“Got any whiskey instead?” I joke.
“I have coffee, coffee, or apple juice. Your pick.”
I sigh. “Coffee is fine. Thank you.”
She gets up and heads to the kitchen, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I saved her, huh. Thanks for that great advice, Mom. I groan and fall back onto the couch, closing my eyes and grabbing onto my head, because apparently that’s going to make me see things better.
Fuck!
I know that I need to forgive Rae. I know that none of it was really her fault, but it’s hard. It’s hard to get over her not telling me about her nightmare or her fears. It’s hard to look past the fact that she was supposed to be watching after Joey. I was gone for twenty-five minutes tops and Joey almost drowns. What would have happened if I had been gone thirty minutes? Or, hell, even twenty-six minutes? Where would Joey be? Where would Rae be? What would I have gone back to?
But I’ll never know. I’ll never find out. And I’m so damn thankful for that. But what if? That’s the part I can’t get through my head, the part I can’t get over.
I’m scared, terrified even, of something else happening to her under Rae’s watch. But I—or should I say my heart—know that I shouldn’t be. This all happened because of what happened to Rae and not any other reason. Rae’s still a responsible adult and she’s damn good with Joey. I just need to get my head wrapped around that.
“You’re thinking too hard about it,” my mom says. I open my eyes to find her standing in the doorway. “Did I ever tell you about that time your dad left you in the car when you were about three?”
“What? No?” It comes out a question for some reason.
She nods and comes to sit next to me on the couch. “It’s true. It was on a hot summer day, too. Windows up and everything. He had picked you up from daycare and I was still at work when it happened. I pulled into the driveway after work and walked inside. I knew almost instantly that something was wrong because you always greeted me at the door. Your father was passed out on the couch, just snoozing away. I called your name over and over again, getting nothing but echoes back. My yelling roused your father from his sleep eventually. He was panicked, completely freaking out, calling for you. We obviously never got an answer. The cops were called and everything. A police officer just happened to look inside the car window a half hour after they got there.”
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely shocked. “What happened? How did dad forget about me?”
She shrugs. “He was exhausted, Hudson. We weren’t in the best financial spot and were both working long hours. You fell asleep on the way home and he just kind of zonked out, forgetting you were even in the back seat since I was the one to usually pick you up.”
“Wow. I had no idea. I mean, I kinda remember the lights from the police cars, but nothing else. How did you two handle it?”
“Honestly? I was pissed for a long time. You were out there for over two hours, Hudson. That’s a long time in a hot car. The police said we were lucky that you were already asleep so you didn’t panic or anything. That would have made it a lot worse,” she tells me. “We didn’t really talk for almost two weeks. Two weeks. We lived together and were raising a kid together. That’s a long time to go without talking. It was hard. But then I just realized one day that you were safe; you were okay. That was suddenly enough for me. I never once stopped loving your father in those two weeks. In fact, I think it made me love him more. My heart did nothing but crave his the entire time. I think the whole thing brought us a lot closer together.”
And then it clicks for me. That’s what I’ve been feeling this last week and some odd days. Emptiness. Yearning.
I need Rae back in my life. She makes me smile. She makes me happy. She makes me feel whole. And I love her. Fuck, do I love her.
Joey’s safe—happy even. In the end, that’s what counts the most. The “what if” of it all doesn’t matter anymore. It’s time for me to find that happiness again—to get back what I had with Rae—because I don’t know how much more of this separation my heart can take.
“You get that worked out?” my mom asks, smiling softly at me.
I blow out a big breath and look her in the eyes. “Yeah, I think I did.”
Rae
Perry and Maura have been knocking on my front door for the past half hour. I refuse to answer it. Actually, I refuse to even move off this couch.
But I know I’m fucked when I hear keys jiggling.
“Really, Rae? They’re your best friends,” Haley says, marching through the door.
And just like I’ve been doing for two weeks, I ignore her.
“Whatever,” she mumbles, walking to her room and slamming the door. I don’t even flinch or care because I’m still way too pissed off at her.
Maura comes and takes a seat next to me on the couch. Perry paces.
“Rae,” Maura starts gently. “You need to get out of the apartment. The only place you’ve gone is work. It’s time.”
I just look at her. “Are you for real? ‘It’s time?’ Do you even realize how badly I fucked up? Do you even realize that I almost killed a little girl?”
“Oh, come off it already, Rae! No one fucking blames you! I bet Hudson doesn’t even blame you! You reacted—normally I might add—to an extremely fucked up situation in your past. You’ve been unknowingly living with PTSD for your entire life! No. One. Blames. You,” Perry shouts, clearly irritated.
Where does he get off being pissed at me? I bet he knew about it all along!
I glare at him. “Did you know, Perry? Did you know what happened to me? To my mother?”
“Don’t you dare insult me like that. Fuck no, I didn’t know! I’m just as pissed as you are at Haley and Uncle Ted,” Perry exclaims, bellowing that last part extra loud so Haley hears him.
“FUCK OFF, PERRY!” Haley yells.
I can’t help but snicker at that. Perry notices.
