by Leaona Luxx
“And once I did, I knew then I’d rather have your love for any amount of time, than never at all. I see you—always have, always will. I love you, Charlee Rae. I’ve always loved you.”
She stands there, tear-stained t-shirt and open soul. I give her everything and she’s just standing here, staring at me. She lays her hands over mine, moving them.
“I wish I could believe you.” She blinks as more tears fall.
“Believe me or in me?” The pain in my chest is more than I can bear.
“Both.” She covers her mouth as she weeps. Charlee jerks the door open and runs from the house.
From me.
I stand at the door as she drives away, never looking back. I’m devasted as to how this went down. I can’t believe she would leave after I told her I love her. But then again, she probably didn’t think I would.
Luci begins to fuss. It’s like she knew what needed to happen, so she was the sweetest baby. I shut the door and go to her, picking her up so I can hold her close.
“Yes, baby girl. I love you so much.” I kiss her cheek, so happy I have this opportunity again.
The house is quiet; at one point in my life, it would’ve driven me crazy. Now, the fact Charlee isn’t here drives me stir crazy. She’s made this house a home for us, all of us.
My cell rings. and I rush over to it with the tiniest shred of hope.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mars Bar.” Reese sounds happy.
I sigh, sitting down on the couch with Luci. She lays back to front on me, playing with her toes and babbling.
“Do I hear my baby?” she asks cheerily.
“You do.” I take a deep breath. “She said da-da today.”
“Oh my gracious. She did not?” Reese sounds as excited as we were.
I laugh. “Yeah, well she also followed it with ‘da-da-dada’ but hey, I’ll take it. I need some good news.”
“You’ll be happy I called then.” She giggles.
“Please, tell me now, or I’m breaking up with you.”
“Slow your roll. I’m a girl, we appreciate the buildup.”
I roll my eyes. “This isn’t sex, you don’t need foreplay. Spit it out, hag.”
“I hate it when you’re testy.” She pauses. “Hang on, what happened?”
“I’ll tell you after you tell me. You know, foreplay. You tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine.” I chuckle.
“Fine.” I can hear her roll her eyes. “Miss Jessica, the prego roadie?”
“I haven’t forgotten.”
“All it took was a check bigger than Miss Moxy’s to get her to spill her guts.” Reese is thrilled, I’m okay.
“That’s killer. How in the world did you find out?”
“Aksel still has access to certain things, so we found her and got a statement from her stating, ‘you are not the father’.” She keeps cracking up at herself.
“Such great news.”
“Want more?” If I know her, she’s bouncing in her seat.
“Yes, please. Oliver wants more.”
“Your contract is on its last legs; hang in there.”
With all of this amazing news, my heart should be happy, but it isn’t.
“I’m trying.” I don’t have any more words, the pain in my soul hurts too much.
There’s a long pause. “What are you doing?”
“Trying to forget about the huge ass fight Charlee and I just had.” I kiss Luci on top of the head as she sucks her toes.
There’s a knock on the door, and I really don’t want to answer it.
“Alden, open the door,” Reese says, making me move fast.
I get over to the door in record time and swing it wide with Luci in tow. Reese is standing there with a warm smile and open arms. This right here is why she’s my best friend.
I stagger into them, holding onto the last shred of dignity I have. She wraps us in them and holds us until I can breathe again. Luci snubs as hard as I do when I’m finished. We finally make our way back to the living room.
“I called Ava, she’ll be here in five.” Reese lays my head in her lap and strokes my hair. Luci is snuggled beside me, in my arms, and I’m stroking her hair.
We sit like this waiting on Ava. I have a feeling it’s as much for me and Luci as it is, so I don’t have to repeat it for Ava. Soon, another tap on the door.
“It’s open,” Reese says, and Ava walks through it. “Please, lock it.”
Ava rounds the couch, kisses us all three, and puts my feet in her lap.
“Is this what girls do when guys are assholes?” I frown, covering Luci’s ears. She just said da-da. I don’t want her to know I’m one of them yet.
