Deep Surrendering (Episode Two)

by Cameron, Chelsea M.

  “Probably never. I don’t take my clothes off to have sex.” He sat down on the corner of my bed, much too far away. I looked around for my robe and pulled it around myself.

  “You know that’s kinda fucked up, Fin,” I said. He looked at me and I saw a ripple of anger and . . . something else.

  “I’ve been trying to warn you that I’m not the guy you think I am. I told you that I’ve done things that would disgust you. Would disgust most people, and the people that wouldn’t be disgusted aren’t people you would ever want to know or encounter.” There he went again. Talking about how damaged and fucked up he was. The song was getting old. I’d heard it too many times.

  “You know, you’ve been saying that, yet you haven’t even given me a chance. How about you tell me one thing and then judge? Can you do that for me?” Fin sat with his back to me and I scooted down to the edge of the bed so I could sit next to him.

  How was it that he could have sex with me, but he couldn’t talk to me?

  “I pay for sex.”

  I waited for there to be more. “That’s it?”

  He turned toward me and his expression shifted to one of anger. “’That’s it?’ Marisol, are you being serious with me?”

  “Well, I mean, I’m sure you’re not the first guy who’s done it.” And he wouldn’t be the last. They said it was the world’s oldest profession. Distantly, I wondered if the girl from last night was one of those.

  Fin searched my eyes, as if I was joking with him. Sure, the idea of him paying for a prostitute didn’t make me jump for joy, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, though it did make me wonder what else he didn’t want to tell me.

  “Don’t you want to know how many? Places? What I did with them? Whether I used protection? Whether I have any diseases?” Fin fired the questions at me like an interrogation.

  I swallowed a few times. I hadn’t really thought about that, but I would have eventually. “Okay, tell me. How many? Where? What did you do? Did you wear a condom? Have you been tested?” I volleyed the questions back at him.

  “I’ve lost count. They’re all written down, though. Mostly in other countries where there are fewer regulations and prostitutes are a lot easier to find. I did everything to them. I fucked them. I tied them up. I hit them. I dominated them. I had them any way that suited me, whenever it suited me. I didn’t always use protection, but I visit a clinic every month and get tested for anything and everything. I have the current results in my office if you’d like to see them.”

  That was so much information at once that my brain couldn’t process it. Fin let me sit and think for a few minutes.

  Hookers. He’d been with hookers. And he hadn’t just been with them. He’d done things with them that I could only imagine. He didn’t need to go into details for me to figure it out. I had an imagination. And he hadn’t always been careful?

  Thank God we’d used a condom.

  “So. What do you think now?” Fin said, his voice sharp.

  “I think . . . I think that I probably shouldn’t have just had sex with you.”

  I could feel Fin pulling away from me and getting ready to bail again.

  “BUT. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you again. You’re these two people, Fin. I’m sure you’re aware of that. You play two different parts in life, and I’m attracted to both of those parts. One of them scares me, but I can deal with that fear. I think, deep down, that you want me to throw you out, because it’s so much easier that way. Then you don’t have to let me in.” I touched his shoulder and he flinched, which basically proved my point.

  Someone in his life had hurt him. He’d closed off his heart to outsiders. He’d put up walls and done things to keep people out. It had worked for him for years, but I didn’t give up so easily. Like he said, I was impatient. And stubborn.

  “But if I let you in and showed you everything, you’d leave. And then I’d be left with a bleeding heart and no way to recover. I’ve seen what broken hearts can do to people. There’s almost nothing worse, because there’s no cure.”

  “No,” I agreed. “But you can heal. And what is the point of life if you don’t have love in it?” Granted, I didn’t have a whole lot of people that I loved, but I couldn’t imagine my life without those few people. Even my parents, who didn’t see eye to eye with me on anything and loved me anyway. It wasn’t the same thing, but unconditional love was just that. Without conditions.

