by Susan Wiggs
The two older boys burst into motion, cramming back packs, tucking shirttails, shoving last-minute permission slips at their mother to sign. They tumbled toward the door, yelling goodbye to their dad, who was still upstairs. Luz stood at the door, waiting to pitch the lunches like airdropped food-aid packets into their backpacks as they passed. She also managed to squeeze in a couple of quick kisses, and then they were gone.
Finally she sank down across the table from Jessie and heaved a happy sigh. “Life among the savages,” she said.
“Am I a savage?” Scottie asked.
“Not until you learn to burp-sing the alphabet,” Jessie said.
“Thanks a lot,” said Luz. “Now he’ll be practicing all day.”
Catching her sister’s flicker of annoyance, Jessie held her breath, waiting for Part Two of the Great Tattoo Debate, but Luz seemed distracted this morning. This was the way they had always fought, ever since they were small—by avoiding the issue and letting it simmer beneath the surface. The method never resolved anything, but at least it kept the peace.
Luz chucked Scottie under the chin and said, “Go finish getting ready, sport. Arnufo is going to look after you today.”
“Yippee!” He fetched his sneakers from a tray by the door. Spying his sister coming downstairs, he ran right to her and plunked himself on the floor. “I need you to tie my shoes, Lila,” he said, sticking out one foot.
With an exaggerated sigh, she set aside her backpack. “Whatever.” Then she bent down to tie his little G.I. Joe sneakers for him. Jessie observed that, even when Lila was in the foulest of moods, Scottie could make her smile, could remind her that she was not the only person on the planet. She narrated the ritual of shoe-tying, making the bunny rabbit ears and knotting them together. She ended with a quick tickle that escalated into a shriekfest.
As Lila and Scottie played together, Luz leaned forward across the table. “So last night. Tell me.”
“He took me out for Mexican food.”
“I know that.”
“In Mexico.”
Luz clutched at her chest and pretended to faint dead away on the table. “That is hideously, unforgivably romantic.”
“Isn’t it, though?” A bittersweet air of wistfulness possessed Jessie. “It was an hour and a half away, in the cutest little town called Candela. We had dinner, and stayed at a colonial inn. Our room was…I barely remember it. There was a holy water font.” She thought about all she’d felt last night. The new world of emotion had been a foreign country to her. The sensation of loving a man this way—in every way—overwhelmed her. “He’s amazing.”
“He’s crazy about you, too.” Luz knew something was up. Jessie could feel the waves of suspicion, as subtle as fine perfume. “So what about today?” Luz asked. “Maybe he’ll take you on a little jaunt to New Orleans.”
Lila helped herself to a glass of orange juice and drank it standing up, leaning against the counter. “Dusty Matlock?”
“She said she liked Mexican food, so he took her to Mexico last night,” Luz explained.
“Awesome.”
While Lila fixed herself a Pop-Tart, Luz bustled around, getting Scottie ready. Under her pajama top, she wore panty hose and a good gabardine skirt. Her feet were stuffed into fuzzy slippers.
“You’re only half-dressed, Mom,” Lila observed.
“I’ll get to the other half after breakfast. Anyway, I’ll be up at your school later, doing more pictures for Nell’s article.” She hesitated. “This is really important to me, Lila.”
Lila tossed the hot pastry from hand to hand. “It’s cool with me, I guess.”
“Way cool,” echoed Scottie.
Maybe that was it, Jessie thought with a wave of relief. Maybe Luz seemed happy today because of the photography work. Yet Jessie could feel the tension emanating from her sister.
“How about I push you in the swing until Arnufo comes?” she asked Scottie. “Yeah!”
Jessie took his hand. “Lead the way, Superman.”
He gamely led her outside, and she pushed distractedly at the swing while she experimented with her vision. The pigmentary changes Dr. Margutti had observed were taking over. Colors had lightened, giving the world around her an odd, misty beauty indicative of the end stage of her disease. She was able to think about what was happening in clinical terms. In her mind, she was still in control, matter-of-fact about the dying of the light. That was safer than trying to figure out where she really was in her adjustment. Somewhere between panic and resignation, she supposed.
