I need to find me.
I love him so much, but not like someone should. I love him for his kindness. I love him for his gentle touch. I love him when he holds me. I’m just not in love with him.
And I fear telling him.
Honestly, he deserves more. He deserves all, and I can’t give it to him. I blamed Emma at first, pretending that if I told him that I wanted what he had with her, he wouldn’t be able to give it to me.
Then we’d break up.
But that’s wrong.
It’s sneaky, and I don’t want to hurt him. Chris is a good, decent man, but his heart belongs to someone else.
My heart…it wants to be free.
So, I’m going to say goodbye. The only thing I’m grateful for is that he doesn’t want to marry me yet. I would hate to break his heart and say no.
I’d have to say yes.
It would kill him to know that I am not in love with him the way I should be.
So, at the cabin, I’ll be honest. I know he’ll never go back there. I know neither will I. Only, I can’t go back to Terrace Glen. I have to move on.
I want my freedom.
All that stands in my way is breaking his heart.
God forgive me.
I am unlovable.’
Greyson closed the journal and glanced over at Chris. He knew how hurt he was. Now he got it.
“Chris.”
“What’s wrong with me?” he asked.
Oh boy.
This was going to suck.
“Why do I never see it coming? Why do I not see these women breaking me? Denise…she had me fooled for years. I never knew she was cheating on me. Natasha…I really thought she was IN love with me. Why am I unlovable?”
He wiped at his eyes.
“Chris, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, me too. Now you know why I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why are you hovering over Emma like a crazy person? You’re worse now than ever.”
“You’ll be mad at me.”
Greyson placed his hand on his leg.
“I won’t.”
“She’s the only woman who’s ever loved me and not pretended. I can trust Emma. I can be myself and she won’t walk away. I’m in love with your wife, and it sucks.”
“Do you want to have sex with her?”
He stared at him.
“Uh, no.”
He laughed.
“Then you’re not in love with Emma. You simply LOVE Emma. In your defense, she’s easy to fall for. I did, you did, Dimitri did…I think my gay brother loves her too. You’re one in a long line of men at this point.”
He laughed.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is if something happens to her, I’ll be alone.”
He hit him.
“Jesus! You could have pulled that a little. I’m a foot from you. That hurt!”
“Are you forgetting someone?” Greyson asked.
“Who?”
“You have me,” Greyson stated.
“Want to make out?” he teased.
Greyson laughed.
“Not if you were the last set of lips on the planet. You are not my type.”
Chris understood.
“I’m no one’s type.”
“She’s out there, Chris. I know she is. Emma loves you too. I know if she never met me, and she met you, she would have married you. She told me that.”
He looked over.
“Did she?”
“Yes.”
Well, at least he had that.
“Want to go stand out on the balcony with me?” Chris asked, rubbing his hands together.
Greyson was amused.
“Well, not now I don’t.”
It was time to be serious.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want to be happy, and I get there, and then something happens. Why can’t I find that person? Well, that person who isn’t married to my brother and best friend?”
“I don’t have an answer.”
“I’m pissed, Grey. I’m pissed.”
And here it was.
This was what was beneath the hurt.
The anger.
“Nat?”
He nodded.
“And at myself. I didn’t want to get married right away, but I was willing to get engaged for her. Then she died, and I felt guilty that she never got to plan a wedding and feel like a bride. I felt like I ruined it for her by dragging my feet. Here I find out that she would have said no or lied. What’s wrong with me? I’m a thinker. I am a slow mover.”
Greyson listened.
“I feel like I rushed the process, tangling myself in it when I knew I wasn’t ready. Why can’t I listen to myself? Why can’t I listen to my gut? I was a freaking cop, and I keep missing the obvious. I’m hurt that she felt this for a while and never told me. I feel deceived that we had moments of intimacy, she stared me in the eyes, and lied to me.”
He understood.
“Women are tough,” Greyson stated. “UNTIL you find the right one. Until then, I’ll share mine.”
He stared at him.
“Does Dimitri have a laser scope on me from another building at this very moment?” he asked. “Are you going to kill me?”
He laughed.
“I didn’t mean sex,” he said, slapping him on the back of the head.
“How disappointing…”
Croft grinned.
“I meant that I’ll let you borrow her for laughter, lunch, and when you need a hug. She loves you so much. Emma, she was never whole after Gage died. Then I found her, and she was still having nightmares, and couldn’t eat meat.”
He recalled.
“Then you came into her life, and Dimitri, too, and you both filled roles that I couldn’t fill. She had steak yesterday without even flinching. I didn’t heal that part of her, Chris. You and Dimitri did. How she feels for me isn’t the same. I’m her husband, but you’re that male role model that she always looked up to when her parents died.”
