by Kat Baxter
“You still want a baby?” he asked.
My heart squeezed and I closed my eyes, wishing it wasn’t true. “Yes. More than anything.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I need to be honest with you.”
My heart pounded and I scraped my hands over my jeans. I wasn’t ready for whatever admission he was about to make. Was he going to tell me he was relieved because sex with me had been a chore? That he didn’t want the added responsibility and commitment a baby would bring? That he’d changed his mind and didn’t want to stay married so I could use his insurance?
He released a low breath. “The truth is, Ally, I’m in love you. I’ve always loved you. Always wanted you. But you picked Brandon so I never said anything. Then after that shitstorm, I knew you’d never be willing to give me a chance. Not a real chance, at least. And I was right.” He raked his fingers through his hair, all of those rich brown waves went askew.
My stomach rolled with a wave of nausea. He was going to make this to be my fault? I don’t think so. “You can’t just spring that on me. Besides, there’s no way that’s remotely true. What about all the other women? If you’ve always been in love with me, how do you explain them?”
He leaned forward, closing the distance between us. “One,” he held up a finger, “I was trying to get over you. And Two,” another finger, “I’m not a fucking monk.”
I ignored my pounding heart. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to believe him. He was deluding himself. I shook my head. “But your type. All the women you dated were my opposite in every way.”
“That’s because the one time I dated a girl who looked like you, I called out your name at a crucial moment.”
He’d called my name out in bed with another woman. I hated that the thought of that gave me such intense pleasure.
“From then on it was leggy blondes,” he continued, “because I couldn’t confuse them with you. I’ve tried to love other women. I’ve tried to fuck you out of my system. Nothing changes.” He gripped my biceps and searched my face. “Damn, Ally, I’ve been in this marriage, committed to it, to you, to us, from the very beginning. But you, you only want a baby. I thought it would be enough for me. That I’d get a piece of you and it would be enough. But I’m not sure I can.”
Another wave of nausea. “So what are you saying?” I asked, not knowing what I wanted him to say next. It felt like I was trying to grab handfuls of water, nothing was staying where it was supposed to be.
“I don’t know.” He leaned down and kissed me.
It was such a tender kiss that tears sprang to my eyes.
He released a tight breath. “Look, I’ve got to go on an emergency business trip. Jackson was supposed to go but he can’t now, so it’s down to me.” He came to his feet. “We can figure things out when I’m back.”
Chapter 19
Cooper was gone.
Not permanently, but for a couple of days on a business trip that I felt sure wasn’t necessary for him to take. He’d left to get away from me. Things were strained between us. We’d never had a fight, even when things blew up with Brandon, I’d taken the easy route and just stopped talking to him.
My motives had been good, I’d thought. Those guys had been friends long before I’d come into their lives and just like with all my other relationships, I’d ruined them. So I’d backed off to give them time to repair their bond.
I pulled the clothes out of the dryer and brought the basket into the living room to fold. I didn’t know what to do with Cooper’s admission he was in love with me. It didn’t make any sense. Surely, if that were true, he would’ve said something in the near two decades we’d been friends. Surely, I would have noticed.
He just had sex brain. It happened. Made people believe they were in love when really it was just lust clouding their thinking. It was all the feel-good hormones being released. He’d realize that eventually when the newness wore off. Then where would I be? By then I’d definitely be in love with him; I was so damn close already.
I folded the clothes on auto-pilot, separating as I went. His socks, my cotton panties (period panties as I not-so-fondly called them), his T-shirts, my yoga pants. The light caught on my wedding ring and winked at me. I stared down at my hand and that beautiful ring that he’d picked special for me. That thoughtfulness had more to do with Cooper than any feelings he might have for me. He was just a good guy.
I knew from experience though romantic relationships didn’t work—at least not for me. Friendships, though, friendships endured. I couldn’t afford to lose Cooper’s friendship on the off chance we’d make it as a couple. I couldn’t take that risk knowing I wasn’t enough to keep his love in the long run.
And maybe adding a child into the mix would ruin everything. Maybe I should consider Chef Henri’s offer. I hated the idea of closing the bakery though. There might be a way we could work something out where the bakery was a satellite company of The Montgomery and I could provide all their baked goods. I could keep my pride and joy and possibly get my own insurance. They’d provide the capital to pay for extra staff and I could have the best of both worlds.
Then I wouldn’t need anything from Cooper except his friendship. Things could go back to normal.
Just like separating our clothes, nothing had to be permanent. We could untangle this mess. Get an annulment, I could move out and I could have a baby on my own terms without destroying the most important relationship in my life.
I hated everything about Chattanooga.
It was foggy and mountains were everywhere you looked—I felt closed in, claustrophobic. I missed the open spaces of Texas. Mostly though, I just missed Ally.
We’d never fought like this. If you could call what happened before I left a fight. I’d poured my heart out to her and she’d questioned me like I was either lying or crazy. It was evident that she didn’t feel the same way and it fucking hurt.
