‘I can do that for you tomorrow morning,’ Katy said.
‘Katy, I’ve swept this floor every night for well over forty years, I wouldn’t feel right stopping now.’
‘Okay,’ she nodded. ‘Thank you for showing me everything today.’
‘Are you still enjoying it?’
Katy paused for a moment before nodding and smiling. ‘Yes.’
‘Good, because tomorrow we’re creating ready-made garden pots to buy, which is a far more interesting job than sifting through receipts.’
‘That sounds great. Good night.’
‘Good night, dear.’
‘Night.’
Katy stepped out into the hot evening and headed to her car.
Ten minutes later she ducked through the doors of the Community Centre, following Damien and Chelsea into the hall.
With her head down, Katy made her way to the chair on the edge of the semi-circle and sat down. She spread her hands flat on her lap and kept her eyes fixed on them. Memories from Saturday clouded her mind. The feel of his hands pulling her closer to his body echoed through her.
She could feel his gaze on her and her own eyes fighting to look back.
CHAPTER 12
‘Good evening class. Welcome to week two of aggression management. This week we are going to recap the techniques we discussed last week, before delving a little bit deeper into controlling our anger.’
The sound of his voice echoed around the hall and inside Katy’s head. She battled to keep her eyes focused on her hands and not where they wanted to be, staring at him.
‘So firstly, what are the three techniques we discussed last week?’ Tom asked, striding up and down in front of them.
The bus driver, John, raised his hand.
‘Yes, John?’
‘Walk away, count to ten and distraction.’
‘Great. Now for your homework. Who would like to share with the group an occasion this week where they have used one of these techniques to help them?’
‘John again. Brilliant. Tell us what happened.’
‘I picked up the school kids on Wednesday afternoon, and they started their usual abuse, calling me names and being really loud. Playing obscene music on their phones. I could feel myself getting wound up by it, and that’s normally about the time I pull over and start shouting at them, but this time I started thinking about the holiday Barb and I have planned next month to Devon. Just little things like which route we’ll take and how many breaks we’ll need, but it really helped me relax. I completely zoned out from what the kids were saying and before I knew it we’d reached the station and my shift was over.’
‘What a great example of using distraction to calm yourself down, thank you for sharing, John.’
‘Does anyone else have something to share?’
The group remained silent.
‘Anyone? No. Well what about a situation when you tried one of the techniques but still got angry and acted on it?’
Silence.
‘Katy?’
‘Um.’ Katy’s eyes shot up as he called her name. More flashbacks flooded her head. His touch. His kiss. The feel of his body close to hers. Her stomach flipped as if she was falling again.
Tom addressed the class. ‘Katy and I bumped into each other on Saturday.’
Her fingers curled into her palms. He wouldn’t dare.
‘And Katy mentioned an episode earlier in the week where she’d lost her temper. Katy, maybe you can tell the class what happened.’
Katy stared at Tom open mouthed. Bastard. How could he take something she’d told him in private and share it with the class? Something she’d said only minutes before she’d thrown herself at him. Would he tell them that too?
Silence filled the hall as the group waited for her to speak.
‘You mentioned being made redundant from your job,’ Tom nodded.
Katy’s eyes flicked from face to face as they waited for her to speak.
‘Katy, can you tell the group what happened?’
She sighed. ‘They made me redundant. I’d been led to the reception area and given a box of my personal things. I’d worked there for seven years but it didn’t seem to mean anything to them. I tried counting to ten twice, but then I guess I just snapped. I threw the box at this giant glass vase and it smashed. If the lift doors hadn’t opened when they had then I probably would have done something else too.’
As Katy stopped talking she scanned the faces of the group. John lifted his hand and gave her the thumbs up sign. Damien nodded his head. No one was laughing at her.
‘Well done, Katy. Now, who here thinks Katy was right to feel angry over how her company treated her?’
All six hands shot up. Tom raised his hand. ‘Me too.’
‘I’m confused,’ Katy shook her head, ‘I thought the whole point of these classes was to learn not to get angry.’
‘No. Anger is fine. We shouldn’t be bottling up how we feel. The problem arises when we use that anger to act in aggressive ways, like throwing the box. What I hope to do here is equip you all with the skills to channel your anger into something more positive.
‘Thank you for sharing, Katy,’ he added, glancing again into her eyes.
She nodded and dropped her head back to her hands. Bastard, bastard, bastard, Katy repeated the words in her head and willed her heartbeat to slow down. He’d embarrassed her again.
‘Let’s move on. Today I want to talk about some techniques you can all try that will help you manage your anger. Like I said, it’s okay to get angry sometimes when things go really wrong, but anger is a very strong emotion, and not one you should be experiencing in your day-to-day activities.
‘The first one is called self-talk. The point of self-talk is to recognise in yourself when your thoughts are contributing to your aggression. Let me give you an example. Let’s say you are at a party and you share a romantic moment with someone-’
‘You mean get it on, Sir?’ Damien called out, setting off a trickle of laughter.
