17 Cocks had no taste per se; come did. They came uncircumcised or cut, although the latter were few and far between since the local Jewish population had been decimated in WWII. Each one was different in length, thickness, appearance and smell. Mimi was unconcerned. It kept them out of her pants and, her nipples proving particularly insensitive, she didn’t overly mind their rough, often drunken hands grazing, twisting her nipples or kneading her small breasts. It made her popular, paid for drinks or cinema or club tickets. A cock was a cock. In a way, she felt, it wasn’t even connected to the man. Just a transaction. You want to be sucked; so OK, I’ll suck you but don’t expect any more. She had no regular boyfriend, just men whose cocks she didn’t mind taking in her mouth for the comfort of their company.
18 Beretta.
Sig Sauer.
Colt.
Luger.
Smith & Wesson.
Sawn-off shotgun.
Digitalis.
Cyanide.
Strangulation.
Smothering under a pillow.
Swiss army knife.
Asphyxiation.
Carbon monoxide emissions.
Death by drowning.
Methods of revenge.
In search of the perfect murder.
19 She’d suck their cocks with her eyes closed. Almost pretending she was blind, her tongue moving over the head, licking the ridge, imagining the shades of pink, brown and purple of the aroused mushroom inside her cheeks. She would tease the opening, the slit, with the pointed tip of her foraging tongue, feel the tremor of lust surging through the man’s body as she did so and retreat in time before he came so that the flow of hot ejaculate would either fall over her tongue or, preferably, outside her retreating mouth. Some guys came too fast, some couldn’t and she would learn to finish them off by hand. But she learned to enjoy sucking cock. Even took some pride in her growing skills and the occasional compliment proffered.
20 Then came Nicky. She was the sister of one of his best friends and they somehow drifted together. Light brown hair and cheekbones to kill for. Short and square-assed and prone to awful mood swings. At first, she was head over heels in love with him; he advised caution and patience. By the time he realized he loved her too, her own ardour had quietened and they faded apart following summer holidays spent separated. Bad timing, he reckoned and began writing crime stories in which the perfect crime always came undone because of a lack of attention to small details and deep-seated psychological flaws.
21 Of course, she pined for actual sex, but Mimi was determined to wait for the right man, the right occasion. She wanted it to be so absolutely right. Even a blow job queen can be romantic. And six years is a lot of blow jobs and cocks in your mouth.
22 After Nicky, there were others. After all, he wasn’t unattractive and was particularly fluent and articulate, even displayed a witty sense of humour when the darkness didn’t dominate his soul. There was Marie-Jo, followed by Anne and then Danielle, who was absolutely wild and insatiable and even, one night, moved from their shared bed to join an ex-boyfriend who was staying over in the next room where their noisy sex kept him awake for the rest of the night. His first two men a night woman. For weeks, he would mentally kick himself for not having joined them which he realized she wouldn’t have minded. Another obsession took root of a threesome with two men both servicing the same woman.
23 So Mimi drifted through the final years of her teens, desultorily moving from school to menial part-time jobs with a live now, pay later attitude to life and that infuriating smile ever draped across her face. Often doubting her purpose, neither happy nor unhappy, aimless in a quiet way. Somehow inside she knew there was something better waiting for her around the corner. So, she made her way down the road. Life wasn’t bad after all: there was music, there was vodka, there was the flattering attentions of younger and older men, there was the beach at Nidas with its fine yellow sand, and the never unpleasant feel, texture and sensation of warm cocks as she swallowed them and offered a willing harbour to men’s lust. Mimi was patient, seldom worried about tomorrow.
24 He tried whores but they never engaged his heart and their embraces were too mechanical and unfeeling. He travelled. Prospered. Even one day married and settled down. The epiphany and beauty of babies briefly assuaged his unhappiness, but children grow and always disappoint to some extent, he discovered. And that hole in his heart, first opened by Catherine Guinard’s treachery, kept aching and reminding him of all the roads never taken. Often, he would serenade himself to sleep with a monotonous litany that endlessly conjugated all the “what ifs” of his life so far.
