“Yeah, just a boring dad. That’s me,” he deadpans. “What the fuck did you come over here for?”
She gets all shifty. “Fine. I can see flirting won’t get me anywhere with you.” Is that what she calls that? Wow, that’s sad. “I need some, uh, gas money. You got any?”
I don’t know jack shit about this girl. Nothing. But I can sure as hell tell that whatever she needs money for, it’s not gas. She’s dressed like a damn hooker and can barely stand still for more than five seconds. She’s speeding on something.
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!” Hudson yells loudly, rearing his chest up some.
I’ve actually never seen him this way before and it kind of freaks me out. He looks like he’s either about to hit something or completely blow a fuse.
“Hudson,” I say, speaking my first words since walking over, exerting enough caution in my voice to get him to look at me. I shift my eyes over Joey’s way. She’s just standing there, frozen, watching her dad barely hang on to his sanity. He looks at her and seems to come back to reality, taking a deep breath and stepping away from Jess.
“Need your bitch to reign you in? HA!” she taunts Hudson.
Again, Hudson’s chest puffs up. I put my hand on his arm. He instantly cools down.
I look Jess straight in the eyes. “Ya know, you think that by calling me names, I’m gonna get upset. Hate to break it to you but it won’t work. I’m not that kind of girl.” She shifts back and forth on her heels, clenching her fists, growing agitated at the lack of affect her words have on me.
“You think that makes you better than me or something? Bitch,” she adds with an evil smirk.
“Actually, I think the fact that you blatantly dismissed your own flesh and blood, in front of her and her boring father, makes me better than you,” I tell her calmly. Hudson snickers at the boring comment. I tilt my head some and give her the creepiest, most sinister smile I can muster. “So, Jess, you need to leave. Now. Before I completely forget that I’m better than you and beat your ass for insulting the little girl and man whom I love.”
She goes white. Or whiter than she already was. “What the fuck ever. Have fun with your perfect little picture family, bitch.”
And she saunters off.
Jess: 0, Me: 1.
“Holy. Shit,” Hudson says, obviously surprised. “That was so fucking hot.” He walks up close to me and points a finger in my face. “You’re so getting laid tonight.”
I smile and shrug. “I may be little, but I’m tough.”
“Apparently,” he laughs. His voice drops low. “Did you just, uh, did you just say you love me?”
Did I? Huh. Oh, well. It was bound to come out anyway.
I shake my head. “Nah. Probably just a heat of the moment thing. Couldn’t possibly be true.”
That’s a total lie. It is true. So very, very true. I’m head over heels in love with this man.
He laughs and hugs me close, kissing my temple and then straight down to my ear. I can feel him smiling against my face in every kiss. “I love you too, Rae,” he whispers.
A huge grin breaks out across my face. “I said it was a fluke,” I tease softly back to him.
“Uh-huh. Right. You so love me.”
I push him away, laughing. “Oh, grow up, you weirdo. It was a fluke!”
“Daddy,” Joey says, walking over to us with Rocky in tow, “your friend cursed a lot. So did you. Ten times total. I counted. That’s like ten dollars!”
Fuck. Does that mean she heard everything else too? I look to Hudson whose eyes are twice their normal size. I can see he’s just as worried as I am about this. He looks over at me, shaking his head slightly. Guess we’ll get back to that later.
“Ten? I thought it was only seventy-five cents per curse word!” he argues, trying to keep Joey’s attention on anything other than her mother.
“Not when it’s that many,” she explains.
Hudson huffs and pulls a ten out of his pocket. “You’re gonna make me go broke, dude. Then who’s gonna pay for your groceries?”
She shrugs. “Rae will. She loves me.”
Hudson looks to me, waiting for me to say that was a fluke too. I shake my head. “Nope, I meant that part.”
He laughs. “Come on, goofballs. The beach is calling our names!”
I almost—almost—forgot where we were heading. I almost forgot about my biggest fear. Hudson did that for me—to me. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.
