by Lewis, D. C.
He gestured for Kiera to choose a seat. She flopped down in a faded purple beanbag chair that was cracked from use. Much to her surprise, Dr. Murphy sat down in one across from her.
"I don't believe in sitting in a chair that places me in a higher position than the person I am seeing. We are equal partners in this and should be on equal footing. You have to understand that my philosophy of therapy is that you are the expert in your own life, nobody knows you as well as you know yourself. I am only here to ask questions and guide you. The answers you seek are already contained inside yourself, I just help you find them. We are partners, in this together. Is that cool with you?"
Once again surprised at this laid back form of therapy, Kiera relaxed a little more and nodded her head in assent. This was really not what she was expecting.
"So then, what shall we talk about? How silly you think your Freshman Seminar class is and just how much you don't want to be here?" Dr. Murphy asked.
And thus the relationship began. Kiera began seeing him weekly. At first they just talked about random things. Dr. Murphy would ask the occasional question that Kiera sometimes didn't understand the purpose of, only to later realize that those questions caused her to do some introspection and finally reveal some of her inner emotions and turmoil. The man was a master at making her talk about the issues she avoided. All of her issues with her mother, her desire to avoid taking over the family business, even her dreams, found their way into therapy. It was Dr. Murphy who taught her the benefits of meditating, and hooked her up with a yoga instructor who was able to further Kiera's knowledge and skill in that area. Therapy became something she looked forward to. It was nice to have an unbiased opinion and someone who believed in her, believed that she could do whatever she put her mind to and encouraged her to do so. These sessions came to have a lot of meaning for her and started to help her see her way through some of the more momentous events in her life, those of the past and those in the future. The one thing she never revealed to him was her true nature.
Mentally replaying her last session before coming home, Kiera thought back to when she had seriously contemplated telling him everything.
"Kiera, Kiera?"
Snapping back into reality, Kiera's eyes focused on the person sitting in front of her, slightly disoriented, as it took her a few seconds to realize where she was.
"My apologies Dr. Murphy, I spaced out."
"Where did your mind go when you spaced out?"
"I was just thinking of the dreams I have been having."
"The ones of you running in the woods?"
"Yes, trying to figure out what they could mean."
"Wish I could help but it is only those crazy Freudians who attempt to interpret dreams," Dr. Murphy said smiling.
Returning the expression, Kiera relaxed a little and sat back in the big comfy chair that she has chosen as her "therapeutic tool" for the day.
"Anything else you were thinking about?" he asked.
"Oh you know, the upcoming stressor named Katrina Hemming. I don't know why I am doing this to myself, I think I am a sucker for punishment."
Chuckling, Dr. Murphy uncrossed his legs and leaned forward. "Maybe we just need to change your perspective. Think of this as a character-building exercise."
Laughing loudly, "If only!" Kiera exclaimed. "More like an exercise in self-torture.
"Kiera, you have been coming to me weekly for the past eight months. During that time, I have found you to be intelligent, independent, responsible, strong-willed, kind, and a whole other list of positive traits, but one other thing that I have noticed about you is that you are very proficient in covering up what is really bothering you. There have been times where I felt you were on the cusp of telling me but decided against it. When I asked you what your life would be like if a miracle happened, you mentioned freedom, being somebody else. What did you mean?"
Taken aback, Kiera looked Dr. Murphy in the eye. Conflicted, she wanted to tell him the truth. He had been the most nonjudgmental person she had ever met. Would he believe her? Would he want to lock her up in a Psych Unit? How would he react to finding out that the person he had been spending fifty minutes with each week with was a monster?
"My mother wants me to take over the family business, to not come back to school next year." While not the entire truth, it contained enough of it to assuage her guilt for not being entirely forthright. "I don't want to take over the business, but I know that is what is expected and will be the main topic of conversation during my stay at home."
Kiera could tell by the look in his eyes that Dr. Murphy knew there was more to it but didn't pry.
"You can only live life for yourself," he said. "When we try to live it for others, it leaves us unfulfilled and unhappy. While I cannot sit here and tell you to defy your mother's wishes, I can tell you that you need to make the choices that will make you the happiest. Parents don't always know what is best for their children. While they usually have your best interests at mind, their interpretation of what you should be, and yours, can be vastly different. You have to follow your heart, even if that means not doing what she wants you to."
"All very easy," Kiera thought, "for someone human. This situation is a little different, I just wish I could tell him."
How good it would feel to just be able to tell someone. To let them "in" on her little secret. She longed for that opportunity. It would help her so much to be able to get it off her chest. To talk about how much she feared changing. How she was insecure about that aspect of her inner self. How she worried that all those close to her would instantly reject her if they found out. How she had guilt that she didn't want to be Alpha female and that a big part of her didn't want to disappoint her mother. She worried that if she ever did change, she would lose all of her humanity. All these things she so desperately wanted to tell Dr. Murphy but knew she couldn't. Keeping her secret and protecting not only her identity but also that of the other Lycoans of the world took precedent. Sometimes it all seemed so hopeless.
