I nodded proudly, thinking how cool it was to be a real pirate matey.
‘And who be this gawping barnacle-brain?’ asked the pirate, pointing the sword at the startled shopkeeper. In all the excitement I’d forgotten about Mr Crooke, who was staring at Old Crusty with wide eyes and an even wider mouth.
‘P-p-pirate!’ he burbled, and then dribbled down his chin.
‘He’s here to claim your booty,’ I said. ‘If you don’t mind?’
‘It be no good to me now,’ laughed I the pirate. ‘And as ye told me last night that ye have no use for it, then it may as well go to this big dribbling jellyfish.’
I tried not to laugh at the names he was calling Mr Crooke and waved goodbye as the whirlwind whipped up again and took Old Crusty and his faithful parrot out through the ceiling. I was sad to see them go, but glad they weren’t stuck inside the chest any more.
With the pirate gone, Mr Crooke quickly gathered himself together and barged past me to get to the treasure. He sank to his knees and stared greedily at the glistening gold.
‘Are you ready, Jake?’ Mum called from the shop.
‘Coming,’ I said, and waited a moment longer to watch Mr Crooke plunge his hands into the chest of coins – because that’s what people always do with a chest full of treasure.
SQUELCH!
Mr Crooke’s greedy grin quickly became a grim grimace as the gold foil flaked away between his fingers and his hands came out covered in chocolate! Three-hundred-year-old chocolate that had come all the way from the Americas!
‘Chocolate coins!’ growled the greedy shopkeeper.
‘Sticky fingers?’ I chuckled, and then legged it.
My granny is pretty cool – for a grown-up. She’s my mum’s mum, but unlike Mum she loves hearing all about my unbelievable adventures and never says my nose will grow long. Granny also makes a huge fuss of me, so when I heard she was coming to visit I was really looking forward to it.
‘Granny’s here!’ Mum yelled, as the doorbell rang.
I bolted downstairs and ran to the front door just as Mum opened it.
Usually it takes Granny a while to get through the front door because she starts making a fuss of me straight away, ruffling my hair and saying how tall I’ve grown. But this time she burst through the door, barged past me and plonked herself firmly in the armchair.
‘Hello, Granny!’ I said, bracing myself to be praised and ruffled.
‘Hello…’ Granny paused, eyed me up and down and added, ‘little boy.’
It was then that I knew something strange was going on because Granny always calls me Jakey.
Even when I complain and say I’m too grown up to be called Jakey, she still calls me Jakey.
Mum and Dad didn’t notice. Actually Dad had made himself scarce as he always does when Granny comes to visit, and Mum was too busy talking at a hundred miles an hour.
I sat on my beanbag and stared at the old woman, searching for clues.
Was she really my granny, or someone pretending to be her?
She did look and sound like Granny, so she could just have been tired from the journey or having an off day. But I was so sure that Granny wasn’t Granny I decided to test her.
‘Granny,’ I said, when Mum left the room to make a pot of tea, ‘do you remember the time I met a zombie at the zoo and he was stealing the meat from the lion enclosure?’
‘Yes, very amusing,’ said Granny. ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’
The laugh was definitely suspicious; it sounded like a robot Santa Claus!
‘And the lions chased after him and ate him,’ I added, narrowing my eyes.
‘Of course,’ said Granny. ‘Naughty lions!’
Aha! I thought. Because it wasn’t a zombie at all, it was a Viking, and the lions did chase him but he got away. We ended up having a barbecue behind the gorilla cage – but I’ll tell you about that another time. Anyway, Granny would have remembered because, of all my adventures, the Viking at the zoo was her favourite.
‘You’re NOT my granny!’ I said firmly.
‘Uh?’ said the granny impostor.
‘It was a Viking!’ I said. ‘And my granny would have known that!’
‘Oh yes! I remember now,’ said the old woman. ‘A Viking ate the zombie!’
‘No!’ I said, getting annoyed. ‘A Viking stole the meat and no one got eaten!’
‘Yes, of course,’ she said, looking a bit worried.
Mum entered the room with Granny’s tea and I leapt up from my beanbag.
‘THIS WOMAN IS AN IMPOSTOR!’
I yelled, jabbing a finger at the floral-clad fake.
Mum calmly passed the old woman her tea and rolled her eyes dramatically. ‘See what happens when you encourage him, Mum?’ she said, shaking her head sadly. ‘It’s one silly story after another. Only last night he said a flying saucer landed in the back garden!’
‘But there was a flying saucer!’ I pleaded. ‘It landed on the lawn and scuttled into the woods on three metal legs…’
The old woman’s teacup rattled nervously in her non-flying saucer and I realized the two things had to be connected.
Aliens dress up as humans all the time in movies – which completely makes sense because they wouldn’t get very far looking all thin and green with big black eyes.
‘It was her flying saucer!’ I gasped. ‘She’s an ALIEN GRANNY!’
The alien granny sipped from her teacup and peered innocently up at Mum. But Mum was too busy glaring at me, red-faced and snorting through her nostrils – and looking more like an alien than the alien.