‘Yes, thank you, Damien. So you’re at a party and you are getting it on with someone and all of a sudden they bail. They leave you high and dry. And you immediately think, what a horrible person.’
‘A shithead,’ Chelsea added, glaring at Damien.
‘Thanks Chelsea. Exactly. You have these negative thoughts about them. You get yourself worked up wondering how they can treat you that way.
‘This kind of thinking sets off a negative chain reaction. It stirs the anger up inside you, and then before you know it you’re lashing out. Maybe at them, or maybe at something or someone else unconnected, which is called transference.’
Katy’s cheeks burnt a hot red. Perspiration pricked the skin above her top lip. Tom was talking about her. About them. Everyone could see that, surely? She raised her head a notch and risked a glance around the group. All eyes were fixed on Tom.
‘Self-talk is about having empathy for others, and their situation, and talking to yourself in a more positive way. So going back to the same example. You could realise that the other person had acted stupidly, but given them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they’d just come out of a relationship and were feeling overwhelmed. Maybe they’re your boss or have some other position which would make it inappropriate for you to get together.
‘The point of self-talk is not to let negative thoughts carry you away to a dark place where anger turns into aggression. Be positive in your thinking. Get it?’ Tom paused and looked at each of the class members.
‘Great. In a few minutes we are going to break away into two groups and practice using self-talk with some examples I’ve got here, but first of all I want to go over one more thing to help you gain control of your anger, before it gains control of you. Put simply, it’s about adjusting our expectations.
Tom began to stroll around the chairs. ‘More often than not, anger is the result a discrepancy between what we thought would happen - our expectations - and what actually happens - reality.
‘If I’d have accepted the situation - I’m stuck in traffic- and adjusted my expectations - I’ll catch the show on a rerun next week - I would’ve been a lot more relaxed and not allowed my anger to get the better of me,’ he paused as he reached the front again. ‘The bigger the expectation, and the greater the discrepancy between it and reality, the more anger you’re likely to feel.’
Katy had tried to block his voice out of her head, but the words had filtered in, and with it a growing sense of horror. Katy had always wanted to get married and have a family. Ever since she was six years old and she’d forced Billy Simons from two doors down to play weddings with her.
All of the things she’d thought would happen to her had fallen apart. Is that why she’d hit Adam? Thrown the box? Knocked down Mary’s son? Because her real life had failed to come close to her expectations?
The first niggles of a headache wound its way across her forehead as she tried to make sense of Tom’s words.
‘I’m going to put you into two groups now,’ Tom’s voice cut through her thoughts. ‘Chelsea and Diane, you move your chairs over to Marcus please,’ he said, pointing at the man in the crumpled suit.
‘Damien, John and Zara, you move over to Katy, please.’
Tom stepped over to the table at the front and collected some paper.
‘On these pieces of paper are examples of situations where you might get angry. I want one person in the group to be the negative thinker, and tell the others how they might think in that situation, and another one in the group to do self-talk, be positive and tell the group what they are thinking. Do a couple of examples then all swap round.’
***
‘Right everyone, that’s it for today,’ Tom called over the sound of their voices.
Both groups stopped talking and turned to face him.
‘Any questions about what we’ve talked about today?’
Silence filled the hall.
‘Okay then. Homework for this week is to practice self-talk. If you didn’t share this week, I expect to see you sharing next week. Anyone with a yellow form, come to the front now, otherwise good work everyone. See you next week.’
Katy leapt from her seat, pulling out the yellow piece of paper from the back pocket of her jeans as she moved forward. She couldn’t be alone with him.
As she strode around the groups of chairs, Damien stood up, his chair scraping backwards and catching her leg mid-stride. Her body kept moving but her left foot remained stuck behind the chair, sending her off balance and flying through the air.
‘Wow,’ Tom said, stepping forwards and catching Katy as she fell into him. ‘Are you okay?’
Katy found her balance and pulled herself away. The desire she’d felt in the darkness of Tom’s garden blazed back through her. ‘Fine.’
‘Like a giraffe on ice,’ Tom grinned.
‘Very funny.’
‘I think this is yours,’ Tom laughed, pulling a sprig of fir tree from his shirt. ‘Have you been doing some gardening?’
‘Sort of,’ she said, brushing down her hair to check for any other stray pieces of plant, and making a mental note to look in the mirror before leaving Green Tips in the future.
Tom looked into her eyes causing her stomach to tumble like the spin cycle of a washing machine. ‘Can you stay behind for a moment?’
‘Actually I’ve-’
‘Thanks,’ he cut her off, taking her form and slipping it into his shirt pocket before turning to greet Chelsea, and the other yellow form holders.
Katy bit down on her bottom lip and closed her eyes for a moment. He was holding her form, and therefore Katy, hostage. All for what? So he could rehash Saturday night and her mistake.
Only when the group had left and they were alone did he lean over the table and sign Katy’s form. He held it in his hands, his eyes searching hers.
‘Can we talk now?’
‘There’s nothing to talk about.’
‘I think there is. I’d like to explain about the other night.’
