‘Pregnant?’ He sits down beside me, and I can tell he’s still shocked. ‘When?’
‘A long time ago.’
‘Simon’s?’
I shake my head. ‘The baby was Jon’s.’
‘Jesus, Kira… How many more secrets…?’
‘No more, Joey.’ I shake my head, but I can’t meet his gaze, I’m too ashamed. Too scared. Too tired and frightened to tell him any more, but I have to. Now. ‘No more secrets. I promise.’
‘What happened, angel?’
His voice is soft, and that just makes me even more ashamed. He should be angry; he should be walking away from me after all the crap I’ve thrown at him, but instead he’s still here, and I don’t deserve him. But I need him, now more than ever. ‘We’d just started the affair. And we’d only been sleeping together a few months, but we were in love, Joey. We were head over fucking heels, crazy in love. And we thought we’d been careful, you know? We thought…’ Talking about something both me and Jon put behind us a long time ago is hard. This is a memory neither of us ever wanted to resurrect, but I really think we have to now. Because I don’t think we ever really got over it; over the repercussions it caused. ‘We thought we were OK.’
‘Oh, Kira…’
His voice sounds weary, and I don’t blame him for being tired of the secrets I keep throwing at him now. But they’d all needed to be kept just that – secret. Until now. Because now I know just how much secrets can hurt; how they can mess up people’s lives. And I should never have kept them. But hindsight is no use to me now.
‘What happened?’ Joey repeats, and I keep my gaze on the floor as every memory of that time plays back in my head like a sad and painful home movie.
‘I lost it. The baby. I lost it. I was only a few weeks gone, I’d only just found out I was pregnant, and me and Jon, we were trying to work out what to do, how to tell everyone…’
‘So, you’re telling me there was a point when you were going to leave Simon for him?’
I nod, and I can’t stop the searing shot of pain from piercing my still fragile heart. ‘We were going to come clean. When it was just… when it was just me and him, that wasn’t a good enough reason to mess up everyone’s lives. But a baby changes everything. A baby meant we couldn’t hide anymore, we had to come clean. Because the second we found out I was pregnant we knew we wanted to keep it. It was like someone had sent us a sign, sent us that baby as a message, a reason why we had to be together. So, yeah, we were gonna tell everyone. We were just waiting for the twelve week mark, and planning our future together, and we were excited. Scared, but excited. And then one day…’ I keep my eyes down on the ground, but even though I feel like crying, there are no tears. I cried enough over this. All those tears are used up. They’re done. ‘That morning, he woke up, and he turned me over to kiss me awake, and there was blood. So much blood… all over the sheets. All over him. I’d lost our baby. We’d had one, rare night together, because everyone else was out of town; we’d had one, rare, beautiful night together – and it was the night I lost our baby.’
‘Jesus Christ, Kira… Why the hell didn’t you tell me any of this? Why?’
‘Because all of that was behind me, by the time we met. Or, I thought it was. But when Jon found me…’ I shrug. It’s pointless, all these recriminations. All these what ifs and should have dones. They don’t change a thing. They don’t make anything any better. ‘I’m so sorry, Joey.’ I finally raise my gaze and his eyes instantly lock with mine. ‘But I promise you, there really are no more secrets. Every skeleton I have is now right out of the closet.’
He takes my hand and squeezes it, smiling a reassuring smile, and I feel like a huge weight has just been lifted from my shoulders. ‘I’m assuming, then, considering what you told me before, that you both decided not to come clean, after that?’
‘There was no point. The baby was gone, and with it our reason to reveal how we really felt about one another. We were obviously never meant to be together, the miscarriage told us that. I saw that as another sign, you see. A sign that we shouldn’t be messing with other people’s lives. We needed to keep things the way they’d been before. So, we kept on seeing each other, because we couldn’t give each other up. We couldn’t. We just had to accept that we weren’t meant to be together that way.’
He squeezes my hand again and sighs quietly, his frustration with me quite evident.
‘What happened to my ball-breaking bitch, huh?’
He says that with his tongue firmly in his cheek and I smile. Joey makes me smile, even when everything feels crap and confusing. ‘She lost her way, for a little while.’
‘Is she coming back?’
I drop my eyes for a couple of beats before I look back up at him. ‘Probably, yeah.’
‘Did he look after you? When it happened? Did he make sure you were OK?’
‘As best he could. I was just glad we’d had that time together, that it was him I was with when it happened, because if it had been…’ I trail off for a second, trying not to think about what could have happened if I’d been with Simon. The pretending I would have had to do. The lies I would have had to tell. ‘We were lucky…’ I laugh at my odd use of that word. There was nothing lucky about what happened to us. ‘We were lucky Simon was out of town. Lucky that Jon’s dad was in London presiding over an important court case. Lucky my dad was with Simon and his, in Leeds, on a business trip. Lucky that all our mothers were away on a three-day Spa break.’ I laugh again, my gaze dropping back down to the floor. ‘Talk about perfect timing, huh?’
