“No worries. Call me if you ever want to play.” She didn’t. That was the difference between them. He wanted to play so he didn’t have to feel. Izzie couldn’t do that. She was feeling everything and wished that she didn’t, but maybe it was better this way. She felt like Andy had been ripped right through her soul and left a hole in it the size of her head, just like the others. She was so full of holes now, she felt like a Swiss cheese. After Tony hung up, she looked in the mirror and tried to figure out what to do.
She asked for a week off from work, and she walked all over San Francisco, thinking. She didn’t know where to go, where to be, or even how to be anymore. She went to see Helen Weston and told her how sorry she was, and she met Nancy, before she went back to Boston. And she understood why Andy had loved her. They even looked like each other. Tall, slim, aristocratic blondes with fine features. They would have had gorgeous children, Izzie thought to herself. And she and Nancy hugged when Izzie left her.
She went to see Connie again and saw the strain in her eyes from worrying about Sean. She was helping Mike now, but Sean should have been doing it, instead of chasing bad guys and risking his own life. It made no sense to Izzie, and didn’t sound noble to her. It seemed wrong that his parents had to live in constant terror that he’d be killed, and so did she, even as his friend.
She went for a long walk with Jennifer, and they talked about all of it. All Izzie knew now was that she wanted to go away. She couldn’t leave until June, the end of the school year. She was stuck in San Francisco until then, except for spring break. And then she remembered the trip to Argentina, and how healing that had been. It had kick-started her life again.
She decided to go to Japan over spring break, and she could figure out the rest of her life later. But she was certain that she needed to get away. From everything. Maybe for a year after that, and then she could go to graduate school, but she couldn’t stay here mourning her friends forever. No one was left now except her and Sean, and he was dead to her too, or might as well have been, since she could only talk to him for one week a year. What kind of life was that, and what kind of friend?
She went back to work, and Wendy told her how sorry she was. She knew Andy’s mother and had gone to the funeral too. Izzie hadn’t noticed anyone there, just Andy in his casket, and his father standing up in front of everyone, saying he had thought it could never happen to him. It had happened to all of them, the entire community, and was a failure on the part of the community to save him, and for creating a world where young people who had everything going for them would rather die than live. It was a mystery that no one seemed to be able to solve, but it was happening too often to too many, and it had happened to Andy, another casualty of his generation, and of the pressure he and his parents had put on him to always be perfect. Just like Larry’s pressure on Billy to be a big football star. In some ways, the expectations had been too much for them. They all had to exceed everyone’s wishes for them, or at least live up to them, even if it killed them.
Izzie planned her trip to Japan in April, and she was going to pay for it herself this time. She wanted to visit the countryside, and go to the shrines in Kyoto. She didn’t have to renew her contract for school until May, and she was giving herself until then to decide what she wanted to do. She hoped to figure it out while she was in Japan. She needed to see something new, and wanted to start her life over. Nothing about what she’d done so far felt right to her anymore. And she had no idea what would.
She had dinner with her father and Jennifer the night before she left. She looked serious and quiet, and her father was worried about her, but Jennifer said she was going to be okay. She was doing all the right things, and the trip to Japan was a good sign. She was reaching out for life, although there was no denying that Andy’s death had been a terrible blow, yet again. It was a final loss of innocence for her and all his friends, the denial of hope.
She dyed Easter eggs with the kindergarten on the last day of school, and she had had fun with them. She took a cab to the airport to leave on her trip. She checked in, had her boarding pass and her passport in her hand, she had only brought carry-on, and was buying magazines for the flight when her BlackBerry rang. It was Connie, and she sounded breathless.
“Thank God. I thought you were gone.”
“I almost am. My plane leaves in an hour. Why?”
Connie didn’t waste any time. “Sean’s been shot.” Izzie closed her eyes and felt the terminal spin around her. “He’s alive. Barely. He took two bullets in the chest and three in the leg. And don’t ask me how, but he crawled out through the jungle somehow, and sent some kind of signal. They picked him up in a clandestine operation a week later. They’re flying him from Bogotá to Jackson Memorial in Miami tonight. Mike and I are flying out on the red-eye. I thought you might want to be there when he gets to the hospital in Miami.” She assumed Izzie would.
“Why?” Izzie asked her, and Connie sounded shocked by the question.
“Because you love him and he’s your friend. You two have always been there for each other, and you’re the only one left.”
“He’s not there for me, Connie,” Izzie said coldly, “or for you either, or his father. He’s obsessed with killing drug dealers because of Billy and Kevin, but he was obsessed with that before them. He wanted to catch bad guys when he was five years old. Meanwhile he breaks all of our hearts. And next time they’ll kill him.”
“I don’t think he’ll go back after this,” Connie said quietly. “It sounds like he was very badly injured, and he barely got out.” She was stunned by Izzie’s reaction and the harshness of what she’d said.
“He’ll go back,” Izzie said with conviction. “As soon as he can crawl, he’ll go back, and you won’t know where he is or if he’s dead or alive for another year. I don’t want to play that game anymore. It hurts too much.” She was trying to get free of it now, even if it meant getting free of him.
