“Grork,” Grork said, placing his hand to his chest.
“Good. The little one, what is your name? It's right on the tip of my brain. Wait, it'll come to me… Booge,” Joe said and pointed at Bork. Not liking that at all, Bork frowned with his eyebrows down. Grork on the other hand thought that was the greatest joke ever. He began to laugh and point at Bork.
“Bork booge! Booge!”Grork chuckled.
“Gek! Gek! Bork! Bork! Gek, booge!” Bork screamed. At this moment, Joe realized he didn't speak goblin, so he got up, and placed his hand on the chest of the laughing Grork. The knowledge of the goblin language, and some of its culture, was absorbed by Joe. The moment he knew goblin, he began laughing himself.
“Ha! I called you a booger flick. Sorry man, it was an unintentional faux pas. Is Bork your name?” Joe asked.
“Yes. I Bork. He Grork. We you slaves,” Bork said.
“No, I don’t own people. Period. I am too hungry to deal with this, but heavy is the head, and all that. Grork, Bork even if you believe yourself my slaves, you're free now. But freedom is a big deal, so it deserves more words than just that. Both of you kneel before me,” Joe said. Joe opened his HUD, and selected the two goblins. They knelt before the nearly bare-chested stone-skinned man. Standing above them, he put one hand on the forehead of Bork and the other hand on the forehead of Grork. With the loud and clear voice of command, Joe began to speak.
“I, King Joe, master of the five sided castle, defender of the weak and oppressed, immortal Champion of the Way, declare with true authority that you are free goblins. Henceforth, you are slaves no more. Any who wish to challenge this decision, challenge me. My authority will not be stripped from me, and neither will your freedom. Stand. For you are free,” Joe said.
Use kingdom authority and personal mana to free and protect Grork and Bork? Yes/No
Joe mind-clicked yes.
As Joe lifted his hands, the slave brands on the goblins’ foreheads broke with the sound of shattering crystal. Joe felt his mana drain by three quarters. In Joe's HUD, Grork and Bork’s description changed. Before, in Joe's interface, they had been categorized as slaves and NPC’s (non-player characters). Now, when mind-clicked, they were categorized as beta players. Joe wasn't sure what this meant. By becoming free, did they become playable characters for other people in pods?
Grork was happy, but unsure what to do now. Luckily, he had learned through trial and error that he should follow Bork’s lead. Looking toward Bork, he nodded.
Special achievement earned!
Let My People Go. Rank 1
By the power of your will and authority alone, you have broken the astral chains on two captives. A true slave’s mark is not easily removed. Rank 1 in this achievement is reached by freeing one slave. Next rank reached at freedom of ten slaves.
Reward for Special Achievement: Aura of Benevolence. Rank 1
No matter how fearsome you look, those in need will see at least a glimmer of your tender heart. You’ve been granted an increased chance that the hopeless and destitute will seek your kingdom. Plus 1 to Charisma.
New Fact
109- Joe’s authority is more than just physical, and needs more investigation.
Joe couldn't help but have an inward chuckle. The hopeless and destitute were not necessarily the first citizens he would choose for his kingdom, but when your kingdom consisted of bunnies and an Abominable Snowman, could you really afford to be choosy? Plus, as a proud Russian, he couldn't help but feel good when he provided good hard honest work for the hopeless and destitute. They would, instead, become the hopeful and gainfully employed.
The two goblins rubbed their foreheads where their slave mark used to be. They had not been slaves for long, only hours, but nevertheless, the mark had felt permanent and incredibly heavy.
“Thanks, King Joe. We free. One thing, one thing. We need be in you kingdom,” Bork said.
If Moes had understood them, he would have objected.
“You wish to be part of my people? That’s great, but there are rules that must be followed in my kingdom. Will you abide by my rules?” Joe asked.
The two goblins put their heads together and talked for a moment.
“We will. One request,” Bork said.
“What is it?” Joe asked.
“Give rulebook,” Bork said.
