RUTH. How did you know she was diseased?
LENNY. How did I know?
Pause.
I decided she was.
Silence.
You and my brother are newly-weds, are you?
RUTH. We've been married six years.
LENNY. He's always been my favourite brother, old Teddy. Do you know that? And my goodness we are proud of him here, I can tell you. Doctor of Philosophy and all that . . . leaves quite an impression. Of course, he's a very sensitive man, isn't he? Ted. Very. I've often wished I was as sensitive as he is.
RUTH. Have you?
LENNY. Oh yes. Oh yes, very much so. I mean, I'm not saying I'm not sensitive. I am. I could just be a bit more so, that's all.
RUTH. Could you?
LENNY. Yes, just a bit more so, that's all.
Pause.
I mean, I am very sensitive to atmosphere, but I tend to get desensitized, if you know what I mean, when people make unreasonable demands on me. For instance, last Christmas I decided to do a bit of snow-clearing for the Borough Council, because we had a heavy snow over here that year in Europe. I didn't have to do this snow-clearing – I mean I wasn't financially embarrassed in any way – it just appealed to me, it appealed to something inside me. What I anticipated with a good deal of pleasure was the brisk cold bite in the air in the early morning. And I was right. I had to get my snowboots on and I had to stand on a corner, at about five-thirty in the morning, to wait for the lorry to pick me up, to take me to the allotted area. Bloody freezing. Well, the lorry came, I jumped on the tailboard, headlights on, dipped, and off we went. Got there, shovels up, fags on, and off we went, deep into the December snow, hours before cockcrow. Well, that morning, while I was having my mid-morning cup of tea in a neighbouring cafe, the shovel standing by my chair, an old lady approached me and asked me if I would give her a hand with her iron mangle. Her brother-in-law, she said, had left it for her, but he'd left it in the wrong room, he'd left it in the front room. Well, naturally, she wanted it in the back room. It was a present he'd given her, you see, a mangle, to iron out the washing. But he'd left it in the wrong room, he'd left it in the front room, well that was a silly place to leave it, it couldn't stay there. So I took time off to give her a hand. She only lived up the road. Well, the only trouble was when I got there I couldn't move this mangle. It must have weighed about half a ton. How this brother-in-law got it up there in the first place I can't even begin to envisage. So there I was, doing a bit of shoulders on with the mangle, risking a rupture, and this old lady just standing there, waving me on, not even lifting a little finger to give me a helping hand. So after a few minutes I said to her, now look here, why don't you stuff this iron mangle up your arse? Anyway, I said, they're out of date, you want to get a spin drier. I had a good mind to give her a workover there and then, but as I was feeling jubilant with the snow-clearing I just gave her a short-arm jab to the belly and jumped on a bus outside. Excuse me, shall I take this ashtray out of your way?
RUTH. It's not in my way.
LENNY. It seems to be in the way of your glass. The glass was about to fall. Or the ashtray. I'm rather worried about the carpet. It's not me, it's my father. He's obsessed with order and clarity. He doesn't like mess. So, as I don't believe you're smoking at the moment, I'm sure you won't object if I move the ashtray.
He does so.
And now perhaps I'll relieve you of your glass.
RUTH. I haven't quite finished.
LENNY. You've consumed quite enough, in my opinion.
RUTH. No, I haven't.
LENNY. Quite sufficient, in my own opinion.
RUTH. Not in mine, Leonard.
Pause.
LENNY. Don't call me that, please.
RUTH. Why not?
LENNY. That's the name my mother gave me.
Pause.
Just give me the glass.
RUTH. No.
Pause.
LENNY. I'll take it, then.
RUTH. If you take the glass . . . I'll take you.
Pause.
LENNY. How about me taking the glass without you taking me?
RUTH. Why don't I just take you?
Pause.
LENNY. You're joking.
Pause.
You're in love, anyway, with another man. You've had a secret liaison with another man. His family didn't even know. Then you come here without a word of warning and start to make trouble.
She picks up the glass and lifts it towards him.
RUTH. Have a sip. Go on. Have a sip from my glass.
He is still.
Sit on my lap. Take a long cool sip.
She pats her lap. Pause.
She stands, moves to him with the glass.
Put your head back and open your mouth.
LENNY. Take that glass away from me.
RUTH. Lie on the floor. Go on. I'll pour it down your throat.
LENNY. What are you doing, making me some kind of proposal?
She laughs shortly, drains the glass.
RUTH. Oh, I was thirsty.
She smiles at him, puts the glass down, goes into the hall and up the stairs.
He follows into the hall and shouts up the stairs.
LENNY. What was that supposed to be? Some kind of proposal?
Silence.
He comes back into the room, goes to his own glass, drains it.
A door slams upstairs.
The landing light goes on.
MAX comes down the stairs, in pyjamas and cap. He comes into the room.
MAX. What's going on here? You drunk?
