‘White wine?’ Tom asked as they approach the half-empty bar.
‘Er, no I’ll have a...’ Katy scanned the fridges behind the bar. ‘...lemonade thanks.’
Without thinking Katy walked over to the booth in the corner and slid round until she was sat facing back out into the bar. She ran her hand over the cigarette burn on the faded red velour cushioned booth and smiled at the memory of the first and only time she’d tried a cigarette. She and Claire had been choking and laughing so much that it had dropped out of her mouth and landed onto the cushion. The pair had been barred for a month.
Tom placed her lemonade and a pint of lager on the table. He ignored the stall opposite Katy and instead scooched around the table to sit beside her.
‘It feels strange being out together, doesn’t it?’ Tom smiled, taking her hand and playing with her fingers.
‘I guess.’
The weight of what she had to tell Tom lay heavy on her chest. Every breath seemed to sap all of her concentration.
‘What did you want to tell me?’ he asked, reaching his free hand up to brush a stray lock of hair away from her face.
‘Right,’ Katy began, ‘the thing is that I’ve been feeling a bit rubbish recently and Claire suggested that I take-’ a movement on the other side of the bar caught Katy’s eye. An alarm sounded from somewhere in her unconscious, cutting her sentence short.
Her eyes shot to the door of the men’s toilets, now swinging closed, and the tall blonde man stumbling towards the bar.
‘Oh no,’ Katy whispered.
‘What is it?’ Tom asked, following her gaze with his own.
‘It’s Adam.’
Tom’s body stiffened beside her.
‘KATY,’ Adam shouted out, raising a hand and weaving towards them as if there were obstacles in his path only he could see.
‘Have you finished your anger management shit already?’ he asked, his voice loud enough to turn the heads of the three men on bar stools at the far end of the room. He pulled his empty wrist close to his face and stared at it for a moment, before letting out a small laugh. ‘Sold my watch,’ he mumbled to himself.
‘Adam, what are you doing here?’ Katy tried to keep the rising panic from creeping into her tone. This was fine. Bumping into an ex- was always awkward, she thought, unable to suppress the panic.
‘I was coming to meet you at the hall. Thought I’d pop in here for a quick one first,’ Adam replied, pointing his thumb back to the bar, before pulling out the stool underneath Tom and Katy’s booth and dropping onto it.
‘I thought you’d gone back to your mum’s,’ Katy said, before turning to face Tom. ‘We should go,’ she added in a quiet voice.
‘That old cow,’ Adam answered before Tom could reply. ‘My own mother accused me of stealing.’ He shook his head as if shaking away the memory. ‘Anyway that’s got nothing to do with why I’m here,’ he said. ‘I’m here to win you back,’ he grinned.
‘You’re what?’ Katy asked, shaking her head at the scene unfolding before her.
Adam picked up Tom’s untouched pint and gulped back half of it.
‘Mate, was that yours?’ Adam’s eyes shot to Tom and then down at the pint of lager as a look of confusion crossed his face.
‘Yes, it was,’ Tom said.
‘We should go,’ Katy said again.
Tom nodded.
‘Katy-Kates, where you going babe? We seriously need to talk.’
‘No we don’t,’ she said, shuffling out of the booth. ‘It’s over. Please understand that.’
Adam grabbed her left hand as she stood up. ‘Marry me?’ he blurted.
‘Adam.’ Katy tried to pull her hand away but his grip tightened.
‘Marry me. You said yes last week, dammit. Say yes again.’
Katy’s mouth dropped open as her eyes flitted between the drunken expression of desperation on Adam’s face and the sudden glare on Tom’s.
‘Let go of her hand,’ Tom said, moving out of the booth and standing behind Adam.
‘Wow, Mate. I’m doing you a favour,’ Adam laughed.
‘Adam,’ Katy replied, her tone hard.
‘I’m not your mate,’ Tom said. ‘Now let go of her hand.’
He dropped Katy’s hand and stood up, knocking the stool over as he stumbled to his feet.
