But when has that ever been a problem before? It’s not like I had much money in the military.
Sure, the royalty checks coming into my bank account are nice.
But what good are they if I don’t have her? If I don’t have Hana?
No good at all. That’s what they’ll do for me.
And I’m tired of hotels. I’m tired of not knowing where I am when I wake up. I’m tired of waking up in a new city all the time. I’m tired of this lifestyle. I haven’t had a home since I left my hometown and joined the Seals. They were always shipping us all over the world. I was in Afghanistan. Kuwait. Iraq. But there wasn’t ever a permanent base that I was stationed at. I mean, sure, maybe for a few weeks…
The old man’s words from the hotel flash through my mind. I was telling him that I definitely don’t have PTSD.
But…
I mean, Hana’s not an unreasonable person. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. She really knows what she’s doing with things. And she seems to think I have some sort of problem.
So who am I to say that I don’t? After all, I am always waking up reaching for my gun. The gun that’s not there. I say it all the time to myself. This phrase works its way through my head like some refrain to a horrible song.
But maybe it doesn’t need to be that way.
I pull out my phone and check out VA centers in the nearby area.
It’s a sort of snap decision that I don’t even think about as I do it. My fingers move automatically on the phone.
I’ve always shied away from support groups. Stuff like that wasn’t encouraged in my house, to say the least. But honestly, looking back on it all, my dad probably could have benefited from something like that. If he had someone to go talk to, maybe he wouldn’t have sat in front of the television his entire life. Maybe he could have gotten out and actually done something. Instead, he let everything slip by… his whole life.
I don’t want to be like him.
There happens to be some kind of talk therapy group just around the block. It’s not exactly an official VA center. I’m not sure what it is. But maybe it would help.
Who would have thought that LA would have a ton of veterans.
My feet seem to move automatically.
Before I know it, I’m standing outside the building.
It’s a plain, squat building that looks out of place among the huge buildings around here.
There’s just a little sign on the front that says “Veterans,” which is vague.
What the hell.
Am I scared of a little talking?
That doesn’t sound like me. That doesn’t sound like the Seal who was awarded over and over again for exemplary bravery on the battlefield.
I push open the door.
I have the feeling that my world is about to change.
For the better?
Hana
I’m on my lunch break at work. James is at his nature camp. Hopefully he’s having a great time. He was pretty excited about getting to learn how to do all sorts of things outdoors. I think he really wants to learn to build fires and to whittle, but he’s too young for that. Maybe next year he can join the Cub Scouts and get a start on some of that stuff. But for now, he’ll be learning to identify wild animals. He’ll be learning about the footprints that the animals leave behind. I read the brochure and it looks great.
I look out the window and see Tammy getting out of her car, carrying some folders in her arms. She looks put together, but also a little disheveled, as if she just got off her shift at the hospital or something.
I’m sitting in a coffee shop. It’s same one that I interrupted Tammy and Noah in. It was her idea to meet up here. She said she needed to talk to me in person.
I don’t know what to think of all this. Is she going to tell me that she’s going to tell Noah unless I give her money? Is she going to try to hold this information for ransom or something?
After all, apparently she wants Noah, and she wants him bad. I’m worried that she’ll do whatever it takes to get him back, even if it means destroying me in the process.
But then again, I don’t want Noah, do I? I have no idea at this point. Everything seems pointless, now that he’s gone. I mean, James is everything to me. And I’ll do whatever I need to do to protect him and give him a good life. But the rest of my life has been feeling hollow since Noah left.
He’s out in LA, apparently. Or who knows where. I’ve watched his appearance on the Bob Show at least five more times since I watched it that first time. I don’t know what I’m looking for in it… some sign that he wants to get better, some sign that he wants to start a life with me and James.
But maybe that’s too much to ask. Maybe I’m reading into this all sorts of things that aren’t that.
I want Noah, badly, but he’s not in a position to start a family right now. Not with everything that he’s been through. He needs to at least take some steps to show that he’s headed in the right direction. Otherwise, I know I’ll never be able to count on him when I need him most.
Tammy enters the coffee shop and her head spins around until she sees me. She smiles when she sees me.
It’s a nice smile, actually.
Up until now, I’ve considered her something of a villain, a devil woman intent on breaking apart everything good that was going for me.
But now I don’t have Noah anyway. And it’s not her fault.
“Nice to see you, Hana,” says Tammy, giving me a half hug as I get up from the table.
“You too,” I say.
She’s all smiles, radiating a kind of warmth. Meanwhile, I feel down in the dumps, to say the least.
“Thanks for meeting me,” she says.
“Sure,” I say. “What is it that you wanted to tell me about?”
I figure she’s going to tell me that she knows I was trying to prevent Noah from finding out, and that she’s found a way to tell him anyway, merely securing his distance from me. Once he hears the news, he’ll be too far gone to salvage anything.
