Sweet M.Y.T.H.-TERY of Life
Robert Asprin
Content
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter One
“Is it just me, or does it seem to you I get more than my share of troubles?”
Job
“... AND SO, TO recap, the situation is this ...”
I ticked the points off on my fingers, giving my audience a visual image to reinforce my words.
“First, Queen Hemlock wants me to be her consort. Second, she’s given me a month to think it over before I reach my decision. Third ...”
I tapped the appropriate finger for emphasis.
“If I decide not to marry her, she says she’ll abdicate, naming me her successor and sticking me with the whole mess. Got that?”
Despite my concern over my predicament, I was nonetheless proud of my ability to address the problem head on, summarizing and analyzing it as I sought a solution. There was a time in the not too distant past when I simply would have lapsed into blind panic. If nothing else, my adventures over the years had done wonders for my confidence in my abilities to handle nearly any crisis.
“Gleep!” my audience responded.
Okay ... so I wasn’t all that confident.
While I knew I could muddle through most crises, the one situation I dreaded the most was making a fool of myself in front of my friends and colleagues. While they had always been unswerving in their loyalty and willingness to bail me out of whatever mess I blundered into, that didn’t mean I was particularly eager to tax our friendships yet another time, even if it was just for advice. At the very least, I figured that when I did approach them, I should be as level-headed and mature about it as possible, rather than babbling hysterically about my woes. Consequently, I decided to rehearse my appeal in front of the one member of our crew I felt truly comfortable with . . . my pet dragon.
I’ve always maintained that Gleep is quite bright, despite the one-word vocabulary that gave him his name. According to my partner and mentor, Aahz, my pet’s limited vocal range was merely a sign of his immaturity, and it would expand as he edged toward adulthood. Of course, realizing dragons live several centuries, the odds of my ever having a two-way conversation with Gleep were slim. At times like this, however, I actually appreciated having someone to talk to who could only listen . . . without helpful asides regarding my inability to walk across the street without landing myself and the crew in some kind of trouble.
“The trouble is,” I continued, “what with all the problems and disasters I’ve had to cope with over the years, not to mention trying to be president of M.Y.T.H. Inc., I haven’t had much time for a love life, like, none at all ... and I sure haven’t given any thought to getting married! I mean, I haven’t ever really reached a decision on whether or not I want to get married at all, much less when or to who.”
Gleep cocked his head to one side, to all appearances hanging on my every word.
“Of course, I do know I’m not wild about the alternative. I had a chance to play king once . . . and that was twice too often, thank you. It was bad enough when I was just being a stand-in for Roderick, but the idea of trying to run the kingdom by myself, as myself, and forever, not just for a few days, well, that’s flat out terrifying. The question is, is it more or less terrifying than the idea of being married to Queen Hemlock?”
My pet responded to my dilemma by vigorously chewing at an itch on his foot.
“Thanks a lot, Gleep old boy,” I said, smiling wryly despite my ill humor. While I obviously hadn’t really expected any glowing words of advice from my dragon, I had at least thought my problems were serious enough to hold his attention. “I might as well be talking to Aahz. At least he looks at me while he’s chewing me out.”
Still smiling, I picked up the goblet of wine I had brought with me for moral support and started to take a sip.
“Oh, Aahz isn’t so bad.”
For a startled moment, I thought Gleep had answered me. Then I realized the voice had come from behind me, not from my pet. A quick glance over my shoulder confirmed my worst fears. My partner, green scales, pointed teeth and all, was leaning against the wall not ten feet from where I stood, and had apparently been listening to my whole oration.
“Hi, Aahz,” I said, covering my embarrassment with a forced smile. “I didn’t hear you come in. Sorry about that last comment, but I’ve been a little ...”
“Don’t worry about it, Skeeve,” he interrupted with a wave of dismissal. “If that’s the worst you’ve had to say about me over the years, I figure we’ve been doing pretty well. I do lean on you kinda hard from time to time. I guess that’s gotten to be my way of dealing with stress.”
Aahz seemed calm enough ... in fact, he seemed to be suspiciously calm. While I wasn’t wild about his shouting at me, at least it was consistent. This new display of reasonability was making me uneasy . . . rather like suddenly noticing the sun just rose in the west.
“So . . . what are you doing here, partner?” I said, trying to sound casual.
“I was looking for you. It occurred to me that you might need a sympathetic ear while you figured out what to do next.”
Again, a small warning gong went off in the back of my mind. Of all the phrases that might occur to me to describe Aahz’s interaction with me in the past, “a sympathetic ear” wasn’t one of them.
“How did you know where I was?”
I was dodging the issue, but genuinely curious as to how Aahz found me. I had taken great pains to slip down to the Royal Stables unnoticed.
“It wasn’t hard,” Aahz said, flashing a grin as he jerked his thumb at the door. “You’ve got quite a crowd hanging around outside.”
“I do?”