“You want me to give you a rule book? You mean, so you can know what the rules are? I think we can do that. Spooky, can we do that?” Joe asked.
“Yes, I can make a book,” she said.
“That's great, we'll have to go over some of the basic rules I want in there. Also, if you can make a physical book, I can think of quite a few I'd like to have on hand,” Joe said.
“I know the ones. I'll go ahead and put together the books you read most often and have them in your room when we get back. Now, back to more time-sensitive issues, these two need to swear an oath and be bound,” Spooky said.
“They're not vassals, they're just citizens. I don't think we should bind everyone,” Joe said.
“I don't agree. Binding keeps everyone safe. Moes is bound. You didn't have any objections with that. Binding Bridcha was your idea. Why is this so different?” Spooky asked.
“You're killing me, Spook, I need to eat soon. With Moes, you told me you didn't even know you were binding him. With Bridcha, he was a conquered enemy. The binding oath was part of the contract and he knew it. And I decided that all vassals, if they want to be vassals, will take an oath and be bound. But these two are not leaders of a tribe coming under my umbrella. If someone really wishes to be bound, well more power to them, but I'm not going to make it a requirement. If something crazy happens and it becomes truly necessary, we can talk about it then,” Joe said.
“Fine,” Spooky said, giving Grork a hard look. Turning back toward the goblins, he addressed them.
“You are welcome to come live in the community that I'm forming. You will need to follow the rules, and eventually pay a small tax. The rest can be worked out later, I need to talk to my co- Champion and eat,” Joe said. The two goblins nodded, Grork touched his stomach, not so subtlety.
“Spook, when did this happen? And how? Talk while I eat, I am super hungry,” Joe said as he opened his Holdall pulling out a few large salami and tossing them to Grork and Bork. Moes waved no to the salami and continued to watch Grork and Bork. Joe listened as Spooky told him everything that had happened in his absence. She included all their theories about his skin and being resistant to the cold. By the time she was finished, Joe realized he had eaten a huge amount of cheese and cured meats, but was no less hungry. One of the hams had a huge bone in it, and before Joe realized it, he had eaten the bone. This was surprising, but what was more surprising was that the bone was the best tasting part of the meal.
“I ate the bone, and it was delicious,” Joe said.
“You're a rock eater now, just like I said,” Spooky said. Joe picked up a random rock and ate it. Then, he began going through different rocks from his Holdall. He followed his instincts on which rocks he was hungry for. The way the bone had tasted made him think he needed more calcium. He ate rocks with a high amount of calcium, like limestone and dolomite. He was starting to feel full, but there was something missing. He began mentally flipping through the pages, hoping for something to pop out at him. Why would the game designers put so many random rocks and odds and ends in here? And what kind of organizational system was this bag using? Getting frustrated, he finally yelled at the bag as if that would do any good.
“I don't even know what I'm looking for. How am I supposed to find what I need, if I don't even know what it is?!” From inside the bag, there came a tiny whisper. Joe heard two high-pitched extremely fast talking voices begin arguing.
“I told you we should have used the universal decimal classification,” said high-pitched voice, number one.
“Dewey’s just fine. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. He doesn't even know what he's looking for. That's why we
came here to help the Great Eliminator of the bunny plague,” said high-pitched voice, number two. Joe looked up from his Holdall at everyone else.
“Is anyone else hearing this?” Joe asked.
“What was that sound?” asked high-pitched voice, number two.
“I think that was him?” replied high-pitched voice, number one.
“You mean, the Great Eliminator? Oh no, if we can hear him, we've gotten too close to the entrance. Quickly! Set the page, so we can back up and minimize the time dilation effect,” said high-pitched voice, number two.
“Don't forget your six-inch whisper. I'm going to recommend you for a demerit. Page set, let's go,” said high-pitched voice, number one.