‘Kira… why didn’t you both just run? When you had the chance? Why didn’t you just fucking run, angel?’
‘I don’t know,’ I sigh, throwing myself back against the couch. ‘I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t have that window of opportunity. Looking back, yeah, we had that. I guess we were just so emotionally drained, after losing the baby. All that excitement we’d built up at the thought of that new life together, it just came crashing down around us. And the stress of knowing we were going to have to keep it all a secret… keep another secret…’ I drag my hands through my hair and sigh again, sitting up and dropping my head. ‘We just didn’t think. And then it was too late. Everyone came home, and we had to act like nothing had happened. And that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do…’
I hear him get up, and a minute or two later he’s back, handing me a glass of something. ‘Brandy. Get it down you. You’re not driving anywhere are you?’
I shake my head and take the drink, sipping it slowly. ‘You know I prefer bourbon.’
‘It’s not a fucking hotel, angel, so just drink your brandy and get your head straight.’ He sits back down, and I notice he’s fixed himself a cup of coffee. ‘I’ve got work to do, missy. I don’t have the luxury of drinking brandy at eleven thirty in the morning.’
‘You still think I’m crazy, don’t you? Walking away from Neal.’
‘Yes, I do. I think he’s good for you, Kira. And I’m worried, about you going back to something that holds so many memories of the past. Going back there, that isn’t always a good idea. You said so yourself, sweetheart.’
‘I know.’ I’m aware of my fingers winding together in a nervous, manic action, but I can’t stop them.
‘So why go back? Draw a line under it, kiddo. Remember it, deal with it, deal with him, and then walk away.’
‘I can’t, Joey.’
‘You’re stronger than this, Kira.’
‘I’m not,’ I whisper, shaking my head. ‘I’m not. He’s the first man I ever loved… Jon Ryan. The first – the only man I’ve ever loved.’
‘I thought you loved Neal. You seemed so…’
‘I thought I did, too, Joey. I really thought I did, too. But then he – Jon, he walked back into my life, and it was like another one of those signs, you know? He keeps finding me, keeps refusing to let me go, and that has to mean something, doesn’t it?’
‘Are you asking me, or
telling me? Because if you want me to tell you what I think you should be doing…’
‘I know what I’m doing.’
‘You sure about that?’
‘I love him, Joey. I love Jon. I’m in love with him. And, yes, it’s complicated and messy and I have no idea what we’re going to do or even where we’re going next, but, I know I can’t go back to Newcastle. Not with him. It’s too close. Too many people could see him, and then they’d find me and…’
‘You don’t want anyone to find you, right?’
I shake my head and throw him another small smile. ‘You know I don’t.’
‘Which is why I’m still confused as to why you think being with Jon is such a good idea.’
‘I love him. It’s as simple as that. Nothing else matters.’
‘Evidently.’
‘Everything will be OK, Joey. Eventually. I’m sure of it.’
‘I hope so, kiddo. Because you’re breaking my heart here, upping and leaving me – again.’
‘I’m sure you’ll survive. You love it here in New York, and don’t tell me otherwise.’
‘I do, angel. I can’t lie. New York is my kind of place.’ He looks at me, and I feel so much love for this man I don’t deserve to have as a friend. I lied to him. I shut him out. I should have been more honest, but, like I said, hindsight is no use to me now. ‘Couldn’t you make it yours, Kira?’
I shake my head and finish the brandy. ‘Not with Neal so close, Joey. That wouldn’t really be fair, would it? On anyone.’
He gives another heavy sigh and stands up, holding out his hand. ‘Come on, beautiful. I’ve got a club to run, and you’re making the place look a mess, hanging around here.’
I take his hand and let him pull me up off the couch, and I can’t help smiling as I look over his shoulder and see Jon walk in, stopping to say something to Benni before he makes his way over to me and Joey.
‘You OK?’ Joey asks, giving my hand a squeeze.
‘I’m fine.’ I smile, and he kisses me quickly.
‘You make sure he looks after you, you got that? Or he’ll have me to answer to. And that should worry him, believe me.’ I hug him, and he gives my hand one more quick squeeze before he pulls away slightly. ‘Oh, and no leaving without a proper goodbye, you hear me? If I have to let you go – again – then you’re getting a Bam-Bams send off this time. No arguments.’
‘I wouldn’t dare.’
He smiles and winks at me before he heads over to Benni, and I bow my head briefly, breathing in deep to compose myself because the realisation of what I’ve just revealed there is only just beginning to hit me. But then I feel him, there in front of me, and I lift my head to look at him. He has his hands in his pockets, and his hair’s all mussed-up and windswept and I can’t stop myself from reaching out to push it back off his face. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey back. You OK?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘You look sad.’
