by Fiona Lowe
Although he’d never admit it out loud, the fact Hayley had accepted his invitation to be his guest had mitigated some of his concerns about attending. She, unlike most people, had the knack of knowing when he needed the hated assistance and when he didn’t. Well, most of the time. She’d both crossed the line and shocked him when she’d suggested a guide dog. He’d thought she understood how important it was to him that he be totally independent.
Now, under the thread of his controlled anxiety about the evening was a simmer of anticipation. Hayley was fun to be with and her presence would temper any boring speeches that might be part of the event, given that Guy Laurent was retiring. Tom could remember attending lectures given by ‘The Prof’ when he’d been a med student and Parkes wouldn’t be quite the same without him.
‘It’s a formal affair because a hundred and fifty years ago, when the first dinner was held, the tuxedo was de rigueur and you would have had a valet to dress you,’ Hayley said. ‘Besides, some traditions are worth holding on to. Plus, it fits in with Parkes’s amazing sandstone cloisters and the dining room with its high vaulted ceiling.’
She sounded almost wistful and the rustle of material as she stood up evoked a bygone era. ‘But most importantly …’ she gave a wicked laugh ‘… it makes all the men look as sexy as hell.’
‘So you plan on scoping out the talent this evening, do you?’ He’d intended the words to come out as joke, but they sounded unexpectedly tight and if they were to be awarded a colour, it would have been green.
‘Absolutely.’
Her smoky voice rode on top of a cloud of musky sandalwood scent, which wrapped around him as she stepped in close. The deeper and sexier evening fragrance was a delicious assault on his nostrils and in stark contrast to her more innocent summer-fresh scent of flowers with a citrus tang. His pulse quickened.
Hayley’s fingers brushed his neck as she pulled the material of the tie toward her and he moved with it, his lips meeting hers in a kiss she immediately deepened.
His arms instantly wrapped around her waist and he matched the kiss, wanting nothing more than to tear whatever she was wearing off her and follow the trail of that intoxicating scent. He broke off the kiss, the thought of staying in with Hayley burning strong. ‘We could just stay home.’
‘And waste my one opportunity of the year to get out of scrubs and wear a dress? I don’t think so.’
Her knuckles brushed his skin as her fingers tied and tugged at the bow tie. ‘There you go. Now you’re complete. You look all dark and decadent, like a man of mystery.’
‘And what do you look like?’ His hands settled on her hips, and then dropped lower, fisting into an ocean of soft, filmy material he couldn’t name. He then trailed upwards, across a tight fitted bodice that outlined the nip of her waist and the swell of her breasts and then his fingers touched skin. Warm, smooth skin that dipped and rose until his fingers nestled between her breasts. He swallowed hard and his voice came out hoarse. ‘Strapless?’
She laughed. ‘Totally strapless. It’s black with a band of white satin at the top of the bodice so I match you in black and white.’
An ache unlike anything he’d ever experienced took hold of him. ‘I wish I could see you.’
She caught his hands and placed one on her back and one on her chest and her voice came out soft and low. ‘You’ve already seen more of me than I’ve ever shown anyone.’
Her words vibrated deep down inside him before echoing back and he realised that over the last few weeks he’d shared more about himself with her than he’d ever shared with any other person. He hadn’t intended that to happen—it just had. She’d slipped into his life and into his home with an ease that stunned him. Since arriving back in Sydney, his home had been his sanctuary from the world—the one place he could really relax. He’d thought Hayley would damage that and he’d be spending more time at work, but instead she’d made his home even more of a refuge. Just lately he’d even had moments of wondering what it might be like if she stayed.
Great sex every night.
Huh! In your dreams. If you ask her to stay it will turn into your worst nightmare with her thinking white dresses, redecorating and babies.
Children?
The thought rolled around in his head with burgeoning roots, eagerly trying to find a place to settle. A slight tremor of panic ruffled his equilibrium.