She heard the sound of a car on the road. Not yet. Not yet.
“Arnufo’s here!” Scottie left the swing like a stone from a slingshot.
Before relinquishing Scottie to Arnufo, Jessie picked up her littlest nephew, holding him under the armpits so that he was face-to-face with her. “See you around, kiddo. Take care of yourself. Remember, it’s bunny-eat-bunny out there.”
“Yup.”
She kissed his soft, milk-and-sugar face before handing him over to Arnufo.
“You should come with us,” Arnufo said.
“Come with us!” Scottie agreed as he grappled with his seat belt.
Jessie swallowed hard. “Too many things to do today,” she said. “Give Dusty and Amber my love.”
“That is for you to give.” Arnufo went around to the driver’s side and got in. They took off in a cloud of dust shot through by light from the morning sun.
It took Jessie several long minutes to get a grip before making her way back inside. Luz was wiping down the table while Lila picked at her breakfast. “I don’t see why you have to get involved,” she was saying. “It’s not helping anything.”
Jessie realized they were arguing about the article. “Will it make things worse?” she asked, taking a seat next to Lila.
She shifted in her chair. “She interferes in everything else. Why not this?”
“I’d never do anything to hurt you,” Luz said. “Is this going to hurt you?”
Be honest, Jessie silently urged her.
“Because if you say yes, I’ll quit right now.”
Lila’s hesitation shrieked with tension. “It’s okay, I guess,” she said at last. “You might as well. Everybody always goes ape-shit for your pictures.”
“I think she’s secretly impressed,” Jessie said to Luz. “And so gracious, too.” She quickly changed the subject. “You wouldn’t believe what I found out about teenagers’ brains when I was researching the article.” She explained what she had learned about the prefrontal cortex.
Lila acted nonchalant. “So what?”
“So it means you don’t have to be naughty forever.” You don’t have to be like me.
Luz hugged her. “It means you’ll grow out of it, and in the meantime, we’ll love you, no matter what. That’s all anybody needs,” she pointed out.
“I guess,” said Lila.
Luz excused herself to finish dressing. Jessie and Lila sat alone, Lila with her juice and pastry, Jessie with her cold coffee and breaking heart.
Lila stood and lifted the hem of her shirt, showing off the tattoo that had almost given her mother apoplexy. “Mine’s itching a little bit,” she said in a conspiratorial whisper. “What about yours?”
“Itchy. It’ll go away. Regrets?” Jessie asked.
“Are you kidding?” Lila primped her hair. “I’m a new woman, didn’t you know?”
“That’s the attitude.”
“I was totally bummed about not going to homecoming,” Lila confessed. “But I’ve met this guy named Andy Cruz. He’s a senior, training with the volunteer rescue service. He was one of the first ones on the scene of the wreck. He wants to come over to show me some stuff he found at the scene of the accident to see if any of it’s mine. After everything that’s happened, homecoming seems so…pointless.”
“Oh, love, it’s not. You’re too young to be thinking like that.”
“Andy’s not going. And he’s so totally hotter than Heath Walker you
wouldn’t believe it. It’s not like a date or anything. And if he just shows up, and Mom and Dad are here, that’s not violating my restriction, is it?”
“I’m not touching that one.” Jessie made a sign against evil, only half joking. Slender and graceful, her daughter was unimaginably beautiful in so many ways. She was a volatile combination of strength and vulnerability, recklessness and caution, youthful impatience and enduring sweetness. Jessie felt a deep regret for missing out on this young lady’s life, and finally she acknowledged the envy she felt toward Luz for being a part of something so much bigger and more important than all of Jessie’s accomplishments combined.
She crossed the room to where the unsuspecting girl was shuffling through school papers and notebooks.
“I need to tell you something,” Jessie said.
“Yeah? What’s that?”
Jessie weighed the things she needed to say against the things Lila needed to hear. And she realized they were two different matters. The facts of the past were Luz’s to tell—as soon as Luz knew all the facts.
