Danielle struggled free and rose. Her chest was heaving hard. “I’m a nurse, dammit! I know ’bout condoms and venereal diseases. I work on a floor with women who have to have caesarean sections because they have herpes on their damn pussies. I know all about HIV and how it’s contracted. Yet my stupid ass put my life in a hand of some worthless-ass nigga. I trusted him.”
Kayla tried her best to make it better. “It’s not your fault.”
“Yes, it is! I fucked up. I knew the risks. I could have said no or went and reached for a condom in my drawer, but I didn’t. Now look at me. I’ve got HIV! HIV! My life is ruined.” She collapsed on the floor and started bawling again.
I ran over to her and held her close. This could have been me. I could have HIV, but instead it was my best friend. Her pain is my pain.
“Why, Nae-Nae?” she wailed. “Whyyyyyy!”
“I don’t know, Danny. I really don’t. Things happen for a reason.”
She started screaming and beating me against the chest.
“Go ahead and let it out. Once you do that we can all work on saving your life. Because you’re not going anywhere. You hear me? Nowhere!” I was crying and snotting right along with her.
Danielle finally wore herself out. Kayla came over and said a prayer, and afterward the three of us cried together. I was feeling everything she was going through because a couple of days ago that had been me. Scared and worried if I was going to live long enough to see my grandchildren.
I called her parents and told Victoria we’d be late getting to her house. She was concerned and tried to ask questions, but I told her Danielle would tell her later.
The doorbell rang. I knew it was Nadine and Jordan. Right now was not the time for sharing with anyone outside our circle. Kayla went out, and while she talked to them, I continued to hold my best friend until she didn’t have any tears left.
“Nae, wha . . . wha . . . what am I going to do?” she heaved.
“You’re going to live.”
57
Danielle
I finally got myself together enough to go over to my parents’. Portia and the baby came home, and for the next couple of hours I forgot all about what the doctor said and enjoyed the most important people in the world to me. It was a wonderful evening. I felt good until Portia went up to rest and took the baby with her. It was then I realized I just might not be around long enough to watch her grow up.
Renee and Kayla sat on the couch and held my hands while I broke the news to my parents. My mom broke down and started crying, and my father tried his hardest to hold himself together. I had the two of them promise not to tell Portia. I wanted to wait and tell her when I thought she was ready.
I don’t remember saying good-bye or Renee driving back to my house. All I could think about was what the doctor had told me. You tested positive for HIV.
Kayla carried in a cup of hot tea that she promised would make me feel better. I laughed when she said that. Yeah, right. It’s going to take my HIV away. But I took it anyway and sipped while I was thinking.
Renee walked back into the room to tell me Nadine was on her way over.
I sat up straight on the couch. “I’ve got to inform all my partners.”
Renee scowled as she took a seat beside me. “There is plenty of time for that later.”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve got to tell Ron, Chance, and Calvin.”
“Shit, for all we know one of them mothafuckas is how you contracted the shit.”
“It doesn’t matter. I still have to tell them.” I put the mug down. “Kayla, hand me my phone.”
She gave me a skeptical look. “Danny, can’t you wait a couple of days?”
“No! They could be infecting someone else right now. I could never live with myself if that happened. I have to tell them I’m infected and there’s a chance that they might have it, too!”
She nodded and handed me the cordless phone. I just wanted to get this ordeal over. I called Calvin and got his voice mail. I spoke to Nita and told her how vital it was I spoke to Ron. She said she would give him the message, but I know I’ll have to track him down myself. Chance was the only one who answered.
“I knew you would come to your senses. Baby girl, I’ll be right over.”
I hung up the phone and finished my tea.
Kayla squeezed my hand. “Etienne is beautiful.”
I was proud. “She is, isn’t she?”
“And with all of these godmothers she’s going to be spoiled rotten!” Renee added with a laugh.
The three of us talked until Nadine arrived and they let me break the news to her in private. She and I cried together. I guess I must be getting used to the idea, because I didn’t cry as much—or maybe I’m just all cried out for the day.
The doorbell rang and I knew it was Chance. Nadine went in the kitchen with the others so I could break the news to him in private. I took a deep breath, then moved over to the door and opened it.
“Whassup, baby girl?” He flashed that sexy grin, then pulled me into a bear hug. It felt so good to be held by him. Maybe, just maybe, since he loves me so much, he’ll stick by me and see me through my illness.
Feeling hopeful, I took his hand and had him follow me over to the couch where we took a seat.
“Okay, hold up . . . Let me talk first.” Chance got down on his knee in front of me and took my hand.
“Chance, please—”
He cut me off. “No, baby girl, let yo man speak.” He took a deep breath. “I know I’ve been acting a fool and not being honest with you about my life, and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I promise to do better. I know I be acting jealous and shit, but that’s because I can’t imagine sharing what I have with you. What I’m trying to say is if you give me a second chance, I promise to be a better man. Hell, I’ll even take counseling. All I ask is that we do this together as man and wife,” he pleaded.
