s what you think is best.” Her eyes glisten.

  “I’ve been in a bad place. I needed to get back to what matters.”

  She clings to Luci. “Are you gonna take her from me?”

  “No, god no, Charlee.” I clutch my heart as it spirals out of control. “I would never do that to you. You’ve been so amazing with her. I can’t do it to her either.”

  “So can we work out a visitation or something?” A ‘V’ forms between her eyes.

  “Charlee, please listen to me.” I hold my breath. “I want you here, with Luci.”

  She kisses Luci’s temple. “Well, since you’re home now
, I guess she can stay here with you. Will I need to get an attorney for a visitation arrangement?”

  “Charlee, look at me.” I step closer to her, and she backs away.

  “I love her too, Alden.” Tears fill her eyes. “Please, don’t keep her from me.”

  “I would never do such a thing.”

  “Wouldn’t you?” Her body trembles.

  I run my hand through my hair. “I know what you think of me, and I deserve it. But you have to know, deep within you, I would never separate you two.”

  “I don’t understand.” Her brows furrow.

  “I’m not going anywhere and we’re going to work together for Luci’s best interest.”

  She wipes her cheek, and it incinerates my heart. “I suppose I should’ve asked you about staying here.”

  “I have no issue with you staying here for her. You’re welcome here, anytime.” My voice trembles. “I should’ve made you a key a long time ago.”

  “I have Reese’s.” She chews on her lip.

  “Good, I’ll get her a new one.”

  She peeks down the hall. “Why did you get a new bed?”

  “You deserve better than to sleep there. You deserve so much more than I’ve ever given you.”

  She shifts her stance. “I guess you want to hold her.”

  “Please?” Tears spring to my eyes. “I’ve wanted to hold her so badly, but I know you needed time.”

  She eases her way over to me and leans toward me with Luci. “Careful, she’s gotten bigger.”

  “Alright.” This is the moment I know I’m no longer her uncle. “Hey, baby girl. I’m home and I’m never leaving you again.” I tremble as I cling to her.

  “Try to calm down, she’ll know you’re upset.” Charlee rubs my back.

  “I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I came so close to losing you.” My voice quivers with emotion.

  Charlee dries my face. “See, she hasn’t even cried.”

  We begin to sway without thought, and Luci gazes into my eyes as I hold her hand. Charlee’s head is by my shoulder; she’s so close, and yet I can’t touch her. It’s wrecking me.

  “Da-da. Da-da-dada,” Luci murmurs as my heart races.

  “What? Did she?” I glance at Charlee, and her face is beaming.

  She rubs Luci’s nose. “You just said da-da.”

  “Yes, Luci I’m your da-da.” I kiss her forehead and fall in love all over again with this amazing gift. “She really said da-da.”

  Charlee gazes at me, her face glows. “She did, she remembers you.”

  “Thank you, Charlee.” My body quakes as it’s wracked with emotion. “For keeping her safe and taking care of her as a mother should.”

  Her eyes search mine. “Welcome back.”

  I lean in as her eyes widen. I’m mere inches from her lips, and she drops her head. Too soon, asshole. “Sorry, I’m all emotional today.”

  She steps away. “Yeah, I guess I should get going. I brought a few things you were out of; that’s where we’ve been or I would’ve had her to Reese.”

  “Actually, could you stay a little longer? We could use the help?”

  Her eyes flicker to Luci and back. “Yeah, I don’t work today, but only for Luci.”

  “Good, great.” I walk over to the door. “Chord?”

  He pops his head in the door and his face lights up. “Hey, pretty girl.”

  “She said da-da,” I announce with my chest puffed up from my heart being so big.

  He looks at Charlee and back to me. “Wow, that’s great, man. ‘Bout time you get some good news.”

  “Charlee said she could stay while we move things. Ya know, for Luci.” I twist my mouth.

  “Good deal. How are we gonna pry her from your arms?” He laughs.

  Charlee rolls her eyes. “I’m probably better help anyway. He’s an artist, they don’t work like the rest of us.”

  Chord laughs his ass off as I scrunch my face up. “Y’all are so hilarious. I’m laughing… on the inside.”

  “Come on, Luci. Let’s get outta their way.” Charlee reaches for her and brushes my hand, and the same ol’ current races between us.

  An hour or so later, the new bed is in and Chord’s ready to go. “Thanks, man.”

  “Always.” He drags me into a hug.

  “Charlee, good to see you. I appreciate your help.” Chord gives her a side hug. “Bye, Luci.” He kisses her head.

  “Good to see you Chord. Give Sarah my love.” Charlee’s the kindest person I know, always thinks of others.

  “You need to come see Jordan,” Chord says.

  “She’s beautiful, spitting image of her mother.”

  Charlee giggles. “I’ll be sure to call her next week and run over.”

  “Do that, we cookout and get our eat on.” Chord waves as he heads out the door. We stand there, awkward as hell.

