Just like everything else in my life right now.
I can’t focus on anything. The saddest part is that the last five months have been like this. My mood is starting to feel less like a spell and more like my new standard of living.
I didn’t mean to push Kade away. All I needed was a break. Taking off to my parents for the week was what I needed to reevaluate my relationship with the guys. I didn’t actually want to end things for good with them. I just wanted to figure out a way to make things more comfortable.
But then Kade had to show up at my house. And maybe I overreacted a bit, but I was scared. He was upset. I was upset.
It wasn’t a recipe for a happy ever after.
I draw a circle with my pen and keep it going. The curve spirals out and makes a tornado shape. It looks like the fortune telling game my friends and I played in junior high. Mash is supposed to tell you where you’re going to live as an adult, what job you’ll have, what kind of car you’ll drive, and (most importantly) who you’ll marry.
I wish life really was that simple. My friends and I never predicted the kind of issues I’ve ended up actually facing.
Professor Kallogris sits on the edge of the stage and starts talking again. I rub my tired eyes and work on paying attention.
“And tomorrow we’ll critique the rest of the plays.” His eyes rove across the class. My play is up tomorrow. I’ve been rehearsing with my actors the last couple weeks, but it’s nowhere near perfect. It’s hard to be good at directing if I feel like I’m failing at being good at life.
I slam my notebook shut and trudge into the hall. My head pounds from a sleepless night.
Was I an idiot to go onto the field last night and talk to the guys? Connor seemed receptive but Kade acted like he hates my guts.
Though they’ve both shut me out, I’ve suspected all along that it was Kade’s decision. Connor and I have always been cool.
My heart squeezes tight. This hurts way more than I could have predicted. As the weeks have dragged by, the pain has only gotten worse. I thought time between us would make things better, but clearly, nothing's changed.
I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live this way.
I push through the theater’s double doors. The icy wind blasts my face. Pulling my scarf up over my nose, I bend my head against the wind and head for my car.
I turn the engine on and wait for the car to heat up. Dots of snow start to float down. They softly land against my windshield and stick. It’s the first snowfall in two weeks.
The last time I felt Connor and Kade's touches it was blazing hot outside.
How has that much time gone by?
No more thinking. I need to do.
Whipping my phone from my coat pocket, I dial Connor’s number. He may not answer, but I need to try.
“Hi.” His slow greeting pierces the line.
I take in a breath too quickly and choke on it. I mostly expected him to ignore my call.
“Hi, Connor."
“Hey, Tracey-Ann."
My throat constricts and my eyes burn. Hearing him say my name makes me want to cry.
“What’s up?” he asks. The warmth is gone from his voice. He’s all business.
“Can we talk? In person?”
Muffled talking comes from his side of the line. “Hold on a second.”
His footsteps thud and a door closes. “It’s not a good idea.”
My stomach falls into my shoes. “Look, things have… They didn’t end well. I want to explain myself. I feel like you’ve never gotten to hear my side of the story.”
I’m not going to explicitly say it, but it’s unfair that Connor only got Kade’s explanation.
“Damn, Tracey-Ann… Kade’s doing… well.”
“What about you?”
He doesn’t answer. I wait.
Connor clears his throat. “Can you meet now?”
“Yes,” I eagerly say. “Name the place.”
“Tony’s.”
“I can be there in ten.”
“See you there.”
We hang up. My car is warmed up and my heart is full of hope. I back out of the parking spot and head for the bar. I’ve never been to it with Kade or Connor, but it’s halfway between my dorm and their frat house.
I want them back. It’s been over a year since I’ve thought of any men but them. I also know us getting back together might not happen.
If that’s the case, I’ll make peace with the outcome. The important thing is that Connor hears my side of the story. I want him to see me for who I really am, and to understand I never wanted to push him and Kade away.
The snowfall lessens while I drive. I pull into the parking lot down the block from the bar and step out into freezing rain. It pangs off the hoods of the cars and sends a chill through me. What's coming down from the sky is more like fire than water.
I shove my hands into my coat pockets and rush down the sidewalk. With night coming the temperature is dropping fast.
The warmth and light of Tony's pull me in. Unwinding my scarf, I look around the bar.
My eyes lock with Connor’s and he stands. He’s at a small wooden table halfway across the bar. Seeing him last night makes no difference. I still feel like it’s been months since I set eyes on him. My heart pounds and I take shaky steps in his direction.
He keeps his blue eyes on me while I walk towards him. My chest swells with mixed emotions. I’m overjoyed to see him. I’m terrified to see him. I’m confused. Excited. I want to turn tail and run out the door.
“Hey," he rasps. One corner of his mouth turns up. It's that familiar smile I love. God, I missed it. There's a small part inside of me that feels Connor's smile was made just for me, just like Kade's hands were. Some people spend their lives looking for their other half, but I stumbled across my missing two-thirds. Is that crazy?
And how long have I been thinking this for? Was it not until losing the guys that I woke up and saw what I had all along?
“Hi.” Did I say that already? I can’t keep track of what I’m doing or thinking. Seeing Connor and Kade on the football field yesterday unraveled something in me.