  “And besides, who decided I’m the one who’s going to break your heart? Maybe you’ll break mine.” I meant it as a joke, but he didn’t laugh. Making a frustrated noise, he got up and started pacing around the small room, which was impressive, considering how much space he took up.

  “You can’t be fine with this. You’re lying to me.” He tore his hands through his hair, which was already mussed.

  “I’m not ready to throw you a Congratulations You Fucked a Bunch of Prostitutes party, but that doesn’t mean I can’t . . . be okay with it. At some point.” He shook his head over and over, as if he was trying to get rid of a bee that was buzzing in his ear.

  “Have you heard anything I’ve said? Or do you just not want to believe it?” I was certain the latter was definitely the case. He was really losing it now, muttering to himself. I got up and grabbed his arms to make him stop pacing, but he started to plow me over, so I had to do something, and I did the first thing that came to mind.

  I pulled my hand back and smacked him across the face.

  “Oh my God!” I said as soon as I realized I’d hit him. But at least it made him stop pacing and look down at me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what else to do.” His face was frozen, his jaw clenched, and redness was blooming on the cheek I’d smacked.

  He seized both my wrists and I inhaled sharply. “What is wrong with you, Marisol?” His grip was firm, but his words were soft.

  “I don’t know. I just . . . I feel something for you and I don’t know what it is yet and I’m scared of it, but I welcome it because I haven’t felt this alive for a long time.”

  He dropped my wrists, but grabbed my face and pressed his forehead to mine. “Me too, Marisol. Me too.”

  The red-hot intensity of the moment faded into something softer and sweeter again. I almost wished I had a program that would alert me when he was sweet and when he was dark. It would make things a lot easier.

  I moved my head back so he’d look at me, and before he could say anything else, I raised myself on my tiptoes and kissed him. “It’s okay, Fin. It’s okay.”

  I didn’t really know what I was saying was okay, but I felt the words needed to be said. I stroked the sides of his face, and for a moment, I thought he was going to cry.

  But then he held me. Held me like I was a precious thing to him. A fragile thing that he wanted to protect. It didn’t hurt that he was so much taller than I was that he could almost fold himself in half over me.

  I’d invited him over to get him out of my system, but all I’d done was let him in. Despite what he’d done, despite what he told me (and the things that he was still keeping from me), I wanted him in my life. Needed him to need me.

  We needed each other. Two souls floating around in the world that had grabbed on to each other for comfort.

  “How did I find you?” he finally said, pushing my hair back and putting one hand under my chin.

  “Well, you didn’t actually. Rory did.” That elicited a flicker of a smile and earned me another kiss.

  “Soooo, what now?” I said a while later as we lounged on my bed. Fin was sweating and I could tell he was overheated.

  “I don’t know. I’ve never really done this part.” I gave him a look, confused.

  “What part?” Clearly, he’d done the sex part. Mmm, the sex part.

  “This. I’ve never stayed with a girl after I fucked her. I’ve never dated a girl I was also fucking.”

  I sat up, holding my hand up for him to stop for a second. “You mean you’ve never had sex with a girl you dated?
”

  His eyes were clear and honest. “No. I always got what I needed elsewhere.” As if that was a normal thing. How could he be so flippant about it? That wasn’t anything I’d ever heard of before. Then again, I’d never dated a guy who’d been so open about sex.

  “You’ve never had sex with a girl you dated.” I needed to say it a few times before I believed it. What kind of woman would go for that?

  “No.” He didn’t elaborate, but I definitely wanted him to. I scooted closer to him in the bed and he shifted as well.

  “So what did you tell the girls you dated when they wanted to have sex with you?” I couldn’t wait to hear this.

  It took him a moment before he answered, and I could tell he was hesitant. “I usually broke up with them, or they broke up with me before that happened.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “You must not have gone out with them for very long then.”

  “Correct.”

  “So why bother dating at all?”

