MAX. What did you say?
JOEY. I don't want to share her with a lot of yobs!
MAX. Yobs! You arrogant git! What arrogance. (To LENNY.) Will you be supplying her with yobs?
LENNY. I've got a very distinguished clientele, Joey. They're more distinguished than you'll ever be.
MAX. So you can count yourself lucky we're including you in.
JOEY. I didn't think I was going to have to share her!
MAX. Well, you are going to have to share her! Otherwise she goes straight back to America. You understand?
Pause.
It's tricky enough as it is, without you shoving your oar in. But there's something worrying me. Perhaps she's not so up to the mark. Eh? Teddy, you're the best judge. Do you think she'd be up to the mark?
Pause.
I mean what about all this teasing? Is she going to make a habit of it? That'll get us nowhere.
Pause.
TEDDY. It was just love play . . . I suppose . . . that's all I suppose it was.
MAX. Love play? Two bleeding hours? That's a bloody long time for love play!
LENNY. I don't think we've got anything to worry about on that score, Dad.
MAX. How do you know?
LENNY. I'm giving you a professional opinion.
LENNY goes to TEDDY.
LENNY. Listen, Teddy, you could help us, actually. If I were to send you some cards, over to America . . . you know, very nice ones, with a name on, and a telephone number, very discreet, well, you could distribute them . . . to various parties, who might be making a trip over here. Of course, you'd get a little percentage out of it.
MAX. I mean, you needn't tell them she's your wife.
LENNY. No, we'd call her something else. Dolores, or something.
MAX. Or Spanish Jacky.
LENNY. No, you've got to be reserved about it, Dad. We could call her something nice . . . like Cynthia . . . or Gillian.
Pause.
JOEY. Gillian.
Pause.
LENNY. No, what I mean, Teddy, you must know lots of professors, heads of departments, men like that. They pop over here for a week at the Savoy, they need somewhere they can go to have a nice quiet poke. And of course you'd be in a position to give them inside information.
MAX. Sure. You can give them proper data. I bet you before two months we'd have a waiting list.
LENNY. You could be our representative in the States.
MAX. Of course. We're talking in international terms! By the time we've finished Pan-American'll give us a discount.
Pause.
TEDDY. She'd get old . . . very quickly.
MAX. No . . . not in this day and age! With the health service? Old! How could she get old? She'll have the time of her life.
RUTH comes down the stairs, dressed.
She comes into the room.
She smiles at the gathering, and sits.
Silence.
TEDDY. Ruth . . . the family have invited you to stay, for a little while longer. As a . . . as a kind of guest. If you like the idea I don't mind. We can manage very easily at home . . . until you come back.
RUTH. How very nice of them.
Pause.
MAX. It's an offer from our heart.
RUTH. It's very sweet of you.
MAX. Listen . . . it would be our pleasure.
Pause.
RUTH. I think I'd be too much trouble.
MAX. Trouble? What are you talking about? What trouble? Listen, I'll tell you something. Since poor Jessie died, eh, Sam? we haven't had a woman in the house. Not one. Inside this house. And I'll tell you why. Because their mother's image was so dear any other woman would have . . . tarnished it. But you . . . Ruth . . . you're not only lovely and beautiful, but you're kin. You're kith. You belong here.
Pause.
RUTH. I'm very touched.
MAX. Of course you're touched. I'm touched.
Pause.
TEDDY. But Ruth, I should tell you . . . that you'll have to pull your weight a little, if you stay. Financially. My father isn't very well off.
RUTH (to MAX). Oh, I'm sorry.
MAX. No, you'd just have to bring in a little, that's all. A few pennies. Nothing much. It's just that we're waiting for Joey to hit the top as a boxer. When Joey hits the top . . . well . . .
Pause.
TEDDY. Or you can come home with me.
LENNY. We'd get you a flat
Pause.
RUTH. A flat?
LENNY. Yes.
RUTH. Where?
LENNY. In town.
Pause.
