And something made her say it. Made her kick her pride into touch and have the courage to declare what she’d known for a long time now. Couldn’t she give him something, too? Not money, but something much more precious.
Hope.
‘Okay, I’ll take it. And I want you to know that I am very grateful to you for your...generosity, in all its many forms.’ She sucked in a lungful of air but her next words still came out in a breathless rush, full of nerves and apprehension.
‘But you should know something else, too, and that is that I’ve grown to love you, Luis. And I’m sorry about that, because I know it’s the last thing you ever wanted. I didn’t want to fall in love with you, but, somewhere along the way, I did. And I’m not saying it because I want anything in return, because I don’t. I don’t expect anything. I’m saying it because, deep down, you are loveable. And you need to believe that. It’s not because you’re sexy, or rich and not because you have a whole roomful of silver trophies and can fly a plane. You are loveable because you can be a very kind and thoughtful man, when you let yourself be. And maybe one day you might start believing in that enough to open your heart and let someone in.’
Her words died out to the sound of silence. There wasn’t a flicker of response from the rigid figure who stood in front of her, though she thought she saw something flare briefly in the depths of those empty black eyes. But then it was gone, and he smiled. That easy, charming smile he could turn on like a tap, a smile which was as cool and as transparent as water itself.
‘Interesting hypothesis,’ he said, in a voice which sounded faintly bored. ‘But you know that I’m not really interested in the emotional stuff you women are so fond of spouting. All I will say, for what it’s worth, is that I think you’re going to be a brilliant doctor.’
Carly stared at him. He had completely ignored what she’d just said. Had treated her words with contempt. Of course he had. Why should she be surprised when he was just being true to himself? He didn’t do that emotional stuff and he never would. He’d told her that all along.
And it was that which made her quickly turn and walk towards her room, before she added to her humiliation by letting him see her cry.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
LUIS STARED OUT of the window, without really seeing the sombre grey of the November day. Why was he feeling like this? As if there were some heavy weight on his shoulders which was perpetually weighing him down? As if there were something gnawing away inside him, which he couldn’t work out how to fix. And that didn’t make sense. Especially since he’d kept so busy after putting Carly on a plane back to London and saying goodbye to her.
He had left the Côte d’Azur and travelled to New York, where he’d hired a personal trainer before getting straight back behind the wheel and winning a charity race in Brazil. He remembered staring at the gleaming trophy and thinking it would have been around the same time that Carly was starting at med school in England. And he couldn’t shake off his feeling of disappointment that she hadn’t bothered to contact him to say well done.
He knew their relationship was over—he was the one who had ended it, wasn’t he?—but the race had been big news internationally, and hadn’t he expected some kind of acknowledgement? If not exactly praise, then surely something. Perhaps a faintly mocking communication noting that he still seemed hooked on danger, but congratulating him on winning the race, all the same.
But there was nothing.
Not a phone call. Not a postcard.
Nothing.
Never had a silence seemed quite so deafening.
He remembered feeling disbelief, closely followed by a slow and simmering anger. After all he’d done for her she didn’t even have the generosity of spirit to say well done.
He had buried himself in his work, throwing himself into every new task with the enthusiasm of someone who was just starting out in the cut-throat world of business.
But something inside him had altered. Something he hadn’t expected. He found himself looking at things differently. He started making changes he suspected had been a long time coming. He sold two of his houses and a whole heap of office space in Manhattan. He realised that he preferred life without all the hangers-on and so he reduced the size of his entourage, and told Diego so. A Diego who kept looking at him from between narrowed eyes and asking was he sure he was okay?
Was he okay? Luis had felt his mouth harden in response to the question. Of course he was. Physically, he’d never felt better. His brush with death had made him look at the world with a sharper focus. His senses felt raw and heightened. In many ways, he had never been so grateful just to be alive.
Yet all he could think about was Carly. Carly lying naked in his arms, with her hair spread over his chest, talking in that soft, sweet way she had. Carly running her finger along his jaw and teasing him. Carly sending him a silent glance, which would make him think about something in a way he hadn’t thought about it before.
He tried going to parties to get her out of his head, and there were plenty of parties. Slick, pared-down affairs in minimalist New York loft spaces or wild, pool-side extravaganzas held outside the city.
Trouble was that he couldn’t look at a swimming pool without thinking about her.
He couldn’t look at a damned bed without thinking about her.
He would find himself standing motionless while some impossibly glamorous woman came onto him in a way which made his stomach crawl. And that was when he started to get worried.
He tried looking at the situation logically. He was only fantasising about her because she’d been like no other lover he’d ever had. Because she had walked away without a backward glance and seemed happy to leave it that way.
Yet she’d been part of his life for a long time, way before they’d become lovers. He told himself he was interested to see how her ambition was playing out—hell, didn’t he have some sort of right to know?