He stares at LENNY.
What are you shouting about? You gone mad?
LENNY pours another glass of water.
Prancing about in the middle of the night shouting your head off. What are you, a raving lunatic?
LENNY. I was thinking aloud.
MAX. Is Joey down here? You been shouting at Joey?
LENNY. Didn't you hear what I said, Dad? I said I was thinking aloud.
MAX. You were thinking so loud you got me out of bed.
LENNY. Look, why don't you just . . . pop off, eh?
MAX. Pop off? He wakes me up in the middle of the night, I think we got burglars here, I think he's got a knife stuck in him, I come down here, he tells me to pop off.
LENNY sits down.
He was talking to someone. Who could he have been talking to? They're all asleep. He was having a conversation with someone. He won't tell me who it was. He pretends he was thinking aloud. What are you doing, hiding someone here?
LENNY. I was sleepwalking. Get out of it, leave me alone, will you?
MAX. I want an explanation, you understand? I asked you who you got hiding here.
Pause.
LENNY. I'll tell you what, Dad, since you're in the mood for a bit of a . . . chat, I'll ask you a question. It's a question I've been meaning to ask you for some time. That night . . . you know . . . the night you got me . . . that night with Mum, what was it like? Eh? When I was just a glint in your eye. What was it like? What was the background to it? I mean, I want to know the real facts about my background. I mean, for instance, is it a fact that you had me in mind all the time, or is it a fact that I was the last thing you had in mind?
Pause.
I'm only asking this in a spirit of inquiry, you understand that, don't you? I'm curious. And there's lots of people of my age share that curiosity, you know that, Dad? They often ruminate, sometimes singly, sometimes in groups, about the true facts of that particular night – the night they were made in the image of those two people at it. It's a question long overdue, from my point of view, but as we happen to be passing the time of day here tonight I thought I'd pop it to you.
Pause.
MAX. You'll drown in your own blood.
LENNY. If you prefer to answer the question in writing I've got no objection.
MAX stands.
I should have asked my dear mother. Why didn't I ask my dear moth
er? Now it's too late. She's passed over to the other side.
MAX spits at him.
LENNY looks down at the carpet.
Now look what you've done. I'll have to Hoover that in the morning, you know.
MAX turns and walks up the stairs.
LENNY sits still.
BLACKOUT.
LIGHTS UP.
Morning.
JOEY in front of the mirror. He is doing some slow limbering-up exercises. He stops, combs his hair, carefully. He then shadowboxes, heavily, watching himself in the mirror.
MAX comes in from U.L.
Both MAX and JOEY are dressed. MAX watches JOEY in silence. JOEY stops shadowboxing, picks up a newspaper and sits.
Silence.
MAX. I hate this room.
Pause.
It's the kitchen I like. It's nice in there. It's cosy.
Pause.
But I can't stay in there. You know why? Because he's always washing up in there, scraping the plates, driving me out of the kitchen, that's why.
JOEY. Why don't you bring your tea in here?
MAX. I don't want to bring my tea in here. I hate it here. I want to drink my tea in there.
He goes into the hall and looks towards the kitchen.
What's he doing in there?
He returns.
What's the time?
JOEY. Half past six.
MAX. Half past six.
Pause.
I'm going to see a game of football this afternoon. You want to come?
Pause.
I'm talking to you.
JOEY. I'm training this afternoon. I'm doing six rounds with Blackie.
MAX. That's not till five o'clock. You've got time to see a game of football before five o'clock. It's the first game of the season.
JOEY. No, I’m not going.
MAX. Why not?
Pause.
MAX goes into the hall.
Sam! Come here!
MAX comes back into the room.
SAM enters with a cloth.
SAM. What?
MAX. What are you doing in there?
SAM. Washing up.
MAX. What else?
SAM. Getting rid of your leavings.
MAX. Putting them in the bin, eh?
SAM. Right in.
MAX. What point you trying to prove?
SAM. No point.
MAX. Oh yes, you are. You resent making my breakfast, that's what it is, isn't it? That's why you bang round the kitchen like that, scraping the frying-pan, scraping all the leavings into the bin, scraping all the plates, scraping all the tea out of the teapot . . . that's why you do that, every single stinking morning. I know. Listen, Sam. I want to say something to you. From my heart.
He moves closer.
I want you to get rid of these feelings of resentment you've got towards me. I wish I could understand them. Honestly, have I ever given you cause? Never. When Dad died he said to me, Max, look after your brothers. That's exactly what he said to me.
SAM. How could he say that when he was dead?
MAX. What?
SAM. How could he speak if he was dead?
Pause.