‘I know who you are,’ Adam said, his voice rising. ‘You think you can come in and swoop up my girlfriend after knowing her for five minutes. I’ve known her five fucking years. We’ve got history.’
Adam took a step closer to Tom.
‘You,’ he jabbed a finger at Tom’s chest, ‘You think you can just come along and get my girlfriend-’
‘ADAM,’ Katy shouted out, jumping towards them just as a bald man in a black shirt stepped out from behind the bar. She couldn’t let him finish that sentence.
Adam turned to face Katy, the movement causing him to sway on his feet. He thumped the palm of his hand onto the table to steady himself, knocking the pint glass and the remaining liquid in it, to the floor as he did.
‘Is this man bothering you?’ the barman grabbed Adam’s upper arm without waiting for a reply. ‘Getting pissed out of your head and making a pass at my barmaid,’ the man began as he yanked Adam away, ‘is one thing. Disturbing my customers is another.’
‘KATY,’ Adam cried out. ‘I need you.’
‘No you don’t, Adam. You need help. It’s over between us.’
Adam’s demeanour crumbled as he allowed himself to be dragged out of the pub.
Katy dropped back into the booth. A flush crept up her face as she felt the eyes of the other customers bore into her.
Tom slipped in beside her but didn’t reach out to comfort her.
‘I’m sorry,’ she mumbled, dropping her head into her hands.
‘It’s not your fault,’ Tom said in a stiff voice she hadn’t heard since her first anger management class.
The blonde barmaid moved towards their table with a fresh pint in her hand.
‘I’m so sorry about that,’ she smiled, placing the fresh drink in front of Tom with one hand and wiping away the spilled liquid with the other.
‘Thanks,’ Tom replied.
A silence grew between them.
Katy dropped her hands to her lap and twisted to face Tom.
‘What did Adam mean - you said yes last week?’
Katy swallowed. Somehow she’d hoped Tom had missed that little nugget of information.
‘Er...last week after class he turned up out of the blue and proposed, and I sort of said yes, but then I called it off. I was being stupid.’
Tom said nothing. Instead he reached for his lager and took a long sip.
The panic rose up once more. ‘I was miserable and confused after you ignored me-’
‘Because you asked me to,’ Tom cut in, placing the glass back onto the table with a thump.
‘I was being stupid. I told Adam I’d made a mistake and called it off.’
‘But you still said yes to start with.’
‘I know,’ Katy shook her head. ‘And I’m sorry that I did. Adam made it seem like a good idea and I just kind of went along with it, but we didn’t sleep together.’
‘Oh, that’s alright then,’ Tom said, sarcasm dripping from every word. ‘You agreed to marry someone and spend the rest of your life with him, but you didn’t shag him so that makes it okay for me. When did you call it off?’ he asked. ‘Was it the same night? the next day? when?’
‘Yesterday.’ Tears blurred her vision. ‘I would have done it sooner but Adam was staying in London and I couldn’t do it over the phone.’
‘Of course not. That would have been insensitive,’ Tom replied, his tone turning harsher by the second. ‘So on Friday at Green Tips, after I’d spent all morning with you. All that time and you didn’t think to mention that you were engaged to another man?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I think I didn’t tell you because I knew it was a mistake. The engageme
nt, I mean, not not telling you, if that makes sense.’
Tom sighed. ‘Every time I think we’re getting somewhere, and that maybe there is something between us, something happens to muck it up again. Most people who’ve known each other as long as we have will have been on a few dates, maybe dinner, probably spent a weekend together. We seem to have had a full relationship and messed it all up several times over in a matter of weeks.’
‘Tom, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking clearly. You were right the other day, there is something between us, or at least I hope there is because-’
‘No, I’m sorry Katy,’ Tom cut her off. He pushed his way out of the booth and stood up. ‘Relationships shouldn’t be this messy. Maybe there is something between us, but frankly I’m not sure it’s worth finding out. I thought the craziness I feel when I’m with you was a good thing, but maybe it’s not. I guess some people are meant to be together and some people aren’t.’
Tears flooded her eyes and slipped down her cheeks before she could stop them.