“See,” he says softly. “I know my girl is in there somewhere. Now go shower. We’re going to Lake Q. You need some thinking time away from the asshole in there.”
Maura stands. “I’ll help you. Come on,” she says, holding her hand out to me.
I sigh. “Fine. But I’m wearing my sweats.”
We pull into my favorite spot at Lake Q and Perry and I climb out of the car. I grab my favorite blanket, spread it out and get ready to settle down for some “me” time.
“We’ll be back in an hour or so,” Maura says from the passenger side of Perry’s car.
They decided it’d be best if I had a little time to myself first. I wholeheartedly agreed.
Perry wraps his arms around me. “I love you, sweet girl. Remember that.”
I watch him climb back into the car and drive away, leaving me with my thoughts. They’re not pretty right now.
I feel so, so bad for what happened with Joey. And I know things could have ended so much worse than they did, but that doesn’t just make all the guilt go away. Hudson had every right to kick me out. Every right to end things. I deserve it.
Sitting down on my blanket, I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them and just stare out at the lake. Just like Maura said, this is the first time I’ve been anywhere but Clyde’s since my birthday. Perry dropped everything to come pick me up that day, and I didn’t even speak to him the entire way home. I didn’t talk to anyone. It took me three days to tell Maura and Perry.
Then I just blew up at Haley and haven’t talked to her since the moment she told me she knew my “nightmare” was actually a memory. She must have told my father that I now know the truth, because he keeps blowing my phone up every night when he gets off work. He’s stopped by the apartment twice, but never made it past the front door being slammed right in his face.
I am so beyond pissed at them both. They lied to me—and everyone else, apparently—for years. Years! And for what? My mental health? Because they didn’t want me to be upset? Makes me wonder how much of their concern was fo
r me and how much of it was for themselves in case I ever found out. It’s going to take me a long time to ever fully forgive them. Gonna make for one hell of an awkward Thanksgiving.
I may not have talked to Haley while she was talking to me but I sure as shit listened.
She claims they let me believe it was all a dream because that’s what I thought it was and they just never corrected me. Especially as I got older, because they didn’t know how I would take it all since it happened on my birthday…the day before my mother killed herself.
Turns out my mother did love me, she just didn’t know how to show it. She had some postpartum depression after she had me that lasted many months. She eventually came out of it and there were a few happy years. I don’t remember much since I was so young but once Haley said it, I remembered my mother’s smile. It was beautiful.
Then she got pregnant again when I was five. That information surprised me because I didn’t remember it at all, but Haley knew. She lost the baby. Her depression spiraled out of control, leading to her suicide.
I don’t understand why they would hide all that from me. Was it because of when she killed herself? Did they think I would have blamed myself? I think at first I might have thought that—especially when I was younger—but there’s no way I would have carried that guilt very long. I understand depression. I get that it’s not something that can be helped.
I don’t and won’t ever blame my mother for what happened. I’ll never get to tell her that, so I do the next best thing I can think of. “I don’t blame you, Mom. None of it was your fault,” I say quietly, out loud for the first time.
“Guess it’s only fair that I can’t blame you either, huh?”
I turn toward the mysterious voice and gasp.
“Hudson.”
Hudson
The moment I laid eyes on her just sitting there in her sweatpants and t-shirt, all curled up into herself, I knew I was making the right decision.
Perry called me the other day to tell me everything he knew about Rae’s mom and how Haley and Ted hid it from her for years, letting her believe it was nothing but a recurring nightmare. He told me she hadn’t spoken to either of them—or him—since the Wednesday after the beach.
I get it. I completely understand her silence toward them. I’d be pissed too. Hell, I am pissed. But I also understand it some—at least Ted’s involvement. He did what he thought was right to protect her. I’d do the same for Joey.
I just wish I had told her earlier that I didn’t blame her for any of it, because seeing her like this hurts. And then I hear her talking to her mom? Yeah, my heart broke at that.
I give her a small smile and motion to the spot next to her. She scoots over, so I fold myself down and stare out at the lake with her.
She’s not doing well in the breathing department. Every breath sounds so harsh.
“I don’t blame you, Rae,” I tell her softly.
Her body shakes as she starts crying. “You should, Hudson. You really, really should.”
“How can I? You can’t help what happened in your past. Anyone that has to face a traumatic event like that would break. I get that it wasn’t you out there. I promise you that. I’m not mad at you, Rae.”
She sniffles, wiping at her face. “Then why haven’t you called or anything?”
“Because I’m horribly pissed at myself, Rae,” I say on a sigh.
“But…but why? You didn’t do anything wrong. Hell, you saved her!”
“I knew something was off before I even left you with her. You were so clammy the previous day and wouldn’t even look out at the water for more than a few seconds without breaking into a sweat,” I tell her. “I should have known she would talk you into taking her down to the beach and that’s the last position I should have put you in. You weren’t ready to face it on your own. And that’s okay, Rae. It really is. It’s my fault for making you face that on your own. I’m sorry for that.”
I peek over at her. She’s staring at me with her mouth hanging open. I reach over with two fingers and close it for her.
“Flies, Rae.”
She smiles. She. Smiles. And in that instant, my world becomes whole again.
