He’s got me.
He always had me.
There was never anyone else.
Twenty-Eight
Neal
I look up as she walks into the room. It only seems like five minutes ago that she was walking in here for the first time, her face a picture of awe and surprise as she caught sight of the view over Manhattan, and I thought we were about to start our new adventure, together. Two lost souls who’d found each other; needed each other. I thought we were gonna be OK.
She sits down on the chair opposite me and drops her gaze to her hands clasped together in her lap. I’ve never seen her look so sad. The distance between us now is so real and so sudden I don’t think I’ve completely got my fucked-up head around exactly what’s going on here; what happened tonight.
‘Alan said you left the club just after midnight. I didn’t know if you’d come straight home, but, I guess you did, huh?’
She can’t look at me. But I want her to look at me. I need her to look at me, just so I can be certain.
‘You should never have asked me to do this, Neal.’
‘You should never have kept him a secret.’
Her head drops even lower and every nerve ending in my body is crying out for me to tell her it doesn’t matter; we can still get through this. But that’s a lie. I don’t think we can.
‘I saw, Kira. I saw it all.’
She slowly looks up, and her eyes meet mine, and the pain in my chest is crushing, it’s unbearable. ‘I’m so sorry, Neal.’
‘So am I, baby.’
She gets up and walks over to the window, folding her arms against herself as she looks out over a view I once thought was gonna become as familiar to her as the Tyne Bridge back in her home town of Newcastle.
‘I told you, didn’t I? When you first said you wanted to be with me…’ She turns around and leans back against the glass, her arms still folded, her face tired and still so sad. I guess tonight’s taken its toll on everyone. ‘I told you it was a mistake.’
‘We weren’t a mistake, Kira.’
I’m angry that she even thought that. I don’t regret a minute with her, in spite of the mess we all seem to be in now.
I get up and go over to her, and for the first time in so long I’m not sure if touching her is something I should do. I don’t know how it’s going to make me feel; how it’s going to make her feel. Does she want me to touch her?
‘We were never a mistake, darlin’, you got that?’
Her eyes lock with mine and I feel my heart contract with a fresh wave of pain so raw that for a second I can’t catch my breath.
‘You deserve better than me. What I did… What I kept hidden from you, after everything you told me about Lisa…’
She turns her head away from me and a sadness so brutal engulfs me; takes hold of my soul and clenches it tight until I can barely breathe.
‘I wanted you to be enough, I really did. But it wasn’t fair on you, Neal.’ She looks at me again and I don’t think I can bear it, this aura of utter devastation that surrounds us now. ‘I wasn’t fair on you. What I did was selfish. I should have walked away when I had the chance.’
I shake my head, because she’s wrong. She wasn’t selfish. She was only doing what she had to do to get over something that had messed her up. ‘I never wanted you to do that.’
She smiles weakly, and I just want to wrap her in my arms and hold her tight and refuse to let her go. But she was never really mine to hold on to. I was never gonna get her for keeps. ‘I really did think I was falling in love with you, Neal.’
I reach out and touch her cheek, a reflex action I’d undertaken before I realised it was happening. But she doesn’t flinch or move away. She covers my hand with hers, our fingers threading together, and I move a little closer, the smell of her perfume filling my head. She’s obviously showered before coming here because I can’t smell him on her. There’s no trace of him there, but the memory of him touching her, fucking her; of what that’s now led to – that’s gonna stay with me for a long time.
‘Just because I wasn’t the one who could love you like you deserve to be loved, Neal, doesn’t mean that that someone isn’t out there, somewhere. Someone who will love you.’
I try to smile but it’s hard. I don’t feel much like smiling right now. ‘Are you sure, Kira? About what you’re doing?’
She doesn’t miss a beat as she nods, and her expression is so certain it feels like another knife to my already hacked-up heart. ‘I have to give us this chance, Neal. Me and Jon. I have to. I’ve been running from it for so long and now…’ She bows her head, but she keeps hold of my hand, ‘now I need to see if we really can be together.’
‘Are you going back home? To England?’
She looks up, and her expression is once again sad. Defeated. I know how she feels.
‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to go back; if we should go back, so, right now, I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know what we’re going to do. I guess I’m about to head off on another adventure, huh?’
Those words hurt more than anything, because this adventure was supposed to be ours. Mine and hers. Two broken people thrown together, for a reason. And whatever that reason was, the only thing it’s doing now is killing me.
‘I should go,’ she whispers, gently pulling her hand away from mine and I feel a panic start to take over. This is it. She’s about to walk out of my life and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to watch her do that. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing everything I could to keep her here? She’s my life, my world, my fucking obsession, and I’m just gonna let her walk out of here? I’m not that man. I don’t give up that easily.
