I couldn’t speak as he leaned even closer.
“And there are some advantages.”
Before I could ask what those were, his lips were on mine. Becks’s fingers threaded into my hair, the other hand at my waist, his mouth warm, caressing. I could feel the kiss down to my bones. It rippled through me, his passion, and my love for him rose up to meet it. Like waves crashing, we tangled together, mixing, melting into each other. It was the first time Becks had ever kissed me, really kissed me, and for a few seconds afterward, I couldn’t speak. He’d stolen my breath.
“Becks,” I gasped, eyes closed, his forehead pressed against mine. I was so happy; my voice shook.
“Hmm?”
“I can’t believe you just did that.”
He laughed roughly. “Me either.”
As I opened my eyes, his were still shut, a small smile on his lips as he played with the ends of my hair. I turned my head and caught flash of bright green by the door. Mercedes.
“Oh.” I pulled away, heart sinking. “I get it now.”
“Get what?” Becks said.
“This was for her.” As Becks followed my gaze, the girl jumped and hurried away. With each tap of her heels, I felt another pang go through me. “Good one, Becks. You were really convincing.”
“Yeah,” he said, back still to me, “convincing.”
“That’s what this was, wasn’t it? What you said, that kiss, it was just you being a great fake boyfriend.” In my mind, I begged him to say no. To tell me I was wrong. Please, please, let me be wrong. “This was all just part of the plan to convince her.”
Becks studied my face. There was an odd little frown on his mouth, but it disappeared as he grinned. “Of course, it was. Jeez, Sal, don’t look so worried. Was she watching the whole time?”
“Not sure,” I said, smile wavering. My eyes felt wet, but I wouldn’t let the tears fall. “You know, I didn’t realize we had an audience.”
Becks shrugged, his eyes watching me carefully. “Why else would I kiss you?”
That hit home.
Jumping from the counter, I rushed for the front door. I heard Becks call my name but didn’t pause. Getting away was the only option. Otherwise, he’d see me cry, and that wasn’t going to happen, not over this. I wasn’t stupid. I’d known Becks didn’t love me, but having it confirmed, having it said so plainly after that amazing kiss, I couldn’t take it.
Becks caught my arm on the last step of the porch. “Sal, what’s wrong?”
I didn’t know if it was his touch or the stupid question, but something sparked a fire inside me.
Spinning around, I let it all out. My frustration, my anger, my love, the truth, the words poured from my lips like a waterfall. I told him how mad I was that he’d kissed me just for Mercedes’s benefit, how I wanted him as my real boyfriend not a fake one, how I’d loved him all my life and what an idiot he was for not noticing. I told him everything I’d been afraid to tell him over the years.
And true to form, I said it all in German.
Whenever my blood was up, it became my native tongue. There was something freeing in saying everything out loud, and I did it without fear or restraint, knowing that neither Becks nor any of the bystanders looking would understand what I was saying. And there were plenty of those. Half the party seemed to have followed us onto the front lawn, watching as I ranted at Becks like a mad woman.
When I came to the end, I was breathing heavy, and Becks looked more shocked than I’d ever seen him.
“Sal…” He reached for me again, but I backed away.
“No, Becks.” I was back to English. I wanted him to understand this time. “I can’t do this anymore. Let’s call it off, okay?”
“But Sal, I—”
“It’s over.” I shook my head. He’d wanted big and public, and the crowd around us was hanging on every word, silent enough you could hear crickets chirping. Guess he’d gotten his wish. “It’s just…over.”
As I turned to walk away, I ran straight into Ash Stryker. He was staring at me, wearing an odd expression. I supposed I’d better get used to people looking at me like that.
“Sorry,” I muttered, stepping around him, making my way over to Hooker. Her mouth was hanging open, and she looked nearly as devastated as I felt. “Can you give me a lift?”
She immediately snapped to attention. Shooting a glare at Becks, she linked her arm through mine and said, “Sure thing, Spitz.’’