“It is, but we braid hair and shit.” Ava giggles.
“I feel like we need ice cream.”
Reese picks up her phone. “That can be arranged, do you want some?”
I wave my hand. “No, I’m not hungry.”
“You’re in love. You had a huge fight—which, by the way, we need deets. This is what it feels like.” Reese twirls my hair.
“I hate it. I don’t like love; it’s an asshole.” I pout as I play with Luci’s toes.
Ava sighs. “I think the thing that hurts the worst is when you finally get where they are, they’re gone in a different direction.”
“Yes! What is up with that?” I sit up, laying Luci between me and Reese. “I know I messed up, y’all, but damn… why am I paying for her daddy issues?”
“He left her,” Ava points at Luci, “she relates to it.”
I drag my hand over my face. “Am I the only parent who has ever wanted to give up?”
Reese and Ava stare at each other and start to laugh.
“On the daily!” Ava says.
Reese nods. “Every day.”
“I can’t say a lot. I did walk out, and I’ve regretted it since the day I did it. But I was too young and with the wrong person. Luckily, Brannon ended up being the best choice for Andie.” Ava wipes a tear away.
Reese hands her a tissue. This must be why y’all keep them.
“Alden, I’d be hard-pressed to find a parent who hasn’t wanted to quit, take a break, or runaway. We all do, we just don’t do it. I don’t think Charlee expected you to come back, and when you did, it made her take a long, hard look at her life.” Reese winces.
I shake my head. “My coming back should’ve been a good thing, but it’s like she would’ve been better off if I had stayed gone.”
“Well, yeah. Now, she has to help make it work, and what if down the road it doesn’t? Ava raises her brows. “Yes, that’s experience talking.”
“Thank you for your honesty.” Reese fist bumps her. Girls are weird.
I scratch my head. “I told her how I felt, like with real words. Words that grown-ups use.”
“You did not?” Reese hits my shoulder. “You told her you L-O-V-E her?”
I side-eye Ava. “Why did you spell it?”
“It hurts less than hearing you told her you love her? And then, she ran away.” Ava shrugs.
“Damn, you women are brutally honest!”
Reese frowns. “Did you want us to lie?”
“Hell, yes! At least tell me you’re ripping that shit off.” I rub my chest where the pain is.
Reese winces. “Are all guys this bad when they get their heart broken?”
“Why yes, Reese. We go on drunken stupors and try to ruin our lives. After, we have sex with total strangers while calling her by your lover’s name and hating yourself.”
“Wow, we’re so alike.” Ava wrinkles her nose.
I cock a brow. “We don’t get ice cream, we get beer.”
“I think we should combine the two.” Reese laughs.
“Hell, no. I’m off the stuff for a while.”
Ava shifts so she can look at me. “Tell us the rest.”
We sit talking for hours. By the time they leave, I feel less like a shitty parent, more in love than ever before, and ready to write music again.
I need her to know I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.
I sit up, rocking Luci in her amazing nursery, and pen a new song. I know it may not go anywhere, but honestly, there are only two people I want to have it. Fame and money don’t mean a thing if you don’t have anyone to share it with.
“Lullaby.” Something starts working, and I beat the music. “A lullaby for Luci. Luci’s Lullaby. I bet she’ll listen to a song by that name.”
I woke early and got to work. I called Aksel and insisted he come over. He still feels responsible for this mess with Sam; she’s a mess all on her own. By the time he gets here, I’ve got Luci up, fed, and dressed.
I meet him at the door with a huge smile. “Hey, I’m so glad you came.”
“I have to be honest, I’m still fighting leaving.” Aksel rubs his neck.
“Naw, come on in.”
“I have to say you’ve piqued my interest. What’s up?” He sits beside me by the keyboard.
“Music.” I smile. “I need to record a song, and I want you to help me.”
His eyes widen. “Are you sure?”
“There’s no one else I’d rather work with.” I hold out my hand. “How about it?”