‘No. I’m not sad.’ I am. A little. I’m sad about the mess we caused; about the way I’ve handled everything, back then, and now. I’m sad that I felt I had to keep secrets; that I had to lie. I’m sad that people got hurt. ‘Listen, I… I told Joey. About the baby.’
He briefly looks down, and I feel his fingers curl around mine and squeeze my hand tight because this is the first time I’ve brought this subject up, with him, since the day it happened. But we need to sort this out now. We need to start dealing with stuff.
‘I thought not talking about it was what you wanted, Kira. I thought that’s how you’d chosen to deal with it.’
‘It was the only way we could deal with it, at the time. And then it just seemed easier to continue pretending it had never happened. I didn’t want to remember what could have been, I just wanted to make the most of any time we could spend together.’ I look back down at his hand still holding tightly on to mine. ‘But we can’t lock those memories away forever, Jon.’ I tuck a finger under his chin and lift his head up, our eyes meeting. ‘We can’t.’
‘We managed for over ten years, Kira.’
‘And how’d that work out, huh?’
‘It killed us, darlin’. That night, it killed us.’
I rest my forehead against his and he slides a hand into the small of my back, pulling me closer, and I hook my arms around his neck, grateful for his good timing. I’m glad he’s here. ‘I know, baby.’
‘What could have been…’
I shake my head and press my fingers to his lips. ‘Don’t, Jon. Please. I told you, I don’t want to go there.’
‘It’s not too late, Kira. To still have that life we promised ourselves.’
I kiss him slowly, and he holds me tight, and I feel relief flood through me as he kisses me back, because he’s easing the pain reliving that memory caused. He’s making me think that, maybe, we can finally start to put things right now instead of pushing them aside and pretending they never happened.
‘Look, I – I don’t want to do this here, kid. OK? Not here.’
I rest my hand against his cheek, and I smile, and I kiss him again because there’s still a part of me that can’t quite believe he’s really here. ‘I know.’
‘I – I’ve got this house. Close to Bar Harbor…’
‘Bar Harbor?’
‘It’s in Maine. And it’s beautiful, Kira. Right on the waterfront, with incredible views, and it’s private…’
He’s got my head spinning now, and I take small step back just to try and process everything that’s going on because, at times, it feels like it’s all fast-forwarding so quickly I can’t keep up. It’s like I’m constantly a few steps behind. ‘I didn’t even know you had a house here, in the US.’
‘My family they – they’ve got homes all over the place. My dad – he’s some big-shot QC now, and my mum, she’s the editor of some high-end fashion magazine. They’re living in London now, so I’ve been told. But I haven’t seen either of them in years. Not since… not since I cut all ties with Simon.’
‘Did they ever ask you why you did that? Why you suddenly, completely cut off your best friend, just like that?’
‘Yeah, they did. Me and Simon, we were mates. We were close. Even when you and me started…’ He drops his gaze briefly and sighs quietly. ‘Even when I knew how he was treating you, I still tried to keep up the pretence that we were the best of friends, to protect us, but when he…’ He drags a hand through his hair, and for the first time I can see the strain of the past few years clearly etched on his face. We’ve caused so much pain, to too many people. It’s time to stop now; to sort this out. He shrugs. ‘He crossed a fucking line, Kira…’ He digs his hands in his pockets again, his eyes back down on the floor. ‘And I had to walk away, or I’d have killed him. And even my dad wouldn’t have been able to defend that.’
‘Jon…’
‘But I have that house. They may not understand what happened to me; why I became the man I did, and they’ll never know why. No one will, except you.’ He raises his gaze and I feel my heart start to beat that little bit faster as he looks at me. We both had to change. Neither of us had any choice. ‘They may not speak to me now, or even want to see me anymore, but…’ He drags a hand through his hair again, and I can see the loneliness in his eyes now, and it hurts like hell. ‘They made sure I had a few assets to fall back on. So, that house, it’s all mine. I’d just never really seen a reason to use it before. Until now.’
I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do, how to feel. But then he takes my hand and pulls me back against him, kissing the heel of my palm and I have to close my eyes as so many memories flood my brain – memories of that morning; his face as he pulled me to him, the blood, his voice frantically trying to get the words out as he called for an ambulance. The way he held me in his arms the entire time we waited for the paramedics, rocking me gently, telling me it was all going to be alright. Telling me he loved me. That he would always love me. He took away the pain; he eased my fear. But he couldn’
t stop all the crap from happening.
‘You’re gonna leave all this behind now, right?’ he whispers, his fingers still clinging on to my hand.
‘All what?’ I ask. My head’s still spinning, and once again I feel like everything’s shifting way too fast. But I don’t want to let him go, so I know all I can do is cling on and see what happens next. It’s not like I’m a stranger to taking a risk.
Obsession (Forbidden #2) Page 31