Greyson dropped his arm over his shoulder.
“We have you. Besides, you wouldn’t like the sex. It’s horrible.”
He somehow doubted that.
Emma laughed from the doorway.
“Well, don’t I feel like shit now. Two men talking about me, and my husband thinks our sex life sucks. Talk about ego deflating.”
She’d heard the whole conversation. It wasn’t like she wanted to eavesdrop, but the door had been open. She knew what her husband was trying to do.
“You should move on,” Chris teased. “Find someone you have something in common with.”
“We do have those matching scars.”
Greyson laughed.
“I’ll toss you both off the balcony,” Croft teased.
“Since our secret is out, Emma, come to daddy,” Chris teased, knowing they had fun busting Greyson’s ass.
Croft knocked Chris’s ass off the bed and to the floor as he held his hand out for his wife.
She sat in his lap.
“Hello, Daddy,” she teased.
“That was a cheap shot,” Chris said.
He was aware, and that was exactly why he had done it. He was going to play nice, but he would keep the man in line. He wasn’t an idiot.
Emma reached down and offered him her hand.
“What were you talking about?”
“Clearly, you,” Chris stated, getting up and sitting beside them, “or he wouldn’t be beating on me. When you’re not around, do you see how mean he is to me? I’m his personal punching bag. It hurts.”
She laughed and gave her husband a kiss on the cheek.
She knew Chris was busting his ass.
“My sexy husband was getting all mean. That’s hot. I like him like that.”
He wiggled his eyebrows at her.
“Of course you do,” Chris added.
While he had them there, together, he needed to talk to them about the girl who would be joining th
eir family. The whole family was going to have to rally around her, and Dimitri.
The man had his work cut out for him. He hoped that the talk with Sam was going well.
He would need Sam’s support too.
“Dimitri’s sister arrives today.”
“Okay,” Emma stated.
“She doesn’t speak Russian or English. She’s afraid, and she’s been sexually abused. The kid is a mess, and she’s going to have a rough time of this.”
Emma shook her head.
“I swear to God, anyone who thinks sex with a child is supposed to happen should have their dicks ripped off and then fed to them. That poor baby.”
“Yeah, I’m with her. That poor kid. Do you think we’ll scare her?” Chris asked. “I tend to intimidate kids. I can stay away for a while.”
She leaned over and gave him a kiss.
“That’s for being kind.”
“I got tongue…I got…”
He knocked him off the bed again and laughed at the look on the man’s face.
“You were asking for that,” he stated, kissing his wife. “Oh look, I got tongue too.”
“You’re so mean. For the record, I was kidding! Shesh! Touchy.”
Greyson continued, “We’re all going to have to work really hard at it. She’s going to be a tough one. Dimitri is up to his eyeballs with Sam, the whole issue with Poppy, and now this. He’s still healing. We need to be as accommodating as we can.”
They were both in.
It was the least they could do for Dimitri and a little girl who had been horribly abused.
People sucked, but they’d rally around her.
“I figured as much. She’ll be okay if we help her navigate this.”
“What’s her name?” Emma asked.
“Ethan Blackhawk told me she doesn’t have one. I think we should help Dimitri pick one. He’s going to be overwhelmed with everything.”
“We can go with our girl name we were going to use,” she offered, placing her hand on her own belly. For Dimitri, and this little girl, she’d share it.
Besides, it broke her heart that this child didn’t have a name. How cruel could people be?
How did that poor baby feel, knowing everyone around her had a name, and she didn’t?
That was so damn wrong.
The older she got, the more she decided that people sucked and that they should be put down like rabid animals.
Then again, it could be the hormones.
Then she thought about Molly and what Viktor Marchenko did to her.
It definitely wasn’t hormones.
People were sick.
“We can do that,” Greyson offered. “We picked a Russian name, so it will work.”
“What did you pick?” Chris asked.
“Petra. I thought it was pretty. It means rock, sturdy, and strong in Russian. That child has to be pretty strong. I think it fits well.”
They agreed there.
“No matter what happens with this little girl,” Emma began, “We protect her, and we love her more than anyone. We’ll put her first and heal her.”
And this was why the men all loved Emma.
She had a huge heart.
She would put a stranger ahead of her own child to help level the playing field for a broken spirit.
Emma was meant to be a mother.
Before either man could tell her that, they heard a door slam across the penthouse, and Emma got up.
It was one hell of a ruckus.
“Who the hell could that be?” Greyson asked, getting up from the bed to follow his wife. They all headed out to the living room to find Sam on the couch. He was crying.
No.
Bawling.
Immediately, Emma went to him.
“Uh oh,” Greyson stated, keeping his voice low so only Chris heard him. “He told Sam about his sister. He was worried about this.”
