by Rosa Swann
Arms surround me and I hold on for dear life. “Shh. Shh.” Sarah’s voice is calm, but I can also hear the pain in it.
It hurts, it hurts so much. To lose Logan like this, there was no reason to, there was no fucking reason for him to be gone. How will I keep going? How will I keep living?
I don’t know how, but I know that I will have to, I have to do it for Maddy, for our girl, because there isn’t anything else in the world anymore.
I take deep breaths, standing up straight, and Maddy is looking at me, her eyes big. I wish I could take this view away from her, her useless father, who can’t keep it together long enough to function properly until they’re back home. Her father who breaks down while he should be caring for her.
My eyes are drawn up again, and the man is still standing in the same place, like he wants to be here, but doesn’t know if he should be.
Sarah turns her head, realising I’m staring at something. And right then, something interesting happens, the look on her face, the pain, the horror, the deep sadness. “Oh, god, Wilder.” She looks at me, tears filling her eyes, opening her mouth a few times before she shakes her head. “I’ll be right back. I need to speak to him for a bit.” Her voice is hoarse, on the verge of breaking.
My eyes follow her, and as soon as she comes close, he pulls her tight, their arms locked around each other. I don’t know why, but it breaks my heart even harder to see them cling to each other like that. Like they are the only people in the world who understand each other, their only hope.
When they pull apart, Sarah is saying something and the other man, Wilder, is shaking his head. But she doesn’t seem to listen to him and pulls on his arm to bring him over. The way they act with each other, so familiar, it’s odd, in the eight or so years that I’ve known Sarah, I’ve never seen her act like that with anyone, not even Logan.
“Sterling, this is Wilder, he is…” She trails off as she looks at him.
“An old friend of Logan’s. He knows this, we’ve met earlier when your niece ran off during the ceremony.” His voice is gruff and his whole posture is a little awkward.
The look that goes between the two is unmistakable though, Sarah is not convinced and Wilder doesn’t seem willing to explain more, but Sarah seems to overcome it easily enough. “Well, Wilder, then you know that Sterling is Logan’s mate and this is their daughter, Madeline.”
“Maddy.” Wilder kneels next to her, using the name I used earlier, and I don’t know how, but she smiles at him. “I’m glad you were a really good girl today. Your daddy is going to need you to be strong. Can you do that?”
Maddy nods, then she hugs him. “Thank you for talking to Daddy.” Her light voice is heard by all of us, and I feel my face heat up as Sarah looks at me.
Well, yes, we talked for a moment and I’m not exactly sure why that makes me blush. At least he treated me somewhat normally.
Then Sarah’s eyes go serious. “Sterling, do you have any friends or neighbours who can check in on you in the next couple of days? I know this won’t be easy. And getting Maddy to school and everything…” She trails off and swallows hard. “Fuck. Sorry. I wish my family wasn’t so messed up.”
“They want you back at work tomorrow?” Wilder asks as he reaches out to her. “You just lost your brother, they’re being totally unreasonable.”
“You know how they are.” She leans against him and he holds her again.
His eyes darken as he looks at Maddy and me, sadness flashing over his face. “I do. I do know what they’re like.” He lets out a sigh. “I’ll do it. I’ve taken the week off anyway, and… I think it would be good for both of us not to be alone right now.”
Both of us? What? A stranger in my house? Now? “I can’t make you do that.”
“Yeah.” Sarah frowns too. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”
“Lo— Logan was my…” his jaw sets, pushing the next word out, “friend. This is the least I can do for him.”
“Are you sure?” Sarah doesn’t seem convinced. And I get that Wilder and Logan used to be friends, but this is a little extreme, staying over with someone’s mate just because you used to be friends.
“Yeah. If Sterling and Maddy are okay with it. I’m not much of a bother, I can cook, I can clean, I can… I don’t know, change light bulbs? Anything that you need right now.” He looks so sincere, and I guess that the idea of not returning to an empty house is tempting. While being away from all this mess, this charade set up by my family-in-law, feels like the one thing I really need to do, at the same time, being actually alone? Not having anyone around? That scares the hell out of me.
