Nancy Fisher and Gus had been sweethearts already when Ben left, so he wasn’t surprised. But it did startle him to see the boppli Gus held on his knee. The little girl babbled, reaching past him toward Reuben.
“This here’s Mary Grace.” He bounced the tot on his knee and she grinned, showing her few teeth.
Ben shook his head. “Imagine you, responsible enough to be a daadi. I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Beat you to it, anyway.” Gus looked as if he couldn’t stop smiling.
The familiar give and take between buddies was a balm to his heart. Here was one person, at least, who hadn’t changed in his regard.
“If Nancy knew half the things you got up to, she’d never trust you with a boppli. Where is Nancy, anyway?”
“She’s been helping out with the props for the program. She’d want to talk to you later, but mind you don’t say anything about the mischief you led me into. I had enough sense not to...”
Gus let that trail off, and the tips of his ears reddened. “I mean...”
“It’s okay.” Ben punched his arm lightly. If he was going to stay, he’d have to get used to folks stumbling over what to say about his jumping the fence. “I always did have to learn everything the hard way, ain’t so?”
The teacher walked to the front of the audience just then, and everyone got quiet, sparing Gus the embarrassment of answering. “We’ll get together later, ain’t so?” he murmured, and turned to face front.
Ben settled back onto the bench and realized that Anna was watching his face, maybe measuring how much he was affected by that conversation. He gave her a reassuring smile and watched her flush a little in return.
Teacher Lydia proved to be Nancy’s younger sister. She had more poise than he’d have expected as she welcomed everyone and introduced the program. As usual, the evening began with the youngest scholars, probably because they were too excited to wait.
He might have expected to be bored by the program, given some of the entertainment he’d seen in the outside world. In fact, he was completely rapt. The scholars’ innocent faces, intent expressions and sometimes wobbly voices were enchanting. He glanced at Anna. She was watching just as closely, a reminiscent smile curving her lips.
Of course it would be familiar to her. Even though she hadn’t grown up in Lost Creek, her school would have had a program that was probably very like this one. No doubt she’d stood up in front of the audience, quaking a bit, to say her lines.
As if Anna felt his gaze, she met his eyes.
“Do you miss it?” he whispered under cover of the song the younger kinder were singing. “Being with your own folks at Christmastime?”
She shook her head. “I was there visiting at Thanksgiving. But Lost Creek is home now. And I get out of the rumspringa gang Christmas parties.”
That comment startled him. Why wouldn’t she want to get together with the girls she’d gone through rumspringa with? Those were usually the people who became your friends for life.
Then he really looked at her, seeing what he hadn’t before. She cradled the sleeping Reuben against her heart, and when she looked down at him, her face was suffused with tenderness. Of course. All those girls would have families by now, except for Anna. And she wanted a family—that shone so clearly in her face.
Ben’s breath seemed to catch in his throat. She was so loving and so very lovely as she watched his nephew. He saw her as he’d seen her that night so long ago, when he’d realized without warning that he loved her.
And then he’d panicked at the thought of what that meant—giving up the travels he dreamed of, settling down to the same life as his father and his brothers, with all hope of adventure gone. He’d panicked. And he’d run.
Anna glanced up and caught him looking at her. Her eyes widened, and a tiny pulse beat at her temple. He couldn’t look away. Their gazes were entangled. He couldn’t see anything but her face, hear anything but the breath she took. It was as if they were alone in the room.
Maybe it was gut that they weren’t alone, or he’d never be able to stop himself from drawing her into his arms, kissing her sweet lips, holding her tight—
The cell phone he’d put in his jacket began to vibrate. He could switch it off. Ignore it. That’s what he’d been trying to do since he came home, but it wasn’t working.
He’d left unfinished business behind in the outside world, and it wasn’t going to leave him alone. The truth hit him like a blow. He’d never be able to commit fully to the church, to his family or to Anna until he’d made things right with Mickey.
Chapter Six
Breakfast at the Miller house was never a quiet affair, since Josh always had something to talk about. Today his mamm was busy teasing him about his efforts to help Teacher Lydia at the program the previous night. Given the way the tips of his ears had turned red, there had been more to his helpfulness than just pitching in.
Anna sent a cautious glance at Ben. Although he was smiling at his brother’s plight, he seemed a bit preoccupied. Was he thinking of those moments at the Christmas program when it seemed their hearts had touched? Or was that just her imagination? And how many times did she have to remind herself that Ben had broken her heart once already? It would be foolish to give him an opportunity to do it again.
“How many appointments are scheduled for the birthing center today, Anna?” Elizabeth settled at the foot of the table, nursing a second cup of coffee and leafing through her box of handwritten recipes.
Anna had to scramble to get her thoughts back to business. “I have two, and I think you might have three.”
“Is that what you’d call a baby boom, Mamm?” Ben looked up from his plate of fried scrapple.
“No, just the Amish doing what comes naturally,” Elizabeth replied, smiling at him.
Anna found herself smiling, as well. Most Amish males didn’t mention a baby until it was safely in its cradle for all to see, but the family of a midwife didn’t have such scruples.