25 Mimi had been mixing with a group of friends attending the science faculty of the local university and, one balmy summer, met up with a bunch of young Belgian students who’d come to the city for exchange summer classes. Serge was the first man to make her heart leap. They paired off most evenings and she even introduced him to her family and he became a regular guest at their dinner table. She liked his cock, long and thin, somehow devoid of the rough vulgarity of most of the local boys’ penises, she felt. One night, she invited him back to her room but somehow couldn’t find the courage to go all the way with the Belgian boy and, after fellating him, found herself content with sleeping naked against him in the small bed, feeling his warmth permeate her to the core. Drifting off into the lands of sleep, she swore to herself that this was the first man she would let herself be fucked by.
26 Serge returned to his studies in Belgium when summer ended and they began corresponding in broken English.
27 She took a job in the administrative offices of the chocolate factory and took night classes in English in order to communicate better with her foreign boyfriend. She would still suck other men’s cocks on Saturday night after the dance, if they really insisted, but Mimi felt detached from the act now, already planning a nebulous sort of future. Serge wanted them to spend the following summer together after his graduation. He wrote that he was saving his money up for this already. She had agreed.
28 He drifted into his first affair almost by accident. Then further opportunities for unfaithfulness arose. An American tourist one night in Athens with whom he had anal sex (Danielle, albeit willing, had been too tight). Someone at the office. Another woman at a trade fair. The satisfaction of illicit sex was transitory, and never lasted very long, but what surprised him most was that he felt no guilt.
29 The Belgian boy sent her a plane ticket to London and met her at Gatwick. When she noticed him waiting for her outside the luggage hall, she somehow remembered him as sweeter and more attractive. Mimi sighed. But she was now committed to this holiday. He had liquidated all his savings and had arranged a package to a Thai beach. The plane to the Far East left in 36 hours; in the meantime, he had booked a hotel room in London. So, Mimi lost her virginity in Bloomsbury. She was too tight and screamed in agony as she lowered herself onto his jutting cock and tore herself apart. She bled profusely and felt no pleasure this time. The water in the bathroom when she washed afterwards was tepid. Sleeping against the snoring man, she felt no affinity with him any longer. He had already become a stranger.
30 He dreams of death. In dark alleys, in western shoot-outs, in soiled beds. He remembers his mother’s cancer and darkness like a cloud settles over him. Publicly, he is affable and successful, always has the right turn of phrase to make a woman smile and get into bed with him. But he’s on automatic pilot, wanting ever more out of life.
31 The beach was a sheer vision of paradise following the long, dusty journey by bus from Bangkok. Lying in the sun wearing the brand new green bikini he had bought her in London, Mimi lives again. The sex with him, every morning and afternoon and night, is relentless. She no longer feels pain, has been stretched enough to accept his cock inside her, but he is always the one to initiate it. At the end of the first week, her cunt is sore, inside and outside from all the pounding she has to submit to. She realizes she is now paying the price of the holiday. He seems happy, unworri
ed that all his money has gone and has been spent on her and this tropical idyll. She knows she is using him, but the thought comes easy. He doesn’t even want blow jobs, goes straight for the missionary position and fucking her.
32 He meets Edwina at a professional function and, despite his better judgement, the uncontrollable lust he feels for her turns to head over heels passion following their first fuck. She is tall, blonde of course, also married, but the sex between them is both wild and tender and out of control. For the first time, he feels fulfilled and loses contact with the emptiness that was laying waste to his guts. She takes him into her mouth on the first occasion they go to bed; they make love on floors, tables and in hotel bath tubs. He ties her hands and she flushes with delight. He breaches her sphincter ring with two fingers and she squirms and moans like no woman ever has before for him. He makes plans. Wants to take her to Cap d’Agde, New York, Barcelona, Bangkok. Promises her the world and more. He loves to watch the scarlet pool of her orgasmic flush spread from cheeks to chest while she lies there still dripping his juices in the penumbra of the room, the smell of their exertions and the echo of their whispered obscenities still hanging like a stain in the atmosphere. He is reborn.