  Another smile appeared on his lips, but it wasn’t a smile of happiness. “My mother wants me to find someone. My father likes to use me to entice new clients. It’s one of the reason he sends me all over the place, and why I’m so tired of it. My life feels like it isn’t my own, which is why I crave control so much.”

  “That sucks that your parents force you to do something that you don’t want to. I might have some experience with that.”

  It was Fin’s turn for an eyebrow raise. “Oh, really?” he said.

  “Really. Why do you think I live in such a crappy apartment?”

  He shrugged. “I just assumed that maybe you were in debt from your education.”

  “Okay, that’s true, but if I asked, there’s a trust fund ready and willing to pay for all of it and anything else I could possibly want. How do you think Rory and I became friends? Our parents moved in the same social circles and introduced us when we were both in college.”

  I couldn’t believe I was telling him this. Normally this was information I’d never told people I’d known for years, let alone someone I had just met. But I was breaking all kinds of rules with Fin. I should just throw out all the rules. He was rule-less.

  “Intriguing. Very intriguing.” Fin studied me as if I was a specimen in a zoo. I didn’t think I was all that interesting.

  “I wanted to do it on my own. And my parents had lots of stipulations and other strings attached to that money.” Fin nodded and I knew he understood. We might be completely different people, but not with this. We had this in common. Members of the same club.

  “Money is a harsh mistress. We’re all slaves to it in one way or another,” he said. “But not you.”

  I rolled my eyes. I was definitely a slave to money. I was exhausted just thinking about it. “Whatever. I don’t want to talk about money. It’s my least favorite topic, right after yeast infections and the DMV.”

  Finally, I got Fin to laugh. My life was complete.

  “Then what do you want to talk about?” he said. If I was honest, I didn’t want to do much talking at all.

  “You. You’re a bit of an enigma, you know. I feel like I don’t know anything about you, really,” I said, sneaking closer to him and hesitantly touched his shoulder.

  He didn’t move away.

  “You’re not alone. There are very few people in this world that can say they know me. I’m almost sorry that Rory decided to put us together. We might have known each other when we were kids, but I’ve changed since then.” Yeah, I knew. I’d seen photographic evidence. He was almost unrecognizable from the spindly, gawky youth that had been shoved into the group pictures with his parents at what I liked to call “rich people functions.” I’d been dragged to plenty of them in my youth, and I still had memories of being shoved into uncomfortable dresses and itchy tights. Not to mention the awful music and boring small talk. I was more than happy to be free of that shit.

  “People change, Fin.”

  “Hmm,” was his response.

  I glanced at the clock and realized two things: it was really fucking late and I hadn’t eaten anything in hours.

  The energy in the room shifted and I could feel Fin pulling away from me again. “I should probably go.”

  “Yeah, sure. I bet you have much better air conditioning wherever it is you’re staying.” He nodded. “So where does that leave us?” And why did I have to be the one to say it?

  “It leaves us . . . I don’t know, Marisol. This is completely new territory for me. But I definitely want to see you again.”

  “And hopefully have sex with me again, right?” I certainly wanted that to be part of the deal.

  “You would want that?” He got up but reached down to stroke my face. It was such a sweet gesture that it almost took my breath away.

  “I think I can handle some kinky fuckery in my life. Couldn’t everyone?” His eyes went dark for a second and I thought he was going to pounce on me.

  But then he didn’t and he chuckled instead. “I don’t know if you’re ready for my kind of kinky fuckery. But I could teach you, Mari. If you let me.”

  I could only nod as he walked out of my bedroom and shut the door quietly behind him.

  “So he . . . and you . . . and . . .”

  “Yeah.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “I KNOW.”

  Chloe and I were having brunch the next morning and I was filling her in on what had happened with Fin. Surprisingly, she hadn’t told me I’d made a bad decision. She was actually supportive, which made me a little suspicious. She also said nothing about the girl from the night before, and I didn’t say anything about her either. I hadn’t asked Fin about her, and I wasn’t really planning to. As far as I was concerned, she was his cousin from out of town.