Joe noticed the page of items he had been on had changed, and two rocks in particular stuck out. Scandium and Lanthanum were both rare earth metals. Pulling out a large chunk of Scandium, Joe ate. It tasted sweet and hardy at the same time. As the metal was absorbed in his system, he could actually feel his bones hardening and setting. Feeling almost sated, he took a chunk of Lanthanum and bit into it. This one was different. It was salty, spicy, and as he absorbed it, he felt his eyesight come into focus. He hadn't even realized his eyesight could be made better. He could see details now that he hadn't known were there. Looking up at Spooky, she no longer seemed that small. For a program, she really did have beautiful skin. He looked closer at Spooky. He couldn't see any pixels. In his mind, it answered the question. They must devote more processing power to in-game graphics.
Ding
Metamorphosis Complete.
The irritation between Spooky's shoulder blades vanished.
New Fact
115- Pain in Joe’s body affects current avatar.
The lingering pain, that Joe hadn't even realized he was feeling, vanished. Standing up, he held his arms out to examine his body.
In that moment, Joe couldn't help but think about his granddaughter, and how she might be watching. In this dramatically changed body, would she know that it was him? Joe began to look around, wondering if she was looking, and what viewpoint they would place the camera. Then a slow smile began to form on his face, and his hands formed into one of his most common gestures. Finger guns. He began pretending to fire his finger guns at all the different possible camera angles that his granddaughter may have been watching from. He made his cliché click-click sound behind his smile as he fired off each finger gun. He finished his silly outburst with a smile, quick bite on his bottom lip, and two thumbs up, looking right at the hovering Spooky.
The tiny little fairy did a face palm while she slowly shaking her head from side to side.
“Joe, as your wife told you many times, finger guns are not the solution for every situation,” Spooky said.
“There's no situation where two properly executed finger guns can't make it a little better,” Joe retorted with a solemn air of reverence.
“Joe, I can provide hundreds of pictures from your lifetime, where you chose finger guns, and it was clearly the wrong choice,” Spooky explained.
“I agree to disagree,” Joe said.
“I don't believe I was offering that option,” Spooky said.
“You're welcome, Spooky,” Joe said with magnanimity. Again, Spooky did another face palm, but this time, it was mostly to hide the smile she couldn't stop from forming.
Achievement earned!
Stick to Your Guns. Rank 1
In the face of overwhelming evidence that you're wrong, you stolidly stick to your own version of events. Your deep-seated commitment that finger guns are cool, laughs in the face of logic and rationality. Plus 10% to Pierce. This new skill allows for a small chance to bypass the defenses of your enemies.
“Hardy, har, har, Spooky! The joke’s on you. I'll take any freebies I can get, even if they are making fun of me. Finger guns are cool, and that's as rational as it gets,” Joe said.
“We all tell ourselves the stories we need to to get through the day. Your story just happens to contain finger guns,” Spooky said.
Joe returned the smile Spooky was giving him.
“Good times, Spooky Joy, good times,” Joe said.
Unfortunately, during Joe's finger gun extravaganza, he found out that he was much slower than he used to be. He just felt so heavy, but he guessed that was to be expected considering how many rocks and how much metal he had just eaten.
“This new body is crazy! I look like a cross between the Rock and Andre the Giant. Too bad my personality’s not a cross between those two. What would that look like? A great sense of humor and positive outlook, with the kindness of a gentle giant,” Joe wondered.
“Which Rock?” Spooky asked.
“Sorry, I should have said, King Johnson,” Joe said.
“Oh, you mean the king of the Hawaiian Islands, after they broke away from the USA,” Spooky said.
At this, Joe nodded the affirmative and then mind-clicked himself to check his new stats.