“Sure. Pookie may be a bit mouthy for my taste, but she knows her stuff as a bodyguard. I think she’s been tailing you from the time you left your room.”
Pookie was the new bodyguard I had acquired during my recent trip to Perv . . . before I knew she was Aahz’s cousin.
“That’s funny,” I scowled. “I never saw her.”
“Hey, I said she was good,” my partner winked. “Just because she respects your privacy and stays out of sight doesn’t mean she’s going to let you wander around unescorted. Anyway, I guess Guido spotted her and decided to tag along . . . he’s been following her around like a puppy ever since they met . . . and, of course, that meant Nunzio had to come, too, and . . . Well, the end result is you’ve got all three of your bodyguards posted outside the door to see to it that you aren’t disturbed.”
Terrific. I start out looking for a little privacy and end up leading a parade.
“So, what do you think, Aahz?” I asked.
I knew I was going to get his opinion sooner or later, and figured I might as well ask outright and get it over with.
“About what?”
“About my problem,” I clarified.
“What problem?”
“Sorry. I thought you had been listening when I explained it to Gleep. I’m talking about the whole situation with Queen Hemlock.”
“I know,” my partner said. “And I repeat, what problem?”
“What problem!�
�� I was starting to lose it a little, which is not an unusual result of talking to Aahz. “Don’t you think . . .”
“Hold on a second, partner,” Aahz said, holding up his hand. “Do you remember the situation when we first met?”
“Sure.”
“Let me refresh you memory, anyway. Your old mentor, Garkin, had just been killed, and there was every chance you were next on the hit list. Right?”
“Right. But . . .”
“Now that was a problem,” He continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Just like it was a problem when you had to stop Big Julie’s army with a handful of misfits . . . realizing that, if you were successful, Grimble was threatening to have you killed or worse when you returned to the palace.”
“I remember.”
“And when you decided to try to clear me of that murder rap over on Limbo, a dimension which just happens to be filled with vampires and werewolves, I’d say that was a problem, too.”
“I don’t see what . . .”
“Now, in direct contrast, let’s examine the current situation. As I understand it, you’re in danger of getting married to the Queen, which, I believe, includes having free run of the kingdom’s treasury. The other option is that you decide not to marry her, whereupon she abdicates to you . . . leaving you again with a free hand on the treasury, only without the Queen.” He showed me his impressive array of teeth. “I repeat, what problem?”
Not for the first time, it occurred to me that my partner had a tendency to appraise the pluses and minuses of any situation by the simple technique of reducing everything to monetary terms and scrutinizing the bottom line.
“The problem is,” I said tersely, “that in order to get that access to the treasury, I have to get married or become king. Frankly, I’m not sure I’m wild about either option.”
“Compared to what you’ve been through in the past to scrape together a few coins, it’s not bad,” Aahz shrugged. “Face it, Skeeve. Making a bundle usually involves something unpleasant. Nobody . . . and I mean nobody ... is going to fork over hard cash for your having a good time.”
Of course, those “few coins” we had scraped together over the past years added up to enough to make even a Pervish banker sit up and take notice, but I knew the futility of trying to convince Aahz that there was ever such a thing as enough money.
“Maybe I could just write about having dubious adventures instead of actually doing anything,” I muttered. “That always sounded to me like a pretty cushy job to cash in on the good life.”
“You think so? Well, let me educate you to the harsh realities of the universe, partner. It’s one thing to practice a skill or a hobby when you feel like it, but whether it’s writing, singing, or playing baseball, when you’ve got to do something whether you’re up for it or not, it’s work!”
I could see this conversation was going nowhere. Aahz simply wasn’t going to see my point of view, so I decided to play dirty. I switched to his point of view.
“Maybe I’d be more enthusiastic,” I said, carefully, “if the kingdom’s finances weren’t at rock bottom. Doing something unpleasant to acquire a stack of debts doesn’t strike me as all that great a deal.”
Okay. It was hitting below the belt. But that just happens to be where Pervects such as Aahz are the most sensitive . . . which is to say where they keep their wallets.
“You’ve got a point there,” my partner said thoughtfully, wavering for the first time in the conversation. “Still, you managed to finagle a whole month before you have to make a decision. I figure in that time we should be able to get a pretty good fix on what the real financial situation around here is ... end if it can be turned around.”
“There’s just one problem with that,” I pointed out. “I know even less about money than I know about magik.”
“Just off hand, I’d say you were doing pretty well in both departments.”
I caught the edge in my partner’s voice, and realized that he was on the brink of taking my comment personally . . which is not surprising as he was the one who taught me nearly everything I know about magik and money.
“Oh, I’m okay when it conies to personal finances and contract negotiations . . . more than okay, in fact . . . and I have you to thank for that.” I said hastily. “What we’re looking at now, though, is high finance ... as in trying to manage the funds for a whole kingdom! I don’t think that was covered in my lessons, or if it was, it went over my head.”