Coming to the end of the session and knowing that he wasn't going to get any more out of her, Dr. Murphy stood up and walked behind his desk.
"I have something for you," he said. "This is a CD of soothing music to meditate to. I only give this to my most hopeless cases," he said with a smile to let Kiera know that he was only teasing her. "I am hoping you can find use for it."
Graciously taking the CD, Kiera couldn't help herself and gave him a hug. "Thank you," she responded, tears forming in her eyes. "Thank you for this and other things. You have no idea what you have done for me."
Without hesitation, Dr. Murphy returned the hug. "I hope to see you next year. If I don't, good luck Kiera Hemming, I know that whatever you do, you will be wonderful at it."
Sitting on her bed in the lotus position, those words echoed in her mind. "I hope to see you next year." She hoped so too, not simply for the fact that she would be able to continue therapy with Dr. Murphy, but that her return would signify that she had taken control of her own life and was living it how she wished.
Getting those extraneous thoughts out of her mind, she once again concentrated on her meditation. Breathing in for a count of five seconds through her nose, breathing out of her mouth for five. Lowering her heartbeat and mentally expelling stress and other worries with the carbon dioxide being purged from her lungs. She let her mind relax, not focusing on any particular thing, just floating in inner space, allowing it to go where it wished. The beating of her heart always seemed extremely loud during this exercise. She was always shocked that others in the yoga class didn't yell at her to tone it down. Breathing in and exhaling. So ingrained a routine that she didn't even realize she was doing it in rhythm. In and out. Letting all cares and worries leave her body.
When she had first started meditating, it had been frustratingly easy to get distracted. The least little noise or other disturbance would pull her out of hours of focus and she would have to start the process all over again. This was one insta
nce where her heightened senses were more of a bane than a help. But once she had learned the technique, reaching a meditative state came quite quickly and easily. She would sometimes become so focused on her meditation that it would be a shock to come back to the real world. Many times she would come back to realize that hours had passed in silent reverie.
As her mind wandered, visions flashed through her head like a movie reel. There was no rhyme or reason, just her subconscious taking control and revealing things to her. Images of her dorm room, her first day of college, hitting her head on the fireplace as a child and having to get stitches, and an overwhelming number of images with Brandon.
The next step to her meditation had proven to be the most difficult - that of clearing her mind entirely. Kiera had thought this to be impossible. No matter how hard she tried in the beginning, her mind always managed to focus on something. Once again, random images would intrude themselves on her blank mind and before she knew it, she was firmly focusing when she should be relaxing. This was a technique she was still perfecting.
Now she sat in the comfy confines of her bedroom. Focusing on her breathing, she cleared her mind. Becoming centered, she attempted to become one with the environment around her. She wasn't sitting on the bed, she was part of the bed. She could no longer feel where the bed and her flesh met, instead, they were one and the same. She heard everything and nothing all at the same time. Individual sounds were indistinguishable, like a bad symphony with everything playing all at once, where you couldn't make out anything.
Sinking deeper and deeper into her meditation, Kiera was in uncharted territory. Up to this point she had not been able to achieve this level of relaxation and lack of focus. Letting herself go, she felt something she had never felt before. Almost like another consciousness. It was part of her but also separate. It felt familiar, like she had known it all her life but had never been fully introduced. It just sat there in the background, patiently waiting for acknowledgement. Kiera could sense that its patience was starting to grow strained. Cautiously examining this previously undiscovered aspect of herself, her heart began to race. The deeper in she went, the more alive she felt. She felt a part of herself awaken. A part that she had tried to deny all these years.
She remembered only one other time in her life she felt so alive, the day she first learned who and what she was. The day she spent testing out all her new abilities. The day she decided to lock that part of her away and live as human. She had finally discovered where she had locked that part of her away and it was ready to be released.
She could feel herself being sucked into that other awareness like a science fiction tractor beam. The more she fought, the more easily it pulled her in. She could feel minuscule changes in her body. Her breathing was more like panting, her heart beat faster, her skin tingled. Her worst fears were coming true. She was changing and she had no control over it.
Things were happening so quickly that she felt like she was spiraling out of control. She could feel the warm tears racing down her flushed cheeks. With every ounce of her being, she fought what was happening to her. She was reminded of her mother telling her that eventually she would have no choice, that she would change. She wondered if this was what she meant.
Finally unable to fight any longer, she let go, resigning herself to let whatever happen as it would. As soon as she stopped fighting, she realized the whole process had stopped, the change had reached a standstill. While she could feel the other awareness even more profoundly than before, it was no longer trying to take control, almost as if all it wanted was validation, for Kiera to fully admit its existence. Finally Kiera understood how to control her Lycoan nature. She had to surrender to it in order to gain control. That was why the change had stopped when she gave up. There was something fundamentally important about surrendering. What it was, she didn't know, but she knew that in the future, it would be important. It would be the difference between being human and being a monster.
She could feel the silent rage of her other self as she locked it away once more in its formless prison. It had come so close to revealing itself, only to be thwarted at the last instant. Like a caged beast, it slowly retreated to the depths of her psyche.