His watch beeped seven o’clock, interrupting his anomalous daydream and bringing him firmly back to the present. ‘I told Jared we’d get a taxi because he had a party to go to so we’d better head downstairs. Are you ready to go?’
She slid her arm along his. ‘I’m all yours.’
Hayley watched Tom walking across the empty dance floor on his way back to their table, his shoulders square and his face stern, but she knew it was from concentration, not ill-humour. He’d been tense when they’d arrived earlier in the evening, but she’d quietly given him the layout of the room and once they’d taken their seats for dinner, he’d relaxed. It had been Tom, with his humour and entertaining stories, who had been the glue at their table, setting everyone at ease and making her laugh along with the rest of the guests. She could hardly believe she’d thought him taciturn and rude when she’d first met him.
Tonight had been pretty much perfect. Tom had kept his arm draped casually over the back of her chair for most of the evening and more than once his fingers had caressed her bare shoulders in a public display of affection she hadn’t ever expected in her wildest dreams. She hugged it to herself as a sign that perhaps she wasn’t the only one falling in love.
Tom stopped just short of the table. ‘Hayley?’
She rose and crossed to him. ‘Right here. You’ve said your farewells to Guy?’
He nodded. ‘He’s pretty excited about his retirement and takes off for France next week.’
‘Lucky Guy.’
He groaned at the play on words. ‘I think he’s heard that a lot this evening. Are you ready to leave?’
‘Sure, I’ll just grab my things.’ She took five short steps to the chair, picked up her evening bag and wrap, and when she turned back Tom was in conversation with Richard Hewitson, the dean of the school of medicine. She’d chatted to him earlier in the evening.
He nodded at her in recognition. ‘I was just asking Tom if he’d made up his mind.’
‘Oh?’ Hayley had no idea what Richard meant and she glanced at Tom for a clue, but his face was expressionless except for a line of tension along his jaw.
Richard smiled. ‘Guy’s retirement has opened up a spot in the faculty and Tom would bring new vigour to the position, but he’s holding out on us. It would be great if you could convince him to join us on staff.’
Joy for Tom rocked through her and she opened her mouth to speak but Tom got in first.
‘Richard …’ His voice had the ‘don’t push me’ tone, which anyone who knew him well would recognise. ‘I’ll be in touch.’
Richard shook Tom’s hand, completely missing the warning. ‘Looking forward to it, but don’t wait too long.’ He then extended his hand to Hayley. ‘Lovely to meet you and I hope we’ll all be seeing a lot more of each other.’
She quickly murmured her goodbyes and caught up with Tom, who’d already started walking in the direction of the exit with a white-knuckled grip on his cane.
Tom needed to move. He needed to walk off his anger at Richard. The cool outside air hit him the moment he stepped out the door and although he couldn’t see the bare jacaranda trees he remembered how they cast long shadows against the sandstone buildings. As a student he’d often sat in the quad, staring at the clock tower, not quite believing that he’d come so far from Derrybrook and was studying in such hallowed halls. He’d also felt inspired by the sight just before exams and he’d missed his time at university when he’d qualified. But that had been years ago and he wasn’t ready to come back. He couldn’t believe the dean had mentioned the job to Hayley with the sole intent of forcing him to make a decisio
n quickly.
Hayley’s feet slowed. ‘Did you call a taxi?’
‘No.’ His raw and restless energy surged. ‘It’s not far. Can you walk home in your shoes?’
‘They’re high but comfortable but I won’t be striding out.’ Her hand touched his elbow. ‘Which way do we go?’
He turned forty-five degrees and started walking. ‘Straight down The Avenue, through Graffiti Pass—’
‘Is it lit at night?’
‘Yes. And then out onto the main road. It’s only five minutes from there.’
‘That will be handy if you decide to take the job.’
He swung his cane in wide arcs, knowing this route home well. ‘I won’t be taking it.’
‘Why not?’
He heard her surprise and it bit him. ‘Because it’s beneath me.’
‘You’re going to have to explain that to me.’
‘You think I should take a job teaching anatomy and physiology to first-year medical students?’
‘You’d be really good at it.’