But you'd live here, with us.
MAX. Of course you would. This would be your home. In the bosom of the family.
LENNY. You'd just pop up to the flat a couple of hours a night, that's all.
MAX. Just a couple of hours, that's all. That's all.
LENNY. And you make enough money to keep you going here.
Pause.
RUTH. How many rooms would this flat have?
LENNY. Not many.
RUTH. I would want at least three rooms and a bathroom.
LENNY. You wouldn't need three rooms and a bathroom.
MAX. She'd need a bathroom.
LENNY. But not three rooms.
Pause.
RUTH. Oh, I would. Really.
LENNY. Two would do.
RUTH. No. Two wouldn't be enough.
Pause.
I'd want a dressing-room, a rest-room, and a bedroom.
Pause.
LENNY. All right, we'll get you a flat with three rooms and a bathroom.
RUTH. With what kind of conveniences?
LENNY. All conveniences.
RUTH. A personal maid?
LENNY. Of course.
Pause.
We'd finance you, to begin with, and then, when you were established, you could pay us back, in instalments.
RUTH. Oh, no, I wouldn't agree to that.
LENNY. Oh, why not?
RUTH. You would have to regard your original outlay simply as a capital investment.
Pause.
LENNY. I see. All right.
RUTH. You'd supply my wardrobe, of course?
LENNY. We'd supply everything. Everything you need.
RUTH. I'd need an awful lot. Otherwise I wouldn't be content.
LENNY. You'd have everything.
RUTH. I would naturally want to draw up an inventory of everything I would need, which would require your signatures in the presence of witnesses.
LENNY. Naturally.
RUTH. All aspects of the agreement and conditions of employment would have to be clarified to our mutual satisfaction before we finalized the contract.
LENNY. Of course.
Pause.
RUTH. Well, it might prove a workable arrangement.
LENNY. I think so.
MAX. And you'd have the whole of your daytime free, of course. You could do a bit of cooking here if you wanted to.
LENNY. Make the beds.
MAX. Scrub the place out a bit.
TEDDY. Keep everyone company.
SAM comes forward.
SAM (in one breath). MacGregor had Jessie in the back of my cab as I drove them along.
He croaks and collapses.
He lies still.
They look at him.
MAX. What's he done? Dropped dead?
LENNY. Yes.
MAX. A corpse? A corpse on my floor? Get him out of here! Clear him out of here!
JOEY bends over SAM.
JOEY. He's not dead.
LENNY. He probably was dead, for about thirty seconds.
MAX. He's not even dead!
LENNY looks down at SAM.
LENNY. Yes, there's still some breath there.
MAX (pointing at SAM). You know what that man had?
LENNY. Has.
MAX. Has! A diseased imagination.
Pause.
RUTH. Yes, it sounds a very attractive idea.
&n
bsp; MAX. Do you want to shake on it now, or do you want to leave it till later?
RUTH. Oh, we'll leave it till later.
TEDDY stands.
He looks down at SAM.
TEDDY. I was going to ask him to drive me to London Airport.
He goes to the cases, picks one up.
Well, I'll leave your case, Ruth. I'll just go up the road to the Underground.
MAX. Listen, if you go the other way, first left, first right, you remember, you might find a cab passing there.
TEDDY. Yes, I might do that.
MAX. Or you can take the tube to Piccadilly Circus, won't take you ten minutes, and pick up a cab from there out to the Airport.
TEDDY. Yes, I’ll probably do that.
MAX. Mind you, they'll charge you double fare. They'll charge you for the return trip. It's over the six-mile limit.
TEDDY. Yes. Well, bye-bye, Dad. Look after yourself.
They shake hands.
MAX. Thanks, son. Listen. I want to tell you something. It's been wonderful to see you.
Pause.
TEDDY. It's been wonderful to see you.
MAX. Do your boys know about me? Eh? Would they like to see a photo, do you think, of their grandfather?
TEDDY. I know they would.