Connor breaks the moment and sits back down. I settle across from him, my hands still in my pockets.
Connor ducks his head and watches me from under his eyebrows. There’s something boyish about him. Maybe he’s feeling just as weird about this meeting as I am.
“I’m going to get a drink,” he says. “You want one?”
“Sure. Thanks.”
He leaves me staring at the center of the table. I want to come up with a smooth game plan, but my head feels like it’s full of pudding. I’m all emotions and no thoughts.
Connor arrives and sets two beer mugs on the table. I study mine but don’t pick it up. I’m still frozen from the weather outside and not ready to touch something cold.
Connor wraps his fingers around his own glass and stares at it. It’s like we’re each on a date with our beers.
I have to say something. He’s going to think I’m crazy for coming here and sitting in silence.
“Thanks for coming.”
He nods. “Yeah.”
“How is everything?”
“Good. Football is good. Classes are okay.” He rubs his arm. His jacket is off. His muscles pop out from underneath his short sleeves. I gulp. Seeing Connor’s body up close is almost like having it again. The feeling of his skin is burnt into my palms.
“How about you?” he asks.
I rip my gaze from his arm and look at his face. “It’s fine.”
It’s actually been pretty lame, just like everything else in my life. It’s hard to concentrate in class. Going out is no longer fun. I’m stuck in my own head, every day just a repeat of the last one. My work these last two semesters hasn’t been up to par. Nothing’s gone right.
The way Connor looks at me, I can tell he knows I’m lying. His eyebrows push together and his eyes study mine.
I chomp down on my bottom lip.
It quivers between my teeth. Maybe if I hold onto it tight enough I can keep myself from breaking down.
It’s no use. “School sucks,” I say.
My eyeballs burn. I blink and sniff. No crying. I have few rules for myself, but one of them is that I don’t cry in public places. No matter what the situation.
“Sorry.”
I shrug. “It is what it is.” I pull my hands out of my pockets and set them in my lap. They twitch around there, my fingers fiddling together. “I feel like things ended too fast between us. I never got to talk to you.”
Connor shifts in his seat. He rubs the back of his neck and looks over my head. “I know. I figure it’s been for the best.”
“How? How can you cutting me out possibly be for the best?”
My voice is louder than I mean for it to be. I lean back against the booth and compose myself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to get emotional.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” He presses his forearms onto the table and leans into him. His head falls towards his hands. He almost looks like he’s praying.
“I’ve missed you.”
His statement is blue electricity. It’s the hottest of the hot. It shoots through my heart and limbs and breaks me back to life.
“You have?” I ask. I want to hear him say the words again.
His shoulders stay slumped but he looks up at me. “Yeah. I’ve been off the grid because I figure it’s what’s been best for Kade. He went through a lot with you.”
I run my fingers down my cheeks and shake my head in frustration. “I don’t get it, Connor. What did I put him through? All I wanted was a week to myself. I didn’t think it would push you guys away.”
“It wouldn’t push most people away. Kade is different. He’s been through some pretty heavy things.”
“You mean because of his parents?”
He gives a single nod. "Remember he told you about his parents over Christmas break the other year? That's the most he's ever talked about them."
“Okay.” I remember, but don’t follow the point of his walk down memory lane.
“He opened up to you.” Connor pointedly looks at me. “He trusted you. I never thought I would see him like that with anyone, especially not a woman.”
“Especially not a woman?” Is Kade a closeted misogynist or something?
“Girls are fun. Sex is one thing, but we’re not in the habit of getting close…you know what I mean. We’ve never wanted to.”
I try to keep my face expressionless. I don’t want Connor to see how much his last sentence stings.
“But we got close to you, and it drove Kade kind of crazy. I think he didn’t know how to handle it.”
“And he became possessive.”
“Um, yes. You can put it that way.”
I raise an eyebrow. “It is that way.”
He concedes by inclining his head.
“But why did I have to lose you too?” I ask.
Connor looks at me sadly. “Where Kade goes, I go. We’re best friends…you know that, but it’s more. I’m like his only family. He needs me.”
“You’re a good friend.” Without thinking about it, I reach across the table and take his hand. I start to pull it back, but Connor’s fingers tighten around it. His other hand settles over top of mine. He’s got me trapped. Contained. Secured.
Warmth bubbles up my arm and explodes in my belly. It’s been months since I’ve touched a man in this way. There’s been no one since Connor and Kade.
“He’s almost there,” Connor says. “The combine is coming up. If Kade and I keep working hard, we’ll make it to the NFL.”
“That would be amazing.”
“It’s all we’ve got. We don’t have anything else going for us in life.”
“You had me.”
I lightly bite my tongue, afraid I’ve said too much yet again.
Connor’s eyes glimmer. “Yeah. We did.” He runs his free hand over his mouth. “Damn… I didn’t expect it to be, you know...”
“More than just fun.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I didn’t either.”
His hands are still on mine. I take my other hand and run it over the top of his. Connor smiles at me.
I want nothing more in the world right now than to lean across the table and kiss him.
