He’d brushed it off.
And that had made her think hard.
Luke didn’t go to church with his family. He didn’t take Aiden to church. He didn’t talk about God or faith except in the past tense.
Not all Christians were churchgoers. Rainey respected that. Folks were entitled to keep their faith their own way. But the thought of no faith...
Heart heavy, she went to bed, knowing she and Luke needed to have a serious discussion. She’d come too far with God’s help to take life and love casually. Her faith sustained her, and she wouldn’t take that lightly. She went to bed, praying she was wrong, knowing she wasn’t. And she hated how much that hurt.
* * *
“Hillary.” Luke finished feeding the ewe and her rapidly growing lambs as his sister-in-law approached him from the driveway Sunday afternoon. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I know. I’m pretty sure I’m not welcome here right now, but I had to talk to you.”
She drew a deep breath and studied the barn and the animal pens, but Luke suspected she wasn’t seeing them. She was going back three years to that dreadful day when her sister had disappeared. “I heard what they did to your girlfriend’s booth at the festival.”
His girlfriend. Put that way, it sounded sophomoric, which may have been what Hillary intended. Was Rainey his girlfriend?
No, she was more. But how could she be more after so short a time?
“Yes?”
“I’ve handled this whole thing badly,” Hillary confessed. “And that’s my fault for wanting to fix things for you. And for me. The thought of Martha gone makes me crazy sometimes, even after all this time. It shouldn’t, should it, Luke? But every holiday, every birthday, every special occasion seems wrong without her here to share it.”
Her expression said more than her words. She wanted absolution, to be forgiven for her sister’s choice. So did he. Only it wasn’t forthcoming. “Me, too.”
“Really?” Her single word said his honesty helped. “Because you’re always so strong. So focused. I’ve been clinging to that, to you and Aiden, because I can’t talk to our parents. They want to blame someone, anyone, and they’re still full of questions that have no answers. I can’t handle that talk anymore. I started going to a therapist last week.”
Luke nodded.
“I realized I wasn’t helping things by babying Aiden, that you were right about that—”
“You mean Rainey was right.”
Her face went still as she contemplated his words, but eventually she went on. “I guess. But I want you to know I respect your choices with Aiden. You’re his father and I know you want what’s best for him. But then when I heard what happened at the festival, I wondered where Aiden fit into this whole thing.”
She waved a hand toward the west shore. “What if the next time people don’t stop at vandalism? What if her old crowd targets you? Or Aiden? I heard some of them are angry because the girl that really held up the convenience store will probably go to jail. It might have been a long time ago, but the sins of the past come back to haunt us, Luke. Are you willing to risk your son?”
She stepped back. “I’m not telling you what to do, but there are a lot of people still angry with what Rainey’s friends did back then. And they don’t think much of mothers leaving their children for years, either. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for what happened at your parents’ place, and I’ll make sure it never happens again. And I’m asking you if you’ll let me see Aiden now and again. Please?”
Luke hated to say no, but he wasn’t sure about saying yes, either. “Aiden loves you, Hillary,” he admitted. “You’ll always be his aunt. But you have to be willing to let him grow up. Try new things. And you can’t talk badly about Rainey around him. Ever. Being a deputy puts me in in touch with some sketchy characters every day, from hard-core criminals to low-life vandals. In all my years I don’t think I’ve ever met a person with a truer heart than Rainey’s, regardless of her past. Yes, she’s made mistakes. But so have we. Right?”
Hillary’s face showed doubt, but she shrugged. “Some mistakes are more serious than others, Luke.”
He knew that. He’d married a woman who’d chosen death over life with him. With their son. He swallowed hard and faced her. “If you want to see Aiden, it’s got to be on my terms, Hillary. Are you all right with that?”
“I am.”
Luke nodded. “We’ll set something up. He’s doing a Thanksgiving play and then a Christmas concert at school. You and your parents are welcome to come, of course. But if you and your folks want to take him for a little while over Thanksgiving, we’ll arrange that. Saturday of that weekend would be good for me. Okay?”
Her expression said his offer fell short of what she wanted, but she accepted it gracefully. “Yes. I’ll talk with Mom and Dad and we’ll plan a fun day for him. Thank you, Luke.”
He finished taking care of the animals once she’d left, then went inside to wash up before going to his parents’ for dinner.
Hillary wanted to make amends. Could he trust her to be discreet about her feelings for Rainey?
She’d raised a valid point. What if someone targeted Aiden in an attempt to hurt Rainey? Rainey had friends and enemies on both sides of the law. Her old crowd thought of her as a traitor. The police force saw her as a helper, because she’d blown the lid on a rough crime ring of cops, mobsters and politicians. But that meant there were still people who might like to see Rainey suffer. Would those people act out on innocent children?
He didn’t know, but he’d seen the destruction at the festival, and he’d been a cop a long time. For some folks, vandalism was as far as they’d go. For others it was a stepping stone. Luke wasn’t sure which they were dealing with. Recognizing that, was he wrong to put his son in harm’s way?
Yes.
Did that mean he should give up thoughts of a future with Rainey? With her girls? Would they all be better off apart?
Probably. But that didn’t mean he wanted it.