His eyes float between my hand and my face. He grabs it with a big smile. “Let’s do this, I’m ready to make some music.”
“Here’s my idea—it’s a lullaby for Luci. I love her so much, but by the time she’s grown, she’ll know the truth about me not being her dad. I want her to have something from this time in our life, telling her how much she means to me and how she and Charlee saved me.”
“Is this it?” He takes the sheet music and reads it. “Man, this is damn good. You know that, right?”
I shrug. “It’s a start; maybe we can build something off of it.”
“We’re both still under contractual obligations, so we’ll need to be careful. I’d hate for Sam to take anything you make on your own.” Aksel’s smart.
“I hadn’t thought of it.” I chew on my lip. “How am I going to get it recorded?”
“My studio.” He grins. “She can’t do a thing there.”
I high five him. “Hell yes! I’m so ready. I’m gonna take every chance I get to show her how much I love her.”
“Which one, Luci or Charlee?” He quirks his brow.
“Luci. Charlee. Both.” I drop my head. “I need them, but I want them so much more. I hate it took so much to show me differently.”
“We all fuck up; it’s what you do after that counts.” He pecks the keys on the board.
“I hope Charlee can see beyond what I once was and who I am now.”
“She will, give her time.” He pats my back. “Let’s get some rhythm going.”
We work most of the day, with me taking breaks for Luci. She’s all about lyrics and melodies. She babbles all day and when she isn’t, she’s eating her feet.
“Honey, how can I tell people you’re the most beautiful, intelligent little lady if you eat your feet all the time? Trust me when I tell you it’s unbecoming, and when you get older, there’s toe jam. Not pretty.” I tweak her nose, and she giggles.
It’s been two weeks since we last saw Charlee. She hasn’t even asked to take Luci, she’s just disappeared. I had hoped the pain in my chest would dissipate with time, but it feels as though it’s getting worse.
I stare at our picture in the nursery and picture us this happy again. “Will we ever get the chance again, Luci? Or do you think your daddy has run your mommy off for good?”
“Mmm-mmm-mmm,” Luci says with a grin, and I can’t resist her smile; it’s contagious.
“Yes, mom-mom-mom.”
She giggles. “Da-da-da.”
“Exactly, Dada is the best.” I eat her cheeks, and she laughs.
I take out my phone and find record. I know this might be a dirty trick, but all’s fair in love and horseshoes. I ready the cell and let my thumb hover over the button.
“Mom-mom-mom.”
Luci tries to repeat me. “Mmm-mmm-mmm.” She giggles when I make a face. “Mom-mom-mom.”
I gasp, letting go of the button. My eyes well with tears, Luci wants her mom and I’m the one who made her leave. “Good one, pal.”
I begin to hum Luci’s Lullaby as she nods off. I think back to the first time I heard Charlee sing, she was amazing. Nothing she does surprises me; she’s a truly amazing creature.
“I promise you, Luci. No matter what the future holds, I’ll be here for you. I love you, baby girl.” I rub my thumb over the ‘send’ option on my cell. Pressing it means I’m still trying. Not sending it means. I’m waiting for you.
I hit send.
“I don’t have any hope she’ll call or come to see you, but my wish is that she does even if it’s just you she wants. I’m okay with it, Luci.”
I run. Like a bat out of hell, I run from him and all the words I’ve wanted to hear him say. I jump in my car and never look back. I drive down Highway Seventeen and don’t stop until I’m at Cherry Grove Pier.
Parking, I take off my shoes and head to the beach. I’m thankful it’s dusk, I’d hate for anyone to see how red my eyes are. I can’t even fathom why we just open our souls that way.
“Who in the hell reopens scars, wounds so deep they’ve left a mark that has remained for all of time?”
We do. Alden and I are so much alike it scares me. He’s so afraid of being alone that he’d rather go ahead and live that way. I suppose it has to hurt less; I know I wish it would’ve when he left.
