‘I’ll help too,’ Katy said.
‘Thanks.’ Claire reached for her pocket and pulled out a pack of tissues. She passed one to Katy and used the other to dab at her eyes. ‘I put these in my pocket for you. I thought you might need them later and here I am using them all up.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
Claire turned to face Katy, their eyes locking. ‘The reason I’m telling you this now is because I want you to see that there is no such thing as a perfect family. I know you look at my life and think I’m living the dream, but I’m not. There are kids at Archie’s school whose parents are going through divorces and it is heartbreaking to see. They did everything right according to you. They got married, they had a family, and then one day they woke up and realised that they weren’t happy anymore.
‘There is no single or right way to have a family, especially these days. If you don’t want to have this baby then I will support you, but if you don’t want to have a baby because you don’t think you can, or should, or because it doesn’t fit into how your future looks then I’m telling you now that you’re wrong.
‘I know your mum and dad, and I know they will do anything to help out. I know you, and I know that you can do anything you set your mind to. You know I’ll help anyway I can, and,’ Claire paused as if considering whether to continue, ‘Tom strikes me as the kind of person who would be around.’
Katy’s resolve plummeted to the floor. She thought she’d made her decision, but now? Now she wasn’t so sure.
Time passed, but neither of them spoke.
‘We’ve got ten minutes until your appointment,’ Claire said in a soft voice. ‘Do you want me to keep driving?’
Katy dropped her head and stared at the two tight fists of her hands. She gave a nod as silent tears streamed down her cheek.
Without another a word, Claire started the engine and pulled back into the road.
Three minutes later she manoeuvred the car into the last space of the cramped car park.
Katy continued to stare at her hands as she struggled to catch her breath. It felt like she had two golf balls lodged in her lungs stopping the air from getting into her body. One rapid intake of air, then another and another. She could hear her own wheezing breaths.
What was she doing? What was she doing? What was she doing?
‘Katy?’ she heard Claire’s voice say next to her.
Katy unclipped her seat belt and reached for the door handle. Her breathing quickened as she stepped out into the shade of the grey concrete building. Her hand gripped the car door handle for support.
What was she doing?
What was she doing?
CHAPTER 42
Over the past few days a dawning realisation had settled on Tom - he had been, and was still being, a bit of a dick. He’d lost his cool. Instead of behaving like a grown man in his forties with a career in counselling well under way, he’d acted like a hot-headed jealousy-fuelled twenty-something first class dick.
The problem now was that he really didn’t know what to do about it, but listening to Jonny Cash’s mesmerising guitar strumming at maximum volume, and trying out new dishes in his kitchen seemed to help, or serve as a good distraction at least.
Tom concentrated on the knife in his hand as he sliced the fresh thyme sprigs into flakes, but as the final song on the album finished and the kitchen plunged into silence, Tom looked up and stared out of the kitchen window. His eyes fell just as they always did to the pear tree and the bench just behind it. The place he’d felt the first flash of something for Katy, as if lightning had struck inside him.
Tom moved his gaze back to his kitchen. He liked his house very much and he liked Henley. In his twenties he’d wanted to take over the world, but now he was in his early forties it seemed more important to find his place in it, and he was pretty sure he had. Well almost anyway, because he was also pretty sure that his place in the world was next to Katy.
He’d never met anyone like her. She was sweet and funny and kind, and hot tempered and fiery, all at the same time. He loved touching her. Her smooth skin, the strands of her hair. Every touch transferred a little of her fire into him.
He had loved Lena once, he was sure of that. Enough to want to marry her and stay married to her for almost a decade. A part of him would always love her. He had so much respect for Lena. They’d argued so much towards the end that he’d lost those feeling for a while. Time apart had showed them both that they shouldn’t be together anymore, but time had also restored a part of the love and respect he had for her. He wished he could do more to help her now.
Then there was the love he felt for Abi. Protective and unwavering. It didn’t matter one bit that he wasn’t her paternal father. She was his daughter, and always would be.
Yet, the feelings he had for Katy were different. Incomparable. As if she’d pushed him to another level he hadn’t even known existed. She was searching for her own place in the world, just like him. She seemed to have found it in Green Tips, but he didn’t know if she’d found it in him too. He didn’t know if he’d blown his chance again.
Tom sighed and sprinkled the chopped thyme on top of the lasagna and slid the heavy dish into the hot oven.
He kicked the oven door shut with his foot and stepped over to the music player in the kitchen in search of more distraction from his thoughts.
Maybe a funny apologetic text to Katy would be a good start, Tom mused, pulling his mobile off the speaker port and opening up the home screen. Then again maybe he wouldn’t need to he realised as his eyes registered the missed call and voicemail from Katy’s mobile.
He pressed on the button for his voicemail messages and held the phone to his ear.
‘Tom, it’s Claire. I’m calling on Katy’s phone,’ Claire’s frantic tones filled his head. ‘I told myself I wouldn’t do this but I guess I am. Katy’s pregnant. She tried to tell you the other night, but whatever happened she changed her mind. It’s yours by the way.