Tears flooded my eyes because I knew that wasn’t easy for him to do. “Chance, please, get up and have a seat.” He looked confused as he moved beside me. “I need to tell you something.”
He really looked at me for the first time since he entered my house. I’m sure my eyes were red and swollen shut. “What, baby girl? You’re scaring me.”
I took his hands in mine and dropped my head. “Chance, I got a call from the doctor yesterday.”
“Yeah?”
I exhaled deeply. Don’t cry, just breathe. “I’m HIV positive.”
He sat still for so long, I thought maybe he stopped breathing. Tears started streaming down his face. Oh my goodness, he does love me. Tears flooded my eyes and I wiped them away. “Baby, say something.”
Then his face changed. I’ve seen that rage and anger before. I knew what was coming next, but I was too stunned to move.
“You stupid bitch!” He drew back and punched me in the head, and I fell onto the floor. “How the hell you gonna put my life at risk like that? I need this dick to make my money, and now you’re taking that shit away!” He started kicking me in the stomach and head, and I screamed and rolled up in a fetal position. I couldn’t fight and didn’t want to because I deserved what was happening to me. He kicked me again and would have kept on if the girls hadn’t come running into the room screaming. I heard a thump and he fell onto the floor. I looked up and Renee was holding my iron skillet.
“You stupid mothafucka!” she screamed and kept on hitting him until Kayla and Nadine pulled her away. “Don’t nobody fuck with my sistahs!” Renee lowered onto the couch and flung that skillet, and it hit him again over the head.
“I’m calling the police!” Nadine ran over and grabbed the receiver.
Kayla rushed to my side. “You okay?”
My eye was swollen. I touched my mouth and wiped blood away and started shaking my head. I’ll never be okay again.
The police came and took our statements. Since I had an ex parte on Chance, I didn’t mention I asked him over. He was just starting to regain consciousness when they t
ook him away. Kayla, Nadine, and Renee stuck around another few hours before I was able to finally get rid of them. They were my good friends, but I wanted to be alone so I could think.
I had to let Ron know my results. Even though he had dogged me out that night, it was the least I could do, especially after everything I put him through with Portia. I called his mother and left another message for him to call me. She must have heard the despair in my voice because she finally promised to go and get him for me.
While I waited, I took in the bruises on my face. I deserved every one. They weren’t enough for all of the one-night stands I’ve had. While standing at the mirror, I felt different. On the outside I was the same person, minus the bruises and the black eye, but on the inside I had changed. Mostly it was the way I now felt about myself. Right now, it was overwhelming emptiness.
It was after five when my cell phone rang. I ran over and noticed the number had been blocked.
“Whassup, you called?” It was Ron. Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“Ron . . . I’m HIV positive.”
Silence. Dead silence.
“Ron, did you hear what I said?”
It sounded like he was smoking a cigarette. “Yeah, I heard.”
“You heard?” How could he possibly be so calm? Unless . . . Oh dear God!
“Did you get the notes I left you? Ya know . . . be careful of the company you keep?”
I could barely speak. “Yes.”
“Welcome to AIDS, bi-aaatchhh!” he shrieked and started laughing before the phone went dead.
I dropped the phone. My knees gave out and I sank onto the floor, too stunned for words. I must have sat there an hour before the tears started again, and they didn’t stop until the sun rose the next morning. By then I ran out of tears, which was a good thing because I was so tired. I went to sleep and kept on sleeping. I heard knocks at the door and I ignored them. I was living on a tropical island with my daughter and Etienne and we were so happy. I was HIV free.
Someone was in my house. I could hear them but I ignored all the voices—Renee, Kayla, Mama—and just kept on sleeping. The only thing that finally got me up was that I had to pee, bad. I rose and felt every bruise on my body as I carried myself to the bathroom to relieve myself. I didn’t dare look in the mirror. Instead I washed my face and brushed my teeth, then moved back to my room. There was a knock at my door.
“Come in,” I mumbled. I wished they would all just go and leave me alone.
“Hey, you.”
I turned my head to look at Calvin standing in the doorway. “Hi.”
He strolled into the room. “My God! What happened to you?” He rushed to my side and helped me back down onto the bed. “Look at me, Danielle. What’s going on with you? I had to work a double yesterday. As soon as I got your message I rushed over.”
I stared up into his handsome face and prayed that I hadn’t infected this wonderful man. Please, Lord. Not Calvin. The tears started again. I didn’t know I had any left.
“Baby, please tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded.
I took his hands in mine and prayed that the girls got upstairs in time to save me from another beating. Then again, maybe I deserved to die.
“Calvin . . . I’m so sorry. I . . . I . . . I’m HIV positive.”
His eyes grew large. “What?”
My bottom lip quivered. “I’m so so sorry. I just found out and wanted to tell you right away so you could get tested.”
He raked a hand across his face and rose, then moved over to stare out the window.
“Y- you have every right to hate me. I-I’ve put you through more than any man should have to go through. And I’m sorry. I truly am sorry. Go ahead and hate me.”