Hooker led me away from the crowd, and I was glad. At that point, her arm was the only thing keeping me on my feet.
The F.B.F. plan was officially null and void. I’d actually told Becks the truth, in a language he couldn’t understand, but I’d done it. On Monday, everything would be back to normal, no more Bally, no more lies, just me and Becks as we’d always been, best friends. It was a good thing, a great thing, a relief.
But then why did I feel like I’d taken a wrecking ball to the chest?
CHAPTER 13
There was a light knock at the door.
I grunted, burrowing deeper under the covers. My bed was a safe place, my cocoon, and I wasn’t leaving until someone forced me out.
I heard the door slowly open, footsteps on the carpet, felt my weight shift as someone sat down beside me.
“Sally, are you okay?” The voice was soft. “What’s wrong honey?”
Oh nothing, Mom. My heart’s like one big bruise, but other than that everything’s peachy.
“Just tired,” I mumbled.
“Did something happen last night?”
“Nmph.” I flipped onto my side, giving her my back. The reminder of last night was like putting a chisel to that bruise and pressing down, hard. I didn’t want her to see me crack under the pressure.
“Sally?” she said, laying a hand on my back. A few tears leaked out at the concern I heard there. “Sally, Becks is downstairs.”
“What?” I threw the covers from my head in panic, whirling to face her. Why was he here? I couldn’t let him see me like this. It would ruin everything. “You can’t let him up here, Mom.”
“Why not?” Her painful expression was knowing. Too late I remembered what I must look like, my eyes red and puffy from crying, cheeks tearstained.
“I don’t—” My voice broke, then came back in a low rasp, throat clogged with tears. “I don’t want to see him.”
“Ah, honey.” She gathered me up in a tight hug. “It’s okay. Whatever happened you guys will get past this. You always do.”
I shook my head, wrapping my arms around her.
“Whatever he did,” she went on, “it can’t be that bad, right? You and Becks are great together.”
Nice of her to assume it was his fault, but the only thing Becks did was tell the truth.
Why else would I kiss you? Closing my eyes, my heart gave another painful kick. I’d never forget what he said. As much as it killed me, I needed to stop playing pretend and face facts.
“We’re better off as friends.” I hated the words as soon as they left my mouth.
“Are you sure?” Mom leaned back, keeping her hands on my shoulders. “Sally, maybe—”
“I’m sure.” I tried to put force behind the words. “Me and Becks are done, Mom. It’ll be better this way.”
She smoothed my hair back. “But Sally, he was your first boyfriend, your first love.”
One out of two wasn’t bad. She didn’t know that my first boyfriend was actually no boyfriend at all, just a guy helping out his desperate dork of a best friend. My chest tightened. “I’ll get over it.”
“That’s right.” Mom nodded encouragingly, changing tactics. “There’ll be other boys. They’ll be lining up; just you wait.”
That jolted me. I’d ended all things F.B.F. less than twenty-four hours ago, and already she was back into matchmaking mode. The idea of dating anyone besides Becks—fake boyfriend or not—made me nauseated.
“I think I’m going to take it easy on the guy front, Mom. My heart’s kind of fra
gile right now.” More like shattered. “I need a little recovery time, you know?”
“Okay,” she said grudgingly as she rose from the bed. At the door, she stopped and glanced over her shoulder. “What should I tell Becks?”
I shrugged, stiff-backed.
“Alright, I’ll handle it.” Just before pulling the door closed, her eyes soft, Mom added, “I meant what I said, honey. There will be other boys. Don’t break your heart permanently over this first one, okay?”
I swallowed. “I’ll try not to.”
Once she was gone I flopped back onto the bed, gazing up at the ceiling. Mom really didn’t understand. Becks wasn’t just the first. He was first, last and all the others in between. I didn’t want anyone else. Becks was it for me. As much as it hurt now, that was the way it’d always been, would always be. Yet no matter how I felt, we were destined to be nothing more or less than friends. I’d made peace with that fact before, and I’d do it again. I’d have to do it again. If it was the only way to have Becks in my life, then that was that.