Elizabeth pulled a card from the box. “There’s my pfeffernuesse recipe. I wondered where it got to.” She set it on the table with a decided air. “You can take all the appointments today, Anna, ain’t so?”
Blinking with surprise, Anna nodded. “I guess so. Aren’t you feeling well?”
“I’m feeling like playing hooky and baking Christmas cookies today.” Her eyes twinkled. “After all, that’s why I have a partner.”
Anna did a mental run-through of today’s appointments. “Some of your mothers might not like seeing me instead of you,” she ventured.
“Well, that’s too bad, but they’d best start getting used to it. Sooner or later you’ll be taking over completely, ain’t so? It’s time they started seeing you as the midwife. And maybe time you were convinced of it, too.”
She thought she had been. Anna tried not to feel hurt and planted a smile on her face. “I’ll take care of it. Denke, Elizabeth.”
By the time the routine had actually started at the birthing center, Anna had convinced herself that Elizabeth was only trying to bolster her confidence. She did need to show a little more conviction in her abilities, she supposed, but it was comforting to know that Elizabeth was there if she ran into difficulties.
It had wondered her sometimes if giving birth herself would make her more qualified to help others. But since that was unlikely to happen, she’d just have to push through with what she knew and had experienced in the past five years of working with Elizabeth.
The day wore on with no unpleasant surprises. She’d just waved goodbye to one of her Englisch clients when she spotted Ben heading toward the birthing center. She waited on the tiny porch, wrapping a shawl around her against the cold, crisp air. As Ben neared, she could hear the snow crunching under his boots.
“What brings you this way?” she asked, half expectin
g he’d walk on past to the field beyond.
Instead he mounted the steps, brandishing a toolbox in one hand. “Mamm sent me over to mend the drawer in your desk. She says if you pull on it too hard, it flies out into your lap.”
“True enough, but if you have something else to do...”
“Not a thing,” he said cheerfully, grabbing the door and holding it for her before following her inside. “Besides, if I hang around the scent of Mamm’s baking any longer, I’ll be sneaking even more cookies than Joshua is.”
“That might be hard.” She replaced the shawl on the wall hook where it belonged. “That boy has a sweet tooth, that’s certain sure.”
Ben gestured to the desk. “Okay if I start work, or do you need to get something out?”
“Just let me grab these files.” She picked them up. “I’ll work at your mother’s desk until the next patient comes.”
The next patient, she reminded herself, was Martha Esch, all of whose eight kinder had been delivered by Elizabeth. Somehow she didn’t think Martha was going to be eager to change.
“Problem, is she?” Ben seemed to be reading her mind.
She shrugged. “She’s one of your mamm’s clients. She may not be too happy about seeing me instead.” That didn’t sound self-pitying, did it? That was the last thing she wanted.
Ben slid the drawer out, emptying the contents on the desk. “Sounds as if Mamm might be right to push the baby bird out of the nest.”
Anna’s rare temper flared. “I am not a baby bird.”
Ben gave her the teasing grin that melted hearts. “I’m the bird that flew the nest too soon. Which is worse?”
Fortunately for Anna, she heard the sound of a buggy pulling up outside. Chin held high, she went to the door to greet Martha Esch.
Martha came in stamping snow from her shoes. “Nippy out today, ain’t so, Anna?” She nodded to Ben. “Wonderful gut that you’re home, Ben. And making yourself useful, I see.”
Anna took her coat and hung it from a hook as Martha removed her bonnet and glanced around. “Where is Elizabeth? I have the time right, don’t I?”
“Sure you do.” Anna took a breath, wishing Ben were not there listening. “She’s taking the day off, and she wants me to see her patients. If you’ll komm to the other room...”
Martha frowned. “Is she sick?”
“No, nothing like that. She deserves a day off now and then, ain’t so?”
“I suppose so.” She frowned. “Maybe I’ll make my appointment for another day, when she’s back. After all, she’s been the one to catch all my babies. What about tomorrow?” Martha reached for her coat.
Anna very nearly picked up the appointment calendar. She’d tried, hadn’t she? Her hand stilled. She was aware of Martha waiting and of Ben, listening despite his pretense of being absorbed in his work.
What did they see when they looked at her? More importantly, what did she see when she looked in the mirror? How could she expect other people to take her seriously if she didn’t take herself that way?
She picked up the patient file and turned to Martha with a smile that was as confident as she could manage. “Elizabeth wants me to check you today. I’ll make sure that she sees all the notes from the visit. Shall we go in?” She held the door to the exam room.
Martha stared at her for a moment. Then she shrugged, smiling. “Ach, I’m being foolish, ain’t so?” And she walked into the exam room.
Trying not to look surprised, Anna somehow couldn’t keep herself from glancing at Ben. His eyes crinkled, and he gave her a thumbs-up sign.
Feeling ridiculously triumphant, Anna went to do her job.
* * *
Ben stepped carefully from one plank to another in the attic after supper, well aware that he could go through to the bedroom ceiling if he didn’t stay on the boards. Josh, with his usual exuberance, was already under the eaves, shifting boxes.