Tom sighed again, his tone softening. ‘I’m pissed off right now, and I think I have a right to be. Let’s slow things down and have a break for a few weeks. I’ve got Abi to think about. She needs my support right now.’
Katy dropped her eyes to her lap and nodded.
If he thought their relationship was messy now, how would he see it when she told him she was carrying his baby? How could a baby possibly fit into "slowing it down"?
‘Goodbye Katy,’ he said, striding to the door and out of the pub.
CHAPTER 38
A shivering gripped Katy’s body as she stepped out onto the street. The temperature had dropped with the setting sun but not enough to cause her hands to shake like it was the middle of winter. Hot tears slid uninhibited down her cheeks as she reached into her bag for her phone. Scrolling through her contacts she found Claire’s number and pressed the green dial button.
After one ring Claire answered: ‘Hello?’
‘It’s me,’ Katy croaked. ‘Did I wake you?’
‘No, I’m catching up on my soaps and midway through the ironing. Are you okay?’
‘No,’ Katy replied as a sob escaped her throat.
‘Katy, what’s happened?’
‘Tom found out about my engagement to Adam and left.’ Katy’s voice quivered as the words tumbled out of her.
‘Oh honey. Where are you?’
‘I’m standing on the street outside The White Hart,’ she sniffed.
‘I’ll be there in five minutes. Don’t move.’
Three minutes later the headlights of Claire’s estate car flashed around the corner. She roared to a stop next to Katy and jumped out.
‘Are you okay?’ Claire panted, grabbing Katy and hugging her tight.
Katy nodded. ‘You’re wearing two different shoes, did you know that?.’
‘Yes I do bloody well know. The kids were playing hide the shoes again and I didn’t have time to track them down. They’re both lefties too,’ Claire laughed before stepping back. ‘The things I do for you. Now are you really okay?’
Katy wiped her face and nodded. ‘Thank you for coming to rescue me.’
‘Anytime, you know that. Come on, let’s get you home. You can tell me what happened on the way.’
Claire reached out and opened the passenger side door and ushered Katy in as if she were a child.
‘Adam was in the pub. What are the chances of that?’ Katy cried after Claire had started the engine and pulled away. ‘He was really drunk and tried to propose again. He got kicked out, but not before Tom found out about our stupid engagement. He flipped out.’
Fresh tears filled her eyes
‘I’ve ruined it, haven’t I?’
‘I don’t know,’ Claire shook her head. ‘Maybe he just needs some time to cool off. What did Tom say exactly?’
‘He said that relationships shouldn’t be this messy and he thinks we should slow down.’
‘So you didn’t mention the baby, then?’ Claire asked, flicking the indicator and turning the car into Katy’s road.
More tears fell down Katy’s cheeks. ‘How could I? How does a baby fit into slowing things down?’
‘I don’t know,’ Claire said. ‘Come on, let’s have a cup of tea.’
A minute later Katy dropped onto the sofa and listened to the roar of the kettle boiling and the banging of cupboards.
She wished she could rewind the past few hours of her life. If only she’d told Tom. If only he’d been over the moon. If only he’d told her that he’d be there for her, maybe then she might have thought it would work, but she hadn’t. He hadn’t given her the chance.
She’d spent hours trying to imagine a way she could juggle a baby and a business by herself. She’d run through every possible scenario that she could think of. None of them worked. Which left her with the alternative. A dark sadness lay over her like a cloak.
‘Maybe you should have told him about the pregnancy anyway. You could have forced him to listen to you,’ Claire said as she walked into the living room with two mugs of tea.
‘Maybe,’ Katy sighed.
‘It’s not too late. You could phone him now and tell him you’re pregnant. Blame the Adam thing on your hormones.’
Katy thought for a moment. ‘I don’t know. The way he reacted, I don’t think he’d talk to me. I’ve never seen that side of him before.’
‘That’s hardly surprising considering you’ve only known each other a month.’
‘Exactly,’ Katy said, ‘which is another reason why I should have an...’ she didn’t finish her sentence. It was the first time she’d even come close to saying the alternative out loud.
