by Naomi Niles
I thought ahead to the hotel and what to expect there. I was so new to any of this, and I didn’t even know if he wanted me like that, but he had to feel the heat from his lips as much as I had. While a boy had never kissed me before, women had back home, and it was never like that. It was always just cold and awkward.
I wondered if we’d share a bed to sleep in and how I should act. I didn’t have my night dress with me, so I didn’t even know what to wear, and I thought about what I’d gotten that I could use. Maybe if it was dark enough I’d just sleep in a shirt and some underpants, though the idea felt so naughty that it made me blush.
I glanced over at him, singing along to the song that was on the radio as he nodded his head to the fast beat. What did he wear to sleep in? I tried to imagine him as I’d seen him in the barn and my heart beat faster. His skin was darker than mine, and he was so muscular. I didn’t know whether I liked him better in clothes or without the shirt and the idea of seeing him any more naked scared me deep inside.
The little I had talked about sex with my Amish friends, it sounded like it hurt the first time. That worried me, but I knew that if it happened with Aidan, he would be kind to me. I didn’t want to think that he would do it to take advantage of my situation since it wasn’t required of rumspringa. I just knew that a lot of kids wanted to try everything that they could.
I tried to ask him about the women a few times, but he’d always steer the conversation another direction. He talked about music a lot more, and I could tell that it really meant a lot to him. He seemed to know the words to every song that played on the radio and told me so much about the people that sang the songs. I kept looking people up as he spoke and I’d save them in the note part of my phone for later. I liked music as well though the same songs over and over got pretty boring. They never seemed to take any chances in those songs and the ones that I heard now did. He even pointed out a song that was about a murder when it just sounded like a man singing about a beautiful girl. Maybe this world was scary and wrong. Maybe I should ask him to take me back home and just accept the Amish way of living.
I knew that I didn’t want that as I looked back at him. I wanted to ride this through until the end.
I sensed that he was putting off the hotel until it was dark outside and getting late. I’d already told him that I was fine sharing a room with him, so I expected that, but I was still nervous. We drove for a little while longer, and he finally pulled into a parking lot as I leaned forward and looked at the two-story building that seemed to have a lot of rooms. There was a room beside us that was all glass with a desk inside and a girl standing behind it as she looked at something in front of her.
He asked me if I wanted to come inside and I watched as he walked around to my side and opened the door. He also opened the door to the big room, and I looked around with wide eyes. There were a few couches and a big television in one corner, and there was another corner there looked to be some food and some fancy kind of machines. This was very fancy, and I followed him across the room to the big desk where the beautiful girl was. The way she looked at Aidan reminded me of the way that my brother looked at supper time, and I frowned as she flirted with him the way he’d flirted with me.
Her eyes were a dark blue with a lot of makeup on, and she had bright red lips that kept smiling as she asked Aidan questions. Did he want a smoking or non-smoking room? They had both of those? I wrinkled my nose at the thought. I had seen a lot of people smoking when we were driving around, but I thought it was a bad habit, and I was glad that Aidan didn’t do it.
He told her non-smoking, and she looked at me before she asked how many beds he needed. My heart dropped a little when Aidan said two and I frowned as she smiled and seemed to be more interested in him. Did he not want to sleep in bed with me?
The girl leaned forward as she handed him a card and an envelope and I saw how much her shirt was unbuttoned. I reached out with my hand and took his as I moved closer to him. I thanked her for the room in my polite voice that Mama had taught me to use, but I saw her eyes narrow as she looked at me for a long moment. So this was how you showed that you liked a boy in front of another girl. She glanced back at Aidan as she told him to have a good night before she looked down at the television in front of her and clicked on something.
She’d mentioned Continental breakfast, and I glanced over in the corner as we left the lobby and walked back out to the car. “Is that where we eat?”
“Yeah, a lot of hotels offer that. Some places let you cook stuff like eggs and waffles and some just have donuts and muffins. It’s free with the room and a nice way to grab some food before you go on to wherever it is you’re going.” Aidan told me as I smiled.
“Wisconsin.” He grinned and unlocked the trunk to grab our bags.
“We’re on the second level. Let’s head up, shall we?” Aidan asked as he met my eyes and his smile faded. Was he as nervous as I was?
CHAPTER 18
Aidan
I unlocked the door and allowed her in before I carried the bags to the small closet area and placed them on the floor. The air was thick in here, and I licked my lips as she walked into the room and looked around. She’d never been in a hotel room before, and I smiled as her head swiveled around the room that I would once consider commonplace. Never again. “Is it what you thought it would be?” I asked her as she turned to look at me.
“I don’t know yet,” her words made me raised my eyebrow at her as she walked inside and over to the window. She looked outside, and I took in the arch of her neck in the light that was coming from the small entryway as my jeans tightened. “I feel so small up here in this room. There're so many others just like it and other people and…this is so new to me.”
She had done the same thing on the same day for years, her whole life. I didn’t think they even traveled like this for an overnight trip unless it might be to see family. She’d never been in a hotel with a television and a coffeemaker with a guy like me, or any man for that matter.