‘I’d hate it.’ He stabbed the ground with his cane. ‘I was a neurosurgeon, for God’s sake. I should be lecturing in neurology at the very least.’
‘Guy lectured in other areas. Perhaps this is just a starting position.’ Her mild tone meant she was working hard not to sound cross. ‘Look at the positives. It’s a professorship at a prestigious university connected to one of the world’s best teaching hospitals. It would open up all sorts of opportunities for you. Given that you can no longer operate, this is about as perfect as it gets.’
He railed against her common-sense words. ‘It isn’t bloody perfect. It’s settling.’ He stopped suddenly, his anger having taken over so much that he’d forgotten to count steps and he had no clue where he was.
As if she could read his thoughts Hayley said, ‘Graffiti Pass. Four steps down.’
‘I know.’ He ground out the words, cross with himself and furious at the world.
‘Of course you do.’ Her voice softened. ‘Tom, let’s just walk and we can talk about this when we get home.’
‘Let’s not.’ He moved away from her, tapping down the four steps, and continued into the tunnel, hearing the echo of Hayley’s steps behind him. Then he heard the sound of running feet. He stopped because the sound was bouncing off the concrete walls and he wasn’t certain if the running was coming from behind him or in front of him. He moved to the side.
The noise got louder and the next moment pain exploded in his gut and then in his shoulder. He tumbled backwards and as he hit the wet and gritty floor of the tunnel, he realised he’d just been punched and pushed.
‘Hey!’ Hayley’s yell reverberated around him.
The running feet stalled for a moment and then Hayley’s scream tore through him like a jagged knife. Fear poured through him, burning like acid. Was she hurt? Had she been knifed? Had she been dragged off?
He pushed himself to his knees, primal fear driving him. He had to help her. Protect her. ‘Hayley!’
No one replied. All he could hear were the echoes of the running feet being joined by other, sharper echoes. Shock rendered his fledgling echolocation inadequate and he stretched out his hand, trying to find his cane. He needed the damn thing more than ever. Needed it to help Hayley. Something sharp sliced into his hand, but he didn’t care, he kept on feeling, spreading his hands over what was probably broken glass in an ever-increasing circle, but all he could feel was the floor of the tunnel.
You can’t protect her. You can’t even find a bloody cane.
The thought barrelled into him hard and fast, sucking his breath from his lungs and drenching him in cold sweat.
You’re totally useless to her.
Hayley dabbed the cuts on Tom’s hand with antiseptic and tried to infuse some lightness into her voice after the shock of seeing him being pushed to the ground. He’d been eerily quiet from the moment she’d handed him his cane in the underpass and, despite having had a shower and a finger of whisky, he still seemed detached and a million miles away from her. Shock could do that.
‘The police say it’s unlikely they’ll catch whoever snatched my bag, but at least the bastard only got a cheap phone with a crappy ringtone and ten dollars.’
Tom didn’t reply. She put a plaster over the deepest cut and then kissed his hand. ‘I’ve removed all the gravel so they should heal up fast.’
‘Thank you.’ A muscle twitched under his left eye as he put his hands in his lap. ‘I should never have suggested we walk home.’
‘We walk most places. It’s one of the things I love about inner-city living.’ She rose and walked around the table, putting her hands on his shoulders and dropping her head onto his. ‘What happened tonight was not your fault. It was just one of those things. The underpass was well lit and there’s security all over the campus. I think this guy just made a split-second decision.’
He gave a snort of derision. ‘Because I was blind.’
The bitterness in his voice dried her mouth. ‘Because we were in evening dress and we looked rich.’ She wanted him to put his hand up and touch her cheek, like he often did, but he sat perfectly still like he was carved out of stone and she could feel her reassurances just sliding off him.
She walked around and picked up his hands and then leaned in, pressing her lips to his forehead. ‘I’m just glad you weren’t seriously hurt. It’s really late so let’s go to bed. Tomorrow’s a new day.’
He shook his head. ‘You go.’