“I thought Mamm said the crèche set was in a small box,” Ben said, knowing that he’d have to restack whatever Josh moved.
“Guess so.” Josh shifted the battery lantern he was carrying to illuminate another section of attic. Days were too short now to get much light coming through the small windows.
Ben paused, reaching overhead to rest his hand against the rough-hewn timber that made up the rafters. The first of the Miller family to settle here had built the farmhouse from trees he felled when he cleared land for crops. Ben had always figured that made the old farmhouse as much a part of the land as the huge oak tree behind the barn.
“Not here,” Josh said, swinging around. “Better try the other side.”
“And you’d best be careful where you step,” Ben warned. “I’m not taking the blame if you put your big foot through the bedroom ceiling.”
“Remember when Dan did that?” Josh grinned. “I was just a kid, but I can still hear Daad yelling.”
“And a bit later it was Dan yelling,” Ben said. It had been a long time since he’d reminisced with his brother. It felt good.
“Here it is,” Josh said, swinging the lantern over a stack of boxes. He picked up the small box and handed it to Ben.
“Sure enough.” The box was labeled in Mamm’s meticulous hand. “How did it get way back there anyway? I’d think Mamm would have put it away close to the ladder last year.”
Josh didn’t answer for a moment. “Mamm hasn’t decorated for Christmas much the past few years.” He wasn’t looking at Ben as he made his way toward the ladder.
It took a moment to sink in, and then Ben’s heart sank. Yet another thing to chalk up to his account, it seemed. “Sorry.” His voice roughened. “Guess I caused even more trouble than I thought. I hope you and I are okay.”
“Sure thing.” Once again Josh hesitated. “Have you thought about talking to Daad about the farm and what I want to do? I figured maybe we’d have it settled by now.”
He’d thought about it plenty. He just didn’t have any answers. “I haven’t been back long. Maybe it’s best to wait.”
“I can’t wait.” The edge in Josh’s voice startled him. “Zeb King is going to take on another apprentice at his machine shop in January, and he gave me first chance at it.”
Ben studied his brother’s face. “Are you sure that’s what you want?” Zeb King had one of the largest Amish-owned businesses in Lost Creek, doing all kinds of machine work for Englisch companies.
“Not for good. I wouldn’t want to spend my life working for someone else. But Zeb says he’ll make sure I learn enough to be able to start my own shop, doing small engine repairs. That’s what I really want. I thought it was impossible, but now you’re back. You should take on the responsibility for the farm. You said you would.”
“Look, I said I’d talk to Daad about it, but I’m not ready yet.” He’d hardly been home long enough for Daad to have any confidence in him. Maybe he never would.
But Josh didn’t seem to be considering that. “When will you be ready?” Josh snapped the question. Obviously he’d expected Ben’s homecoming to solve all his problems.
Ben tried to remind himself that Josh was too young to know problems didn’t get solved that easily. The weight of expectations on him was starting to feel heavy.
The last time he’d felt that way, he’d run. He wouldn’t do that again.
He met his brother’s gaze, trying to see past the anger and disappointment there. “After Christmas,” he said firmly. “Mamm deserves a happy Christmas without any family quarrels. If you want to bring it up sooner, you’ll have to do it yourself.”
Josh’s face tightened. “You’re the one who got me into this. It’s up to you to solve it.”
Ben’s jaw clenched in response. He’d thought Josh was the one person whose acceptance he didn’t have to worry about. Looked as if he’d been wrong.
“You boys coming down soon?” Anna called from the bottom of the ladder. “Your mamm is saying she should have gone herself instead of sending the two of you to find something.”
“We have it,” Ben said, leaning over the opening to see Anna’s face tilted up to him. “On our way down.”
He turned to his brother. “After the holidays,” he said firmly. Without waiting for a response, he climbed down the ladder to where Anna waited.
Chapter Seven
Anna collected the broom and dustpan and hurried out of the kitchen before Elizabeth could think of something else she should do. With only two days until Christmas, Elizabeth had launched into a storm of cooking, baking, and cleaning, sweeping Anna along with her. All of their expectant mammis were probably doing the same, so they hadn’t had any appointments. Anna’s thoughts slipped to Dora. She hoped all was going well there, and that the babe would put off its arrival for another week.
Anna scurried into the living room, intent on her current chore, and was surprised to find Ben there, warming himself in front of the propane heater.
“Ach, you surprised me. I didn’t hear you komm in.”
“Shh.” Ben’s smile flashed. “I slipped in while you and Mamm were occupied.”
“Afraid she has a job for you?” she teased.
“Anna, you know me too well. I don’t remember Mamm getting in such a tizzy for Christmas in years. You’d think we were getting ready to host the church for worship.”
“She’s cleaning everything that stands still, that’s for sure.” She gestured with the dustpan. “It’s a special Christmas, ain’t so?”
He didn’t pretend not to understand. “I’d hate to think I was the reason for all this extra cleaning. What are you up to? This room is so clean you could eat off the floor already.”
“I’m supposed to brush up any needles fallen from the greens on the windowsills.” Anna moved to the nearest window and knelt, realizing a short-handled brush would have done the job better.
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