“I can’t… I can’t believe you blame yourself. That’s kind of ridiculous,” she says.
“Ditto,” I wink.
She huffs out a breath. “Well, aren’t we quite the duo.”
I chuckle slightly.
We sit quietly for several minutes, just staring out at the lake.
She breaks first.
“I’m sorry, Hudson. So, so sorry.”
I shake my head and swallow thickly. “I know you are, Rae. And I know now that it really truly wasn’t anyone’s fault. My mom kinda made me realize that.”
She buries her face in her hands and groans. “She knows?”
“Of course. And she’s not mad you. Promise.”
“What…what did she say?”
“‘Everything happens for a reason.’ It’s kind of her motto.”
“That’s it? That’s all she said?” Rae asks, clearly shocked.
“Yep. And she saw fit to remind me that I saved you once.” I bump my shoulder into hers. “You’re welcome for that, by the way.”
Rae smiles again. “Thank you, but I guess I still don’t get how that’s all she said.”
“At first I didn’t either. I was really confused. But then I just kind of realized that if I hadn’t saved you, I wouldn’t have met you. Point one for her,” I joke. “If this whole thing hadn’t happened with Joey, you would have never found out about your mom—or how we really met. You’d still be in the dark about that. You’d still think you weren’t fit to be a parent because you never knew how it felt to be loved by your mother.”
I pause briefly and take a deep breath. I know she may get upset over this next part but I have to say it.
“I was pissed at you at first because you didn’t tell me about your nightmare or your fear, but I get why you didn’t. You didn’t think any of it was real. You went down to that beach to face it once and for all. You had no idea it would all come crashing down around you. And boy did it. But now, Rae? Now you’re free. You don’t have that fear anymore. You’re finally free from it all,” I tell her.
She’s quiet again. I watch her. Even with her face all puffy from crying, she’s still beautiful. I can’t believe I made myself miss two weeks of being with her. Missed two weeks of her laughter or the weird things that randomly pop out of her mouth.
“What did you get out of it all?” she asks.
“That’s easy. I got you. I got Joey. I got an awesome hero complex.”
That gets a full-fledged laugh from her. Then she grows serious. “Is Joey mad at me?”
“Not at all. She knows things like that can happen in the water and that she was out too far. She thought I was mad at her for going out that far.”
“Really?”
“Promise. She’s actually asked about you every single day, begging me to call you because she misses you. Joey loves you, Rae.”
“I love her too,” she says sadly.
I reach over and pull her hand from her legs and scoot closer. “Rae, look at me.” She does and I can see the tears beginning to pool in her eyes. “I meant what I said that weekend. I love you. That hasn’t changed.”
“How is that possible?” she asks, a few tears sliding down her face.
“How can you even ask me that? It’s so hard not to love you. You’re funny, you’re real, you’re absolutely gorgeous, and you’re smart. You’re the perfect package. You have the weirdest sense of humor and it meshes perfectly with mine. You… Fuck.” I pause. “This is gonna sound so damn stupid and I may as well just hand you my balls now, but you…you fuckin’ complete me. I didn’t even know I was missing anything until you. I honestly had no idea that my heart even had any more room in it next to Joey but you proved that it does. You share so much of that space with her. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s just you. I
love you.”
Her tears are falling harder now. I wrap her up into my arms and just hold her. I hold her until the very last tremor.
She pulls away slowly and looks me directly in the eyes. Then she leans in closely and kisses me. It’s soft and unsure at first, but I want more. Oh, man, do I want more. I flick out my tongue and she opens instantly for me. Grabbing the back of her head, I pull her with me as I fall down onto my back, our kiss never breaking.
This is what I’ve been missing. I can feel my heart swell. I can feel myself become whole again. I needed this. I need Rae.
“Well?” I ask when we finally pull apart. She’s laying half on top of me and I’ll be damned if I’m not sporting a semi.
“I missed that,” she says, brushing one more kiss across my lips.
“Me too,” I chuckle.
“I love you too, you know. I really do. Thank you for accepting me as I am. Thank you for accepting my lack of filter, for letting me in Joey’s life. You’ll never understand how much all of it has meant to me. I’ll never be able to repay you for it either.”
“You could do it in kisses?” I suggest.
She laughs.
And kisses me about a million more times over the next hour.
“What time is it?” she asks between kisses.
I pull out my phone, our lips still connected. “Eight.” Kiss. “Thirty.” Kiss. “Seven.”
She giggles and pulls back some. “I should probably head back home. And you should probably get home to tuck Joey in.”
“Mood Killer strikes again,” I deadpan.
We stand up and I help her fold the blanket.
“Shit! Maura and Perry never came back! I need to call them,” she exclaims, pulling her phone out.
I reach over and put hand on hers. “It was kind of a setup, Rae.”
She rolls her eyes. “Of course it was. Fuckin’ Perry,” she says.
“Actually…,” I start. “It was Maura.”
“That meddling little wench!” she shouts.
I laugh. “She said it would be a cute throwback to our first date. Her exact words were ‘blind reunion.’ She was really proud of that one.”
Here's to Tomorrow Page 24