Opening her eyes, Kiera realized that she had been meditating for over two hours. Her stomach grumbled, reminding her that she hadn't eaten in a while. Standing up, was difficult, as her legs were weak from her lotus posture but also from the events that unfolded during her meditation. Walking to her full-length mirror, she looked herself up and down, making sure there were no visible signs of what had just occurred.
The rest of the day passed unremarkably, Kiera spent some time surfing the Internet and watching television, the events of the day weighing heavily on her mind. She was thankful that Katrina didn't come home until late that evening, as she really hadn't the energy to deal with her. It also gave Kiera the chance to decide how she was going to tell her mother about their visitor. Kiera knew that somehow, regardless of who "the woman" was, it would end up in her getting a lecture about something. She was really in no mood for one of her mother's lectures. There were more important issues she was having to deal with at the present. She was concerned that Katrina would intuitively be able to figure out that Kiera had made contact with her Lycoan side. If Katrina did, there would be no end to the lecture and Kiera would be at the mercy of her mother for the next few hours.
Kiera decided that the best course of action would be a kamikaze style of attack, to just bombard her mother with the information of "the woman" as soon as she saw her with hopes of distracting her from Kiera's issue. Hearing Katrina open the front door, Kiera took a deep breath and headed downstairs, hoping that her plan would work. If it did, it would be one of the few times that Kiera had been able to get over on her mother.
Kiera wasn't surprised to find her mother in the kitchen. Katrina stood with her back towards her daughter, sorting through something in her hands. Kiera was always impressed by her mother's imposing figure and the air of majesty that seem to float around her. Katrina was someone who demanded respect and could cut you to the bone with a look. Kiera sometimes surprised herself with her ability to stand up to and be defiant towards her mother. She doubted that in the entirety of her mother's existence, anyone else had dared to do the same.
Kiera knew that her mother had sensed her presence even before she had made her way into the kitchen so it came as no surprise when she spoke.
"Good evening Kiera," Katrina said, still with her back turned to her daughter.
"Evening mother," Kiera replied. "You had a visitor today."
"Oh really? Who?" Katrina asked.
"I don't know, she never told me her name. She drove a beaten-up blue van."
Katrina's movement suddenly stopped and she slowly turned around to face her daughter, her hands now resting on the back of one of the wooden barstools that surrounded the island in the middle of the kitchen.
"What did she look like?"
"Dark hair like yours." Kiera saw her mother's grip tighten on the chair. "She was pretty, with turquoise eyes. She had this air of superiority about her, she looked at me like I was nothing. She asked where you were and wanted me to tell you that she needed to speak with you."
The wood under Katrina's hand splintered and then broke in half. Startled, Kiera took a step back, unsure what to expect.
"She came here and placed demands upon me?! How dare she!" Katrina exclaimed. "You and I will be having a very long talk later this evening. Be home. In the meantime, I have things to attend to. I will be back in a couple of hours," she said, giving Kiera a look that said she would tolerate no arguments. This was not only her mother speaking, but the Alpha female.
In a blur, Katrina was out the door. Kiera had no idea what was going on but knew that she had better be home when her mother returned or there would be hell to pay. Looking at the mess her mother made of the barstool, Kiera picked up the broken pieces and took the injured chair outside to death row, the large t
rashcan that currently housed her ruined shoes. Seeing that the chair was going to be too big to stuff into the almost already overflowing can, Kiera wasn't sure what to do with it. She knew Katrina would not be pleased to come home and see the chair just sitting outside, and a comment about their looking "trashy" would more than likely find its way into their inevitable conversation. On impulse, Kiera wondered if whether or not she could finish breaking the chair down into smaller pieces so that it would more easily fit into the green receptacle. Her mother's tools were on the other side of the house and Kiera really didn't feel like walking all the way back there to only have to turn around and do it again when the job was completed.
It struck her that it might be possible for her just to use her bare hands to break it apart. Grabbing a chair leg, she pulled with all her might. Nothing happened. It didn't even budge. Slightly angered, Kiera tried again and was rewarded only with spots in her vision and the beginnings of a headache. Fully annoyed at this point, she threw the chair down on the ground, it making a soft thud as it hit the inch-high grass.
Thoroughly disgusted at this point, Kiera seriously contemplated just leaving it there but a part of her refused to be beaten by a stupid chair. An idea forms in her mind, something so preposterous that she almost dismissed it. What if she relaxed her control of her Lycoan side? Not that she was going to allow herself to change, but what if she loosened the restraint just a tad? Ever since the incident earlier, she couldn't stop thinking about how alive she felt, and kept reliving the day she had discovered what she was. A kind of morbid curiosity was nagging at her.
"What could it hurt?" she asked herself, attempting to find some way to justify it. She couldn't believe she was even contemplating this. After all these years of trying to repress her Lycoan nature, here she was, wanting to risk it all on a stupid chair. The more of a bad idea she thought it was, the more it made her want to try.