He swung around so fast, I jumped. “Would you be quiet!” He returned to his seat. “How could I ever hate you? I love you, Danielle. I’ve been in love with you for almost a year, and you being HIV positive is not going to change that.” He paused to take a deep breath.
“But I put you at risk.”
“When we first started dating, did you know you were HIV positive?”
I wiped my cheek and shook my head. “No.”
“Then you didn’t put my life at risk. I did that myself, and if I’ve been infected then that is something I will have to deal with. The only thing that matters right now is how you are feeling.”
I started crying hard again. I didn’t deserve his friendship.
“Danielle, I love you. I want to be your husband in sickness and in health. If you’ll have me.”
I started shaking my head. “I couldn’t do that to you.”
“The only thing you can do is break my heart by saying no.” He dropped down on his knees, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small black box and opened it. My eyes were blurry from tears so I couldn’t see anything but sparkle.
“Danielle Brooks, will you marry me? Together we can conquer anything.”
I looked up at the door and saw Renee, Danielle, Nadine, Portia, and Mama holding my grandbaby. All were standing there nodding.
I returned my attention to Calvin, who was trying to be strong and not cry, but a single tear rolled down his cheek. It was then that I realized how much I loved him as well. And I planned to spend the rest of my life showing him.
“Yes, I’ll marry you.” I dropped into his arms and he cradled me close.
My family started screaming and clapping as I sealed my decision with a kiss. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but with all of them surrounding me, I was going to survive.
58
Renee
Wednesday I went to Nyra Recreational Center looking for my mother. I hung around all day until one of the workers came up to see if she could help me. I guess since I’m not crazy I stuck out like a sore thumb.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
I looked into her kind chocolate face. “I was trying to see if my mother was here.”
“Who’s your mother?” Her badge said program director.
“Bernice Brown.”
She frowned. “That name doesn’t sound familiar, but I can check our database.”
I sat around watching the mentally ill playing Ping-Pong and doing arts and crafts activities at a nearby table.
“I’m sorry, but we haven’t had anyone by that name. I checked the computer. Every participant has to register to attend our services here and they have to sign in during each and every visit.”
“What about Hattie Woods?”
He eyes lit up with recognition. “Oh yeah, Hattie is a regular here. Although we haven’t seen her in two weeks.”
“That’s because her mother died and she went to St. Louis for her funeral.”
Her brow rose. “Hattie’s mother died when she was a kid. It was a traumatic experience because Hattie was spending the summer with her grandmother when she passed away. By the time she got home her mother had already been buried.”
All hope swept from my body.
“Schizophrenics have moments when they believe something is happening that really isn’t. If she told you her mother had just died then she was reliving that time in her life. It’s really sad because they sound so convincing. Unless you know better, you believe them.”
I left the building and felt like crying. I had gotten my hopes up. Despite everything I do and say, I really did want to see my mama again, but it didn’t seem like that was going to happen until she was ready to come back home.
I drove home and spotted Hattie walking up the street. She stopped and waved when she saw me. “Hey, Hattie. What are you doing here?”
She was smiling and seemed agitated. “I just got back.”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, they did a cremation. When I get my check I’m going to pay you back.”
I shook my head. “You don’t have to.”
“But I want to,” she said in an animated voice. “I never saw my mother look like that before. She had on a white dress and a band aroun
d her hair that looked like a halo.”
I gave her a sad smile and didn’t even mention that a few seconds ago she said her mother had been cremated. “Well, I’m glad you’re back.”
“Me, too,” she said, then waved and moved down the street. I looked in my rearview mirror and realized she didn’t even have on shoes.
I drove on home and went inside my empty house. The kids wouldn’t be home for hours. I had taken off work because I really believed I was going to see my mama. I reached for my photo albums in the cabinet, pulled one out, and started flipping through it, looking at her pictures and remembering the happier times. Tears started running down my face and I reached for a tissue on the coffee table and wiped my face. Mama was out there somewhere. Hopefully, someday I’ll find her, and when I do, I’m going to welcome her with open arms.
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I reached for it, and when I saw it was John I got mad all over again.
“Hello?”
“Renee, this is John. Did you go and take your test?”
“Yep. And guess what, mothafucka, ain’t shit wrong with me.”
“What?” He seemed stunned by my response.
“Do I have to spell it out to your gay ass? I don’t have HIV!” There was a long silence. It was so long I thought he had hung up. “Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m just thinking, that’s all. If I didn’t get it from you or Shemar, I must have contracted it from Carl.”
“Who the hell is Carl?”
“A man I met online last year. Sorry about that.” He hung up just as I was ready to cuss his ass out. He put me through that shit for nothing. Gay-ass mothafucka! First thing tomorrow I am getting a lawyer and divorcing his ass.
My life was starting over. I hadn’t heard from Kenny. I’m sure he’s going to call me once things die down for him at home. And when he does, I plan to tell him it’s over. I never felt good about messing around with a married man, and I shouldn’t have ever started something that I didn’t believe in, but at least I still had a chance to correct my mistake.
Careful of the Company You Keep Page 30