33 Following Thailand, Serge accompanies her back to Estonia before returning to Belgium where he is due to begin his apprenticeship in a lawyer’s office. Mimi’s family are delighted by the fact she has a good-looking, responsible foreign boyfriend. Arrangements are made for her to visit him and his parents for the Christmas holiday. Mimi acquiesces, allows others to make all the decisions. When he is gone, she doesn’t miss him and goes back to her routine of bestowing blow jobs on Saturday nights to her escort for the day. One Saturday, she drinks too much at a party and a Pole fucks her roughly in the tunnel near the railway station. But she goes to Bruges for the holiday. On Christmas Eve, her Belgian boyfriend introduces her to a Dutch acquaintance of his. The next day, Mimi moves out of his place and follows the Dutchman back to Holland. He has a beard, works for a business magazine and is ten years older than she is. Six months later, she is pregnant by him. Even precisely remembers the occasion it happened: the day they were both drunk and he had mounted her at the bottom of the stairs and smacked her bottom until it hurt. After she announced her pregnancy to him, he would use this as an excuse to fuck her repeatedly in the arse. But she wanted the baby, she really did, so she kept silent and allowed Marcel, the Dutch man, to dominate and use her.
34 Edwina returns to her husband and breaks off the affair. He is gutted. Never even saw it coming, or rather intentionally misread all the signs. He drowns his sorrow by listening to melancholy music with the volume turned up to maximum, conjuring a soundtrack for his imaginary tragedy and he dreams of death. Her death in a thousand and one circumstances, as he’d rather she was dead than no longer his. Her husband’s death in cunningly plotted scenarios. His own wife’s, even. But the thoughts of revenge come to nothing. He is aware he is too much of a coward to do anything about it.
35 Following the birth of her baby boy, Mimi declares to Marcel she is no longer in love or even in the least attracted to him any longer. She refuses all further sexual contact. The authorities give her Dutch nationality and a passport and benefits. Everything about Marcel now disgusts her and she sleeps with the child in the spare bedroom of his canal side house, half an hour’s drive from Amsterdam. He has lost his job in a reshuffle and now pens freelance pieces from home while he attempts to start up a small business. He doesn’t understand her change of attitude and resents it. Secretly she plots to leave the house they uncomfortably now share and applies to the council for her own place. He strongly opposes this.
36 Still emotionally damaged by the affair with Edwina, he stumbles almost by mistake onto an Internet chat room and soon begins new affairs with women he meets there. He is a man to whom words come easily and his voice over the phone was knowingly seductive. There was an overweight opera singer in New York. Then came an American banker in Paris who delighted in cybersex of the highest and kinkiest calibre but lied about her identity and never turned up for their assignment before disappearing altogether from view. Later came a woman in the south of France, who had five children, no husband, but looked too much like his own sister for him to even contemplate seeing her again following their sweaty weekend together.
37 Mimi loved her baby dearly but still she knew something was missing from her life. While Marcel was out, she would play around on his computer and, after typing in the words “sex” and “love” into a search engine, landed in an adult chat forum and began flirting with other men there. In her naivety, she never lied to them, always revealing who she was, her approximate whereabouts, even on occasion her mobile telephone number and the nature, of her circumstances. They came running. Even faster once she scanned a colour photo of herself taken the previous summer on the deck of Marcel’s canal boat.
38 All the men Mimi met on the Internet wanted to meet her. Although her written English was halting and riddled with mistakes, she enjoyed cybersex and graded her suitors by the imagination they displayed in their virtual embraces and sundry penetrations and variations on positions. She had never realized before how much the power of words could affect her imagination, and was surprised how wet she would often become, sitting there at the keyboard, her mind racing from situation to situation, imagining what the sex would be like in real life. She met a banker from Zurich. He was particularly imaginative. He amused her. He came to Amsterdam. She arranged to meet him, leaving the baby with Marcel. After dinner, she followed him back to his hotel room at the Krasnapolsky and they fucked.
39 Muted rumblings from the brass section emerge towards the back of the normally plaintive melody, interrupting his smooth, sad flow. The pace of the song, the music quickens.
