by Naomi Niles
Rampaging teenage hormones or societal pressure didn’t motivate us. We were motivated by our need for one another, by the realization that our love was pure and therefore it was untouchable. It may not have been true in the greater scheme of things, but it was true for us in that moment.
“Lizzie,” Dylan whispered in my ear, calling me back to the present. He was kissing me tenderly, slowly and I knew he was taking his time because he wanted this to last as long as possible.
I smiled up at him, seeing the boy I had fallen in love with all those years ago. “Dylan,” I replied.
“If you want me to stop… I will,” he said.
He was asking because he wanted to give me a choice. He was leaving in a few weeks and he didn’t want to leave me like he had the first time he had gone. I loved the gesture; I loved the fact that he cared enough to ask me the question. Especially because I could see in this eyes that he didn’t want to stop. It didn’t matter though.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want you to stop.” I couldn’t have stopped even if I had wanted to. The pull was too strong, the need was too powerful, and I knew that the only thing I would regret once he was gone was if I didn’t go through with this.
He dropped his head down to my neck and started kissing me, slowly and patiently as though we had all the time in the world. His hands explored my body, slipping under my blouse and moving in gentle rhythms up and down the length of me. Slowly, he unbuttoned my blouse and undid the clasp of my trousers. He undressed me leisurely so that he could watch me as he pealed each layer away.
It wasn’t until I was lying beneath him in nothing but my bra and panties that the nerves kicked in and I started to feel vulnerable and panicky. He sensed my unease immediately and he pulled back a little and looked down at me. “Are you ok?” he asked.
“I don’t look the same as I did eleven years ago,” I managed to say. “I’ve changed, my body has changed.”
“I don’t care,” he said before he bent down to kiss me again.
This time I pulled away from him. “Dylan …”
“It’s ok,” he said softly. “Tell me.”
“I’m just… I don’t know why I’m so nervous,” I admitted. “You seem so calm.”
“I’m not,” he said. “Trust me. I’ve gotten used to keeping a calm façade but inside, I’m just as nervous as you are.” He pushed himself up on his knees. “Maybe this will make you feel better,” he said as he removed his shirt and began to undo his trousers.
I stared at the beautiful marble perfection of his body. “That doesn’t make me feel better,” I said. “You look like you’re carved out of stone. Are those even real?”
“The abs?” he asked looking down for a moment. “Why don’t you give them a close inspection and find out yourself.”
I blushed and he noticed. He smiled and came to lie beside me once more. He took my hand and held it close to his heart. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” he said. “But I want you to know that you are the single most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. I meant it then and I mean it now. I have travelled the world, Lizzie, and no woman has ever come close to you.”
I took his hand and placed it back on my body, and he smiled at the gesture as he leaned in and started kissing me again. This time he was not as patient or as gentle. He was more insistent; there was a hunger in his kiss and his touch that made me feel unbelievably desired.
He slipped off my bra and I felt the cold air rush at me before Dylan’s hands came over my breasts. He touched them first, his fingers caressing my nipples slowly. Then he bent down and took a nipple in his mouth. I felt a moan escape me and I grabbed at the grass around me. I could feel his hands slip downwards until he had pushed off my panties and I was lying completely naked under the fading sunlight.
I remembered our first time so perfectly that it almost felt like a recent memory. His hands had fumbled at my clothes, we had bumped our noses together more than once, and our teeth had grated together when we kissed. We had been so nervous that day once we realized what was happening, once we realized we were actually going to go through with it.
I had been nervous then, but at some point during our fumbling, once we were naked and staring at one another, the nerves had melted away. Suddenly instinct had taken over and that instinct told me that I could trust Dylan. A similar feeling engulfed me as Dylan’s fingers slipped inside me and I realized that I could trust him. I could trust him to see beauty in my body, I could trust him with my flaws, and I could be as vulnerable as I needed to be because he would not hold it against me.
I could feel his erection hard against my thigh and it excited me further. I turned into him and wrapped my hand around his hard-on. He moaned in response and I felt a thrill of pleasure overtake me. My consciousness left me with that moan and I explored his body the way he was exploring mine. When he finally slipped inside me, I felt such a strange mix of emotions.
They were a serious of contradictions that left me feeling confused and exhilarated. I felt as though I was coming home after a long absence, I felt sad and happy at the same time. I felt as though I was holding something precious in my closed fist but I knew that the moment I opened it, it would fly away. He moved inside me, slowly at first and then a little harder, a little more insistently.
It felt so amazing that it scared me. He was my first love; he was the man I had trusted with my body and my heart. We had been so young when we had first started dating that we had grown together, we had taught each other, we had become two sides of the same coin. Dylan used to say that we were each other’s reflections and I was only now beginning to understand what that meant.
“Dylan,” I whispered into his ear.