“I didn’t mean to fall in love. I know he didn’t want to leave us, so why did he? Momma always said hearts were made to be broken. He didn’t realize it was gonna be his. He thought it would only be mine.”
I grab my phone and make a call. I need my girls. Reese doesn’t answer; she’s probably with Alden. Emerson’s out of town. Who can I call? Who will even understand me right now?
I scroll down until I come across a number. I can’t do that, it might be weird. Wait, I’ll call Sarah. I need to see Jordan. I find her number and hit call.
“Hello, Charlee Girl. How are you?” Sarah’s been so happy lately, maybe this was a bad idea.
“Hey, Sarah. Not so good. Alden and I just had a huge blowout.”
“Come on, you need girl time, and I’ve got the perfect girl for you.” I love her.
“I’m on my way.” I hop up as a storm brews off the coast. Most storms bring destruction, some can bring rejuvenation. I’m praying we get the latter because I really do love him.
I’m in my car and at Sarah’s in a matter of minutes. I tap on the door in case Jordan’s asleep. Chord answers and I want to flee; he’s going to hate me.
“Hey, Chord.”
“Come on, tell us what’s going on.” He hugs me as I step inside.
I break into tears. “I messed up, I’ve made a horrible mistake.”
We walk into the living room, and Sarah’s holding Jordan. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t. I miss them terribly.” I fall into the chair.
“Charlee, what happened? When I left, you were talking.” Chord’s brows furrow.
My heart races. “He told me he loves me.” Sarah and Chord look at each other with a smile.
“Is that a bad thing? Cause we all thought you loved him too?” Chord asks.
I wipe my face. “It shouldn’t have been, but I made it bad.”
“How, sweetie?” Sarah takes my hand as I stare at Jordan.
“I said so many awful things to him, but he stood there and told me in so many ways, he loves me. Why did I hurt him?” I’m wrecked, and I can’t figure out why.
Chord leans in. “He hurt you, and you’re scared. Charlee, it’s normal.”
“Why would anyone want to hurt the person you love with words like I said?”
“It’s human nature, it sucks.” Chord twists his mouth. “I know he loves you, give it some time.”
“It wasn’t him, it was all me.” I pound my chest.
Sarah holds h
er mouth in a firm line. “Could it have anything to do with your dad leaving?”
I avert my eyes. “Everything to do with it.”
“Charlee, it’s okay. You were there for Luci because you knew what it would take and you knew you could do it.” Sarah smiles.
“I just can’t understand why he would leave her? What did she do to him? She’s a baby, why desert her?” My body quakes with anger.
Chord shifts in his seat. “I have a story, bear with me.”
“Okay.”
“When Silas passed, Sarah was on the verge of giving up on living. I didn’t understand. How would dying honor our son? I, on the other hand, got up and moved. I gave his unopened toys to a children’s hospital and made his arrangements.
“I wanted to honor him in such a way, everyone would know how much we loved him. Sarah loved him so much, she didn’t want to leave him. I couldn’t fathom the concept, and she thought I was being callus by the things I was doing.” My heart hurts for them so much.
“It took some time to understand it’s okay. People do things differently. We grieve differently. We heal differently. We all have our own take on what we go through and grow through.”
“So while Alden was growing through his issues, I was what? Going through them?” Oh my God. The words hurt more than the pain in my chest.
“Charlee? Did you think of something?” Sarah raises her brows.
I swallow hard as I try to rid the bad taste from my mouth. “His leaving made all of my laden feelings about my dad come to the surface. He was right—I have daddy issues.”
“I’m thinking that was the heat of the moment, and he didn’t mean it.” Chord cringes.
“He didn’t. I had said something horrible to him.” I open my mouth with a pop. “Big boom.”
Sarah winces. “Ouch! Do you think you can talk through it?”
“Yeah, I’m not so sure talking’s our best attribute.” My eyes widen.
Chord chuckles. “It isn’t most peoples; sex saves more marriages than therapists like to admit.”