Reaching out, Jessie smoothed her hand over Lila’s hair. Something in her touch must have alerted the girl, for Lila stopped searching through her papers and stared at Jessie.
“This is a kickass haircut,” Jessie said.
“Is it?”
“Yes. And Lila?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been a lot of places in my life. Seen all sorts of people, all over the world. And I want you to know that, sweetie, you’re the best, most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen, the best thing I’ll ever hope to see.”
Lila shifted, ill at ease. She clearly had no idea where all the sentimentality had come from. “Um, thanks, Aunt Jessie. I, uh, better be getting to school now. The bus’ll be here soon.” She grabbed her school bag, then stopped in front of the hall mirror for one last peek at her new tattoo. Then, before rushing out the door, she stopped and gave Jessie a hug.
Her arms were firm, her skin soft and sweet-smelling. Jessie shut her eyes and wished she could sneak across the boundaries and take up secret residence in Lila’s heart. “Love you,” she whispered into the dewy smell of Lila’s freshly shampooed hair.
“Love you, too,” Lila replied, stepping back and heading for the door. “See you this afternoon. Bye, Daddy,” she yelled. “Bye, Mom!”
“Bye, love,” Jessie whispered, though she knew Lila wouldn’t hear.
A moment later, Ian appeared, wearing what he only half jokingly termed his death row getup—a charcoal-colored suit with a crisp white shirt, conservative navy tie and his one pair of dress shoes. “Morning, Jess,” he said, helping himself to coffee.
“Hey.”
Acting slightly awkward, Ian said, “I guess I’ll see you later.”
“Later.” She heard him leave, the screen door slapping behind him. Then she thought about what Dusty had said about love and trust and saying the hard things even when it’s easier to stay silent. The only thing harder than telling the truth was living a lie. It was time. Past time. And she didn’t have much of that left.
She had decided to go quietly and unobtrusively. It was what she had always done, only this time her motives weren’t so selfish. She meant to spare Luz from worrying about her or, worse, from trying to control and fix what was going on. Jessie knew Luz’s interference, however well-intentioned, could sabotage her plans for complete independence and sever forever the fragile ties that bound them together. There was only one more thing she needed to say. Silence was probably easier, but a stubborn part of her clung to the idea that the truth mattered. A lot.
She followed Ian outside. He was a good man who had been good to her sister for years, and Jessie was terrified of up setting the balance. She bolstered herself with Dusty’s words: I don’t see the conflict here.
“Ian.”
Gravel crunched and then he stopped walking. “Did I forget something?”
“No. I need to talk to you.”
“Sure.” He checked his watch. “I’ve got court this morning.”
“You’re going to want to let your associates handle it.”
“What do you mean? What’s wrong?”
Jessie pressed her hands on the hood of the car, feeling a faint heat from the rising sun. The days were rapidly getting shorter and cooler. “Things have been so hectic around here, but I think…we should talk about Lila.”
“Luz and I agree about telling her, Jessie. But we need to pick the right time.”
“I know you will. It’s not my call to make.” She smiled slightly, gratified by his startled reaction. “That was totally selfish of me, and I’m sorry for pushing it.” Do it, she urged herself, shuffling her feet. Don’t leave without saying what should have been said long ago. “I haven’t leveled with you, Ian. If you and Luz tell her, she’s going to want to know who her biological father is.”
Even before she said the next words, the color drained from his face. Despite the difficulty she was having with her vision, she could see his Adam’s apple slide up and down as realization sank in, then bolted through him like an electrical shock.
He let out a sound of rage mingled with wonder. “I’m her father.”
“You’ve always been her father. You’re her father by blood, too.”
His eyes watered. “Jesus, Jess. I asked you—”
“And I looked you in the eye and said no. But I can’t carry this around all by myself anymore. I’m tired, Ian. I’m sick of pretending. After the wreck, I started to think…you need to know. If not for medical reasons, then because it’s the truth. Something’s messing Lila up and she doesn’t know why. It might mess her up even more to tell her, Ian. But I don’t think so. She’s nearly grown. She should know who her biological father is. It’s you, Ian. I’m sorry I lied but I would do it again.”