‘GO TO YOUR ROOM IMMEDIATELY!’ she yelled.
In my room I searched the web for information on aliens. There was lots of stuff about UFO sightings and then I found a site that said aliens like to pluck cows out of fields, study them and then plonk them back again.
I can’t imagine why an alien would want to study a cow because cows are really boring, but it gave me an idea. If I could get the bogus granny to do something alien, like studying cattle, she’d be completely busted.
The nearest thing to a cow I had was my cat, Fatty. He’s very lazy, but he’s still probably more interesting than a cow, so I knew the alien wouldn’t be able to resist studying him.
Fatty was glaring at me from the laundry bin in the corner of my room, but not because he knew I planned to use him as bait. Fatty always glares because he’s a grumpy old cat who hates everyone.
I struggled downstairs, holding Fatty at arm’s length as he hissed and spat and swiped wildly with his claws.
But when we reached the living room he stopped struggling and frowned at the old woman.
‘I thought I told you to go to your room!’ Mum said crossly.
‘Er, I’ve thought about what I said and have come to apologize to Granny,’ I explained, and quickly shifted my face, into an expression that I hoped looked sorry. ‘And I’ve brought Fatty down because Granny loves cats.’
Granny does love cats, but she doesn’t love Fatty. When Fatty glares and hisses at my real granny, she glares and hisses back. Mum obviously forgot this because she looked very happy with my excuse.
‘I’m sorry I said you were an alien, Granny,’ I said, and plonked Fatty heavily in her lap.
‘That’s quite all right, dear,’ said the alien granny.
Then something strange happened. The old woman started stroking and fussing over Fatty, but instead of biting her fingers and ripping her arms to shreds, the mean old cat rolled on to his back and started purring!
Fatty never purrs, except when he’s eating or torturing mice or birds or bugs!
‘Now we have that silly alien business sorted out,’ Mum said cheerily, ‘I think we should all have a nice slice of chocolate cake!’
I sat on my beanbag as Mum gathered up the teacups, but she only got halfway across the room before the old woman reached inside her handbag, pulled out a silver ray gun and zapped her on the spot!
‘ARRRRRGH!’ I yelled, leaping behind the bean
bag for cover.
‘Oh, don’t get your knickers in a twist,’ laughed the alien, shoving Fatty off her lap with a disapproving grunt. ‘Your mother is perfectly fine. She’s just on pause.’
Fatty landed with a thud and stomped off in a sulk, slinking between the legs of my paused parent, while Mum looked like she was playing a game of musical statues on her own.
‘Why did you put her on pause?’ I asked, cautiously leaving my beanbag barricade to make sure Mum was OK. I stepped around her and waved my hand in front of her face. Mum did look fine – she just looked like a waxwork model of Mum.
‘I thought you and I should have a little chat,’ said the alien, brushing the cat hairs from her dress. ‘My planet sent me here to study families for our Earth Encyclopaedia, and I’d be in a lot of trouble if I got found out.’
‘I knew it!’ I said, sitting back down. ‘Where’s my real granny?’
‘Your grandmother is fine,’ said the alien. ‘She phoned your mother last night to say she couldn’t make it this weekend. But I intercepted the call while orbiting the planet in my flying saucer.’
‘How did you fool her?’ I said.
‘Granny would know it wasn’t Mum –’
‘GO TO YOUR ROOM IMMEDIATELY!’ yelled the alien, and then smiled proudly.
The voice that came out of her mouth sounded exactly like Mum, which was pretty impressive and also a bit scary.
‘I see,’ I said. ‘And how did you know; what my granny looks like?’
‘Oh, I’ve been watching your family through my telescope for a while,’ she explained, ‘waiting for an opportunity to come down and study you up close, to see what it’s like to be part of an Earth family.’
‘Aliens don’t study cows, then?’ I asked.
‘No,’ said the alien. ‘We used to, until we realized they’re really boring.’
‘Can I see your flying saucer?’ I asked. Because aside from lying to my granny, stealing her identity and zapping Mum with her ray gun, the alien seemed quite friendly.
‘It’s hidden very deep in the woods,’ she said. ‘There’s no time for a tour.’
‘Can’t you just use the teleport machine?’ I suggested. Because I’ve seen loads of sci-fi shows with spaceships, and people beam themselves all over the place and it takes no time at all.
‘What’s a teleport machine?’ asked the alien.
‘When you press a button and get beamed up,’ I said.
‘No, I don’t have one of those,’ said the alien, looking at the Mum statue and then at her watch. ‘Anyway, your mother is only on pause for a few minutes. She’ll be back to normal in a moment.’
‘Can’t you zap her with the ray gun again?’ I suggested, because Mum looked happy enough as a shop dummy and I really wanted to see the inside of a flying saucer.
‘Sorry, it can only be used for short periods. Humans get suspicious if they lose more than a few minutes of time,’ said the alien, slipping the ray gun back in her handbag. ‘And I was rather looking forward to sampling your earthling chocolate cake.’