The sound of my voice seemed to spur him on and he pushed into me harder and faster until I was moaning, grabbing at the skin on his back, feeling myself lose all control as pleasure ripped over me and I forgot about everything that had separated us in the last decade. I could feel his breathing get increasingly more urgent and I felt my body respond to him. Our hands were entangled together over my head as we came.
We lay like that, letting our breathing climb down slowly. Dylan shifted to the side so that his weight wasn’t completely on me. He looked down at me and brushed his fingers against my cheek. “How are you feeling?” he asked.
I nodded. “I feel… good,” I said honestly. “Better than I have in ages.”
“Me too,” he said with a smile.
“It’s … been a long time for me,” I admitted.
He raised his eyebrows. “Really?”
“Not since my divorce,” I admitted.
“Oh,” he said and I knew he wasn’t sure what to say at this point.
“It’s ok, Dylan,” I said. “I know you haven’t been celibate this whole time. I never expected that you would be.”
“Would you believe me if I said that all those other women … they were just ships in the night for me. They were only ever a distraction so that, for a moment at least, I could forget this broken world of ours.”
“That sounds … so sad,” I said.
“It is sad,” Dylan replied. “Which is why it’s so much better with you. Everything is better with you.”
I realized suddenly how unbelievably easy it was to fall back in love with him. It had already started to happen without me noticing a thing and it had only been a few days. I sat upright and pulled my underwear on, trying to catch a hold of my emotions before they got away from me. I had to be smart about this. I was not a hopeful teenager anymore; I was a grown woman and I needed to be realistic.
“How are things at home?” I asked, once we were dressed.
Dylan poured us some wine and passed me a glass. “Difficult,” he said. “Mom’s constantly crying and Tyler … well he’s constantly bitching.”
“Go easy on your brother,” I said gently. “He’s probably going through a lot too.”
“I know he is,” Dylan nodded. “And
I’d love to be there for him, it’s just … he’s antagonistic all the time. It’s hard not to let that get to me.”
“Why do you think he’s like that all the time?” I asked.
“I think he believes that I took the life he wanted,” Dylan tried to explain. “And he got stuck in this town having to look after our parents.”
I nodded. “I remember,” I said. “Wasn’t he interested in joining the Navy at one point?"
“He was more than just interested,” Dylan replied. “He was committed, he went for the meetings and he did all the tests. That was when we found out about the diabetes.”
“I remember,” I nodded. “He couldn’t enlist after that could he?”
“No,” Dylan said. “But I did… I think that affected him more than he let on. He’ll never admit it, but I think that’s why he’s always so annoyed with me. That’s part of the reason I wanted to get out of the house today. I just couldn’t deal with everything on my own and I remembered that I never really had to. You were always there with me whenever things got bad. And I wondered if we still had that.”
“What do you think?” I asked.
“We still have it,” Dylan said, taking my hand and kissing it.
“I’m glad.”
“I want to see you again,” Dylan said directly. “I’m going to Austin tomorrow for a couple of days to deal with some family business, but I want to see you when I come back.”
I was too far in to this to display any sort of reluctance now. I nodded. “When are you coming back into town?” I asked.
“Saturday,” he replied. “Maybe we could do something on Saturday night?”
“I work Saturday nights,” I said.
He looked at me curiously. “You’re a librarian.”
I smiled. “I know that. I have a second job at Dillard’s.”
“The pub downtown?”
“That’s the one,” I nodded. “I waitress there and some days I bartend too.”
“Wow,” Dylan said. “I didn’t expect that.”
“You can meet me there at nine on Saturday,” I said, enjoying the fact that I wasn’t as predictable as I believed I was.
“What?” I asked, noticing that Dylan was looking at me in a strange way.
“Nothing,” he said at first. “It’s just that … three days seems a long time to go without seeing you. Ironic considering …”
“I know,” I replied.
Three days did seem like a long time. I sighed internally, wondering how I had let myself get involved so fast. I had thought that I’d done a good job of getting over Dylan but as it turned out, those feelings weren’t buried deep enough. They’d been lying in wait for years, waiting for an excuse to resurface.
Chapter Fifteen
Dylan
“Let’s get a table out on the deck, boys,” Jason said in his usual grandiose manner. “It has a brilliant view of the golf course.”
Tyler and I followed Jason out onto the deck where we were shown to a table by the edge. It was a lovely view, but after almost three hours playing golf I was just as happy to sit inside and not have to think about it. We ordered quickly and the moment the waiter left, Jason turned to us with his hands crossed together.
“Ok, boys,” he said. “I think it’s time to talk about the hard stuff.”
Jason Sterner had been dad’s lawyer for more than fifteen years. He used to come to the house every now and again, sit with dad, share a beer, and talk about business and politics. I never understood why dad needed a lawyer in the first place, but I was starting to understand.
“You’re father had assets,” Jason went on. “He had shares and he had money tucked away in mutual funds. Now we need to figure out how to divvy up those assets.”
“Didn’t dad do that already?” I asked. “I mean, shouldn’t there be a clause in his will that state which assets goes to which son?”
