Maggie accepted my presence back by her side without a word, though I could tell she still had things she wanted to say. For now, though, it seemed that she would leave those things be—perhaps until I asked for her advice, or until a little more time had passed.
But while the matter of my love life was up in the air, for the time being, everybody was still fixated on what needed to be done about the women still being held captive back at the Ak-hal base. Nobody had forgotten them, or that every minute counted where their lives were concerned. In fact, when I thought of them, I felt ashamed that I had been so fixated on my personal life when their lives were at stake. Had I really become so selfish?
And yet, I still worried about what could possibly be done to free them. Everything that Kypher had said had led me to believe that the Ak-hal had some sort of trap laying in wait for the Kamani if they came after the women at their base, and yet, it wasn’t as if they could just do nothing, especially when there were executions planned for those women who had admitted to being Kamani mates. I trembled as I thought about Jessica, so radiant and kind, and so undeserving of the treatment that she was certainly receiving right now… that was, if she was even still alive…
I banished the thought from my mind. She had to be alive. Ak-hal executions were grand displays full of pomp and ceremony, and it took time to plan them. Because of me, the last one had been disrupted, so surely it would be at least a little while before the next.
“What’s on your mind now, Clara?”
I practically jumped out of my skin, having been caught in the middle of all these thoughts. Maggie looked at me intently, and I realized that I had drifted off in the middle of cooking beside her.
“Oh.” I looked over, supposing I might as well tell her. “Well… it’s about the women who were captured. I’m just so worried about them. And I guess I feel a bit guilty. That I got away and they didn’t.”
“It doesn’t do you any good to feel guilty,” she said. “Though I know what you’re going through.” She smiled wistfully, and I wondered then what it must have been like for her in those years after she escaped the Ak-hal, knowing that I—and others like me—was still imprisoned among them.
“I suppose I just wonder… did I deserve freedom?”
“That’s the most foolish thing I’ve ever heard, Clara.”
“What? Why?”
“Just think back to all the things you’ve done. You stayed strong for all the years that you were held captive. You kept your own mind when you could have lost it. You helped Shay escape by giving her a weapon to use against her captor. And Atik has already told everybody about what you did for him when he was going to be executed. You stood up against an army of Ak-hal to save someone who didn’t deserve to be killed. If there is anybody who deserves freedom, Clara, it’s you.”
I was shaken by what Maggie said. I had never realized that anybody could think about me that way, with so much respect—especially someone like her, who I respected so much in turn.
“And don’t think that Atik doesn’t know all these things about you,” she added quickly, “and that he doesn’t feel the same way because of them.”
Now I was caught off guard.
“Atik?”
“He’s been talking to people. Wanting to know as much as he can about you, since you’re still too shy to spend much time with him yourself. And you can be sure that Shay gave him an earful when he asked her for stories.”
Feeling the heat rising to my face, I wondered just what Shay had told him about me. After all, there were plenty of things she could have said, given our history together. I decided not to think too much about it, otherwise I might actually faint on the spot. It would be a very bad time for me to suddenly revert back into a Victorian lady after having run from that life so very long ago.
I supposed that explained why I hadn’t seen him though. He hadn’t forgotten about me. He had just decided to go about getting to know me in other ways—more subtle ways than I would have expected of a Barbearian. Then again, they had learned at least a little bit of tact in the time since us humans had come to live among them, so perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised. Still, it did take me aback to know just how much I was on his mind—as much as he was on my mind, it seemed.
One way or another, I would have to confront him again, and soon. For now, though, I did want to know more about the Kamani’s plans regarding the women who were trapped with the Ak-hal, and I decided that my first priority was scouting out Shay, who might know a bit more about that.
She was a busy woman, and finding her wasn’t the easiest task. When I finally did locate her, she was with Khofti and several other Kamani, and it looked like I had walked right into discussions of what to do about the women who were still being held among the Ak-hal. It made me a little apprehensive when I stepped in and suddenly all eyes were on me, especially given my recent history with them. But I steeled myself and tried to remember that I wanted what was best for the women, for the Kamani, for everyone involved, and that was why I had come to find Shay—that was why I was here.
“I’m so glad to see you.” Shay stood up immediately and crossed the short space between us, gripping my hands between her own and smiling brightly. “Are you okay? How are you doing?”
I shook my head. That was the last thing I wanted to talk about right now, and seeming to pick up on this, she gave me a slight nod before leading me over to a space on the floor so that we could sit together for this meeting of minds with the Kamani who had gotten together to discuss… well, whatever it was that was being discussed.
“We need to act quickly,” said an older Kamani I recognized as Toki, seeming to pick up where he had left off before I entered. “We don’t want anything to happen to the women, and the more time we waste the more things we leave to chance.”
“But we know that the Ak-hal have something planned,” said Khofti, who sat on the other side of Shay. “And we wouldn’t just be putting ourselves in danger, but the women as well. This is something we cannot do.”