And now he was back in England on the second round of interviews for a new housekeeper to replace her and it was proving harder than he’d imagined. The first stream of women he’d seen had been hopeless, even though they’d all been eager for the job. But there was something wrong with each and every one of them. Too flirty, or too unimaginative. Several had been no good at cooking and one even had a criminal record she’d tried to conceal. He had rejected them all and demanded that Diego find him someone more suitable.
He looked down at the list of ‘more suitable’ candidates in front of him. On paper some looked promising, but his heart wasn’t in it. He thought how long it had been since he’d eaten a decent alfajor. How long since he’d played poker. Or had sex. How long since he’d been made to laugh, or argue or defend himself in the presence of a sharp and amusing mind.
And that was when it hit him, harder than an opponent’s wheel flying off during a practice lap.
He didn’t want a housekeeper. He didn’t want someone to replace Carly, because she was irreplaceable. He wanted... He closed his eyes. He knew what he wanted but it was a big ask. Too big an ask, surely, after what he had done. He flinched as he remembered the way she had looked at him, with that hesitant expression on her face. How she must have met nothing but coldness in his eyes in return. But that hadn’t stopped her, had it? She had taken a deep breath and told him she loved him—even though it must have taken an almighty leap of courage and faith to do so. She had hung on in there and said what she needed to say. She had conquered her own insecurity and told him that he was a loveable man. She had done that because she thought he needed to know. And how had he reacted? He had treated her declaration with contempt and acted as if she’d said nothing at all.
He shook his head as the door opened and he saw Diego’s swarthy features set in a questioning look.
‘Shall I show in the first applicant, boss?’
But Luis was already rising to his feet and shaking his head.
‘No,’ he said fiercely as a powerful sense of resolve washed over him. ‘Forget the interview
s.’
‘But—’
‘I said, forget them. I have something I need to do.’ His heart was pounding as he slid his phone into his pocket and reached for his jacket. ‘Somewhere I need to go.’
He drove down to Southampton in his bright red car, only just staying inside the speed limit. The sky was low and the air filled with drizzle and, even though it was only late morning, all the cars on the motorway had their headlights turned on so that shafts of golden light cut through the sombre greyness.
The medical school was situated in a green swathe of land on the edge of the city and it was nearly lunchtime by the time Luis finally parked up. He turned up the collar of his leather coat as hordes of students streamed past him and as he looked into all the unknown faces he wondered why the hell he hadn’t bothered to call her first.
You know why you haven’t called her.
Because she might just have told you to go to hell, and you just might have deserved it.
He made his way to some reception office and saw the girl behind the desk turn very pink when he asked where he might find a first-year student called Carly Conner.
‘We’re...we’re not really allowed to give out that sort of information,’ she stumbled.
He leaned over the desk and used a smile which had never failed him. ‘Do you think your medical school would like a substantial donation?’
She nodded.
‘Then why don’t you tell me where I might find Carly Conner?’
He was informed that the first-year medical students were on their way to lunch and the girl hadn’t finished giving him directions before he was weaving across some courtyard towards a cafeteria, which was packed with crowds of students.
And that was when he saw her.
At first he almost didn’t recognise her, because she looked different. As if she belonged. She was laughing and talking to a small nucleus of people, a bag loaded with books slung over her shoulder.
He felt the clench of his heart as he stood stock-still and watched her and maybe somebody noticed him because suddenly heads were turning in his direction. Across the crowded courtyard he saw the colour drain from Carly’s face as she looked up and met his gaze.
She didn’t move and, at first, neither did he. He felt as if the blood had frozen in his veins and he would be stuck to that spot for ever. And then he began walking towards her, his legs feeling heavy and wooden and somehow disassociated from him.
The students with her had formed themselves into a protective semicircle and Luis automatically picked out some young Adonis with hair like buttered corn and eyes of startling blue, who seemed to be unconsciously squaring up his shoulders as Luis approached.
She tilted her chin as he got closer and now he could see why she looked so different. She had changed in ways which were both subtle yet startling. Her hair was still long, but now it was weaved into a complex plait which hung down over one shoulder. And she was wearing make-up. Luis swallowed. Not much, just a lick of mascara and a slick of something which was making her lips gleam. She looked...amazing.
In her jeans and short jacket she somehow managed to fade into the crowd and yet to stand out from it. And instantly, he understood why she had refused to take the expensive clothes he’d bought her, for she would have no use for them here, in her new life. His heart clenched as he thought of the yellow and white spotted dress still hanging in the wardrobe of his French home. Of the space beside him in a bed which had never seemed empty before she had gone and left it.
‘Hello, Carly,’ he said.
Her expression was wary as she looked at him. She didn’t look exactly overjoyed. In fact, that was an understatement. Her face had grown pale and tight and her eyes were cool.
‘I’m not going to ask why you’re here,’ she said in a low voice. ‘Because obviously you’ve decided you wanted to see me, but you really might have given me some warning, Luis.’
He was not expecting a reprimand and for a moment he was...shocked. He thought how any other woman would have hurled herself into his arms and the slight deflation he felt was almost certainly something to do with his ego. And mightn’t that be a good thing? he questioned with a self-awareness which suddenly made him feel uncomfortable.