We pile back into the car. Joey’s out before we even hit the highway. I envy that children can just do that—fall asleep anywhere.
“So, I have to say something,” Hudson starts. I can tell that whatever this is, it’s important. “I didn’t just leave Jess. I didn’t just rip Joey from her. I just want to be sure that’s not what you’re thinking.”
“Not for a second. I can tell she’s not the most…stable person ever.”
“No, and it’s really sad because she actually used to be a great person. Really great, actually. She was nice, smart, attractive and dressed way more conservatively than she does now,” he jokes. “Then we got pregnant. At sixteen, Rae. Sixteen! Do you have any idea what that can do to a person? It can break them. Completely. And that’s exactly what it did to Jess.”
I can hear the sadness in his voice. He used to love Jess; that much is obvious. But I can also hear sadness over everything he lost: his youth, the mother of his child, a normal life for Joey.
“What happened?” I ask quietly.
He sighs. “Well…after we found out and decided we were gonna keep the baby, we told my parents first. My dad freaked out. My mother cried. Things were strained around the house for months afterwards. Then it all blew up. My dad and I had a horrible, horrible fight. I moved out and in with Jess. Her parents said we had until the baby came and then we had to get our own place. So we did. And it awesome for a while. Even though we had a new baby, the freedom we had felt so amazing. It only took about a year and a half for it to all start falling apart right under my nose.”
He pauses, taking a deep breath and scratching his nose, his eyes never leaving the road.
“We were eighteen. I had graduated early and was working all the time. And when I say working, I really do mean working. I spent countless hours at Jacked Up, sixty hours a week sometimes. Horton used to pay me cash under the table to help him out with personal projects. I did it to keep up with the bills because it seemed like every time I turned around, Jess was asking for more money. I didn’t know jack shit about the finances so I just assumed it was all going to Joey and rent and utilities. I was wrong.”
He stops again, briefly squeezing his eyes shut. “You don’t have to continue, Hudson. I can guess what happened next.”
“No, I need to tell you this.”
I nod. He continues.
“I came home one night to find Jess just sitting on the couch and Joey screaming her head off just a few feet away. I assumed she was really tired or something and spacing out. What I didn’t realize is that she was as high as a kite. It took me another week to find out what she was doing with all that money I’d been giving her: drugs. She started with coke about two months after Joey was born to lose the baby weight. A friend at work got her hooked. I had no clue it was going on for two years. She didn’t really seem off at all. Apparently it was just an occasional thing at first. Then it turned pretty serious and she started shooting up some. After I found that out, I took Joey and left for a week. Tucker saved my ass with that,” he says, a small smile slipping through.
“Tucker is a good guy,” I comment.
His smile grows even bigger. “The best.”
Hudson’s quiet for a moment. I can see how much talking about this is affecting him. There’s a tightness in his jaw and his hands are gripping the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white. I’m just not sure who he’s more upset with—himself or Jess.
“So,” he finally says. “Eventually I went back. Jess sought me out every day, telling me
how sorry she was, promising she’d quit. I believed her. I think a part of me craved the kind of relationship my parents had and that’s why I went back. Everything was great for about eight months. And then I caught her fucking around with another co-worker because at that time we hadn’t been intimate in months. Maybe that was my fault, because this was when Horton got sick and I started taking over the shop.” He sounds so sad about that last part, like he still blames himself, which is really fucking stupid. “Anyway, I stayed. Forgave her even. But then, a few months later, I started finding little hints—signs—that she was back on the drugs. That was the last straw. So I took Joey, who was four at the time, in the middle of the night and left. Moved back in with my parents and never once looked back. Back there at the station was the first time she’s seen Joey since I left.”
We don’t speak for miles.
I reach over and place my hand on his arm. “You were young, afraid, and just trying to make it work on your own. You did what you thought was right at the time. You’re a great father, Hudson. Everything you went through with Jess just brought you closer to your amazing daughter. Don’t ever think you did anything wrong because at the time it was right for you.”