There was a murmur among the Kamani as they all discussed this point. Glancing over at Shay, I saw that she seemed deep in thought about something. I wondered what she was thinking. She probably felt driven to come up with a solution. For a fact, this was a complicated matter, and the Kamani weren’t a complicated people. As the ‘savior’ of the women in the past, it no doubt felt like she had to do something now. I knew that I felt it too, having been the one to escape when all the others were still being held captive back at the Ak-hal base, and the one to hear that they might have some plans at work.
“There is no use for it. We will go, and face whatever danger waits for us,” said Toki. Again, there was a murmur among the Kamani, but it was a murmur of assent. I felt my heart jump up into my chest. Would they really do this? Even if it meant putting so many lives in danger?
“Wait…”
They all turned to look at me. I hadn’t really prepared anything to say, and I froze the moment I drew their attention. Feeling a blush come over my cheeks, I bit my lip. Fortunately, Shay did seem to have something to say, and spoke in my place.
“I still think you should wait just a little while longer,” she said. “Just a couple of days. Some of the women who were with the Ak-hal for some time think that they won’t perform the executions for a while yet. Isn’t that right, Clara?”
I managed to nod, despite feeling a bit foolish with their eyes on me.
“So,” Shay continued, “take a little more time, just to be careful, and figure out a plan that can keep everyone safe. The women and you.”
It took a bit more convincing on Shay’s part, but they finally seemed to agree to this. I felt a great sense of relief when they did… but I didn’t know why until Shay cornered me afterward.
“Hey,” she said. “Clara. I need to tell you something. Khofti let me know… Atik plans to go back to the Ak-hal base with the others, to rescue the women. It makes sense. He’s been there before. H
e can lead the group right to them. And I know you say you aren’t sure about things with him, but—”
“What?” Suddenly, my head felt like it was spinning. Like I would drop right down to the ground. Atik was going back there, when they almost executed him? “Ah… Shay. Do you know where he is right now?”
“Yeah, I do.”
And with that, all my reservations were gone. I just wanted to see him—to speak to him. I didn’t know what I would say, and it didn’t even matter. All that mattered in my world was him, and making sure he knew…
He knew what? The words had popped into my head, but I had stopped them before I could finish the thought. I still wasn’t ready for that. But still, I wanted to see him, now, and so I followed Shay’s directions across the Kamani compound with a single-minded focus, Atik on my mind. I could still feel his lips on mine, as if the kiss had only happened moments ago. I could still feel my heart beating in my breast. I could still feel his heart beating underneath my fingertips as I touched his muscled chest. And as I drew nearer, and nearer, the pull of him like a magnet, it became more and more obvious to me that our meeting had been fate and I became less and less afraid of what that meant in the grand scheme of things.
Chapter 10
I couldn’t help going to find Atik after everything that I had heard in the meeting of the Kamani council. It ate away at me to think of him going back to the Ak-hal when he had come so close to being executed by them just a little while earlier. Images of him bound up kept coming into my mind. I wondered over and over again what would have happened had fate not intervened—had I not been there to keep him from being killed.
However, I suppose that was what was meant to happen, wasn’t it? Maybe I was becoming more Kamani over time in my ways, because it seemed to me that everything I had been through had all been leading to our meeting. And those thoughts led me to another truth. Though I had known him for only a short amount of time, I was now certain that I was in love with Atik. Which was why I had to see him—had to somehow convince him to stay, even though I knew that it would be an impossible task.
I finally found Atik near the edge of the Kamani compound, and though my heart threatened to pound its way out of my chest, I made my way over to him. But what would I say? Every attempt at coming up with a coherent thought failed me. Not for the first time, I wished that I could be as brave as Shay—as strong as Maggie—but I was just Clara, the same simple girl who had left Earth so many years ago, who had been held captive by the Ak-hal for all that time without any thought of even attempting to escape. What could a Kamani like Atik even see in someone like me? It seemed that over time, he would come to resent our fated mating, even if I did succumb to destiny.
But these thoughts were shaken from my head the instant he turned and I caught sight of his golden eyes. There was nothing in my mind then except for him and my desire for him as I closed the distance between us, taking in every feature of his well-sculpted face. Where Kypher was beautiful, he was rugged and handsome like a chiseled statue. The two of them couldn’t have been more different, and that fact gave me some comfort at least.
“Clara,” he said as I stepped up to him, reaching out to place his hand on my arm. I felt my skin grow hot simply from his touch, and tried not to tremble, though it was near impossible.
“You didn’t have to stay away,” I told him—almost feeling like I was telling him off, even though it had been my attitude in the first place that had kept him away, and I knew that was the case.
“I didn’t want to scare you. I know what you have been through,” he said. “But if you don’t want me to stay away, then I will not.”
The tone in his voice sent chills through me, and I took a deep breath to calm myself. Shaking my head, I willed myself to stand firm next to Atik and struggled to find the words that I had come here to say.
“Atik…” I reached up and closed my hands around his forearm, tracing my fingers around his firm muscles. “I don’t know how to do this. I was so broken, for so long.” Laughing, I shook my head. What was I doing? I was speaking in riddles, and that wasn’t the Barbearian way. “You’re a Kamani. You probably don’t understand what I’m saying.”