  Charlee kisses Luci’s cheek. “I guess I need to get going. You think y’all are gonna be alright?”

  “We’ll be fine. I suppose I could text if there’s a problem.” I’m shaking like a leaf standing here alone with her. I lay Luci on her blanket in the floor.

  “Definitely call. I have my phone with me all the time.” She’s as nervous as I am. She wanders toward the door, taking her time.

  “You don’t have to go yet, w-we need to eat.” I slump when she reaches for the door.

  The corner of her mouth is turned down. “Yeah, I better go.”

  “Charlee, you have every right to have doubts about me and my intentions. But I swear to you, they’ve never been as genuine as they are in this moment. I want—need—you to be in Luci’s life, and I pray one day you’ll allow me back in yours.” My chest rattles as my heart shatters.

  Her head hangs. “I want to believe you but, Alden, you didn’t just leave me—you left Luci too. So many people believe a girl needs her mom; well, guess what? We need our dads too. A father teaches us how men should treat us; mine taught me how I never want to be treated.”

  “I didn’t leave you. You walked away from me.” My face reddens as anger boils to the surface.

  She glares at me. “How in the hell was I supposed to stay and watch those women grope you and stick their tongues down your throat. If you ever thought I could do that, you never knew me.”

  “No, I never expected you to stay and have to endure anything of the sort, but I didn’t have a damn thing to do with it.” I lower my voice to keep Luci from getting scared.

  She crosses her arms. “Poor thing was used and abused by Sam. You should’ve said something, you should’ve stood up for us!”

  “What, like you did? Get pissed with me because I’m doing my damnedest? I never said I would do it right but, by God, I was present!” I crack my knuckles.

  Her face reddens. “Not for long! Yeah, I left but you had already left. You picked music over us!”

  “It was an opportunity of a lifetime!”

  “And we’re not?” Her words are shocking and crushing, laying heavy on my soul.

  “I’m here now!” I fist my hands at my side.

  “For how long? You’ll bolt with the next big opportunity.” She glares at me.

  “I’m not leaving again without you both.” I grit my teeth, hoping she’ll get the point.

  “Go on, Alden. Get. Leave. I’d rather you leave now for your music, than later full of regret because your dream didn’t come true.” Her lips tremble as the words fall from them, crushing me.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Charlee. Not without you two!” My hands shake as I run them through my hair.

  “Please, it’s happened a million times before; why are you any different?” Her nostrils flare.

  I step back, gaping at her. “Charlee, I made a mistake. I should’ve come after you, but I didn’t leave you. I left Luci because I didn’t think I was good enough for her.”

  “You left because music and fame were more important than anything else—admit it.” She glowers at me.

  “Maybe that�
��s why your dad left, but it’s not why I left.” I shake my head as her words cut deep.

  “Well, give it time. It looks as though you’re a real dad now!” she spits at me.

  “You told Reese you didn’t believe that shit.” My stomach turns with every word.

  She fists her hair. “I don’t know what to believe about anything!”

  “Charlee, I wouldn’t even touch you without a condom.” My brows pull tight.

  “But you and I both know, they don’t always work.” She hesitates on her next words, but I see it in her eyes when she decides to say them. “And we both know, you forget sometimes.”

  “One time.” I hold up my finger. “I forgot one time, Charlee. And it was with you.”

  “You’ve used condoms with every woman you’ve fucked? Multiple times a night and you never forgot?” Her body quakes with anger.

  I step closer to her, we’re mere inches apart. “You understand me now, you are the only woman I slept with more than once. In a night. In a week. In a year. In my life! You, Charlee!”

  She blanches. “But everyone says you’ve been with a lot of women.”

  “I’ve screwed around, something I hate about myself. But I didn’t have women every night; no one could handle that. It was crazy rumors I allowed and now see it was wrong.” My voice quakes with every word.

  “Why me? Why am I the only woman you didn’t use a condom with? The only one you had sex with more than once?” She twists her lips between her fingers.

  My throat feels thick, and I’m overcome with emotion. “When I was with you, it was different. It was different because of you. It made it different for me.”

  “What are you trying to say?” She crosses her arms, and her eyes fill with unshed tears.

  I scrub my head with my hand. “I made love to you, with you.”

  She shakes her head. “No. You don’t mean that, you and I both know you don’t.”

  “You might hate me right now, it may never matter to you but, by God— don’t tell me I don’t know love when I feel it. When I see it the way I did with us.” I’m in her face, both of us trembling.

  “You don’t know love.” Her cheeks wet with tears.

  I take her face in my hands, drying under her eyes with my thumb. “I know love, I see it every day in the people I’m around. The love Chord had for Sarah when she couldn’t find her own. Walker for Reese and her for him.

  “Yours for me, no matter what I was or who they said I was. You loved me. I know love, Charlee. I’ve felt it when I never thought I could. I got scared. Of losing you, losing Luci. I’ve lost so much in my life, I just knew I would lose you.” I bare the deepest parts of my soul to her.