  “My vagina is totally jealous right now. No one’s gone down on me in ages.” She sighed and licked the spoon she’d been using to stir her latte.

  “Yeah, well, he has one of those pesky penises, so I doubt you would have been up for it.”

  Chloe gave me a look. “At this point, I’d just close my eyes and pretend he was a hot girl with a strap on.” I’d never heard Chlo be so desperate. We needed to find her someone. Fast.

  “I’ve always said that I could put out some feelers and try and find someone at school.”

  Chloe giggled. “Feelers. So what are you going to do, hit on some girls to figure out which one plays for my team?”

  Now it was time for me to give her a look. “Um, do you not remember a few years ago when you used me to do just that? Or have you forgotten?”

  “Oh, right. I did do that. Never mind. Hey, if you’re willing to put yourself out there for me, I’m okay with that. As long as it gets me laid.”

  The waiter arrived to ask us how everything was just at the moment Chloe said the last sentence. His eyes bulged for a second and he stared at Chloe.

  “Oh, put it in your pants, I’m only interested in pussy,” she said, waving him off.

  “Everything is great. Thank you,” I said, kicking her under the table and giving him an apologetic smile. I was definitely going to tip him well. Finally the poor guy (who looked like he couldn’t have been out of high school) mumbled something and raced back to the kitchen.

  “You’re so mean,” I said to Chloe, but she just picked up her latte and drained the rest of it.

  “It’s good for him. Builds character.”

  All I could do was shake my head. “Hey, have you heard from Ror?” I felt like I hadn’t talked to her in ages. Sloane, either, but at least I knew that Sloane was busy with work. When she got into design mode, she kind of terrified me.

  “No, she’s been MIA. I would be worried, but I think I have a feeling I know what her distraction is.” She raised her eyebrows suggestively.

  “Oh, really? And how do you know that? I’m pretty sure she said that she wasn’t supposed to be hanging out with him like that. What if they get caught?” It was so uncharacteristic of Rory to take a risk like that just for
sex. Either she had lost her mind or this guy was worth taking a risk for. I could understand that.

  “I have my sources.”

  “Are these sources named Sloane Harris?” It wasn’t that hard to figure out. Sloane was terrible at keeping secrets.

  “Okay, she may have texted me during one of her caffeine binges. But don’t say anything to Rory. We’re supposed to not know or mention it. Ever.”

  I finished the last of my toast and sipped my orange juice. I could completely understand Rory wanting to keep her relationship secret, but it stung a little bit that she didn’t feel like she could trust us. Or maybe she was so confused and twisted up that she didn’t know what she was even doing.

  I could definitely understand that.

  Chloe shook her head. “I don’t know about these men, Mari. You two seem drawn to the bad boys.”

  “I’ve never been drawn to bad boys.” All you had to do was look at my dating history to see that wasn’t true.

  Chloe snorted and leaned back in her chair. “You’re so full of shit. Just because you didn’t date them, doesn’t mean you didn’t want them. I know how you get when you’re attracted to someone, and I’ve watched you check guys out. You always go for the ones who look like trouble. Always.”

  My mouth nearly dropped open. Was it possible I was unaware of who I was attracted to?

  “Don’t look at me like that. Deep down, you know that you’ve always been drawn to those guys, but you were so determined and they weren’t in your plan, or they violated your rules and you dismissed them before you could even form an attraction. But here comes Fin, in all his glory, and finally you let yourself be attracted to him.” She folded her napkin and threw it on the table, as if she was very pleased with herself.

  “You’re crazy,” I said. That couldn’t be right.

  “Crazy like a fox. I have no idea what that means, but I think it’s a compliment. You’re free to prove my theory wrong at any point.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but then I closed it because I couldn’t. If I thought back to the guys that really made me stop and take a second glance, the guys who made me ache deep down to be with them, then I couldn’t argue with her.