‘Stay. Please. Just for a few more minutes.’
‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Neal.’
I lean in to her and lightly place my hand on her hip, just as I did the very first time we met, and I kiss her cheek, in exactly the same way I’d kissed it back then, in the hope it’s gonna bring all those memories flooding back. And her tiny gasp tells me that she’s weakening, just a touch, as my hand slides around to cup her ass, and I kiss her mouth, and she falls against me, and I feel everything from happy to sad to painful confusion take over every cell in my messed-up body.
‘Remember how good it felt to let go of the past, Kira,’ I murmur, keeping my mouth against hers, I’m not pulling away until I have to. I’m not ready. If he’s got her for keeps he can give me another five minutes. ‘Remember how good that felt, baby.’
She sighs quietly, but does nothing to stop me from kissing her again, in fact, she responds with a kiss just as long and just as deep, her mouth opening to accept my tongue and I keep so tight a hold of her it would be impossible for anyone to pull her away from me now.
‘I can’t do this, Neal,’ she whispers, but she makes no attempt to pull back from me. ‘I can’t…’ She moans quietly as I slide a hand up under her dress, finding the sides of her panties and I tug at them gently before carefully sliding my fingers underneath the thin material, connecting with her warm, wet pussy. ‘I can’t…’ she groans, and I slowly push two fingers inside her and my cock’s yelling at me to either stop this, or let it take over, but I’m not pulling away now. To give her just a second to think about what’s happening here would be dangerous. So I push deeper into her, thrusting a third finger inside and she cries out quietly but widens her stance slightly to give me more room, and I’ve got no clue what the endgame’s gonna be here; once I’ve brought her to orgasm, is she still gonna walk away from me? Is all I’m getting here one final goodbye…?
Kira
I hadn’t wanted this to happen. I was coming here to say goodbye, to tell him I was sorry; that I have to follow my heart. And my heart lies with Jon, even though it’s Neal’s fingers inside me, Neal bringing me to an orgasm I know is gonna be beautiful, but final.
It shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let it.
I shouldn’t.
It isn’t
fair on him. On me. On Jon. It isn’t fair on anyone.
I pull back slightly and look at him, those heartbreakingly beautiful blue eyes of his staring deep into my soul as his fingers fuck me hard and slow and the confusion that sweeps over me is overwhelming. I’m breathless with lust and fear and a love I could have let myself fall into. If my past hadn’t caught up with me.
But I was weak.
I could have been stronger.
And I’m not proud. I’m really not proud…
Neal
I can’t read her expression, it’s almost impassive as her eyes lock with mine and my fingers continue to fuck her. But it’s the hottest freaking feeling, Jesus, could this get any more messed-up?
My thumb connects with her clit, and it’s firm and warm to the touch, and the sound she makes when I start to rub it makes my stomach flip so many times my head’s freaking spinning! The shit she makes me feel, that isn’t ever gonna go away. I’m always gonna remember they way she brought me back to life. Because even if she does walk away from me, I’m not going back to the way things were before. I’m keeping the club, I’m keeping my new life. It’s just gonna be a little more empty, without her in it. If she goes.
If…
Kira
Oh, Jesus! Jesus!
I can feel the tingles start to take effect; my skin burning up as his fingers thrust into me and his thumb circles my clit. I can feel it all starting to happen, and I don’t want it to end. Not yet. He started this, and I’m taking it, but I don’t want it to end. Yet. So I take hold of his wrist and yank his hand away from me, my eyes once more staring deep into his.
‘I want to feel this…’ I touch his slightly open mouth with mine, ‘here.’ I take his hand and rest it against me, and he groans, and I know it’s gonna happen. ‘You got that, Mr Cannon?’
I reach down to take hold of the hem of my dress, sliding it up over my hips, and he immediately sinks to his haunches, pulling my knickers down in one swift action. I step out of them and widen my legs, closing my eyes as he takes hold of my hips and pushes me back against the floor-to-ceiling window. But the second his mouth touches me, something inside me snaps; a switch is flicked, I don’t know. I just know that this shouldn’t be happening. Not anymore.
I reach down and cup his face in my hand, pulling him back up to face me, and he’s confused, of course he is. I am, too. But Jon and me, we were never really over. We never will really be over. And I can’t betray him any more…
Neal
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t give me what I wanted, what I needed just one more time. I may have underestimated how much this man really means to her, which just tears me apart even more, the pain ripping through me like a thunderbolt.
‘You know that what you feel for him – that’s how I feel about you, Kira. The way you love him, that’s how I love you…’
‘Neal...’