“Okay, I guess. It’s a big enough house and you can have the guest room.” I shrug. I’m done with being out in public for a day, I’m done being a sensible adult, and I’m ready to go home, and the way that Maddy is hanging on me, I suspect she is too. “But I would like to go home now.”
“Daddy… carry me.” Maddy’s voice is hard to resist and I nearly pick her up before Wilder kneels down next to her.
“I think Daddy is tired, is it okay if I carry you?” He looks at her so seriously, like he’s honestly waiting for her answer instead of just doing whatever he wants.
Maddy looks at him for a moment and then nods as she wraps her arms around his neck. He pulls her close and stands up again, holding her at his side.
“I guess we’ll need to fit all four of us in my car?” Sarah starts walking towards the parking lot.
“Yeah, I didn’t think coming by car would be a good idea.” Wilder walks besides me, and I guess it’s this weird Alpha thing that some guys have, but having him at my side, it’s calming me down somewhat. Knowing that there is someone who cares enough to be there for me.
But it doesn’t take away any of the pain, or the regrets of all the things Logan and I still wanted to do.
3. Wilder
We quickly drive by my place, picking up some clothes. I never expected this to happen. To spend day and night with Logan’s mate, but somehow, since you can never expect any decency from Logan’s parents, I seem to be the only one who can be there for his little family. How did everything get so messed up?
In the back, Sterling and Maddy have fallen asleep, and Sarah keeps giving me glances, but she doesn’t say anything. She knows too well what Logan meant to me, and she also knows that I would never have let his mate and child be alone after all this mess. There are only so many times in your life that you can make a difference, and I believe this is one of them. Besides… It’s not just about them, I don’t think that being alone is the right thing for me right now either. I know that I won’t be able to lean on him, but I think that just being there for Sterling and Maddy may help somewhat to lessen my own pain.
We drive out of the bounds of the city, into fields and hills.
It only hits me then that they lived so close, close enough to just drive there. My quick gasp attracts Sarah’s attention.
“We’ll be there in 20 or so minutes.” She puts her hand on my leg and I cover my mouth as I internally break down, trying not to let out the sounds of pain as this new realisation sets in.
He lived so close. Any time in the past ten years that I got out of the house, we could have ran into each other.
My eyes shoot to the two in the back, they’re still asleep. Which, I guess is good right now, as the pain won’t go away and the tears keep coming. This is my pain, they don’t need to know about this, this isn’t about them, this is about me, me and Logan. Sarah squeezes my leg again as she keeps driving, she knows, of all the people, she’s the only one who knows about this pain. I put my head to the window, looking outside over the fields. But it doesn’t calm me down, especially since I know that the city isn’t far behind us, my city, the one I’ve lived in my whole life. I close my eyes, my heart too heavy.
I must have dozed off at some point, as the next thing I know is the sound of gravel under the wheels of the car. The house emerging in front of us is simple, not very big, sort
of like a cottage, but there is a good sized walled garden and there are fields around it. I think I can see some sheep walking around in the back.
“Home!” Maddy chirps from the backseat as she starts to get restless.
I look up and meet Sterlings’ eyes in the mirror, he tries to smile but there is just no energy behind it, if anything, he now looks worse than before. I can’t blame him, this is the house he shared with Logan, there will be many memories and they’ll be a constant reminder of his loss.
“Okay, let’s get inside.” Sarah puts on a happy face as she opens the car door and in the back, Maddy also tries to get out of the car as quickly as she can. For the first time, I’m on my own with Sterling.
“Hey, I know you would have much preferred someone that you actually knew to stay here with you. I get that, I know that it can’t be easy to have a stranger around right now.” I meet his eyes again. “Sorry.”