The air around us shifts. I think Hudson finally telling me about Jess somehow brought us closer together.
“Thank you,” he says softly.
“No problem. It’s what I do,” I joke, attempting to lighten the mood. “Does Joey ever ask about Jess?”
He shakes his head. “Not anymore. She did a lot at first. But I told her she had her Nanna, who has been in her life every day since she was four, and I guess that’s always been enough for her.”
I nod. “Makes sense I guess.”
“Can I ask you a question?” he asks.
“Anything.”
“Why don’t you like kids?”
Fuck.
“Anything but that?” I try. He shakes his head no. “Damn. Points for trying.” I blow out a breath. “This isn’t a happy story, Hudson,” I warn.
“Like mine was?”
“You got Joey out of it.”
“True,” he smiles. “But you’re not getting out of this. I’m ready.”
“Right. So, my mom…well, she kinda sucked. She wasn’t very….affectionate. Like at all. Remember that painting of the ocean I told you about?” He nods. “That’s the absolute closest she ever got to showing affection. Haley remembers a different mother up until those last two years. I was too young to really remember. All I know is that I don’t ever remember her saying ‘I love you’ or even hugging me.”
“Shit. That does suck,” Hudson chimes in.
“It gets worse. The year after my last good memory, we went to the beach for a small vacation to celebrate my mom’s and my birthday—we have the same one. I guess my dad thought it might make my mom happy.” I smile sadly. “My dad was all about making her happy. The sun set with her for him,” I tell him, my voice cracking some.
Hudson reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it a few times.
“Anyway, the first few days were amazing. My mom smiled a lot. Everyone was happy. Or so we thought.” I wipe away the single tear rolling down my face. “Our birthday was on the last day of the vacation. It was also the last day I saw my mother.”
Hudson clears his throat. “Wha…what happened, Rae?
“She killed herself.”
Hudson
“Holy shit,” I breathe out. “I am so damn sorry, Rae. That’s…wow. Just wow.”
I can’t even put into words how her confession makes me feel. I can completely understand her aversion to kids now.
“Thanks. It’s just hard sometimes around kids. I don’t understand the whole ‘a mother’s love’ thing. I never got any of that, ya know? So I don’t really know how to act around them—how to express myself. I clam up, terrified that I’m doing it wrong,” she says.
“I get it. I appreciate you trying with Joey.”
Rae smiles big. “She makes it easy. It’s impossible not to love her. While I’m glad Junked-Out Jess isn’t around her in the state she’s in, I just don’t get how she doesn’t care about her. Blows my mind, kind of.”
Junked-Out Jess, huh? Nice.
“Word. So much word,” I tell her.
She laughs. “So eloquent.”
I shoot her a look. “Really? That’s rich coming from you.”
“Are we there yet?” Joey’s scratchy voice comes from the back.
“Close, bug. About ten more minutes.”
“Drive faster, Daddy.”
I roll my eyes at her. “So demanding.”
“Are you getting excited, Joey?” Rae asks, turning around to look at her.
“So very excited!”
“Me too,” I confess. “I haven’t been to the beach since the summer before Joey was born. We used to go all the time though, checking out different rentals with my grandparents to see which one they wanted to buy. I actually ended up saving some girl from drowning one year. Made me feel like a hero for weeks afterwards.”
I can see Rae scrunch up her brows.
“What?” I ask.
“Oh, nothing,” she answers. Something seems off but I don’t really want to press it because I know the conversation we just had was pretty draining for her.
“Hey, Daddy?”
I can tell just from the tone of her question that whatever comes out of her mouth next will have to do with Jess.
“Why was Mommy at the gas station? She looked weird. She was being mean to Rae and I don’t like it,” Joey says with just a hint of anger lining her voice.
I let out a deep sigh, wishing this weren’t something I had to talk to my kid about. “I don’t know, Joe. We haven’t seen her in a long time, huh?” I look up in the mirror to see her shaking her head. “How do you feel about that? Do you miss her?”