Now that’d I’d had all of her, seen every complicated and passionate facet of her, it was like a running faucet I couldn’t turn off. I didn’t know how to go back to loving her in secret. Still, I didn’t know if I could live without her in my life in some capacity.
If she didn’t love me back, I’d get over it. Eventually. I needed to figure out a way to make things platonic between us, and be okay with all of that.
Maybe I needed to give other women a chance again. Not just for fucking, but a real relationship. Maybe now that I’d considered having a wife and a child, I could make it work with someone else.
Nothing about that notion felt remotely right. Of course none of that could happen while Ally and I were married.
I rolled over in bed and stared at my phone screen, willing her to text me or something. So far she hadn’t responded to any of my texts. I knew I needed to get up and shower and get ready for my meeting that morning, but fuck, I missed my girl. I missed my wife.
Wife.
I hit the circle picture of her smiling face on my phone and let it ring. And ring. And ring.
“You’ve reached Ally, I’m probably elbow deep in some kind of dough, Do your thing at the beep and I’ll call you later.”
I didn’t bother leaving a voicemail. She’d see my missed call, along with all of the ignored texts.
My heart tightened. What if I’d already lost her?
Chapter 20
“Thanks for meeting with me on such short notice, Chef, I really appreciate it,” I told Chef Henri as I took a seat. The restaurant was empty, since they were closed on Tuesdays.
The handsome man across from me was dressed in street clothes, not the sleek chef’s coat he’d worn the other morning. “Of course,” he said, his accent light and pleasant. “I very much meant my offer the other morning. I am pleased to see you are entertaining it.” He slid a folder across the table. “Here are the details on the benefits package you requested. The salary offer is in there as well.”
I opened the folder and nearly swallowed my tongue when I saw the number. I slammed the folde
r shut and met the man’s dark eyes.
He smiled warmly. “I think you’ll agree the offer is quite generous. Mr. Montgomery wants to keep me happy and having you as my executive pastry chef would definitely make me happy.”
“You flatter me, Chef. I’ll need to review all of this,” I patted the folder, desperately wondering about the insurance benefits, “before I can make a decision. But I also wanted to propose an alternative juncture with you. I’m hesitant to close my bakery.”
“Understandable.” He nodded once. “It is a sweet little shoppe.”
“Yes, well, all of my savings went into building it and while it might not be successful by some standards, I haven’t been in the red since the first six months of opening. And it’s all mine.” The only thing that had ever been all mine. “I wonder if there’s a way for me to be a Montgomery employee while still holding on to my bakery. I would, of course, provide you with all of the baked goods you need. But it would enable me to keep my bakery open for business.”
I further explained my idea about the satellite option. He nodded, listening attentively once I was finished, he frowned. “That would be a lot of work on you, no?”
I chuckled. “Probably. I’d likely need to hire additional staff. It is just something I want you to consider. Discuss it with Mr. Montgomery and perhaps we can come to an agreement. In the meantime I can review all of this material and get back to you?”
“Yes, of course.” He nodded towards the bakery box to my left. “Is that for me?” he asked with a devilish grin.
My stomach jumped at his thinly veiled enthusiasm. People enjoying my food was my catnip. I smiled broadly. “It is. A new scone recipe along with several of my more popular treats.” I slid the box towards him.
He didn’t even try to feign restraint he immediately popped open the box and peered inside. Carefully, he selected a treat and bit into it, closing his eyes and moaning in delight. “You are so gifted. And I admittedly have an enormous sweet tooth. My mother used to tell me if I wasn’t careful I would weigh eight hundred pounds.”
“That seems unlikely. You’re remarkably fit for someone around food all the time.” My cheeks burned at my words. I wasn’t flirting with him, but I wasn’t so sure he would see it that way.
“Yes, well, I must deny myself many pleasures to remain fit. Needless to say, it is a blessing that I cannot bake. Even a soufflé.” He clicked his tongue, shaking his head. “I’m a disgrace to French people everywhere.”
I laughed. “Everything I’ve eaten of yours is divine. And if I makes you feel any better, my cooking skills consist of boiling water to make macaroni and cheese.”
“We are a perfect pair.” Then his eyes fell to my hand. “But it seems you have already found your match.”
My heart pounded. Cooper. My match? There was so much about us that felt perfect. But what happened on the other side? What happened when it was all over? When he woke up one morning and realized he couldn’t be with me anymore? Couldn’t deal with me and my disorganization or my penchant for clutter or leaving my clothes on the floor? I just smiled at Chef Henri because I couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Thank you for my treats,” he said.
“You are very welcome.” I stood. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Yes, and I shall let you know if Mr. Montgomery has thoughts about your idea.”
I smiled, then turned to leave. I had barely made it to my car before I opened the folder to read through the benefits. I flipped through everything quickly, looking for the specific insurance care provided for women. Fertility treatments, covered for up to a hundred thousand dollars. Hot damn!
I blew out a breath. I could do this without forcing Cooper to help me. Once he was free from that burden, then we could make things go back to normal between us.
Chapter 21
The two-day trip to Chattanooga had seemed more like two weeks. I missed Ally.