‘I thought that if I’d warned you, you might have refused to see me,’ he said, his gaze training hard on her face. ‘Would you?’
She shrugged as if she didn’t really care. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You need any help, Carl?’
The Adonis had stepped forward and Luis held onto his temper with difficulty as Carly shook her head again.
‘No, I’m fine,’ she said.
‘I need to speak to you, Carly,’ said Luis softly, flicking a dismissive glance towards the youth. ‘In private.’
For a moment she hesitated. He saw emotions he didn’t recognise, and some he did, crossing those iced-tea eyes, before she looked down at her watch.
‘I’ve got half an hour before my next lecture, so you’ll have to be quick.’
‘I thought you were never on time.’
‘That was in the old days. I’ve changed.’ Defiantly, she met his eyes. ‘We can walk in the grounds. Come with me.’
He was barely aware of the total silence which suddenly descended on the courtyard, or the excited chatter which rose up before they were barely out of earshot. The grass was sodden beneath their feet as they left the courtyard and the bare branches of the trees were etched in forbidding lines against the low sky.
‘What are you doing here, Luis?’ Her breath was like a cloud of smoke as it billowed out into the cold air.
He swallowed. He hadn’t really planned what he was going to say because hadn’t some cynical side of his nature wondered whether this might just turn out to be a form of catharsis. That he would take one look at her and wonder what all the fuss had been about. Why he’d been unable to sleep or to think of anything much which didn’t involve Carly Conner with her clever mind and soft body and that way of prising out secrets he’d locked away from everyone else.
But it wasn’t turning out that way. It was as he had suspected all along. His heart was tight in his chest, as if an iron band were squeezing all the blood out of it, and his pulse was racing with a feeling which felt like excitement and exultation and apprehension all rolled into one. He’d experienced something like it when he’d been waiting on the starting line at the notoriously tough twenty-four-hour race at Le Mans, or any of the other myriad dangerous racetracks he’d tackled during his race career, but nothing like this. Nothing like this.
He stared into eyes as cold as chips of ice and suddenly it all came spilling out from a place deep inside him. ‘I love you,’ he said simply and waited for her reaction as he repeated the words in a voice he’d never heard himself use before. ‘I love you, Carly Conner.’
Carly shook her head and her hands clenched into tight fists. She wished she hadn’t forgotten her gloves because then she could have avoided her fingernails digging into her flesh like this. But the sharp pain helped her focus on her anger, and anger was the safest thing she had to hang onto right then. She glared at him. How dared he do this? How dared he come here and disrupt the life which she was building for herself—day by day? How dared he, by coming out with something he probably didn’t mean, undo all her good work of trying to forget him? How dared he come here and try to break her heart all over again?
‘You don’t “do” love,’ she snapped. ‘Remember? It’s top of your list of requirements for lovers—that they won’t dare to expect anything like that from you. No wedding bells or clouds of confetti for you. Your words, Luis. And I don’t have time for meaningless declarations. If you’re missing sex then f-find someone else. That shouldn’t be a problem for someone like you.’
She made to walk away but his hand reached out and caught her arm and she wanted to shake him off, but she couldn’t. How could he do that? she wondered desperately. How would her physiology lecturer explain it? How could just one touch
from a man make you defy all your instincts? Send your pulse rocketing and fill your mind with thoughts you were intent on not having...
‘You’re right. I didn’t do love,’ he agreed, still holding onto her arm. ‘Because it has never happened to me before. I never thought it could. I’d only ever seen love as a negative. As dark and destructive. As full of pain and lies and betrayal. I didn’t realise that it could make you feel a part of something bigger than yourself. Could make you feel as if you were really alive. And you showed me that, Carly. You showed me that like nobody else ever could.’
‘Stop it,’ she whispered. ‘Please, Luis. Just go away.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m not going anywhere until you’ve heard what I’ve got to say. I miss you more than any words can say. Nothing seems to make sense without you there, and I was a fool to let you go.’
‘You didn’t let me go,’ she said. ‘You pushed me away. You know you did.’
‘Yes, I did,’ he said heavily. ‘I hold my hands up to that. So maybe it follows that I don’t deserve your love, Carly. That I shouldn’t be given a second chance, because I threw it all back in your face.’ He swallowed. ‘So if you tell me that you no longer love me and that you don’t want me in your life, then I’ll turn around and walk away from here and I will never bother you again. I give you my word on that.’
She stared at him and sucked in a deep breath. ‘I don’t love you.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘You arrogant bastard.’
‘If you didn’t love me, then you wouldn’t be looking at me like that. Your eyes wouldn’t be asking me to hold you properly, nor your lips parting because you want me to kiss them.’
‘Luis—’
‘And I want that too, querida. So much. I want to kiss you and never stop.’
She stared at him and her mouth was trembling but not nearly as much as his hands as he reached out to pull her into his arms. ‘Answer me honestly, that’s all I ask. Do you still love me, Carly Conner?’ he growled. ‘Will you marry me and have my babies?’
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