She seems to really think on this a second, her little brows scrunching in concentration. I look over at Rae who is watching her. She’s holding on to her necklace, rubbing it between her fingers. It’s something I’ve notice her do when she’s nervous. Can’t say I blame her. I’m nervous about Joey’s answer too.
Finally, Joey talks. “All the kids at school talk about their Moms. I tell them about Nanna. Sometimes they laugh and say I don’t have a mom.”
I rub my chest because that little confession honestly hurt my heart. “I’m sorry, bug,” I tell her.
“I’m not. I love Nanna. And you know what, Dad?” she asks.
“What?”
“I miss Mommy sometimes.”
I wince. “You do?”
“Yep, but I have you and Nanna and Rae,” Joey says proudly. “Oh, and Uncle Tuck and Uncle G. But don’t tell them I almost forgot about them.”
A grin breaks out across my face. She knows that she doesn’t need approval or love from a woman who isn’t even in her life. Even at her young age, she understands that the love she gets from everyone else is enough—it’s just as good.
“Good, Joe. That’s…that’s good.”
Rae’s hand comes to rest on my thigh. I reach down and grab it, bringing it up to my mouth. I kiss and squeeze it tightly a few times before dropping it back down to rest in my lap with mine. Just knowing Rae is here with me for all this comforts me in ways I’ll never be able to explain to her.
“I SEE IT!” Joey suddenly shouts from the back, leaning forward as far her seatbelt allows.
“How do you know that’s it?” Rae asks. “Your daddy told me the house was yellow. That doesn’t look yellow to me.”
“It’s…it’s yellow? But that’s my least favorite color! I can’t stay in a yellow house!” Joey says dramatically, tossing herself back on the seat.
I chuckle. “Relax, my little drama queen. Either you stay in a yellow house or you walk your little butt back to Wakefield.”
“Fine. Yellow it is,” she huffs. “But I want the big bedroom to share with Rocky. He’s a bed hog.”
I look to Rae, who barel
y hides her smiles and shrugs.
“Deal,” I tell Joey.
Rae makes a low whiplash noise. I just laugh because she’s so right.
“WHOA! This place is so cool, Daddy!” Joey shouts, running all over the house. “My room is huge! Can we live here, please?”
“You haven’t even seen the beach yet and you already want to move in?”
“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe I almost forgot about the beach! We must go see it. Now please!”
Rae leans in and whispers, “How much sugar did you give her?”
“Probably too much. Just means she’ll crash and burn later,” I tell her, waggling my eyebrows at her. She giggles and I fall in love with the twinkle in her eyes.
I’ve had a huge stupid grin on my face since we got out of the car. Partly from Joey’s excitement and partly from this amazing girl I’m holding in my arms, staring out at the water with.
We get lost for a moment in each other, forgetting about everything else. I lean in and brush my lips across hers, telling her with my sweet kisses how I feel.
This is bliss.
“Come on, you two!” Joey yells from the front porch, the door wide open.
“Ugh, should have named her Mood Killer,” I grumble.
Rae laughs and pushes me toward the door. “You love it and you know it.”
I hold out my fingers, pinching them really close together. “Just a smidge.”
Rae’s extremely quiet the entire way down to the shore, holding her breath as we walk the small path. I don’t think she wants me to notice, so I pretend I don’t. I’m sure being here is hard for her right now, considering how it ended the last time she was at the ocean. I wish she had told me about her mother before we were less than twenty minutes away, because I would have never even suggested this trip. But I also know Rae, so I know how straightforward she is. If this were something she didn’t want to do, we wouldn’t be here now.
As Joey dips her toes into the water for the very first time, Rae reaches for my hand, squeezing it tightly.
“Something’s rolling around in that pretty little head of yours. I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you,” I tell her quietly, never taking my eyes off Joey as we stop about three feet from the water’s edge.
Here's to Tomorrow Page 22