He nods, looking out the window. “I guess it’s okay. Sarah was right, I can’t keep this all running on my own. So thank you for staying with a stranger,” he follows his little girl with his eyes as she is rushing to the gate that opens into the garden, “and his kid.” He’s quiet for a moment and I’m about to get out of the car as he speaks up again. “Maybe knowing that you knew him and that you cared for him, even after a long time, knowing all that, maybe it makes this a little easier. I don’t know. Does that make sense?”
“Loss doesn’t have to make sense, neither does surviving one.” I open the car door. “I’ll be here if you need me for anything, it doesn’t matter what it is. But you don’t have to do it all on your own.” As I step out, I see him nod from the corner of my eyes. He looks exhausted and so lost. How did I get myself into this again? Oh, yeah, because I’m way too nice of a guy, or maybe I know what it’s like to be profoundly alone, even if our situations are different.
I get to the back of the car and grab my bag. I only packed some essentials, so I don’t have to worry about clean clothes and stuff. Though, seeing this place, I don’t know, maybe I should have taken some clothes that are better suited to get really dirty. It seems like they do a lot of outside work around here.
Sarah joins me and stops me for a moment. “Are you sure about this? I could see if I can change my parents’ mind, or even ask a neighbour here. I don’t want to put you in a bad situation.” I can hear the underlying words, even if she doesn’t speak them ‘not another one’. Because Sarah and Lilly are the only ones who know how I nearly didn’t survive Logan leaving the first time, who knows what will happen now he’s really gone?
“It’s not just for them. I’ve never properly been able to say goodbye either. I feel like I need to do this. For me.” I pull the bag over my shoulder and look up just as Sterling opens the door to the house. I stumble back as my mind flashes to the past, directly in the doorway is the exact painting that Logan used to have at our front door. According to him, it represented love, kindness and an invitation to do good by a stranger. For me, it represented home. I let out a strangled sound. Yeah, Logan doing good by a stranger, that was so him, but what about the people that actually loved him? What about them?
Maddy appears in the doorway, her shoulders down and Sarah and I both step towards her before I stop and let Sarah take the lead. Sarah looks at me for a moment, confused, before she goes into the house. I follow them and close the door behind me, then I touch the painting, at about halfway up the frame, on the right side, a spot worn away from years of doing exactly that. It still feels so natural, so comforting. And for a moment, I’m transported back into the past. I don’t exactly know why I started touching this spot, but I’ve always done it, maybe as a silent prayer at first, but over time, I did it because it made me feel like I was home. I guess, this time, that prayer is not for my own happiness, or for a home, but for everyone to survive this horrible time.
When I look to the side, Sterling stares at me, tears in his eyes. He quickly dries them but they won’t stop. Fuck, what did I do? I messed up. I reach out, pulling him into an embrace and he leans against me, sobs wracking his body. My own tears rise to the surface again and I hold onto him tightly.
As he calms down, the words come out. “Sorry. Sorry. I was just supposed to come get you to show you your room. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologise. I’m sorry for being weird right when I step into your house.”
“It was just… It felt like he was right there. He… He’d always do that. I’ve never seen anyone else touch the painting like that. It was surreal. I guess it just overtook me.” He steps back and wanders over to the painting, his voice mellowing. “You had this same look on your face as he always had, some sort of serenity. Even if it was fleeting.” He turns to me, his eyes locking with mine before he looks away. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”
“It’s fine. It’s nice to hear bout him.” Even if it hurts.
He stands up straight. “Right. Your bedroom. Follow me.” He guides me through the hall, to a door at the back, right across from a staircase. “The guest room is in here. It may be a slight mess, we don’t use it often. Our bedrooms are upstairs and so is the main bathroom. The small bathroom is here.” He opens a door next to the stairs to show me. “And ehm, the kitchen is all the way back down the hall, just like the living room.” He starts moving nervously.