‘That’s how I love you.’
‘No…’ she whispers, shaking her head, and her eyes are bright with tears, her cheeks damp where some have already started to fall.
‘I wanted to fight for you, baby, I really did. I still do, Jesus, I still fucking do. And if I thought I had any chance of winning…’ I gently wipe some of her tears away, our eyes locking as my thumb trails over her wet skin. ‘But I don’t have a chance. Do I?’
She breaks the stare and pulls away from me.
I have her answer.
Game over.
Kira
I can’t tell him what he wants to hear. And they’re words I want to be able to say, but I can’t. Because they wouldn’t be true. And I’ve hurt him enough.
‘You’ll keep an eye on Joey for me, won’t you?’
He smiles, and I feel my heart break a little bit more. This man could have given me everything. This man could have been my new beginning. But instead I’m choosing to go back, to a past chapter in my life that I never got to finish. And I have no idea how any of it is going to work out, I just know I can’t move anywhere until Jon and I have taken our chance – a chance we’ve been trying to take for almost fifteen years.
‘I don’t think Joey needs keeping an eye on, but, yeah. I’ll make sure he behaves.’
‘Joey was always on your side, you know.’
‘Well, that’s because he has great taste.’
I smile back at him, and for a brief second the mood lifts, but all too soon we both remember where this is heading, and that darkness descends once more. ‘He won’t agree with what I’m doing.’
‘Because he cares about you. He worries about you.’
‘I’m sorry if you end up becoming a sounding board for him.’
‘It’s fine, Kira. Joey’s a friend. We’re business partners. He’s gonna talk to me a lot.’
I smile again, even though I’m terrified of telling Joey any of this. The last thing he wants me to do is hold on to any part of my past, even if it’s only a tiny part. But Jon isn’t really a tiny part. He’s most of it. ‘I should go.’
‘If you want to come by and collect your things tomorrow, I can make sure I’m out. I’ve got meetings all day and…’
I watch as he drops his head, and another flood of overwhelming sadness washes over me.
‘They’re gonna miss you, Kira. At the gallery.’
He looks back up and our eyes meet. But I can’t say anything. The words I really want to say are all jumbled up inside my head and I can’t seem to form them properly enough to let them out. So I stay silent.
‘I hope you stay in New York. Even if it’s just for a little while.’
‘Maybe. Like I said, I’m not sure where we’re gonna go, but…’
‘Kira…’
I cup his cheek and lean in to kiss him one more time. One last time. ‘Don’t, Neal. Please.’
He pulls me into his arms and I fall against him, but it’s too late. The memories Jon made me relive when he turned up here, they’re too engrained in my head now. Too vivid and real and I can’t shut them down. Not now. Doing that was never an option in the first place. What I shared with him was more than I have ever shared with anybody; the secrets, the lies, the love… It’s too much to forget. I was naïve to think I could.
‘I’m so sorry, baby,’ I whisper, trailing my fingers over his cheek, his beautiful blue eyes wet with tears and I hate what I’m doing here. I hate it with every part of my heart and soul, but I have to do it. I have to. I have no choice. ‘I’m sorry.’
I can’t run any more.
And I know going back isn’t always a wise thing to do. Joey’s going to tell me that. Benni’s going to tell me that.
But I have no choice.
Because, for me, going back is the only way I’ll ever be able to move forward.
Twenty-Nine
Neal
‘You called off the dogs yet?’
Barry looks at me and frowns, but he knows exactly what I’m talking about. ‘Sorry?’
‘Your fucking lawyers, Barry. Kira’s left me, you got what you wanted, so, have you told them to back off?’
He sits down on the edge of my desk and I eye him warily. I just don’t trust him as much as I used to. ‘You’re still running the club though, right?’
‘It’s a business, Barry. And a good one. Have you looked at the books, huh? Have you seen how much money that place is making me?’
I’m not giving up on The Playroom. Our private playroom has been shut down now, I have no use for it anymore. I can’t face going in there, given the memories it holds. But the club, that’s turning into a great business venture. Because that’s all it is to me now – cold, hard business. It doesn’t hold the same excitement or meaning it did when Kira was with me, but I’m not giving it up. I’d be stupid to do that. The Playroom, and Bam-Bams – me and Joey and Benni, we’re making one hell of a good living out of those places.
‘OK. I’ll call them off.’
I don’t say thanks. I’ve got nothing to be grateful to him for.
‘
You alright?’
I slowly look back up at him. ‘What do you care?’
‘I’m your brother, Neal, of course I care. And everything I did… I only ever wanted what was best for you.’
Obsession (Forbidden #2) Page 29