And to follow it up with a kiss for Kade.
My chest lurches. If I made a move on Connor right now would he accept it? And would it mean anything? Would we actually get back together or would it kill any chances of building a friendship?
And there’s Kade. I don’t know if I can spend time with Connor and not have Kade there. It doesn’t sit right.
Connor’s eyes lock on mine. I’m still confused.
“I’ll be right back.” I pull my hands from Connor’s and stand up. My calves shake as I find my way to the bathroom.
I lock the door and turn around to press my back against it. Desire flows under my skin and my stomach twists. I need to be careful. One wrong move and I’ll scare Connor away. Having him as a friend is better than not having him in my life at all.
I turn on the faucet and soap my palms up. I stare at my reflection while I wash my hands.
Once I figure out my next move I’ll leave the bathroom and join Connor.
It just might be a while.
23
Connor
I glance over my shoulder to see Tracey-Ann disappear into the hall leading to the bathrooms. I exhale long and low.
It took every bit of power I have in me to stop myself from pulling her across the table and into my lap. Seeing her at the game yesterday blew my mind. I knew I missed her, but I had no clue just how much.
Kade must be of the same mind. He never talks about Tracey-Ann, but he hasn’t erased all memories of her. She’s probably in his head as much as she is in mine.
Seeing her in front of me… hearing her voice… It did something to me yesterday. Her calling and asking to meet made me excited, but I had to turn her down. I knew seeing her would make things more complicated.
But she broke me.
And now here I am, knowing one thing for sure: I need to get her back.
It's not just me. She needs to be back with Kade as well. His focus suffered from things being bad between the two of them last summer, but things being good meant he performed great on the field. He does well now, yes, but he's changed. He's more withdrawn than ever.
He needs Tracey-Ann. She makes him a better person.
I quickly call Kade’s number.
“Sup?” he answers.
“I’m at Tony’s. Come by for a drink.”
“No.”
I roll my eyes. “I’d get down on my knees and beg but since you won’t be able to see it I’m afraid it won’t have the same effect.”
“You’re in a good mood,” he says like it’s a bad thing.
“Why shouldn’t I be? We’re two steps away from the NFL.”
“Okay, I’m coming. One drink.”
“Plus shots.”
“One drink. I’m around the corner at the drugstore.”
“Getting some waxing strips?”
He hangs up on me. I slip my phone back in my pocket and wait. I count the minutes on the digital clock above the bar. One. Two. I take a sip of my beer.
The bar's door opens and Kade stomps in. I glance over my shoulder. Tracey-Ann is still somewhere in the back of the bar. Hopefully, she hasn't changed her mind about me and made an escape out the back door.
Kade slides into the seat Tracey-Ann sat in minutes ago. He picks up Tracey-Ann’s untouched beer and takes a drink.
His nose wrinkles. “I hate amber ales.”
“I know.”
He rubs his forehead. “I’m tired as fuck.”
“Same here. I think I’m going to have to call in dead to tomorrow’s practice. Hey, it’s time we talked about something.”
“This better not be about who I think it’s going to be about.�
��
“There’s only one girl worth talking about.”
Kade clasps his hands and looks at me in disgust. “You’re going to fall for her game again? Just because she shows up and shakes her ass in our faces? She’s a good lay, Connor, but her pussy doesn’t taste like the nectar of the gods. She’s the same as any other woman, just more work.”
There are a lot of things about Tracey-Ann I could defend, but I’m running out of time. She’ll be back at the table any second.
“She cares about you.”
He shrugs. “You hungry? I’m getting a burger.” He looks around for a waitress.
“I talked to her.”
His gaze swivels back to mine. “I bet you did. Do you need reminding of what happened? She pushed us away, Connor. Give her some attention and she’ll wrap us around her finger then just leave again.”
“Kade.”
We both look up at Tracey-Ann’s voice. She stands inches away from the table, her eyes glued to Kade’s face. He slowly sits up straight and eyes her.
“I didn’t know you were coming,” she says.
Kade looks back at me. I look at Tracey-Ann. She purses her lips and looks from Kade to me. Everyone waits for someone else to speak.
Kade’s words drip with venom. “Like Hell you didn’t know. You were in the back hiding.”
“No, I wasn't. I was in the bathroom."
Kade turns the spitfire on me. “You’re fucking with me.”
A woman passing by looks at Kade with wide eyes. The bartender pauses with a hand on an empty beer mug, peering at us.
“Calm down, Kade,” I say in a low voice. “It’s a public place.”
“You’re messing with me,” he repeats. “I hate shit like this.”
I want to shake him until some sense gets into that thick head of his. “Only because I had to. Would you really have come here if I told you Tracey-Ann was here?”
He clutches the edge of the table and leans over it. “No, and for good reasons.”
Tracey-Ann’s chin quivers. I reach my hand over and take hold of hers. Her fingers squeeze mine. Kade eyes our touch. His jaw twitches.
I pull Tracey-Ann closer towards me. “She wasn’t trying to push us away, Kade.”
Two Jocks Next Door: A Bad Boy MFM Romance Page 12