It seemed even longer because we hadn’t spoken at all. It was like I hadn’t been able to breathe without her. I knew the bakery was likely busy, but I didn’t care. I had to see her, get my hands on her.
The tiny bell on the bright blue door rang as I entered.
“Welcome to Buns—” Ally’s voice faded and her mouth opened in a silent ‘O.’
“Hey, sweetheart. I missed you.” I didn’t wait for an invitation, I walked around the counter and pulled her against me. God, she smelled good. Like vanilla and cinnamon...sugar and spice and everything nice. I was doomed to get aroused every time I smelled cookies. But right now with her in my arms again, I didn’t give a shit. “I missed you so fucking much.”
She pressed her cheek to my chest, squeezing me tight. Hope bloomed inside me. Maybe she’d changed her mind.
“You didn’t answer my texts or calls,” I said.
She lifted her blue eyes to mine. “I was thinking. Figuring stuff out. Come in the back,” she grabbed my hand and tugged. “We can talk back there while Jilly works the front.”
I followed dutifully behind her, then once we were safely enclosed in the kitchen, I pulled her against me again and kissed her. She opened to me, kissed me back. I was going to get to keep her. But then she shoved hard against me, putting distance between us.
She put her fingers to her lips, shook her head. “Wait, Coop. We have to talk. I have news.”
Nausea swam through me. She hadn’t changed her mind, and I wanted to turn tail and run like a pussy. I didn’t want to hear her words. But I wouldn’t walk away. Not yet. I was just going to stand here and let her break my heart.
“The Sea Glass, you know the fancy restaurant inside The Montgomery hotel?”
I nodded. I had no idea where she was going with this and frankly I didn’t even care. I just knew she hadn’t wanted my kiss. She didn’t want me.
“They’ve offered me a job. Executive pastry chef in their restaurant and enough staff that I can still keep my bakery open, except it would be renamed and belong to them.” A slight frown marred her features, then she brightened. “But the best part is I’d be an employee of Montgomery, Inc. and as such I’d have an excellent benefits package and an incredible salary.”
I waited for her to say more but she just stared at me.
“What do you think?”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me,” I told her. “I didn’t even know you’d applied for a different job.”
“I’m telling you we can end this charade. We can annul the marriage and go back to how our lives were before. Movies on your couch, you coming in here for your morning cookies. I won’t need your benefits to get a baby because I can get my own.”
Her words were a punch to my gut. I had to fight the urge to double over. She not only didn’t want me, she didn’t need me.
“Isn’t that great?” she asked.
I dragged my fingers through my hair. “No. Ally, it isn’t great. It’s fucking terrible, as far as I’m concerned. You want me to go back to sitting next to you on my couch without being able to touch you or kiss you?” I shook my head. “Fuck that noise. I don’t think I can do that anymore. I’ll always be here for you if you need me, but I can’t go back to the way things were. I can’t pretend anymore. It’s not enough for me.”
Her eyes filled with sadness. “I thought you’d be happy. I know you hated having to fake things, having to lie for me. Is this about what you told me before you left? You have to know that those feelings aren’t real.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” I shook my head. “I love you. It was never a lie for me. I want you for real. My wife. Forever. I want you to pick me.” I tapped on my chest. “I want you to pick us. With or without a baby.”
“This isn’t some stupid romcom, Cooper. This is my life.” Her voice came out in a sad whisper. “You might think you love me, but you just got caught up in everything, the marriage, the sex...” She shook her head. “One day you’re going to wake up and realize I’m not enough. And then what?”
; “You think I’m going to change my mind?” I paced a circle around her kitchen. “Ask yourself who was the one who’s always been there for you. Even when you ghosted me, I was there. I called every week despite you never answering. Who chased you, Ally? Who drove four hours to find you? Who fought for you and for our friendship? I think I’ve more than proved how important you are to me. How committed I am to you.
“Every girlfriend I’ve ever had eventually broke up with me because they couldn’t compete. They knew I’d never pick them over you.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but I held up a hand. The truth was I needed to get out of there. I needed to get away from her before I completely broke down.
“You think you’re not enough for me, but the truth is, I’m not enough for you. I want you. I love you. With or without a baby. I really wanted to be enough for you, too.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “You can stay at my house as long as you need to. I’ll stay with Jackson or get a hotel room or something.”
Then I turned and left before I couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.
I’d just lost my wife and my best friend all in one swoop.
Chapter 22
I slid down the wall, crumbling to the floor. I didn’t bother to stop the tears. I vaguely heard Jilly moving around out in the front of the bakery and then she was by my side, sitting on the floor right next to me.
“I’ll be all right. I just need a minute.” But the tears kept coming, like they’d been pent up for years.
She pulled me into her arms and I didn’t fight it. I’d never been much of a hugger, besides Cooper, but this I allowed. “It’ll be okay,” she murmured in my ear.
“He left me.” Cooper was gone. “I don’t understand what happened. I thought I’d found the perfect solution for us to both get what we want.”