‘I’m at Green Tips about to drive Katy to Fairview Family Planning clinic in Henley, where Katy is planning to have an abortion. The appointment is scheduled for two pm in a clinic behind the tanning salon on the mini roundabout.
‘I think she’s making a terrible mistake but she won’t listen to me. She’s got it in her head that she can’t do it alone. Tell me to mind my own business, or delete this message and pretend it never happened if you want. But if you get this in time and if you care about Katy at all, then you need to get down here and tell her you’ll stand by her. I’ve got to-’
Tom heard the sound of rustling before the message clicked off.
Tom’s eyes shot to the clock on the wall. It was almost two pm.
A part of him wanted to listen to the message again. A part of him wanted to laugh it off as a stupid hoax, but he knew from the emotion in Claire’s voice that she was telling the truth.
Tom dialled Katy’s number. He had no idea what he would say, but he had to say something. Seven rings later Katy’s own voicemail clicked on. ‘Shit.’ Tom hung up.
He strode over to the oven and switched it off. He’d put too much garlic in it anyway, he thought, as he ran to the front door, grabbing his bike helmet and his keys and racing out into the midday sun.
***
Cool air blew past him as he raced towards Henley. He pushed every muscle in his legs into the pedals, forcing them to spin faster than his feet could stay on them.
Tom ignored his instincts to brake as he flew out of the residential area and onto the main road to Henley. A car horn sounded from behind him but he didn’t look back.
He weaved in and out of the Friday afternoon traffic moving at a snail’s pace along the road without any regard for his own safety.
He’d argued time and time again with his other cyclist friends that bike users on the road had as much responsibility for their own safety as the vehicles that they shared it with, but right now he just hoped everyone else was taking a lot more care than he was.
<
br /> Tom could see Henley town centre a hundred metres ahead of him. As the density of traffic around him increased Tom pushed his feet harder onto the pedals, weaving his bike in and out of the cars.
Was he too late? Tom wondered as he neared the mini roundabout, his eyes and his thoughts focused on the building ahead.
His mind didn’t register the deep grumble of the white van’s accelerating engine, but he felt the heat from the front of the van only inches from his skin, as they sped onto the roundabout together.
Tom twisted his handle bars to the left as he caught a glint of white in the corner of his vision.
Only when the hot metal of the front bonnet impacted with his right leg did he realise he’d moved too late.
The world slowed as Tom’s body released from his bike. Seconds ticked by as he floated in the air. Then he heard the smashing of glass and realised he’d stopped flying and had hit the windscreen of the van. He waited for the pain of the impact to register with his brain as his body rolled off of the bonnet and onto the hot tarmac below, but it never reached him.
CHAPTER 43
What was she doing? What was she doing? What was she doing?
She heard Claire’s car door open and then close again, but Katy continued to cling onto the door handle.
Claire’s hands touched the top of her arms. ‘It’s okay, Katy.’
Katy shook her head as she continued to fight for each breath.
‘How about we just go inside and talk to someone. You don’t have to do anything today, but it might help to talk to someone who is trained to help.’
Katy nodded but she didn’t let go of the door handle.
A minute passed but she didn’t move.
The sound of a horn blaring and the smashing of glass jolted Katy. It made her think of a phrase her mum liked to say whenever something bad happened. ‘The world keeps turning anyway.’ People were going about their lives, getting into car accidents, working, talking, eating lunch, doing all of the things normal people do on Friday afternoons, and all the while she was in a shaded car parking space, gripping hold of the door handle of her best friend’s car like a child that didn’t want to go to school.
‘I...I...don’t think I can go through with it,’ she gasped.
Claire put her arm around Katy. ‘Then don’t.’
‘But...I...I can’t do it. I can’t have this baby. How would I cope?’
Claire nodded. ‘I felt exactly the same.’
‘You did?’ Katy’s eyes widened as she turned to face Claire.
‘Of course I did. Even though we’d been married for a couple of years and we’d planned to get pregnant I was still in complete shock when it happened. I had no idea how I was going to look after a baby. I remember being discharged from the hospital with Archie and thinking that the midwives must all be crazy letting me leave with this tiny human being that was completely reliant on me.’
‘But you’re such an amazing mum.’
‘And so will you be. Trust me, the way you’re feeling right now is how all expectant mums feel at some point during their first pregnancy. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t worried.’
Tears streamed down Katy’s face.
‘Why don’t we leave the car here and grab some lunch? I’m starving.’
Katy took a long shaky intake of breath and nodded as she wiped her face with the back of her hands. ‘Do you think we can find somewhere that serves dry toast?’ she asked with a weak smile.
‘Talk about being hard to please,’ Claire smiled, looping her arm through Katy’s and easing her hand away from the door.
The noise of a siren wailing filled the air around them.
‘I wonder what’s happened?’ Claire said as they walked arm in arm out of the car park and along the pavement to the front of the building.
‘That’s the real reason you wanted me to skip the appointment, isn’t it? So you could have a nose at the car accident.’
‘Busted,’ Claire laughed. ‘Nothing to do with stopping you from making the biggest mistake of your life, or anything like that.’
Katy pulled Claire a little closer. She had no idea how she would do it, but listening to Claire and feeling her friend’s strength made it seem just about possible.