But do I even want to?
Maybe it’s good that he knows. Maybe Tammy did me a favor.
“So I haven’t told him,” says Tammy.
“What?” I say, my mouth falling open in surprise.
Tammy smiles and shakes her head. “I was doing a lot of thinking,” she says. “And I realized that Noah’s simply not into me at all. I could tell when we were in the coffee shop… I realized I was just hanging onto some little crush I had back in high school. I mean, I never really felt much of a connection with Noah anyway…”
“You know, I didn’t really go out with him in high school,” I say. “We just hooked up one night.”
“Yeah,” says Tammy. “But there was something there… Something real. All he could do when we met was talk about you.”
“Really?” I say, blushing a little. I guess I do feel something for Noah, after all. Just hearing that he was talking about me still makes me blush.
“I was so intent on telling him all about your son, but he just kept talking about you. I could barely get a word in.”
“So you don’t want to tell him now?”
Tammy shakes her head. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, like I said,” she says. “And I don’t want to be the villain. I want to help you, though, Hana.”
“Help me?”
“I want to see you and Noah together.”
“Are you sure?”
“Definitely,” says Tammy. “It would just be so cute for the three of you to be reunited… I never pictured myself as some kind of evil stepmother anyway…”
I laugh. “You wouldn’t be an evil stepmother.”
“Either way,” says Tammy. “There’s really no chance of that happening. Like I said, I’m not the competition. Noah simply isn’t interested in me in the least bit. And I have the feeling he’s not interested in anyone but you.”
There’s a silence for a moment.
“Do you want something to drink?” I say.
I don’t know why I say it. I guess I can’t think of anything else to say.
Tammy shakes her head. “Thanks,” she says. “I’m fine. But I know you and Noah were seeing each other again, now that he’s back.”
“That’s not happening,” I say.
“Oh,” says Tammy, looking concerned.
I guess she really does care. How weird that the people you sometimes think are your worst enemies actually do care about you. Sometimes they don’t even realize it themselves.
“I just couldn’t deal with… Well, he’s got some issues.”
“I’m sure you’ll work it out,” says Tammy. “After all, you have a son together. And I think you have him for a reason…”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been getting more… spiritual recently,” says Tammy. “And I think that things happen for a reason.”
“I think it happened because I said I was on birth control and I wasn’t,” I say. “But I wouldn’t give up my son for anything. It was a mistake, but a good one. One that’s changed my life for the better.”
Tammy smiles at me. “We all think about things differently,” she says. “What I know is that you have a son together and there’s some strong connection between you. I have a feeling that you’ll end up together. But you need to tell him.”
“Every time I start,” I say, “things seem to be going so well that I don’t want to ruin it. I know he’s going to be furious with me when he finds out that I’ve been lying to him for so long, that I never told him…”
“How do you know he’s going to be upset? Maybe he’ll be happy that he has a son.”
“I’m sure he will,” I say. “But… then he’ll start thinking and realize that I’ve been hiding it from him for so long…”
“You say that when things are going well, you don’t want to tell him. Maybe this is the perfect time, when things are going badly.”
I don’t say anything. Actually, she has a point.
We chat for another half hour, about all sorts of things. It’s funny that we weren’t friends in high school, because she’s actually a nice person and the two of us have a lot to talk about.
It’s funny how things like that happen. We were in completely different cliques in high school. I don’t think we ever exchanged a single word, and here we are chatting like old friends.
People can change, and your relationships with them can change.
Everything in the universe seems to be screaming at me to give Noah a second chance. Or at the very least to tell him that James is his son.
Tammy makes a really good point.
Finally, Tammy admits that she’s just worked a very long shift and that she needs to get home to get some sleep.
And I need to be picking James up from camp in an hour. We say goodbye and hug in the parking lot, and now I’m left on my own, walking through the sunny streets, the same streets that I’ve walked all my life. But today they look different. The light seems to shine through the trees in a more magical way than before.
But I should be feeling depressed. I should be feeling this horrible weight tugging at my heart. After all, the man that I know I love (but haven’t ever admitted it) is gone. And he needs to do some serious work before he can join my family… and not only that, but I have a horrible secret that will surely tear us all apart.
But instead of feeling heavy, my heart feels as light as a feather.
I don’t have any idea why I feel like this.
Maybe it’s the sun, streaming down on me through the trees, shining right through me, illuminating every inch of my interior, right down to my bones that have been cold for so long.
A car beeps loudly near me.
It startles me, and I spin around to see who it is.
It’s just some generic car that doesn’t look familiar at all.
Maybe it’s just someone who’s honking at something else, at some other car. But there isn’t another car on the street. Well, maybe they honked by mistake, accidentally hitting the horn with their elbow or something.