“I’m sorry. I thought you’d want to know.”
“I do. I love you, Connie, and I love him. But I think what he’s doing is wrong, for all of us, and especially for him. And I don’t want him breaking my heart all over again when he dies, and he will. We’ll be going to his funeral next. I’m glad he’s okay this time, but one of these days he won’t be. I have to stop hanging on to it, or it’s going to kill me. Give him my love. I’m going to Japan.”
“Take care of yourself,” Connie said sadly, and hung up.
Izzie paid for her magazines and sat down in the terminal, waiting for her flight to board. She felt sick. All she could think about was the condition Sean must be in, and how he had crawled through the jungle for a week, with five bullet holes in him. She didn’t know why he didn’t die, but next time he might, or the time after. He was addicted to what he was doing, beyond reason, and it cost her too much. She had meant what she had said to his mother. She wasn’t even sure she ever wanted to see him again. It was too heartbreaking. They called her flight, and she stood on line to board.
She walked into the gangway behind the others for the flight to Tokyo, and then she stopped before she got on the plane. She couldn’t do it. She hated him for it. He had no right to do this to her, even as a friend. She turned around and walked back through the gangway and into the terminal again. She stood there for a long moment, trying to make sense of it, but she couldn’t. She walked through the terminal, and bought a ticket for Miami, hating Sean for what he did to all of them.
Chapter 23
Izzie landed in Miami before his parents did, and she was at the hospital when they arrived. Connie looked at Izzie gratefully, and was relieved to see her there. A doctor explained that Sean had just been flown in and was in intensive care. They could see him for a few minutes but not for long.
His parents went in to see him first, and Izzie went in alone after them, and was shocked by what she saw. He looked ravaged, his chest was heavily bandaged, he had tubes coming out of everywhere, and his leg had drains in it and pins from where
the bone had shattered when he’d been shot. Izzie couldn’t imagine how he had crawled out of the jungle and survived it. He looked twenty years older than he was, but he was alive. His eyes were half closed, but he opened them when he saw her, and he seemed surprised.
“What are you doing here?” he asked her, and gently reached for her hand resting on his bed. She couldn’t help herself, and stroked his cheek and then his hair.
“I had nothing better to do, so I thought I’d come to Miami and drop by. It looks like you made quite a mess of yourself, Bozo,” she said, pointing to his chest and his leg. He started to laugh, but it hurt too much.
“Yeah, whatever. You should see what the other guy looks like,” he whispered. He didn’t tell her, but he had killed six of them when he left. They had assumed he was dead, and still didn’t know he was alive. The FBI was going to have to change his identity for his next assignment.
“You going back?” she whispered back to him. He hesitated, and then he nodded. She wasn’t surprised. She had told his mother that he would. “I figured. You’re a crazy bastard, Sean O’Hara. And that’s not a compliment, but I’m glad you’re alive. Your parents don’t deserve to lose another son.” The only one they had left. But she was happy for herself too. It was good to see him, even the way he looked. She didn’t tell him about Andy. He was still too sick to know. It would be a hard blow for him too. And for her—the day Sean eventually died, and she knew he would, it would be too much for her. She was already bracing herself for it, particularly knowing he was going back. He had an obsession, and a death wish no one could stop, and she was smart enough not to try.
He closed his eyes then, and drifted off to sleep. He was heavily sedated, but in spite of it, he still made sense, and had been happy to see her. She saw him again the next morning and talked to him for a few minutes, and then she left. She flew back to San Francisco, and decided to postpone her trip to Japan. She had already lost two days of it, and she could go another time.
She let her father know she was back, and she spent the rest of the spring break taking long walks and doing quiet things. She was thinking of what she’d seen in Miami. And two weeks later, once she was back at work, Connie called to say they were home. Sean was still in the hospital, and she said he would be there for a while. He had had some complications with the bullet wounds, but she said that ultimately he’d be fine. If you can call it that, Izzie thought to herself.
It was a sunny afternoon in May and Izzie was leaving the kindergarten when she looked up and saw Sean standing there, watching her, in rough clothes, with a full beard, and leaning heavily on a cane. He had trouble walking as he approached, and she wouldn’t have admitted it to him, but it made her heart stop to look at him. They were the last two survivors of a universe that no longer existed, another planet that had vanished into thin air with the deaths of their friends.
“What brings you here?” she asked him as she walked over to him and gave him a hug. He looked stronger, and seemed powerful, even with the cane, and he had put on some weight since she saw him in Miami.
“I came home for a visit,” he said quietly, and his eyes were intense. “I wanted to see you, Izzie, and my parents.”
“Why? Me, I mean. What difference does it make? You’ll be dead soon anyway, just like the others.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” he said unhappily. “I made it through this time.” And even he was surprised. He had heard about Andy by then and was sad about it too. It was such a terrible waste, he was such a terrific guy, with so much ahead of him. A great life, if he hadn’t ended it.
“Maybe you’ll make it through next time too,” she said, with a look that said she didn’t believe it, and didn’t want to hope for it anymore.
“Can we have a cup of coffee somewhere?” Sean asked her cautiously.