‘You already did. That little example in front of the class, which you had no right to do by the way. Just as you had no right to tell the group what I told you in private.’
‘I shouldn’t have run off like that. It had nothing to do with you, Katy.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I made a mistake. Too many cocktails, clearly. But next time you don’t like someone, don’t kiss them back first,’ she said, spinning towards the door.
Tom grabbed her arm, releasing a swarm of bees in her stomach. ‘For crying out loud, I’m your counsellor. I’m supposed to be helping you, which is why I told the group what you told me. You never would have shared otherwise.’ He sighed and let go of her arm. ‘Look, what happened the other night was unprofessional and completely unethical. I shouldn’t have let it happen.’
‘I get it. It's fine,’ she said, turning back to face him.’
‘No you don’t get it. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t. I’m also-’
‘Can I have my form now?’ she cut in.
Tom held out the paper for her to take. He opened his mouth to say something else but she didn’t want to hear anymore.
Katy snatched the piece of paper and spun on her heel, striding towards the exit doors.
She threw her hands against the door and kept moving, expecting it to fly open from the force of her arms, but it didn’t. Instead, she crashed into it.
Katy gave the handle a rattle. The door didn’t move.
‘What’s wrong?’ Tom’s voice bounced around the empty room as he stepped towards her.
‘It’s locked,’ she said, rubbing at the pain radiating from her elbow.
‘It’s not locked,’ Tom shook his head and smiled as Katy stepped aside. ‘You just have to...’ Tom rattled the handle, repeating Katy’s exact movements.
‘I told you. Some idiot has locked us in here.’
‘Hey, what happened to self-talk.? I’m sure it was a genuine mistake. I’ll call Jim.’
‘This is just great,’ Katy blew out a loud puff of air, pacing up and down.
‘My phone’s in my bike bag. I’ll just grab it.’
Katy rolled her eyes and pulled out her own mobile, running her finger across the screen. She had one unread message from Claire.
How did the class go tonight? Have you forgiven me for falling asleep and deserting you on Sat? I haven’t seen you since x
Katy tapped out a reply. No, go away.
Katy: Just kidding! I’m still in class. Some idiot has locked me in the hall x
Claire: Alone???? That’s spooky.
Katy: Worse. Tom’s here too.
Claire: Just the two of you? ;-)
Katy: Don’t go there
Claire: I still need to know what happened on Saturday night?
Claire: And don’t say nothing!! I saw Tom on Sunday and he asked if you were OK. What happened?
Katy: Free tomorrow? I’ll tell you then x
Claire: Chelsea buns and coffee @ mine tomorrow morning?
Katy: You know how to win a girl over :-) xxxx
Katy: I have a job. Can you bring buns to me? I have something to talk to you about x
Claire: London????
Katy: Green Tips, the garden centre on York Road
Claire: LOVE IT! Will swing by about 10 x
Katy slipped her phone back into her pocket as Tom stepped back into the room, wheeling his bike alongside him. He’d changed out of the trousers and shirt he’d been wearing, and into a light blue sports t-shirt and black shorts.
Katy’s eyes dr
opped to his legs. She could feel the warmth of his body next to hers again. She swallowed hard, pushing the memories away.
‘I phoned Jim. He’s on his way back. He apologised for locking the doors. He saw the others leave and assumed the hall was empty.’
Katy raised her eyebrows. ‘Brilliant,’ she said in a caustic voice.
‘He said he was sorry, Katy. His wife is in hospital and he has other things on his mind. He’s a volunteer, you know? He doesn’t get paid to come out in the evenings and open and close up after people. He does it for the good of the community.’
‘Oh.’
‘It wouldn’t hurt if you gave people the benefit of the doubt now and again.’
Katy nodded. ‘Okay.’
A silence fell between them.
‘Can we be friends again?’ Tom stared into her eyes.
‘Again?’
‘You know what I mean,’ he said, ‘can we move on from the other night?’
I’m trying to, Katy thought with a nod.
‘What gardening have you been doing?’
Katy stared into the blue of his eyes. Part of her wanted to tell him to mind his own business, but despite her best efforts she couldn’t seem to keep hating him. ‘I started a job in a garden centre yesterday.’
‘That’s fantastic, congratulations. Somehow I can’t imagine you in a business suit sitting at a desk, but working outdoors around plants and stuff, it seems more you.’
‘It is,’ Katy smiled. ‘The owner is trying to sell it. She wants me to buy it.’
‘Do you want to?’
‘I’d love to own Green Tips. I’ve got so many ideas for it, but I’ve only worked there for two days, and with my track record in decision making recently...I don’t know.’
‘There’s no harm in trying, if it’s something you’re passionate about. Life’s too short not to grab every opportunity for happiness. What’s the worst that can happen? You can try and buy it, if it doesn’t work out, then what have you lost?’
‘I guess, but I don’t have the first clue where to start.’
‘You’ll need a loan.’
‘I know that much.’
‘So you’ll need a business case, and a profit-loss forecast.’
How To Throw Your Life Away Page 9