Elsa sounded homesick, and I felt guilty for dragging her into my mess all over again as I ran a hand over my sweaty head. She walked over to the bed and stared at the TV for a moment as I cleared my throat. “I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be quick, and you can take your turn. Sound good?” She nodded, and I walked forward and grabbed the remote from the stand and turned it on for her before I showed Elsa how to change channels on the screen. “Enjoy.”
I left her there alone in the room on the bed closest to the window. I grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt to put on after I was done and pulled the door closed behind me as I looked at it.
I left it unlocked like the asshole that I was. Was I hoping she’d come into the bathroom and join me or something? I undressed in the small bathroom and folded my dirty clothes before I set them on the toilet. I flipped the fan on before I leaned in and turned on the shower to hot. Memories flooded my mind as I stepped under the weak stream of water that always came with a hotel room and I imagined Melissa back in high school before I ever joined the Army. We were young with the whole world in front of us back then, and I even bought her a small diamond ring before I left for boot camp. Boot camp turned into my first tour of duty in Iraq where I killed my first child when he started to throw a bomb at me. I had orders to shoot to kill if I felt threatened and I did just that, but something inside of me broke when I watched his little body explode in a splattering of blood as he collapsed to the ground. The screams of the mother would forever haunt my mind as she ran out to her lifeless son and I wondered what was going on in her mind to be alright with him doing that. Well, before I wondered what the fuck had to be wrong with me to be able to shoot him?
I cried as I leaned against the wall and released all of my pent up emotions. I hadn’t come back the same from that, and I needed to explain to Melissa what happened to change me. Even knowing that she’d moved on and that she was happy now didn’t help me deal with the way we’d ended so painfully.
I was proud o
f the fact that I’d served my country, but I wasn’t sure if I was content with that decision now. I’d ruined lives because of it.
My memories moved onto Angela and what I thought was a new start for me. She’d helped me through so much, and I felt like a new man when we decided to start dating. She was so different than Melissa and kind and understanding as opposed to Melissa’s outgoing and bubbly personality. I was all in and despite things moving quickly, I committed myself to Angela until karma stepped in and reminded me of what a horrible person that I was. I’d ruined another life and had to piece my life back together all over again. Angela had been there for me through it and helped me even though she was suffering her pain. God, she was such a good person, and I’d ruined her life as well.
I scrubbed my body with the small bar of soap that they offered and felt my hands run over the scars that I would always have. As if my emotional baggage wasn’t enough, I had to look at my marred skin and see that forever as well. Though forever had become a lot shorter now and I thought again how it was God’s way of making me pay for all that I’d done.
My whole life flashed before my eyes as I regained composure of my emotions. I grew up a happy kid with great parents and brothers. We roughed each other up and fought more than our parents ever wanted, but we loved each other. I’d been proud of my father, and when he’d died, I used to tell everyone that he died in honor.
Did all of the people I’d killed die in honor as well? Did I make my dad proud by joining the Army in his memory, at least in part?
I refused to let myself think about Marion, and instead, I imagined Elsa sitting out there alone on the bed. If all that she’d told me was true, then Elsa had never been with a man before. I didn’t think she’d been kissed or had her hand ever held and here I was hard as I was thinking about her in here.
How could I want her so much when I was such an awful person? I was twisted and broken, and she was innocent and kind. I’d ruined enough women, and here I was longing just to go out there and bury myself inside of her. She was so beautiful and saw the world through such different eyes than I did. I could never see it that way again, and I worried about her future when I wasn’t there to protect her anymore.
Would she stay in my world and meet other guys? Would they take advantage of her and hurt her or would she go back to her family? Elsa could marry a good man there and live a quiet and safe life. That was all I wanted for her deep down, and I knew that I couldn’t give it to her. I was going to die, and I shouldn’t want her at all. I shouldn’t be so selfish to ruin another life in my path of destruction but hell if I didn’t want her right here and now. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the night knowing that she was so close to me. The night in the barn had been difficult enough, and she’d been able to leave.
Tonight, we were both here, and my body throbbed at the thought. I reached down to stroke myself with the hope that it would calm my racing hormones down.
There was a soft knock at the door, and I rinsed my face under the water as I wondered if I’d imagined it. “Aidan? Can I come in?” Elsa’s soft voice seemed to echo through the small space as I took a deep breath. I wanted to move out and get dressed, but I remained still for a moment. I was naked and hard, and she’d see that through the glass if I said yes. “Aidan?”
“Come in.” My voice was gruff as I spoke and I watched as the door opened and she walked in. The room was still steamy, but I could see her, and I knew that she could see me. My hand was still in place, and she peered closer before I turned my back to her and looked down at the floor.
What was she doing in here?