A skitter of unease shot through her. Not once in all their time together had he ever said no to her when she’d suggested they go to bed, no matter the time of day or night. ‘I sleep better with you when it’s dark.’ She snuggled onto his lap and ran her finger along his lips. ‘Not that I intend to go to sleep right away.’
He started to rise, effectively tipping her off his lap. ‘You can’t depend on me to sleep, Hayley. You can’t depend on me for anything.’
His words carried the sting of a slap and her heart cramped. ‘Tom, what’s going on?’
He’d walked over to the couch and gripped the back with his hand. ‘You could have been seriously hurt tonight and I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.’
His feelings mirrored hers. ‘I saw you get pushed to the ground and I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it either. I agree it was horrible.’
He swung back toward her, the movement stiff. ‘You’re deliberately being obtuse. If I’d been able to see, I would have made sure you were protected.’
She crossed the room and put her arms around him, wanting to disabuse him of the thought. ‘You don’t know that for a fact. It all happened so fast and every day the paper’s full of assaults on sighted people who can’t defend themselves or the people they’re with during an attack.’ She stroked his face. ‘But I love that you wanted to protect me.’
‘Of course I want to protect you.’
His granite expression had softened and his quietly spoken words lined up perfectly with all the care and concern he’d showered her with over recent weeks.
He’s made the leap too. He loves you.
Sheer joy expanded her heart so much she almost cried and she kissed him deeply. Then the words she’d been saying silently to herself for days slipped out. ‘I love you, Tom.’
For a tiny moment panic closed her throat. Had she misconstrued his words? But Tom didn’t stiffen or pull away. Instead, he brought his hand up to her hair and caressed it gently before breathing in deeply as if he was inhaling part of her to keep.
He kissed her hair. ‘My Hayley.’
My Hayley. She was his. She rested her head on his shoulder and gave a blissful sigh, knowing that he loved her and they belonged together. The future rolled out in front of her like a magic carpet—the two of them together and sharing life’s journey. She’d never known such happiness and it swam through her, warming her until she was bathed in a rosy glow.
He slowly brought his hands to rest on her arms and then he set
her apart from him. ‘I think it’s best if you move out tomorrow.’
Her knees sagged in shock and her chest refused to move. She scanned his face but couldn’t read it. Of all the words she’d expected him to say, those weren’t among them. ‘You … you want me to leave?’
He gave a curt nod, his expression blank. ‘It’s been fun, Hayley, but it’s over.’
A million thoughts zoomed around in her head but none of them fully formed because all the foundations had been stripped away. ‘I don’t understand. You just said “my Hayley”. I thought you loved me.’
‘Love’s got nothing to do with it.’ He sounded ragged and worn out. ‘You and I are never going to work.’
A surge of hope pushed her shock aside momentarily and she sought to clarify his words. ‘But you do love me?’
‘I don’t know.’ He ran his hand through his chocolate-noir hair and his face sagged, making his five o’clock shadow darker than ever. ‘Love wasn’t in my house when I was growing up, and the lack of it ruined my mother’s life. Being with someone isn’t something I’ve ever wanted, and being with you is the closest I’ve ever come to that.’
I don’t know. She tried not to let his words wound and instead concentrated on trying to hear what he was really saying. ‘So you’ve thought about us being together in the future?’
‘Occasionally.’
Hope shot up. That’s better than never. Build on that. ‘When you thought about us, what were we doing?’
A mellow smile softened his expression but then his mouth hardened. ‘There’s no point talking about this, Hayley. I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship and added to that I’m now blind. Tonight just made everything more clear to me and ably demonstrated that I can’t protect you, let alone children.’
She gasped, totally stunned as her heart did somersaults. ‘You’ve thought about us having children?’
His bladed cheeks sharpened. ‘Only how they’d be in danger with me and I wouldn’t be able to be a proper father and take care of them.’ His fist slammed into his palm with a slap. ‘Hell, they could walk out the door and I wouldn’t know they’d gone. We wouldn’t work, Hayley.’