MAX brings out his wallet.
MAX. I've got one on me. I've got one here. Just a minute. Here you are. Will they like that one?
TEDDY (taking it). They'll be thrilled.
He turns to LENNY.
Good-bye, Lenny.
They shake hands.
LENNY. Ta-ta, Ted. Good to see you. Have a good trip.
TEDDY. Bye-bye, Joey.
JOEY does not move.
JOEY. Ta-ta.
TEDDY goes to the front door.
RUTH. Eddie.
TEDDY turns.
Pause.
Don't become a stranger.
TEDDY goes, shuts the front door.
Silence.
The three men stand.
RUTH sits relaxed on her chair.
SAM lies still.
JOEY walks slowly across the room.
He kneels at her chair.
She touches his head, lightly.
He puts his head in her lap.
MAX begins to move above them, backwards and forwards.
LENNY stands still.
MAX turns to LENNY.
MAX. I'm too old, I suppose. She thinks I'm an old man.
Pause.
I'm not such an old man.
Pause.
(To RUTH.) You think I'm too old for you?
Pause.
Listen. You think you're just going to get that big slag all the time? You think you're just going to have him . . . you're going to just have him all the time? You're going to have to work! You'll have to take them on, you understand?
Pause.
Does she realize that?
Pause.
Lenny, do you think she understands . . .
He begins to stammer.
What . . . what . . . what . . . we're getting at? What . . . we've got in mind? Do you think she's got it clear?
Pause.
I don't think she's got it clear.
Pause.
You understand what I mean? Listen, I've got a funny idea she'll do the dirty on us, you want to bet? She'll use us, she'll make use of us, I can tell you! I can smell it! You want to bet?
Pause.
She won't . . . be adaptable!
He begins to groan, clutches his stick, falls on to his knees by the side of her chair. His body sags. The groaning stops. His body straightens. He looks at her, still kneeling.
I'm not an old man.
Pause.
Do you hear me?
He raises his face to her.
Kiss me.
She continues to touch JOEY’S head, lightly.
LENNY stands, watching.
Curtain
Tea Party
TEA PARTY was commissioned by sixteen member countries of the European Broadcasting Union, to be transmitted by all of them under the title, The Largest Theatre in the World. It was first presented by B.B.C. Television on 25 March 1965 with the following cast:
DISSON Leo McKern
WENDY Vivien Merchant
DIANA Jennifer Wright
WILLY Charles Gray
DISLEY John Le Mesurier
LOIS Margaret Denyer
FATHER Frederick Piper
MOTHER Hilda Barry
TOM Peter Bartlett
JOHN Robert Bartlett
Directed by Charles Jarrott
A stage version of TEA PARTY, in double-bill with the BASEMENT, opened at the Duchess Theatre, London, on 17 September 1970, directed by James Hammerstein and produced by Eddie Kulukundis for Knightsbridge Theatrical Productions Ltd, with the following cast:
DISSON Donald Pleasence
WENDY Vivien Merchant
DIANA Gabrielle Drake
WILLY Barry Foster
TOM Robin Angell
JOHN Kevin Chippendale
DISLEY Derek Aylward
LOIS Jill Johnson
FATHER Arthur Hewlett
MOTHER Hilda Barry
An electric lift rising to the top floor of an office block. WENDY stands in it.
Corridor.
The lift comes to rest in a broad carpeted corridor, the interior of an office suite. It is well appointed, silent. The walls are papered with Japanese silk. Along the walls in alcoves are set, at various intervals, a selection of individually designed wash basins, water closets and bidets, all lit by hooded spotlights.
WENDY steps out of the lift and walks down the corridor towards a door. She knocks. It opens.
Disson's office. Morning.
DISSON rising from a large desk. He goes round the desk to meet WENDY and shakes her hand.
DISSON. How do you do, Miss Dodd? Nice of you to come. Please sit down.
DISSON goes back to his seat behind the desk. WENDY sits in a chair at the corner of the desk.