* * *
Rainey dialed the pastor’s number once the girls were in bed that night. She needed unbiased advice, and the reverend and his wife had been good to her from her first day back. He answered and didn’t seem surprised to have her call him on a Sunday evening. “Reverend Smith, it’s Rainey McKinney. Do you have some time?”
“I was just telling Mother that company would be a nice thing tonight. Come straight over.”
His graciousness warmed her. She was pretty sure he and Mrs. Smith would have enjoyed a quiet Sunday evening on their own, but his invitation meant a great deal to Rainey. “I’ll be right there.” She drove to the lakeside village, parked her mother’s car in the church lot and walked up to the small, unassuming rectory.
“I’ve put water on for tea.” Mrs. Smith shepherded Rainey into the house, settled her on a sofa, then set a box of tissues and a plate of cookies on the table in front of her. “Covering all the bases, dear.” She smiled at the cookies and tissues. “Most folks appreciate both.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Smith. And you don’t have to go,” Rainey told her. “I don’t have anything to say that you can’t both hear.”
Mrs. Smith sent her husband a questioning look.
“It’s fine, dear. Sit with us. So, Rainey.” Reverend Smith sat down and leaned forward, hands clenched. “Let me start off by saying you’ve already come further than anyone thought, and quicker, too. So no matter what’s on your mind, Mother and I want you to know we’re glad you’re back. And we’re proud of you.”
Their kindness softened her heart, but she had known both of them since childhood. They were also honest and direct, two qualities she needed right now. “I have a problem.”
The pastor nodded. “Go ahead.”
“You know me. You understand how far I sank into the abyss. But
I’ve worked hard to hang on to God, faith, work and common sense. I’ve tried to become the daughter my mother deserved all along, but now I’m at a bend in the road.”
The pastor’s eyes invited her to continue. She sighed, clasped her hands and met their looks of compassion. “I’m in love with Luke Campbell.”
Reverend Smith exchanged a glance with his wife and rubbed a hand to his jaw. “Luke is a good man.”
“He is. But he’s not a believer. He has no faith. And I can’t enter into a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t share my beliefs in God.”
“But you want to enter a serious relationship with him?” Mrs. Smith asked, and Rainey nodded.
“Yes. I keep holding back, knowing it’s wrong, knowing I need to follow God’s word and my conscience.” She stared at her hands, then raised her gaze to theirs. “My heart longs for him. He’s funny, he’s kind, he’s so nice to the girls that it makes my heart ache in a good way. But I can’t pretend that faith isn’t important to me. That I can live side by side with a man who doesn’t believe as I do. I know what I was before I clung to God. I can’t risk going back there again. Even for Luke.”
“Ah, Rainey.” The pastor’s grimace said he had no easy answers. “You have so much goodness inside you—”
Rainey scoffed lightly, but he pressed on. “You do. You have always had a giving spirit, but you were such an angry child. Angry at your mother for having you, angry about not having a father. And then you got mad at her for bringing you here from Texas, for changing everything in your life. She didn’t know how to channel that anger, and you drifted apart.”
“I remember.”
“But do you also remember that in your anger, you still protected others? First, that girl who robbed the store. You took her place in jail so she could have her baby in freedom.”
“A baby that was never born,” Rainey reminded him, but the pastor waved that off.
“You didn’t know that. You took the noble road at great personal cost. You are no stranger to selflessness. We recognize that.” He nodded to his wife. “Lucia knows that, as well. Others will understand in time. But to jump into a relationship with Luke could have serious consequences. He is still wrestling with guilt and anger over his wife’s death.”
The pastor was right. Rainey had seen the despair in Luke’s face. Martha’s death had hit him hard.
“He is very protective of those he loves, but in your case, that could become a problem for both of you. I would like nothing better than to say yes, go forth, and be married, but I don’t dare. Not knowing you as I do.”
“Because of my weaknesses.”
“No, Rainey.” He shook his head and his expression became grave. “Because of his. And until he comes to grips with the past, I don’t believe Luke can fully love in the present.”
The reverend was right. She hated the truth, but it couldn’t be denied, so she grabbed a clump of Mrs. Smith’s tissues, dried the tears that had tracked down her cheeks, and hauled in a deep, cleansing breath. “So. What do I do?”
The pastor leaned forward earnestly. “You do exactly what you’ve been doing, child. You pray. God chooses the unlikely for a reason.”
She frowned at him.
“Surrounded by tax collectors, traitors, women of the streets and fishermen. Oh, yes.” The pastor’s smile widened. “He chooses the unlikely most frequently, and with good results. You hang on to your faith, and we’ll pray right along with you. Our vision may be limited, but God sees around those bends in the road.”
Rainey knew she needed to ease away from Luke, and she’d avoided that conversation on purpose. But no more. She was strong, with or without Luke Campbell in her life. She just really wished it could have been with him.
* * *
“You’re avoiding me, Rain, but I didn’t get this badge by being a pushover, so I will keep calling. And stopping by. Aiden and I miss you and the girls.”
Luke hadn’t seen Rainey or talked to her in days, and his call had gone straight to voice mail, again.