“Sure. You can come to my place.” She was about to say it was in walking distance, but it wasn’t for him with the cane. But he had brought his mother’s car, and he drove her there. He took his time getting up the stairs, and sat down in her living room and looked around. There were photographs of all of the Big Five, together, when they were kids, and several of him alone. He was touched. He wondered why there were more of him, and she saw the question in his eyes. “You’re the only one still alive,” she told him. She sat down next to him, and handed him a mug of coffee. He set it down carefully on a magazine so he didn’t stain her table, and looked her in the eyes.
“Izzie …” He started to say something to her, but he couldn’t finish it. Before either of them knew what had happened to them, he was kissing her and she was in his arms. She wasn’t sure if they were fighting each other or making love, or just trying to stay alive. She felt as though an uncontrollable force had taken possession of both of them, and every ounce of his being that he had used to survive was now being poured into her. He was stronger than she expected, and dragging his bad leg, he carried her into the bedroom, and nearly tore off her clothes while she pulled his off just as quickly. They were two desperate people, making love with a passion she had never dreamed of, and she had never felt for him or anyone before. They were alive. They had survived. They needed each other desperately. They were suddenly two halves that made one whole, and they were both breathless when they finished, as she lay in his arms staring at him. She had always thought something like that might happen one day, but she was surprised anyway.
“What was that?” she asked him in a whisper. It was like being possessed. They were like two bodies with one soul.
“I’m not sure. I’m in love with you, Izzie. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t know what to do. You’re the only thing that got me out of that jungle, dragging myself by my arms—the thought of seeing you again.” She lay next to him and looked at him with eyes that bored straight to his soul.
“Are you going back undercover again?” It was the only thing she wanted to know. Not if he loved her, but if he was going back. And he was always honest with her.
“Yes, I am,” he whispered back. “I have to.” She nodded and got out of bed as swiftly as she had entered it, and stood looking at him from across the room.
“Then get out of my bed. And my life. Forever. I never want to see you again. You can’t do this to me. I won’t let you. All the others took a piece of me with them. If you die, when you die—because you will if you go back—you’ll take the rest. I won’t let you. I’m taking my life back. You can do whatever you want, but you can’t come here, tell me you love me, make love to me, and then break my heart when you go back and they kill you next time. Get out!” Her face was hard as she said it, and he didn’t say a word. He knew she meant it, he knew her better than anyone. He got out of her bed and put his clothes on, as she watched him. She was wearing a pink satin robe, and all he wanted was to make love to her again. Worse, she knew that she had found what she was looking for, the passion she had never been able to find about anything in her life. He was it. But her face showed nothing as he stopped in the doorway.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I had no right to do this. Take care of yourself, Izzie. I love you, but that’s beside the point.” She said nothing, but she burst into tears as soon as he left. She could hear him limping slowly down the stairs with his injured leg. She lay on her bed sobbing after he was gone. The last time she had seen him, she had thought it would be the final one, and now she felt that way again. She hated him for it. She had no idea how you killed nineteen years of loving someone. But he was a dead man, and she knew it.
She turned her ticket to Japan into one for India, with a departure date in mid-June. She was going to travel for a month or two. And she had signed her contract for the coming school year, but she had told them it would be her last. She was applying to graduate school, maybe in Europe. Other than her family, there was nothing keeping her here anymore. All her friends were gone.
She was looking forward to her trip, and had been reading about all the wonders of India. She was going
to rent a car and travel around by herself. She wasn’t afraid to do it.
The last day in kindergarten was always a big event. The children would be entering first grade in September, and Wendy and Izzie had prepared them well. These were their last baby days before they entered a more grown-up world. Izzie hated to say goodbye to them and she hugged them all, especially Dana and Daphne, as they left on the last day. She had given each child a book, and written something special in it to every one of them. She still had the book that Miss June had given her on the last day of kindergarten, a dog-eared copy of Goodnight Moon.
She and Wendy took their time tidying up after the children left. There was always a moment of nostalgia when the school year ended, and a feeling of new beginnings in the fall.
“Well, we did it,” Wendy said, smiling at her. “Another year.” She wondered if the next one would really be Izzie’s last, or if she would get hooked as she had. For Wendy, it always felt like watching baby sparrows hatch and eventually take flight, but Izzie wasn’t sure. There were other things she wanted to do, like her trip to India that summer. The truth was that other than her father and Jennifer, all the ties that kept her in San Francisco had been severed. She felt like it was time for her to go, take flight herself, and find the passion that her mother had spoken of. Sean had almost been it, and could have been, but not with the choices he had made. She had heard from Connie that he had left two weeks before, and was in Washington, doing therapy for his leg, and waiting to be shipped out again in a few months. She wished him well, but she didn’t want to be part of his world anymore. It had been hard walking away from him, and sending him away, knowing how much they loved each other. Their afternoon in bed had told them both that. But she knew she had to, and she had no regrets.
She wanted Sean and the pain he would have brought her out of her life. She felt sorry for his parents.
“Send me a postcard from India,” Wendy said as they hugged each other.
Friends Forever Page 24