She would speak to her parents. She would speak to Mary. She would speak to Tom. Although not necessarily in that order.
She took another long intake of breath as the golf balls in her lungs dissolved.
‘What can you see?’ Katy asked as Claire’s head tried to poke through the gathering crowd of people.
The siren of the ambulance cut out as it pulled up to the roundabout.
‘Oh my god,’ she gasped.
‘What?’ Goosebumps prickled Katy’s skin despite the heat from the sun.
‘I can see a bike. It looks like Tom’s.’
‘It won’t be Tom’s. Why would he be cycling through Henley now? It must be someone-’
‘Because I told him you were here,’ Claire said, her voice almost a shout as she turned to face Katy.
A cold shiver ran through Katy. She dropped her arm from Claire’s as she pushed through the people in front of her.
‘Tom,’ Katy shouted, diving to the ground next to Tom’s lifeless body.
‘Do you know him?’ A voice asked from behind her.
‘Yes. His name is Tom Pearce.’
‘Do you know if he has any allergies to medicines?’ the paramedic said as he knelt down on the other side of Tom’s body.
She shook her head. ‘I don’t think so, but I’m not sure.’
‘Tom, my name is Neil. I’m a paramedic with the Essex Ambulance Service.’ The paramedic touched Tom’s hand.
‘If you can hear me squeeze my hand.’
Katy’s throat constricted as a thin trickle of blood trailed from Tom’s ear.
The paramedic leaned away from Tom’s body and shouted towards the ambulance, ‘Get me a collar, Greg.’
‘Tom, please...say something,’ Katy gulped back the sobs as a shaking took hold of her body.
‘Miss, we need you to move back so we can check your friend,’ the second paramedic said, his gloved hand touching Katy’s shoulder. ‘Just scoot back a little bit but keep talking to him.’
Katy shifted herself along and moved down towards Tom’s legs. One of his feet looked strange, like it didn’t belong to his leg anymore.
She tried to listen to what the paramedics were saying to each other but none of it seemed to make sense.
‘I can hear fluid in his right lung and his pulse is ropey,’ one of them said.
‘No.’ Katy shook her head again. ‘Tom, please. You need to be alright. I’m having your baby and I really really need you,’ she sobbed.
An arm wrapped around her shoulders and she realised for the first time that Claire was kneeling beside her.
‘Tom,’ Katy sobbed.
‘I’ve lost his pulse,’ Greg shouted. ‘Hand me the defib pads.’
‘What’s happening?’ Katy cried out, her face moving between the two men leaning over Tom.
‘Stand back please, Miss,’ Neil said to her as the other paramedic sliced Tom’s t-shirt open with a pair of scissors.
Claire’s arms pulled her back as one of the paramedics leant over Tom’s face and breathed air into his lungs, whilst the other one opened up a square plastic box and stuck two hand sized pads onto Tom’s chest.
‘Stand clear.’
Claire tightened her hold on Katy.
A moment passed, and in that one moment Katy knew. As she knelt on the scratchy hard tarmac and watched Tom die in front of her eyes, she knew she loved him.
‘Nothing,’ Neil said.
CHAPTER 44
Tom died.
The thought circled Katy’s head as she climbed into the back of the ambulance.
For two whole minutes, for the longest two minutes of Katy’s life, Tom was dead.
On the fifth shock of electricity from the defibrillator they foun
d a pulse.
Less than a minute after that the paramedics had strapped Tom onto a long green board and lifted him into the ambulance.
The shaking in Katy’s hands had yet to subside, but a numbness had started to thread through her as the driver switched on the high-pitched squeal of the siren and pulled away.
Tom had died.
A warm hand grabbed at her fingers jolting her from her thoughts.
‘Tom,’ she sobbed.
Katy ignored the dozen scratches and cuts on Tom’s face and focused on the misty blue of his eyes.
‘Was I too late? Did you-’ he mumbled.
‘No,’ Katy shook her head and tried to smile. ‘I’m sorry, I should have told you. I didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t.’
‘Good,’ he whispered, closing his eyes again.
‘Tom...Tom,’ Katy’s eyes shot to the paramedic sitting opposite her.
‘His vitals are good,’ the paramedic reassured her.
Tom opened his eyes again. ‘Katy?’ he whispered.
‘Yes,’ she replied leaning closer.
‘I think I might have broken my leg.’
‘You’ve broken more than just your leg, mate,’ the paramedic chipped in. ‘You’re lucky to be alive, as I’m sure your lady here will tell you later.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Tom whispered.
‘For what?’ Katy asked.
‘For what I said the other night. I was wrong. Relationships should be messy and a little crazy and...I don’t want to slow things down.’
A rush flooded her body.
‘Umm,’ Tom mumbled, his face straining into a grimace.
The paramedic leant forward. ‘We’ve given you some pain relief, Tom. You should feel it in a minute.’
Tom’s eyes moved back to Katy. ‘Talk to me about something.’
‘What kind of thing?’
‘The latest Green Tips plans,’ he said as his face distorted in pain.
Katy lifted her head and stared at the paramedic.
How To Throw Your Life Away Page 22