I jumped as my phone buzzed on my nightstand.
Reaching over, I flipped it open and read the text from Becks.
“R U OK?” it said.
I took a deep breath then typed, “Of course I am :)”
Even with the emoticon, Becks didn’t fall for it. “BS. Sal, why won’t U see me??”
Closing my eyes, I decided: There was only one thing to do. This time I let my fingers do the lying for me.
“Just act for Mom. Have to make BrkUp look real, right?”
A few moments ticked by, and then Becks texted back. “Right… See U at school 2morrow?”
I sighed, glad he’d let it go. “U bet. Bye, Becks.”
“Bye, Sal…”
I slid the phone shut, switching it from one hand to the other, hoping I would be as convincing in person.
The next day I’d showered, put on new, clean clothes, got to my zero period on time. My insides were still a mess, but I thought I’d managed to hide it pretty well.
“So,” Pisszilla said, tapping her pen on the paper in front of her, “did you get it, Spitz?”
“Get what?” I asked.
She raised an eyebrow. “The college. Did you get the name before that embarrassing scene on Mercedes’s lawn, or did Becks dump your sorry butt before you had a chance?”
I flushed. Naturally, Pisszilla would bring something like that up, right here in front of everyone on the paper, where it’d cause the most humiliation.
“Are you deaf?” Ash said, and her eyes shot to him. “Didn’t you hear what happened? She broke up with him, not the other way around.”
“Of course, I heard. Everyone did.” Pisszilla pointed at me, her carefully made-up eyes filled with malicious glee. “She was speaking in tongues, making a fool out of herself, having a breakdown right there at the party.”
“German,” I mumbled.
“What?” she hissed.
I looked her square in the eye, sick of her crap. “I was speaking in German. And no, I didn’t get the name of the college. Guess you’ll just have to get it yourself.”
“Fine, I will.”
“Yeah, good luck with that.”
She glared. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Becks and I are—” God, what were we now? I went with the one thing that’d never changed. “—best friends. If he didn’t tell me, I’m sure he’s not going to tell a cold-hearted, vicious spewing, too-much-make-up wearing, peroxide blond jerk like you.”
She gasped, hands flying to her hair. “You bitch! This is all natural.”
I raised an eyebrow of my own.
“Roots don’t lie, Prissy.”
She sputtered, glaring as snickers went up around the room.
Before Pisszilla could get another word in, the bell rang, and I walked out, feeling a bit lighter.
“Hey, Spitz.”
I turned as Ash stepped up next to me. “What’s up, Ash?”
“I need to talk to you,” he said. “It’s about something you said at the party…”
I was hardly listening. Becks was standing a little ways down the hall, Mercedes on one side, nearly spilling out of her top, Roxy on the other, hip cocked wide in a pair of short shorts. It was impossible to tell who was showing the most skin. They were both talking to him, speaking over each other, but he was scanning the hall. When he locked eyes with me, Becks shook them off in one fluid movement, heading my way with a determined look on his face.
That couldn’t mean anything good.
“Ash, can we talk later?” I said, already moving for the bathroom.
“Okay,” he said, “but Spitz—”
“Alright, bye.” I rushed across the hall and made it inside as the warning bell sounded. I caught a glimpse of Ash and Becks, both wearing identical looks of surprise, but I didn’t care. My heart had skipped a beat when I’d seen Becks. All I could think about was that kiss on Mercedes’s countertop. A little more time, I decided. That’s all I needed was a little more time. Then I’d be ready to face him.
Waiting for the bell to ring, I washed my hands, took my time examining the soap machine. I was going to be late for first, but Ms. Vega loved me, and German was my best subject. I didn’t want to chance running into anyone on my way out.
The bell sounded, and I exhaled. Grabbing my books, I pulled open the door and stepped out into the empty hallway.
“That’s the second time you’ve done that.”
I gasped, spinning to find Becks leaning against the little strip of wall directly beside the bathroom.