Claire’s gaze fixed on Katy’s face. ‘You need to be sure it’s what you want to do,’
‘I know.’
‘I mean really really sure. One hundred percent sure,’ she said.
‘I know,’ Katy said, her voice a whisper. ‘I know.
CHAPTER 39
Tuesday
Katy’s feet felt as if someone had filled them with cement during the few hours of fitful sleep she’d managed to get. Every step across the car park to Green Tips required a concentration level akin to one of her Dad’s Mensa puzzles that he liked to test the family on at Christmas.
She’d spoken to Claire late into the night trying to figure out a way through her situation and her emotions. Even with Claire’s support Katy had still found herself back at the same impasse.
She couldn’t do it alone. Children needed a family, and she was not capable of giving that by herself. ‘Would she feel differently if this was her one and only chance to ever have a baby?’ Claire had asked. ‘Would she wake up one day and resent Green Tips for being the reason she lived a spinsters life with five cats that slept on her head at night?’
Maybe, she thought, but then what other choices did she really have?
The questions hadn’t stopped when Claire had gone home. They had kept coming until the early hours, leaving her with an emotional hangover far worse than anything she’d ever experienced from alcohol.
‘Katy,’ Mary sprung out from behind one of the shelves startling Katy.
‘Sorry love, did I make you jump?’
Katy gave a weak smile. ‘It’s my fault. I was miles away.’
‘You don’t look well, dear. Are you feeling alright?’ Mary asked.
‘I’ll be fine once I get going,’ she said.
‘Yes you will,’ Mary shooed Katy with her hands. ‘Get going back out of here, that is. You need to go to the doctors and back to bed.’
‘I can’t leave you alone.’
‘What hogwash. Yes you can. I’ve been running this place perfectly well for more years than you’ve been alive. So off you go and don’t come back until the doctor gives you the all clear, and you get some colour back in your cheeks, okay?’
‘Okay,’ Katy nodded, unable to summon the energy to protest. ‘Thanks, Mary.’
Katy turned slowly back around.<
br />
She loved everything about Green Tips, but not even the musty sweet smell of earth and flowers, or the distraction of work, could cut through the fog of emotional turmoil clouding her head.
‘Katy?’
‘Yeah,’ she spun back to Mary.
‘I...I spoke with my Jonny last night. He wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry. I know it doesn’t change anything, but he wanted me to tell you anyway.’
‘Thanks. Is he...still in custody?’
‘Yes,’ Mary said with a long sigh. ‘I’m afraid it is the best place for him. If they let him out now he’ll fall right back into the same world he’s been living in for the past however many years. He’ll stay in prison until his court date. I really did fail that boy,’ Mary shook her head. ‘I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about Jonny’s childhood, and you know I can’t remember it. I can’t remember the first time he crawled, or walked. I can’t even remember dropping him off on his first day of school like I can for Julie and Freddie.
‘I remember this building being built,’ Mary gestured with her hands to the ceiling before sitting down on the top ledge of the small metal step ladder next to her.
‘I remember knocking down an old green house we used to grow lettuce in and putting the gravel down to make the car park. It’s not right is it? How can I have forgotten taking Jonny to school on his first day?’
Katy didn’t respond. She had no idea what to say.
‘I love him dearly, but I sometimes wonder if we should have stopped after Freddie. This place took too much from us, I guess. That’s a terrible thing for a mother to say, isn’t it?’
Katy couldn’t answer. Her vision blurred as she absorbed Mary’s words. She sucked in her cheeks fighting back the tears. Something inside of her snapped. Not the same snapping moment that had taken her breath away and caused her to lash out, but a realisation, a decision made.
‘But what am I doing rambling on to you about it when you should be home in bed,’ Mary smiled at Katy and climbed off from the ladder. ‘Go and get some rest, dear.’
Katy nodded but didn’t trust herself to talk.
The world around her started to wobble as she walked back across the car park. A pressure built on top of her head, as if two large hands were trying to push her into blackness.
How To Throw Your Life Away Page 20