I was about to make another plea for the flying saucer tour when Mum’s tray of cups rattled. Then she continued walking across the room as if nothing had happened and disappeared into the kitchen.
‘That was amazing!’ I gasped. ‘I wish I had a ray gun like that!’
The alien granny chuckled and then leaned forward in her chair.
‘So you’re not going to give me up to your mum?’ she whispered.
‘No, I guess not,’ I said, thinking that getting to meet a real alien was pretty cool. ‘I can imagine her reaction if I said you had a ray gun in your handbag because you’re making an Earth Encyclopaedia.’
The alien heaved a sigh of relief and sat back in the chair.
‘So what do you want to know about human families?’ I asked.
The alien asked some questions about my family and I thought my answers were as boring as cows, but she seemed really interested.
Then Mum returned with the cake and the alien scoffed three big slices in the time it took me to eat one.
When the cake was gone Mum started talking at a hundred miles an hour again, so I didn’t get a chance to ask the alien any questions about alien families or the planet she came from. I could also tell she was getting the rest of the info she needed from Mum, so I felt pretty left out.
I couldn’t sleep that night because Fatty was back on my laundry bin, snoring his head off – I think he was doing it deliberately because I’d used him as bait. So as I was wide awake anyway, I decided to sneak out and look for the flying saucer!
I jumped the fence at the bottom of the garden and shone my torch into the woods. There were a few snapped branches overhead and on the ground I saw V-shaped footprints from the scuttling saucer! I followed the footprints as they zigzagged through the trees until they came to an abrupt halt in a clearing.
I put my hands out in front of me, just in case the ship had an invisible button for camouflage, and walked forward. In the centre of the clearing I shone the torch all around the trees and bushes, but found nothing.
There was only one way the spaceship could have gone, and that was up!
I looked up and sure enough the flying saucer was hovering a metre over my head. Its lights were off, but it buzzed and wobbled above me like a giant lampshade. It was the coolest thing I’d ever seen!
I was trying to think of a way to get up there when I heard a strange noise coming from the woods. It sounded like a stalking animal – and I was the only prey around!
‘GRRR!’ it went.
I shone my torch into the rustling trees, but the creature was hidden.
‘GRRRRRR!’ it went again, closer this time.
Suddenly there was a rush of movement in a nearby bush and Fatty shot out, flying through the air like a cat-shaped rocket! ‘MEAAAW!’ he shrieked, shooting straight at the spaceship and landing with a mighty CLANG!
Fatty was clinging to the edge of the flying saucer with one front paw and swiping with the other. The spaceship looked pretty distressed, spinning and dipping to shake the attacker loose.
‘PUUUUUURRRRRR!’ rumbled Fatty.
It was only when Fatty started purring loudly that I realized what was happening. He thought the flying saucer was a giant bug! And there’s nothing that cat likes more than torturing bugs!
‘Stop it!’ I yelled. ‘Bad moggie!’
I tried to reach up and grab him, but the flying saucer was lurching around and kicking its metal legs wildly. Suddenly Fatty took a big swipe at the saucer and it crashed to the ground!
Fatty tapped the fallen spaceship with a wary paw, but when it didn’t move he lost interest and strutted back towards the house – looking very pleased with himself for killing a giant bug.
I couldn’t understand how Fatty had brought down a flying saucer with one swipe, until I saw the cat-scratch down its side with wires spilling out. The torn metal was as thin as paper and hummed beneath my fingers.
That meant the spaceship still had some life in it.
I ran back through the trees, crept into the house and up to the spare bedroom. The alien granny was sitting in bed making notes in a metal book with a laser-beam pen.
‘Fatty attacked your flying saucer!’ I whispered urgently.
I took the alien to the fallen ship and spent the whole night holding the torch while she repaired the wires and patched the scratch. It was almost dawn when the flying saucer buzzed back into life, and the alien granny was so relieved that she let me see inside.
I was expecting to see walls of flashing lights and buttons like the spaceships on TV, but all of the controls were on a single silver joystick. The alien unzipped her granny disguise and took a seat in the cockpit. She wasn’t thin and green with big black eyes – she was thin and purple with big black eyes!
The alien gripped the controls with her thin purple fingers.
‘I wonder if we should give her a quick test-flight,’ she said with a misch
ievous smile and still using Granny’s voice. ‘Just to be on the safe side, of course.’
I was so excited I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded eagerly.
‘Off we go, then!’ she said, and pulled back on the joystick.
The flying saucer immediately shot up through the trees and kept on going until the town, and then the city, and then the country fell away below us. Soon we were in outer space and looking at the whole planet below!
‘WOW!’ I gasped, and this book is much too small to write a big enough ‘WOW!’
It was probably the biggest ‘WOW!’ in the history of the world.
A world I was now gawping at with very wide eyes!
‘It seems to be working fine,’ said the alien, smiling at the flabbergasted look on my face. ‘But I’m afraid we have to get back, or else someone might notice we’re missing.’
Jake Cake: The Pirate Curse Page 2