“Becks, you scared me,” I said, still trying to calm my frantic nerves.
“Sorry.” He straightened and walked over, not stopping until we were face to face. “What’s up with all this running into bathrooms whenever you see me?”
When in doubt, go for the gross-out factor. “Well, I ate some really bad fish last night and—”
He held up a hand, nose scrunched. “Yeah, okay. I don’t want to know.”
“Okay.”
Looking down, he shoved his hands into his pockets. “Listen Sal…about what happened at the party, I—”
“It was great, wasn’t it?” I chuckled, just like I’d practiced it at home, as his head shot up in surprise. “That was some of my best work.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t think anyone had any doubts after that performance. Bally is officially over. It’s such a relief, isn’t it?”
“You’re saying it was all an act?” His eyes narrowed in suspicion. “I didn’t know you could cry on cue, Sal.”
I waved him off dismissively. “The tears were a great touch, right? I think it added just the right amount of drama.”
“So, when you were saying all that stuff… What did you say exactly?”
“Basically, a whole bunch of crap about how I couldn’t keep doing this—,” Truth. “—how you’d broken my heart—,” Truth. “—and how I’d never forgive you—.” Lie. “—That kind of stuff.”
“And you did it in German because…” he trailed off, waiting for me to fill in the blanks.
“Well, because no one would understand it, of course. Again, it was all about upping the drama.” I widened my eyes, reaching out to grab his arm. “You’re not mad are you? Oh Becks, I tried my best to do it right. Was it too over the top? Do you think people might not have believed me?”
“I sure did,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. Why did he look so…upset? “So, we’re okay?”
“‘Course we are.” I smiled so hard it hurt my cheeks. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
“Sal, I want you to know—” He stopped suddenly, shook his head.
“What, Becks?”
“Nothing.” He cleared his throat and then grinned. “Thanks for letting me be your fake boyfriend, Sal. I’m glad you asked me. It was fun.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I’m glad, too. Now that you’re not chained to me, you
can go out with whoever you want. I’m sure all the girls’ll be happy to have you back.”
“Hmm,” he agreed, “and you can give it a go with that secret crush of yours.”
The sound that escaped my lips was too strangled to be a laugh. I only hoped Becks didn’t notice.
“I’ve got to go,” he said, turning, “but I’ll see you at practice after school, okay?”
“Sure.”
As soon as he was gone, I slumped, the smile slipping from my face. At least he’d believed me, I thought. And now there was nothing holding him back anymore. Becks could get any girl he wanted. I wished I could’ve been happier for him, but with my own feelings so mixed up, there was just no way. The guilt was gone—that was a plus—but in its place there were all these new emotions.
Like whenever I saw him with another girl.
“Hey, Becks.” A cheek rub. “Looking good.”
“Wanna go out tonight, Becks?”
“God Becks, your arms are so tight. Come over to my house later?”
The flirting was old news, but the way it made me feel was what’d changed. Anger came first, hot and heavy, followed by jealousy and then the quick sting of self-loathing as I realized I had no right to either of those feelings
When Mercedes kissed his cheek, I finally blew.
“You’re just going let her do that?” I said, voice angry, though it’d been her fault, not his.
“What?” Becks said. “The girl pounced. What was I supposed to do, hit her?”
I shook my head in disgust. “Don’t you have any self-respect?”
“Calm down, Sal. It was just—”
“Save it.” I hadn’t talked to him for the rest of the day.
After that, I learned to turn off my emotions. I didn’t want to be that girl. It was better to be a shell, empty. Go to school. Come home. Repeat. Over the next couple of days, I was pretty much unaware of anything.
When Mom let Hooker into the house, I didn’t even look up from my book. Gilbert was about to ask Anne to marry him, and like an idiot, she was going to stomp all over his heart. Turning the page, I sighed. Nice people always got trampled by the ones they loved.
“Spitz, what are you wearing?”
“Oh, hey,” I said, startled. Carefully, I slid my bookmark into place. “How’s it going, Hooker?”
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