“Damn it, why? You’ve held this in for years, Jess. Why speak up now?”
“Because I was too chicken to say anything before. I was afraid you and Luz would be ruined by knowing. You would have felt responsible for me, and Luz would have felt betrayed by us both. We might have done something stupid like get married. Things are different now. You and Luz are rock solid.”
“You think?” His color changed from shocked gray to dull red.
“Aren’t you?”
“Hell, how would I know? I work all the time, she’s always wrapped up in some project or other, or the kids. When we see each other, it’s to say ‘pass the salt’ or ‘put the clothes in the dryer.’” He mussed his hair. “We’re not bomb-proof. Something like this could—”
“You adore her. Anyone can see that. And you’ve always been the only one for her.”
She heard him lean heavily against the car. “Holy shit,” he said. Then his voice took on a sharp edge. “I can’t believe you kept this from me.”
“I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t. It’s the truth and you deserve to know. Whether or not you tell Luz is up to you. And then you and Luz should decide about telling Lila.”
“Yeah.” His shoulders sloped downward. He scratched his face as though a beard had sprouted there. “Yeah, okay. Luz needs to know.”
“Know what?” Luz crossed the driveway to them. She handed Ian a brown bag lunch and went up on tiptoe to kiss him. Then she caught the expression on his face and stepped back.
In the heartbeat of hesitation that followed, Jessie looked at her sister, perhaps for the last time before she altered her world. This was Luz as she would always remember her—slightly disheveled, her face as open as a daisy, her expression filled with strength and caring. There was a tiny run in her stocking, and she’d broken a nail. The images stained the moment with permanence.
Ian checked his watch again, then let out an unsteady breath. “I’m going to have to get someone to cover for me at work.”
“Just tell me.”
“Jessie and I were talking about the fact that…we knew each other in college, Luz.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.�
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“Before I met you, I dated your sister a few times.”
Luz’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding.”
“It didn’t work out,” Jessie said hastily. “It was nothing. We never gave it another thought. Then you started seeing him, and it was just…weird. So we didn’t say anything.”
“You’re saying something now.”
“We slept together,” Ian said, the words sounding wrenched from him. “It was a stupid thing, and then we parted ways. I never gave it another thought until Jess…”
The silence was filled with betrayal. In the distance, a mockingbird called from the maples.
“Oh, dear god. Lila,” said Luz, her face turning to stone.
Jessie nodded her head, waited.
“I swear, I never knew. Jess told me just now.” Ian took her hand, and when she didn’t pull away, he carried it to his lips and kissed it. “I love you, Luz.” Even Jessie could hear his heart in the words. “I always have.”
She took her hand back and walked around to the passenger side. “Get in the car, Ian.” Without waiting to see if he complied, Luz plunked herself into the passenger seat, staring straight ahead as she fastened her seat belt. “Drive.”
Tight-lipped, Ian got in and started the engine.
Before they drove off, Jessie motioned for Luz to roll down the window. Bending close to her sister, she studied her face, drawing the image into her heart. She said, “Luz, I’m so sorry.”
“Your timing sucks.”
Jessie wanted to explain that she couldn’t wait any longer, but that would lead to more questions, so she simply said, “I know.”
Luz was aware of Ian beside her, the farm and ranch report crackling from the AM radio, the empty highway snaking between the dusty, sunlit hills. And yet she felt as though she stood apart from the familiar world, thrown there by Jessie’s revelation. She had taken a direct hit, and she was in shock, as though the victim of a physical assault. Although she heard Ian speaking as he drove, she couldn’t focus on his words.
Then they rounded a bend in the road, and morning sunshine glared straight into her eyes. A moment later, anger thrust itself into her cocoon of numbness. The bottom was falling out of her life, and she felt powerless to fix it. The steady simmer of anger seethed through her like slow poison, waking her up to the fact that everything important to her was suddenly in jeopardy.