He’d texted her about getting the kids together. She’d texted back that they were busy.
He’d stopped by the dairy store, but Rainey wasn’t there. He’d gone to the house, had coffee with Lucia and brought home a loaf of banana bread she gave him, but he didn’t see Rainey.
He missed her. It had been less than a week apart, but he longed to talk with her. Laugh with her. Listen to her words of wisdom. Her commonsense approach brightened his days. November was bleak in Western New York, the skies leaden with clouds off Lake Erie. Time with Rainey made the gray days less dreary.
He’d used up his days off to provide the petting zoo at the festival, and he was scheduled to patrol that weekend. That left little time to figure things out with her. But then a text from Rainey came through in the early afternoon. Please meet me at your house after work.
Luke’s heart tightened.
She’d avoided him and now suddenly wanted to talk to him alone, without the kids around. That didn’t bode well. But he’d rather talk than deal with silence. He’d done that with Martha, the long days of quiet, the weeks of sadness, months of emotional separation. He’d dealt with it the best he could, but it hadn’t been enough.
Guilt speared him. He’d loved Martha, but he’d let her down. Maybe he was foolish to risk caring again. He had Aiden to consider.
You have yourself to consider. You messed up once. What makes you think you can get it right this time, especially with Rainey?
He knew his limits better than most, and he still wanted a second chance. Did that make him weak, to desire happiness? Or did it make him selfish?
He drove home after work, wishing he could change things. Her past meant nothing to him, because the woman he cared about—the woman he loved—was the grown-up Rainey, not a teenage kid with anger issues. Surely that would be enough.
* * *
“Hey.” A strong west wind had blown in. Rainey pulled her coat tighter and dashed up the steps to Luke’s side door, the covered porch saving her from the strongest gusts of sleet. “I’m glad we could meet.”
His expression said her words made little sense. “Me, too, except I’ve been trying to get hold of you all week and you’ve been putting me off. What’s going on, Rain?”
Her heart softened at the way he said her name. She toughened it again, knowing her choices were limited, wishing they weren’t.
“Would you like coffee? Or tea?” He motioned to the brewing system on his kitchen countertop.
“No.” She bit her lip, grabbed his hand and drew him into the living room. “Let’s sit. I’m nervous enough and standing is making it worse.”
“All right.” He sat across from her and leaned forward. “What’s up?”
“We started seeing each other because of the kids,” she began, but he interrupted her.
“Except we knew there was more between us at the time. We just didn’t want to admit it. ”
“Yes.” She accepted the truth in his words. “Which is why I set up those first rules, which we managed to break within days.”
His smile broadened. “I like breaking rules with you, Rain. Just thinking about it makes me happy.”
She knew what he meant. Being together. Holding hands. Stealing a kiss. Enjoying a warm embrace. She’d felt so safe in his arms.
She drew in a breath and let it out. “But we can’t do that any longer, Luke. Our children love each other, and they’re good for each other, but you and I live in different worlds and that can’t be in anyone’s best interests.”
“Because you broke the law when you were a kid, and I’m a cop?” He scoffed at the idea. “That’s silly, Rainey. That was a long time ago. It’s over. Done.”
“Not that.” She fingered the tiny cross she wore around her neck. “I came to te
rms with my past. I made peace with God and my family. I came back to Kirkwood Lake ready to begin a new life, no matter what happens.”
“Then why not begin that life together?” He stood, paced the room, then came back to stand in front of her. Gently, he bent and reached for her hand. “Why not share your life with me? Let us start fresh, a new family?”
Tears filled her eyes. She’d known this wouldn’t be easy, but did it have to be this hard? He was offering her his love, his life, his home, his son. It would be so easy to turn a blind eye to God and relax into this good man’s embrace. The Bible made it clear that God wanted his people happy. Couldn’t she cling to that verse? Seeing Luke’s inviting look of love tempted her.
Common sense held her back. “We don’t share a faith, Luke.” She tried to keep her voice even, but a hint of old emotion crept in. “And I remember the person I was without faith.”
“You were a kid, Rainey,” he argued. “We all make mistakes when we’re kids. Can’t we move beyond that together?”
She shook her head, trying to stave off the tears and failing. “I can’t. I know you don’t understand it, and I’ll pray for you all my days, but I can’t risk all that I’ve gained. I love you.”
His face shadowed with disbelief as she covered their joined hands with her free one.
“But we can only be friends, Luke.”
* * *
His heart seized.
He knew what she wanted. The request was scrawled across her face, darkening her eyes, flowing in her tears, imploring him to understand.
She wanted him to cling to God, as she did. But just as he couldn’t take Aiden’s hand in a prayer before meals, he couldn’t pretend to have faith. “I can’t meet you halfway on that ground, Rainey. I know what you’d like, the picture-perfect family that goes to church on Sunday and prays together. But I can’t live a lie. How can I pretend to believe? I can’t, any more than you would want me to.”
“I know.” She nodded and stood. Drew a breath as if fighting to stay calm. Silent tears snaked paths down her cheeks, and his heart broke, knowing he couldn’t give her what she wanted. “I wouldn’t want you to fake it, either.”
The Lawman's Holiday Wish Page 16