I’m all alone on the sunny road. Before this car arrived, I could hear my own footsteps. Everyone has apparently gone down to the shore for the summer, leaving the town surprisingly empty. But it’s like this every year.
“Hana!” cries a voice. It’s from the car. The voice is unmistakable. It’s Noah.
Shit.
I’m happy to see him. My heart jumps, leaps, really.
But at the same time, I’m filled with dread.
Tammy’s right. I have to tell him.
I feel dread because I was thinking that I’d have a few days, if not a few weeks, before I heard from him again, before I had to tell him. I’d have weeks and weeks to convince myself that telling him really is the right thing to do.
Instead, here he is now.
And I promised myself.
I need to tell him, and I need to tell him now.
Maybe Tammy’s right. I don’t have anything to lose. I already know that he needs to do a lot of work before something works between us…
The car pulls over and Noah gets out.
He’s never looked more handsome, never looked hotter. He stands tall, the sun shining on him. He’s wearing a short sleeve button down shirt that’s open just enough that I can see his powerful chest.
His hair is perfect and his eyes shine as he looks at me.
He walks over to me and I stand still, paralyzed like a rabbit on somebody’s lawn.
“Hana,” he says, his voice soft but intense and masculine.
“Hi, Noah,” I say, my voice trembling out of me. “I didn’t think I’d see you so soon…”
“I decided to cut the book tour short,” he says. “It wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. I just want to be writing, not spending all my time promoting my books. And… I wanted to see you. Actually, I needed to see you.”
I don’t say anything. But he gazes into my eyes and my heart seems to skip a beat as he takes both my hands in his.
“Hana,” he says. “I realized that… Well, I don’t quite know how to say this. But I realize that you were right. I do have some problems that are based on my experiences in the armed services. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or anything. I’m not sure if it’s PTSD. But I’m going to see a therapist who’s great. I found someone I can work with here, so I can stay in town.”
“You’re staying here?” I say. My voice is weak with surprise.
My knees seem to buckle… at the idea that he’s going to be here with me, right in town.
“Yeah,” says Noah. “When I was in LA, I went to a vets’ group. It was like a talk therapy group, and a lot of the guys had similar experiences to what I’ve been going through… It turns out I don’t need to go through it alone. I can talk to people who’ve had experience with these issues…”
“That’s great, Noah,” I say.
“Hana,” he says. “I want you back. I’m willing to change for you. I’m willing to keep improving myself. I don’t know exactly what those changes are yet. But there’s one thing I know. There’s one thing I’m completely sure of. I’m completely certain I want you in my life…”
“Noah,” I say, my voice rising in joy and happiness. “That’s so wonderful to hear. I want you in my life too…”
But a little voice in my head is screaming at me. I have to tell him. And I have to tell him now.
There’s a pause where neither of us speak.
“Noah,” I say. “There’s something I need to tell you. I should have told you long ago. I hate that I’ve done this…”
“What is it?” says Noah.
“You’re James’s father,” I say.
Suddenly, it feels like a huge weight has lifted off me. I feel free and unburdened for the first time in a long, long time.
But then I remember that Noah… he might not take this well.
I watch his face intently.
He doesn’t move a single muscle on his face. He seems frozen somehow.
But he says nothing. He just keeps looking at me, his face completely unreadable.
“I wanted to tell you for so long,” I say. “But things were going so well that I didn’t want to ruin it all by telling you this… I feel terrible about it all, Noah. You’ve got to believe me.”
I start babbling, telling Noah everything.
Meanwhile, he doesn’t move a muscle.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he speaks.
“So James is really my son?”
“Yes,” I say. “I wasn’t on birth control. I lied about it… I didn’t know you would, you know, finish inside me… I didn’t know what to do. You were gone, and I didn’t know… I was a young mother, confused and alone. I did the best I could. I did the best I could to raise our son…”
To my surprise, Noah cracks a smile.
“There’s something I’ve learned,” says Noah. “And that’s that not everything is in our control…”
“What do you mean by that? Aren’t you angry about all this?” I ask because he doesn’t look angry. I was expecting an explosion. I was half expecting him to yell at me and storm off, furious at me for ruining his chances of being a father through James’s early years.
Noah gives me a curious look. Finally he moves.
He doesn’t look mad.
“You know,” he says. “I should be mad, I suppose, but…”
His words hang in the air. And I practically hold my breath waiting for what he’s about to say next.
“But… he’s a great kid. It sort of makes sense, I guess…”
Noah chuckles lightly.
“Yeah,” he says, starting to smile. “That doesn’t sound too bad…”
“What doesn’t sound too bad?”
“Being a father…”
I smile at him.
“Aren’t you mad?”
“Maybe I will be… That’s kind of screwed up, not to tell me and all that.”
“I’m really sorry,” I say. “I just… I didn’t know what to do. I was so confused.”
SEAL'd Lips: A Secret Baby Romance Page 15