“Some parents do it that way,” Jason nodded. “Others don’t. Your father’s will mentions that all and any money from bonds, shares and mutual funds will go straight to your mother. But he wasn’t as specific with the rest of it.”
Tyler leaned in. His face was clear of expression and completely serious and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking. “Ok … so what does that mean?” Tyler asked.
“It means that you and Dylan will have to discuss everything,” Jason explained. “You will have to come to an agreement and divide up the assets between the two of you.”
“I guess the next question is … what were dad’s assets?”
“Basically we’re looking at land,” Jason replied. “There is of course the house you are currently living in which is a prime bit of real estate and another piece of land on the outskirts of Bastrop. There is also a piece of land in California.
“California?” Tyler said. “I didn’t know about that.”
“No one did,” Jason replied. “It was a recent purchase your dad made. I knew he intended to leave it to one of you boys, but I just don’t know which one.”
“Dad never mentioned it to you?” I asked. “Even in passing?”
“I’m fairly certain he intended to include it in his will,” Jason replied. “But he didn’t expect to die so soon. He didn’t have time to fill it out and complete all the little missing pieces.”
“Which means we have to figure it out on our own?” I said, hearing the weariness in my own voice.
“Yes,” Jason said uncomfortably. “I’m sure you boys can come to an agreement. You’re brothers after all.”
I tried very hard not to snort at that and I could tell Tyler was trying to do the same. “Remind me again,” I said. We’re looking at three pieces of land, two in Bastrop and one in California?”
“That’s right,” Jason nodded.
“And once we make the decision …?”
“I will do the necessary paperwork and ownership of the land will pass to you,” Jason replied.
Instantly I saw it in my head. Land was exactly what I needed in order to make my dream of starting a rehabilitation program come true. Even after he was gone, dad was still lending me a helping hand. I felt that familiar tug of pain in my gut every time I thought of him, but this time it was dulled by a sense of gratitude.
“I’ll take the land in California,” Tyler said abruptly, catching me off guard. “Dylan can have the land on the outskirts of Bastrop and mom can decide who she’s leaving the family home to once she’s gone.”
I looked at Tyler. “You’ve got this all figured out haven’t you?” I said, trying to contain the annoyance in my voice.
“Sometimes quick decisions need to be made,” Tyler replied.
“When there’s a cause for it,” I countered. “We don’t have to make a quick decision now. We can discuss it … together.”
Tyler’s expression soured and I sensed another fight on the horizon. Evidently, Jason sensed it too because he excused himself and headed off to the bathroom at a suspiciously fast pace. I turned to Tyler immediately. “What the hell was that?” I asked.
“What?” Tyler asked.
“You didn’t even bother to discuss that with me,” I said accusingly. “Don’t you think I deserve a say?”
“Fine,” Tyler said with a dramatic sigh. “Let me guess … you want the land in California?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then why are we even having this conversation?” Tyler demanded.
“Why do you want the land in California?” I shot at him.
“I would have thought it was obvious.”
“Explain it to me anyway,” I said. “Treat me like I’m stupid.”
“I want to get out of this fucking town at some point,” Tyler hissed at me. “I want to experience a different kind of life. I would have thought you’d understand that.”
“I didn’t know you hated it here so much,” I said.
“That’s because you haven’t been paying attention,” Tyler shot at me. “You haven’t been paying attenti
on for eleven years.”
“Come on,” I said defensively. “That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?” Tyler demanded. “You hightailed it out of here as fast as you could. You had parents in this town Dylan, you had friends … you had a girlfriend. You left them all and you didn’t look back once.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Dylan asked. “I called mom and dad once a week after I left Bastrop.”
“Sure at the beginning,” Tyler nodded. “And then you called them once a month, and then it was even less than that, until it became one random letter every couple of months. You never even bothered to visit when you did get leave. You came home once five years ago and that was as far as your effort extended.”
I felt my blood boil but I kept my anger in check as I stared down Tyler. “You don’t understand.”
“Explain it to me then,” Tyler said, throwing my own words back in my face. “Treat me like I’m stupid.”
I shook my head. “You don’t get it. You think I was off travelling the world and having the time of my life. Are you delusional enough to believe that there’s anything remotely thrilling about war?”
“It may not be thrilling,” Tyler shot back. “But at least you were doing something noble, something honorable.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “But that doesn’t take away anything else. You’re still out there in hostile territories, scared out of your mind hoping that you’re not going to run into anyone because you might have to kill or be killed. People talk about glory, they talk about heroes but they’re just words and they don’t mean a thing to me.”
“You should never have enlisted,” Tyler said staring at me. “You were not cut out for the Navy.”
“That’s what this is really about, isn’t it, Ty?” I asked. “You’re jealous because according to you I got to get out there and live the dream while you got stuck in Bastrop looking after our parents. You think I stole your life? That’s why you’re so damn mad at me.”