Chris cringed.
That had to be hard for both of them.
“Oh boy,” he whispered back.
“Sam! What’s wrong?” Emma asked, taking a seat beside him to comfort him.
“I hate him! He is adopting someone else, and he doesn’t want me anymore!”
“Oh, Sam!”
He threw himself onto Emma and clung to her.
They all knew that wasn’t the truth, but this little boy likely didn’t.
“I should have picked you! You might be having a baby, but you wouldn't throw me away!”
The little boy sobbed all over her and she held on.
Well, this was bad.
No.
This was a mess.
Chapter Two
Across Vegas
Riley Henderson’s
Home
H e was taking a shower and getting ready for his day. Later, he was going to be heading to Aquarius with Greyson to start working on a case. Honestly, he couldn’t wait either. This meant using policing skills, and he wanted to use his brain.
He was in a state of perpetual boredom.
Yes, he’d been helpful with his last case, but that had been a mixed bag of chaos.
People died.
Feelings had been ruffled.
All Riley wanted was to work, get paid, and be happy. There was so much going on in his life. It was a constant state of flux.
He lost his job.
He found a job.
He found a girl.
They were selling their homes.
His life was about to change.
He had spoken to a realtor earlier, and he’d put his house on the market. He and Delilah were going to upgrade and look for a new, joint one.
He wanted a porch swing, and she wanted him.
It was working out perfectly.
They’d opted to find a new place to start their lives out together, and he was excited.
He really loved her.
Just that morning, she’d rushed out the door, and he’d missed waking up with her. It wasn’t like her, but he knew Delilah was elbow deep in a trial, so he didn’t think anything of it.
Until he turned around to rinse off, and nearly jumped out of his skin.
She was standing there.
Watching him.
“Honey, are you okay?” he asked, as he noticed she was crying.
Immediately, he hit the water, grabbed a towel, and headed her way. She was sobbing, and he didn’t know what had happened.
She didn’t answer him.
So, he asked again.
“Are you okay?” he inquired, as she went against his wet body in her pricey suit.
“NO!”
Okay, this wasn’t right.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked. “Baby, it’s okay, I’m here. I’m right here, and you can tell me. I’ll help fix it.”
She handed him a bag.
Riley looked inside, and there was a pregnancy test.
His eyes went big.
“You’re on the pill.”
“I know! I’m late. I don’t want to take it, but I have to do it and find out. I have to know. I was going to do it in my office at work, but that seemed wrong to not tell you and do it behind your back.”
He hugged her.
He was shocked.
This was something he didn’t expect.
Delilah took her pill every day. He watched her. She was religious about it. She’d eat breakfast and take it. He even joked about her forgetting, and she nearly had a stroke. She actually ran to her pill dispenser and checked to make sure the little white pill hadn’t been there.
She was neurotic about it.
“It’s okay. Breathe, Delilah. Breathe. We’ll take the test and we’ll go from there.”
“I can’t do it now.”
“WHAT?” he asked.
“I have a trial in one hour. I needed you, Riley. I needed you to believe that I didn’t intend for this to happen. I don’t want you to think I did something shady.”
He stopped her.
He’d never b
elieve that.
Delilah was pretty ‘in your face’, honest, about everything. He asked once if his tie made him look like a dork, and she actually said yes without flinching.
Delilah didn’t lie.
Ever.
“Baby, we did this together. You didn’t put me in handcuffs and make me have sex with you.”
She stared at him.
If this wasn’t so damn serious, Riley would have laughed about that.
“Okay, a couple of times you did, but I was very willing, and I clapped when you set me free.”
She held onto him.
“It’s okay. Maybe you’re just stressed. That can cause a woman to be late.”
“I’m always stressed.”
He held her.
“I take it from your outburst that you don’t want kids,” he said, feeling a little down. He’d always pictured himself having children.
“I’m not married. I just never thought I’d be having a child alone. I always pictured the guy, the dog, the kids, and maybe retiring and being a mom. I didn’t picture this. I’m a planner, and this was NOT in my plan.”
He stared at her and tried not to be offended, but it was hard. Then again, this was Delilah. She was accustomed to being in charge.
Fate was the one really driving the bus.
“Remember me? I was the one with the naked penis. You weren’t and aren’t alone.”
Yeah, men said that.
When it came time to own it, she’d seen many of her friends lose their partner in the crime.
They bailed, leaving the woman and child in the dust.
“I’m scared.”
He held her.
“Okay, I’ll meet you at home tonight, and we’ll talk about it after we take the test. You have to stay calm.”
She knew he was right.
“I have to get changed. I’m all wet. I need to get back to the office. Thank you, Riley. I really needed to hear you say it was okay.”
Mob Justice Page 5