CHAPTER 19
Elsa
I sat on the bed in the dim room as I took it all in. I thought about how big the world was and about my place in it as I pushed the buttons on the device that Aidan gave me. There were live pictures on the screen, and I stared in wonder at them. I saw people discussing the world, and I felt scared as they spoke about crime and violence that was happening all over the place. It made me wonder if that was the reason that people returned to the community as I watched images of war and death play across the big screen. It was so much easier to see it here than on my phone.
I changed the channel to a show with some people sitting at a table having a conversation as the sound of laughter filled the room. Who was laughing? I tilted my head and looked as they kept speaking and then wondered if there was an audience watching this as they filmed it on their cameras. Is that how television shows were made? The jokes that were said didn’t make much sense to me, and I looked longingly at the wall that Aidan was just beyond. I could hear the water running, and I clicked on another channel as I sighed.
I flushed at the scene that was playing before my eyes. It was a woman with a man bent over her. They were both naked, and it appeared that he was biting her skin as I found myself leaning closer. What was this?
He was blonde and very tall and muscular as he ate at the woman while she clung to him. They were in a bed much like this one, and I imagined what it would feel like for it to be Aidan doing that to me, whatever that was. She was moving under him and saying the name Eric over and over as I paid attention to my body. My breasts had had tips on them that were painful with a pressure that I didn’t know what to do with. I frowned and slid my palm over my dress to feel them as a shock went through my body.
Eric moved down over the woman’s breasts and sucked them into his mouth as she cried out and arched her back. I knew that moms fed their babies this way but what was he doing? Did Eric feed as well?
She was curvier than I was and I frowned as I wondered if that’s what men wanted.
I felt a throbbing between my legs and more pressure. I had no idea what to do with that, and I stared in fascination as the bodies joined on the screen and started moving together. This seemed so real that I was wondering if the people on television were really having sex with each other. I began to feel hot, and sweat pooled in my hair that was hanging around my face as I took a deep breath.
The movements on the screen grew more frantic and loud responses filled the room as I pressed my thighs together and felt something surge through me.
I wanted that, but not with any Amish boy that was experiencing his freedom. I wanted it with Aidan. He knew what he was doing if women were sending him picture messages inviting him over to their house. I saw them cry out loudly on the screen as she seemed to shake under him and he roared her name. Sickie? I’d never heard that name.
I stood and started to pace as the pressure got worse. I didn’t know what to do, and I found myself turning towards the bathroom door as I longed for him just to touch me. I wanted to shake the way she did in the show, and I glanced at the screen to see him biting her neck and sucking.
I didn’t know if I wanted that but I walked again and slowly made my way to the closed door. I tried it gently to find that it was unlocked, and my cheeks warmed. I couldn’t just barge in since he might not want me to see him naked. Aidan might not want me at all. I tapped on the door with a gentle hand and called out his name. “Aidan? Can I come in?”
There was no response, but my body forced me to call out his name again. “Aidan?”
I heard him tell me to come in though he sounded like he might be getting a sore throat with the way his voice was. It echoed over the sound of the water, and that might be why. I turned the door again and pushed it open to see a little room filled with smoke as I coughed. I stepped inside and turned to look through the glass where he stood and had to squint from the way the hot air made it hard to see inside. “What is that?”
“It’s steam from the hot water,” he replied as I moved forward and wiped at the glass with my hand. “What are you doing?”
“I needed to see all of you, Aidan.” I felt breathless. “I was sitting out there, watching something. I just needed you.” He ran his hands over his skin as something lathered under the water and a fresh scent filled the air. Soap. He had turned to the side, and my eyes passed o
ver the scars that covered his left arm and chest with a fleeting concern. It wasn’t offensive to me to see him this way, and I leaned closer.
Aidan was muscular, so much more so with no clothing on. He was perfect with planes of muscle over his body even under the scars that he seemed to try to hide as he shrunk back against the wall. He was sticking out between his legs and heat pooled between my legs as I looked at my first penis ever. I remembered that it was drilled into my head that sex was sinful and wrong. He was big and hard, and I wondered how that would even fit as a wave of lust washed over me again.
Aidan saw me looking at him, and I recognized the confident look in his eyes. He slid a hand down his stomach and fisted himself in his hand as he watched my face. “You make me this way,” he told me as he stroked up and down as I watched in rapt attention. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Elsa.” Aidan stroked more, slower and harder and I felt my knees weaken as a strange desire struck me.
This was so unfamiliar, and I stepped back to run my hands up my legs. I was damp and sweaty, and I lifted my skirt to pull the dress over my head in one swift movement. I only wore the scrap of lace between my legs and my breasts puckered despite the heat in the room as he stared into my eyes. They hurt with need, and I looked down my pale stomach before I slid the underwear down my slim thighs. I had no idea what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop, and I dropped them to the ground. I met his eyes again as I found the entrance to the shower with my hand and stepped inside, up against his hot wet skin. “Elsa.”
I moved in front of him and shook as I stared up at the ceiling. I was here, but I didn’t know what to do or what to say. My arms hung uselessly at my side before I smelled the soap again and hands touched my back. “Aidan.” My voice was a whimper as he traced my sides and made me shiver.