MAX. Before he died, Sam. Just before. They were his last words. His last sacred words, Sammy. You think I'm joking? You think when my father spoke – on his deathbed – I wouldn't obey his words to the last letter? You hear that, Joey? He'll stop at nothing. He's even prepared to spit on the memory of our Dad. What kind of a son were you, you wet wick? You spent half your time doing crossword puzzles! We took you into the butcher's shop, you couldn't even sweep the dust off the floor. We took MacGregor into the shop, he could run the place by the end of a week. Well, I'll tell you one thing. I respected my father not only as a man but as a number one butcher! And to prove it I followed him into the shop. I learned to carve a carcass at his knee. I commemorated his name in blood. I gave birth to three grown men! All on my own bat. What have you done?
Pause.
What have you done? You tit!
SAM. Do you want to finish the washing up? Look, here's the cloth.
MAX. So try to get rid of these feelings of resentment, Sam. After all, we are brothers.
SAM. Do you want the cloth? Here you are. Take it.
TEDDY and RUTH come down the stairs. They walk across the hall and stop just inside the room.
The others turn and look at them. JOEY stands.
TEDDY and RUTH are wearing dressing-gowns.
Silence.
TEDDY smiles.
TEDDY. Hullo . . . Dad . . . We overslept.
Pause.
What's for breakfast?
Silence.
TEDDY chuckles.
Huh. We overslept.
MAX turns to SAM.
MAX. Did you know he was here?
SAM. No.
MAX turns to JOEY.
MAX. Did you know he was here?
Pause.
I asked you if you knew he was here.
JOEY. No.
MAX. Then who knew?
Pause.
Who knew?
Pause.
I didn't know.
TEDDY. I was going to come down, Dad, I was going to . . . be here, when you came down.
Pause.
How are you?
Pause.
Uh . . . look, I'd . . . like you to meet . . .
MAX. How long you been in this house?
TEDDY. All night.
MAX. All night? I'm a laughing-stock. How did you get in?
TEDDY. I had my key.
MAX whistles and laughs.
MAX. Who's this?
TEDDY. I was just going to introduce you.
MAX. Who asked you to bring tarts in here?
TEDDY. Tarts?
MAX. Who asked you to bring dirty tarts into this house?
TEDDY. Listen, don't be silly –
MAX. You been here all night?
TEDDY. Yes, we arrived from Venice –
MAX. We've had a smelly scrubber in my house all night. We've had a stinking pox-ridden slut in my house all night.
TEDDY. Stop it! What are you talking about?
MAX. I haven't seen the bitch for six years, he comes home without a word, he brings a filthy scrubber off the street, he shacks up in my house!
TEDDY. She's my wife! We're married!
Pause.
MAX. I've never had a whore under this roof before. Ever since your mother died. My word of honour. (To JOEY.) Have you ever had a whore here? Has Lenny ever had a whore here? They come back from America, they bring the slopbucket with them. They bring the bedpan with them. (To TEDDY.) Take that disease away from me. Get her away from me.
TEDDY. She's my wife.
MAX (to JOEY). Chuck them out.
Pause.
A Doctor of Philosophy. Sam, you want to meet a Doctor of Philosophy? (To JOEY.) I said chuck them out.
Pause.
What's the matter? You deaf?
JOEY. You're an old man. (To TEDDY.) He's an old man.
LENNY walks into the room, in a dressing-gown.
He stops.
They all look round.
MAX turns back, hits JOEY in the stomach with all his might. JOEY contorts, staggers across the stage. MAX, with the exertion of the blow, begins to collapse. His knees buckle. He clutches his stick.
SAM moves forward to help him.
MAX hits him across the head with his stick, SAM sits, head in hands.
JOEY, hands pressed to his stomach, sinks down at the feet of RUTH.
She looks down at him.
LENNY and TEDDY are still.
JOEY slowly stands. He is close to RUTH. He turns from RUTH, looks round at MAX.
SAM clutches his head.
MAX breathes heavily, very slowly gets to his feet.
JOEY moves to him.
They look at each other.
Silence.
MAX moves past JOEY, walks towards RUTH. He gestures with his stick.<
br />
MAX. Miss.
RUTH walks towards him.
RUTH. Yes?
He looks at her.
MAX. You a mother?
RUTH. Yes.
MAX. How many you got?
RUTH. Three.
He turns to TEDDY.
MAX. All yours, Ted?
Pause.
Teddy, why don't we have a nice cuddle and kiss, eh? Like the old days? What about a nice cuddle and kiss, eh?
TEDDY. Come on, then.
Pause.
MAX. You want to kiss your old father? Want a cuddle with your old father?
TEDDY. Come on, then.
TEDDY moves a step towards him.
Come on.
Pause.
MAX. You still love your old Dad, eh?
They face each other.
TEDDY. Come on, Dad. I'm ready for the cuddle.
MAX begins to chuckle, gurgling.
He turns to the family and addresses them.
MAX. He still loves his father!
Curtain
Act Two
Afternoon.
MAX, TEDDY, LENNY and SAM are about the stage, lighting cigars.
Complete Works, Volume III Page 4