40 They meet online. He is “melancholy”, she is “estonian girl”. He declines her offer to have cybersex. She is surprised. He explains how words alone don’t make it for them. They talk. His curiosity is piqued. She tells him her story. He tells her his. They speak daily, although there are times when she ignores him when he pages her. No doubt too busy indulging in virtual sex with others to pull herself away. But the dialogue continues over several weeks. He is being cautious, doesn’t want to run before he can walk. She is intrigued by his reticence. The day after her Hotel Krasnapolsky tryst, she reveals excitedly that the man in Zurich wishes her to come live with him in Switzerland, and she can even take the baby with her. Will she? he asks. Yes, she answers, no one has made a better offer and it’s a chance to start all over again maybe. He nods, facing the lines on his computer screen scrolling up and up until they are out of reach. He wishes her good luck and absent-mindedly hopes they will somehow stay in touch. He files her photograph away in an old folder, believing this is the last he will hear of Mimi.
41 Marcel is furious when she informs him she is leaving to live with another man in Zurich; he makes dire threats, forbids her to take their child. He hits her on the face in the heat of the argument. She waits until he goes shopping to leave and takes a cab to Amsterdam Central railway station. The apartment in Zurich is beautiful and for a few days Mimi feels she has taken the right decision to travel here. But soon, the sexual demands of the Swiss banker become more extreme the moment the child has fallen asleep. He wants her to become his submissive. This goes against her nature. He orders her to keep her sexual parts shaven at all time although it sometimes brings her out in a rash, and buys leather harnesses and enjoys taking photographs of Mimi in revealing positions. He wants her to wear a dog collar and announces he will take her to parties as his slave, and might actually allow her to be used by other men in his presence if he feels so inclined to share her. Reveals that her cock sucking talents are indeed superior and should be demonstrated to the world at large. He gets uncommonly angry when she moves furniture or things around in the apartment. She finds him increasingly petty, and dangerous. She leaves Zurich in haste and lands back on Marcel’s doorstep in Holland only t
wo and a half weeks following her initial flight
42 Severely addicted, he continues to haunt the Internet chat rooms. Fascinated by the number of people who profess to be bisexual online, his mind wanders over risky waters and, one day, out of sheer curiosity indulges in his first man to man oral experience. It is not totally unpleasant.
43 Mimi apologizes profusely to Marcel for her escapade to Zurich but stands firm when it comes to resuming sexual relations. Her ex-boyfriend and father of her child just no longer attracts her in the slightest. She will accept his hospitality until the day she is given her own accommodation by the authorities, and remain in his house for the sake of their little boy. His anger gets out of control. She has to flee his blows several times and one day, furious at having to listen to her flirt over the phone with an internet acquaintance, he attacks her and rapes her. Mimi stays passive and when he finally withdraws from her, Marcel is in tears and begs her to have another child with him. She refuses.
44 Mimi sends an e-mail to the man in London. Somehow she still thinks of him warmly. Explains that Zurich didn’t work out after all. He answers and they resume their conversations, online and over the phone. He makes arrangements to stop over in Amsterdam for a night and a day on his way to an academic conference in Warsaw. He books a small hotel by a canal near the station through his travel agent. They agree to meet for dinner nearby. He, naturally, hopes for more but doesn’t count on it. Mimi tells Marcel she will be away overnight staying with a girlfriend.
45 She is taller than he expected. Conversely, she finds him shorter than she somehow thought from their conversations and mutual self descriptions. She is also prettier. There is a delicacy about her, a gentle sadness also, which allied to her peculiar accent and ever-present smile, make him feel all shy. The meal comes and goes, spoiled only by the boisterous company of a large table of office workers nearby. They walk back to his hotel. He doesn’t ask her up, but she follows him silently into the lift. The door closes and he slowly moves his lips towards hers and they kiss. She remains standing as he undresses her, slipping off her panties and burying his nose and mouth in the short, matted hair of her cunt. He likes her taste. She thrills to the firm but gentle caress of his tongue opening her up. She comes. He is still fully dressed. They move to the bed.
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