That's right.
He refers to papers on the desk.
Well now, I've had a look at your references. They seem to be excellent. You've had quite a bit of experience.
WENDY. Yes, sir.
DISSON. Not in my line, of course. We manufacture sanitary ware . . . but I suppose you know that?
WENDY. Yes, of course I do, Mr Disson.
DISSON. You've heard of us, have you?
WENDY. Oh yes.
WENDY crosses her left leg over her right.
DISSON. Well, do you think you'd be interested in . . . in this area of work?
WENDY. Oh, certainly, sir, yes, I think I would.
DISSON. We're the most advanced sanitary engineers in the country. I think I can say that quite confidently.
WENDY. Yes, I believe so.
DISSON. Oh yes. We manufacture more bidets than anyone else in England. (He laughs.) It's almost by way of being a mission. Cantilever units, hidden cisterns, footpedals, you know, things like that.
WENDY. Footpedals?
DISSON. Instead of a chain or plug. A footpedal.
WENDY. Oh. How marvellous.
DISSON. They're growing more popular every day and rightly so.
WENDY crosses her right leg over her left.
Well now, this . . . post is, in fact, that of my personal assistant. Did you understand that? A very private secretary, in fact. And a good deal of responsibility would undoubtedly devolve upon you. Would you . . . feel yourself capable of discharging it?
WENDY. Once I’d correlated all the fundamental features of the work, sir, I think so, yes.
DISSON. All the fundamental features, yes. Good.
WENDY crosses her left leg over her right.
I see you left your last job quite suddenly.
Pause.
May I ask the reason?
WENDY. Well, it's . . . a little embarrassing, sir.
DISSON. Really?
&nbs
p; Pause.
Well, I think I should know, don't you? Come on, you can tell me. What was it?
WENDY straightens her skirt over her knees.
WENDY. Well, it is rather personal, Mr Disson.
DISSON. Yes, but I think I should know, don't you?
Pause.
WENDY. Well, it's simply that I couldn't persuade my chief . . . to call a halt to his attentions.
DISSON. What? (He consults the papers on the desk.) A firm of this repute? It's unbelievable.
WENDY. I'm afraid it's true, sir.
Pause.
DISSON. What sort of attentions?
WENDY. Oh, I don't . . .
DISSON. What sort?
Pause.
WENDY. He never stopped touching me, Mr Disson, that's all.
DISSON. Touching you?
WENDY. Yes.
DISSON. Where? (Quickly.) That must have been very disturbing for you.
WENDY. Well, quite frankly, it is disturbing, to be touched all the time.
DISSON. Do you mean at every opportunity?
WENDY. Yes, sir.
Slight pause.
DISSON. Did you cry?
WENDY. Cry?
DISSON. Did he make you cry?
WENDY. Oh just a little, occasionally, sir.
DISSON. What a monster.
Slight pause.
Well, I do sympathize.
WENDY. Thank you, sir.
DISSON. One would have thought this . . . tampering, this . . . interfering . . . with secretaries was something of the past, a myth, in fact, something that only took place in paperback books. Tch. Tch.
WENDY crosses her right leg over her left.
Anyway, be that as it may, your credentials are excellent and I would say you possessed an active and inquiring intelligence and a pleasing demeanour, two attributes I consider necessary for this post. I'd like you to start immediately.
WENDY. Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you so much, Mr Disson.
DISSON. Not at all.
They stand. He walks across the room to another desk.
This'll be your desk.
WENDY. Ah.
DISSON. There are certain personal arrangements I'd like you to check after lunch. I'm . . . getting married tomorrow.
WENDY. Oh, congratulations.
DISSON. Thanks. Yes, this is quite a good week for me, what with one thing and another.
The telephone rings on his desk.
He crosses and picks it up.
Hullo, Disley. How are you? . . . What? Oh my goodness, don't say that.
Disson’s house. Sitting-room. Evening.
Complete Works, Volume III Page 7