“Okay. That’s a valid concern,” Aahz conceded. “Still, it’s probably the same thing you’ve been doing for M.Y.T.H. Inc., but on a larger scale.”
“That’s fine, except Bunny’s been doing most of the heavy financial work for M.Y.T.H. Inc.,” I grimaced. “I only wish she were here now.”
“She is,” Aahz exclaimed, clicking his fingers. “That’s the other reason I was looking for you.”
“Really? Where is she?”
“Waiting in your room. I wasn’t sure what kind of sleeping arrangements you wanted set up.”
One of the changes from my previous stay at the palace was that instead of sharing a room with Aahz, I had a room of my own. It’s a tribute to how worried I was, however, that the implications of what he said went right over my head.
“Same as always,” I said. “See if we can find a room for her that’s at least in the same wing of the palace as ours, though.”
“If you say so,” Aahz shrugged. “Anyway, we’d better get going. She seemed real anxious to see you.”
I only listened to this last with half an ear, as something else had momentarily caught my attention.
I had turned away from Aahz to give Gleep one last pat before we left, and for the barest fraction of a second saw something I had never noticed before. He was listening to us!
Now, as I noted earlier, I’ve always maintained that Gleep was bright, but as I turned, I had a fleeting impression of intelligence in his expression. To clarify, there is a difference between “bright” and “intelligent.”
“Bright,” as I’d always applied it to my pet, means that he is alert and quick to learn. “Intelligent,” on the other hand, goes beyond “monkey see, monkey do” tricks, all the way to “independent thought.”
Gleep’s expression as I turned was one of thoughtful concentration, if not calculation. Then he saw me looking at him and the look disappeared, to be replaced with his more familiar expression of eager friendliness.
For some reason, this gave me a turn. Perhaps it was because I found myself remembering reports from the team about their efforts to disrupt the kingdom in my absence. Specifically, I was recalling the claim that Gleep had nearly killed Tananda . . . something I had dismissed at the time as being an accident that was being blown out of proportion in their effort to impress me with the difficulties of their assignment. Now, however, as I stared at my pet, I began to wonder if I should have paid closer attention to what they were saying. Then again, maybe it had just been the light playing tricks on me. Gleep certainly looked innocent enough now.
“Com’on, partner,” Aahz repeated testily. “You can play with your dragon some other time. I still think we should try to sell that stupid beast off before he eats his way through our bankroll. He really doesn’t add anything to our operation . . . except food bills.”
Because I was already watching, I caught it this time. For the briefest moment Gleep’s eyes narrowed as he glanced at Aahz, and an almost unnoticeable trickle of smoke escaped from one nostril. Then he went back to looking dopey and innocent.
“Gleep’s a friend of mine now, Aahz,” I said carefully, not taking my eyes off my pet. “Just like you and the rest of the crew are. I wouldn’t want to lose any of you.”
My dragon seemed to take no notice of my words, craning his neck to look around the stable. Now, however, it seemed to me his innocence was exaggerated . . . that he was deliberately avoiding looking me in the eye.
“If you say so,” Aahz shrugged, heading for the door. “In the meantime, let’
s go see Bunny before she explodes.”
I hesitated a moment longer, then followed him out of the stables.
Chapter Two
“It’s good to see you, too.”
H. Livingston, M.D.
AS AAHZ HAD predicted, my three bodyguards were waiting for me outside the stables. They seemed to be arguing about something, but broke off their discussion and started looking vigilant as soon as I appeared.
Now, you may think it would be kind of fun to have your own bodyguards. If so, you’ve never actually had one.
What it really means is that you give up any notion that your life is your own. Privacy becomes a vague memory you have to work at recalling, as “sharing” becomes the norm . . . starting with the food on your plate and ending with going to the John. (“Geez, Boss! You know how many guys got whacked because someone was hiding in the can? Just pretend we ain’t here.”) Then, too, there’s the constant, disquieting reminder that, however swell a fellow you may think you are, there are people out there waiting for a chance to bring your career to a premature conclusion. I had to keep telling myself that this latter point didn’t apply to me, that Don Bruce had insisted on assigning me Guido and Nunzio more as status symbols than anything else. I had hired Pookie on my own, though, after getting jumped during my recent trip to Perv, so I couldn’t entirely discount the fact that bodyguards were occasionally necessary and not just an inconvenient decoration.
“Got a minute, Skeeve?” Pookie said, stepping forward.
“Well, I was on my way to say hello to Bunny ...”
“Fine. We can talk as we walk.”
She fell in step beside me, and Aahz graciously fell back to walk with my other two bodyguards.
“What it is,” Pookie said, without preamble, “is I’m thinking of cashing in and heading back to Perv.”
“Really? Why.”
She gave a small shrug.
“I can’t see as how I’m really needed,” she said. “When I suggested I tag along, we thought you were coming back to a small war. The way I see it now, it seems like the crew you’ve already got can handle things.”
Sweet Myth-tery of Life Page 1