“I think I’ll be able to find it. I’ll see you in there, yeah?” He nods and makes his way down the hall. I take a deep breath and step into the guest room. As I expected, there are a lot of things from Logan here, pictures, books, some knickknacks. I close the door behind me before I let out a sound. So many things that he took with him when he left, that he kept apparently, even if it’s just in a spare room. So many things that I have have memories connected to, so much of our past lies here. He didn’t throw it away, he kept these things, even if not in plain sight. What does that say about him leaving? Why did he keep all this? How will I even survive this? How will I be able to pretend that I’m ‘just a friend’, when everyone who takes a two second look at me can see how badly this hurts?
A quiet knock on the door makes me take a deep breath and pull myself back to the present. “Yes?”
“Daddy wants to know if you want something to drink.” Maddy speaks through the door.
I open the door for her and kneel down. She frowns and pulls the dirty tissue I gave her this morning from a pocket in her beautiful dress. “For your tears.”
I take it and rub the tears away. “Maddy.” She looks at me. “Let’s keep this between us, okay? Daddy doesn’t need to know about my tears.” I put my finger to my lips.
She copies me. “Shh, secret.”
“Yes, secret. Now, where is your daddy?” I feel like such an ass, making this little girl keep a secret from her only living parent. But I don’t need Sterling to know, not now, hopefully never.
Maddy brings me to the kitchen, a perfect kitchen, a kitchen exactly as I’ve always wanted it, like it was plucked from my dreams and planted into this reality.
Sterling is sitting at the table, looking at me, apparently taking my surprise the wrong way. “Do you like it? Logan designed it. He also built most of it.”
My heart beats like crazy and I feel my face heat up. I try to push it down, this dark and sickening feeling. Try to force it to go away. “Right.” My breathing comes out heavy and I grab around behind me, finding the handle of a door, as I try it I feel a gust of air, a door to the outside. “I’ll be…”
I open the door fully and flee into the garden, my pace fast, trying to get away as far as possible before I explode before this feeling overtakes me. The darkness inside me grows bigger and bigger. In the back of the garden I find a stack of fire wood and nearby, leaning against the wall, an axe.
I shrug off my suit jacket, grab the axe and some wood. Breaking things with my hands isn’t going to help, but at least this is a more productive way of getting that darkness out of my system, to cool myself down. I swing the axe, letting it come down
on the wood, the splitting of the log like the sound of lightning, the smaller pieces shooting off to the sides, before I grab the next log, and the next. As many as I can get my hands on before I realise I’m being watched. Sarah.
The words come out harsh. “That’s my kitchen! He designed that for me. And he lived in it with him!” I’m not sure if my heavy breathing now is from the emotions or the work I did.
“I know.” Sarah steps closer carefully and I drop the axe, letting it fall to the side. “I know.” She pulls me close, like she did last time, like she did when Logan left me.
“I’m so confused. It hurts so much. Not just him being really gone, like really really. But why did he tell me he had to move on, and then he lives in the house that we wanted together? How can he live in my house with a mate who isn’t me?” My breath shudders, my chest aching. “I’m confused. It hurts.” I hide my face in her hair, trying to hide from the world once more. I don’t care that I’m an Alpha, this was supposed to be my life, this is what Logan and I planned for all those years ago, and now… Why did he leave?
4. Sterling
As I watch them interact, the way Sarah rushed after him, the way her eyes are so different when she looks at him. Something must have happened between them, there is no other explanation. She’s so caring, so careful and so much more friendly towards him. There is a history there that is more than just caring for a friend of her younger brother, you don’t react like that to just a friend.
And it’s not like Wilder doesn’t seem like a good guy. But there’s something off in the way he acts, like there is a whole world inside him that he hides and the only person who knows about it is Sarah. It’s like they lock everyone out of their little bubble.
Maybe that’s just because I feel so distanced from the world right now. As I’m sitting here, I expect Logan to step through the door at any moment. If that’s not being disconnected from reality, I don’t know what is. He’s gone. A lump forms in my throat, taking away my breath.