Then I felt his other hand on my chin, tilting my head up so that I was looking into his eyes again. “Maybe I don’t understand your words, Clara,” he said. “But I understand your heart. There were people that hurt you, but I will not. I will never hurt you, I swear this.”
So straightforward. So kind. What had I done to deserve him? I had saved his life, but already I could tell that every moment I was in his presence, he was the one that was saving me. It was like every wound that I had suffered, every pain that had ever been dealt to me in that long time I had spent with Kypher was healed simply by being near him. His every word cured me of the disease that had settled in my soul after my time among the Ak-hal—a disease that I had thought I would never be completely cured of, no matter how much time had passed.
“That’s not the only thing I’m afraid of,” I admitted as I looked into his eyes, the two of us standing there on an outcropping of ice with the sunlight drifting down in a midafternoon haze. Then, surprising even myself, I leaned forward and placed my head on his chest, where I could hear the beating of his heart. After a few seconds, he placed his arms around me and held me close to him, and I hoped then that he would never let me go.
“What are you afraid of, Clara?” he asked.
“I’m afraid of losing you. I heard that you planned to go with the others to the Ak-hal base to help rescue the women.”
There was a long silence. Then, “Yes. I do plan on going.”
“You can’t. Atik. You were almost killed before. What if something happens? I know, it’s horrible of me to ask you to stay, but—”
“I know where the base is, and many of the women are Kamani mates. I will go.”
“Atik.” Feeling tears filling my eyes, I pulled away, looking up at him. “If something happens to you… I only just found you. I only just started letting myself…” Stopping myself, I shook my head, unable to make that admission to him just yet. “Please. Don’t.”
“There is no other way,” he said. “It must be done.”
And I knew that he truly believed what he was saying. He was a Kamani after all, and Kamani were firm in their convictions. I also knew that my asking him to stay behind was selfish. The lives of several other women were at stake, and it very well might be the case that Atik was key in helping rescue them. However, as I stood there with him, it felt like it was inevitable that he would be ripped away from me. In the back of my head, a voice screamed—I had to find a way to stop this. I had to find a way to keep him safe, to stop this, to be sure that nothing happened to him. But what could I do? I could already tell that trying to talk him out of going would be impossible.
“How did the Ak-hal capture you in the first place?” I asked then, bringing up a question that had been nagging at me for a long while.
“I was scouting. Searching for the Ak-hal so they couldn’t surprise us. They captured me and held me captive for many moons. They have grown stronger without us being aware.”
That much I had noticed. And I was also beginning to see that perhaps Atik had personal reasons for wanting to return to the Ak-hal base. Though the Kamani were a peaceful people, it didn’t mean that they were entirely without ulterior motives. He may not be driven to hurt the Ak-hal, but to personally see that their plans were undone—that was something that might very much be important to him right now.
I could understand that. I wanted just as badly to do something about the women. If I were stronger, if I were braver, if I were someone else then perhaps I could face Kypher and the others the way that Shay had. But I was just Clara. I couldn’t do the sort of things that she had. Could I? That simple thought was enough to make me laugh. The idea of me doing anything like her was ridiculous. And yet, I felt an urge to do something right at that moment. To protect Atik, to save the women who were
my friends and equals—if there were anything that I could have done I would gladly have done it. But I knew that I was too weak to really stand up against the Ak-hal. I wasn’t smart enough to carry out any sort of master plan. I didn’t have anything on my side.
With a sigh, I slid my arms back around Atik and simply let myself rest against him. This had to be enough, I supposed—this moment in time. I had to embrace what was, and hope that maybe, just maybe we could have a future where I could allow myself to admit what I felt for him. If he came back to me, then perhaps there would be time for me to fully and freely embrace my feelings. Now, though, there was too much against us for me to allow myself to be with him the way I wanted to be.
But that wouldn’t stop Atik from admitting his feelings for me.
“I have wanted a mate for a long time, Clara,” he said. “And I couldn’t imagine a woman better than you.” His fingers tangled through my hair and he leaned down, closing his lips on mine so that I could feel their heat. The taste of him was sweeter than honey and richer than wine.
Then he took me by the hand and led me across the ice-covered plains. I followed without speaking, wanting nothing more than to be with him in that moment. I watched him, my eyes taking in every movement of his muscles as the golden sun kissed their rippling curves. I made my way after him all the way to the chamber that I knew must have been his rooms, and then we slipped inside. All at once, I felt anxiety rising up in my body in knowing that we were alone together, and what was to come of us in this moment.
“Atik,” I murmured as he turned around to face me again, placing his hands on my waist and leaning down again, nuzzling my neck with his lips. And when he touched me, all the thoughts rushing through my head seemed to disappear into nothing, and all that was left were thoughts of him—an urge for him that needed to be sated.
“You are so soft. So beautiful,” he said as he traced his fingers along the nape of my neck, undoing the strings that held my jumpsuit in place. I shivered at his words, amazed that they could have such an effect on me so quickly. Already I could feel my body reacting, and he had done so little. Atik was a force of nature, and I felt overpowered by him.
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