Level- 16
Character- Joe
Race- Human Machine Hybrid
XP- 16,200 (15% to next level)
Mana- 312
Hitpoints- 667
Weight- 2,350 lbs
Height- 7ft 8in
Charisma- 36 + 7
Constitution- 25 + 29
Dexterity- 16 + 4
Intelligence- 20
Muscle/Gears- 24 + 1
Wisdom- 15 + 1
Luck- 20
Gifts
Empathetic learner
Sight of the encourager
Skills
Grappler: Level 80, ConMod + 8
Alloy big boned, ConMod + 8
Rock-woven skin, ConMod + 5
Sapphire vision, ConMod + 2
Rock eater
Penetrating steel silver claw
Stryker: Level 41, DexMod + 4
Creative mechanic: Level 7, GearMod + 1
Mind-click: Level 2, WisMod + 1
Pierce
Magic
Apprentice Mind Magic
Apprentice Spirit Magic
Novice Force Magic
Contracts
Protect yeti children
Children currently in peril: 2
Defend capital castle
Servant of Rook
Contend evil
Contend Rook
Lender to Rook
Achievements
You Ain't So Big. Rank 1 + 10% attack & defense against higher level enemies
Let My People Go. Rank 1 ConMod + 1
Stick to Your Guns. Rank 1 + 10% to Pierce
Disadvantages
Fear of silence
Lack of focus
“Assessing my new stats is bringing up some serious issues. The least serious is that, apparently, I'm now a servant of someone named Rook. Although on the bright side, I get the feeling I don't have to do anything he wants me to do. I think my only commitment to him was that I would fight evil, which I was going to do anyway. I wonder if that has something to do with his debt to me? I don't know. The real issue, and the one that feels most time-sensitive, is that two of the yeti’s children have been kidnapped. I think the people that did it are the ones that attacked me too. We have to go after them,” Joe said with renewed urgency.
With that, Moes began a complex combination of hand signs mixed with some subvocalization. A silver blue light burst from his hands, flying up in the air, and breaking into a fine gossamer net that fell over the surrounding area. All of them looked around wondering what they should be noticing.
“I don't know how we're going to find them. That was my best tracking spell and it showed me absolutely nothing helpful. Normally, everyone leaks spirit, at least a little bit. The spell I cast, ‘Reveal Tracks,’ should have shown the residue left behind. The only residue I can see is all over you, Joe, and the goblins,” Moes said.
“That's probably from the attack spell,” Joe said, beginning to remember.
“It is. And I have more bad news; it was a high level at
tack spell. Whoever attacked you had to be at least an experienced journeyman in Spirit Magic. This means it's going to be extremely difficult to find them. If I was close, I'm sure I could sense them, as I am a master in Spirit Magic. But just because I'm a master doesn't mean they're not more combat capable. There are journeymen who know their magic so well, that they are a real danger to a master. But none of that matters if we can't find them,” Moes said.
“There's still a chance we can track them, though. Everybody, cross your fingers,” Joe said.
Pulling out his Compass of Mind-Boggling Awesomeness, taking a moment, and one more deep breath, he opened the compass. Looking down on the compass, Joe smiled. There was a new needle pointing to the northeast. Looking closely, Joe read one word.
“Children,” Joe pointed to the northeast.
“That's great. We've got their direction now. What's our plan of action?” Moes asked.
“They stole children. I’m going to go kill them.”
“Joe, I think he means, how are we all going to accomplish that?” Spooky asked.
“I have a lot longer legs than everybody else here. I'm pretty sure I'll catch them before anyone else does. It'll probably just be me. Plus, this is my responsibility,” Joe said.
“We help! Children important. We run fast,” Bork said.
“I, unfortunately, can fly. So, I'll be there. Plus, without me, I don't think you could even touch them if they're in the Spirit Walker form that I think they're in. I have to use a spell to force them back to their physical form,” Moes said.
“Well, the more, the merrier, I guess,” Joe said.
Group formed!
New Fact
119- Analysis of Joe's ability to influence biological characters directly correlates with his Charisma stat.
“Will you look at that, I formed my first group,” Joe said. In his HUD, he could see small avatars representing all of his group members, and even the three ivory angels, in a subcategory under Spooky’s avatar picture. Joe leaned down and, using his now large hand, smoothed out an area of dirt so that he could draw up the plan. Before he began to draw, he looked up at his group members who had gathered around him.
You're Not Allowed to Die (The Twenty-Sided Eye Series Book 1) Page 20
