by Naomi Niles
“I am scared for him. He already has those scars, and I think they hurt him more than he tells me. I hear him moaning in his sleep sometimes like he’s in pain. I don’t wake him up because I know that he needs sleep, but I worry.” I looked at her. “Is he okay?”
“I see peace in him that I haven’t seen in a very long time, Elsa. The way that he cares for me shows me that Aidan is all too aware of who he is again and I don’t want that broken. He’s just stubborn in his ways.” Angela gave me a rueful smile. “You know, after we lost our baby and broke up, I tried to date a few times. I thought that I might find a man like Aidan.”
“Did you?” She shook her head.
“I don’t believe there is a man like Aidan out there. I think that you know that and might be confused about what to do after this is all over. Am I correct?” I nodded since she’d hit the nail on the head. She was brilliant about people. “I knew that he wasn’t doing this just for fun like he claims.” She gave me a quick look. “He didn’t say it like that, Elsa. I promise. He just tried to brush me off when I told him that he was in love with you too.” Too? Did she see my feelings for him? “I saw it all over your face from the moment that you two arrived. I could see that you were a little uncertain about being here, but it’s clear that Aidan is very much with you.”
I sipped my coffee and took in her words. “It is?”
“Oh, yes. I knew that he wasn’t coming here to rekindle anything before but seeing you by his side…it made me happy. It made me glad to see that he’d entirely moved on from everything.” She nodded, and I looked closely into her face.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the baby. Aidan is still sad about it as well,” I whispered as she looked at me with soft eyes. “He talked about it driving here.”
“It’s a hard thing to go through. It was a shock since we’d been so careful, but I was all right with it. I thought that we’d make good parents.” She shook her head and glanced at me. “Do you want children?”
“I’m not sure. I’m only twenty. I know that it will be expected of me if I return home and marry. It’s what we do. I just don’t know if I want that life for myself, not yet,” I looked at her to see if she understood what I was saying.
“I know what you mean. I went through something similar once I was on my own. It took a few dates, and a few failed relationships to see that I wasn’t cut out to be with the guys that I met and end up on the same road with them that I had Aidan. I ended my career as a therapist and went back to school, and now I help others by teaching what I know. It’s soothing to me.” She smiled, and I saw the calm in her face. “I just go day by day now and enjoy every moment. I think everyone should do that at some point. You and Aidan deserve to do it together.” She looked at me. “Try to hold onto him. He’s a good man and he adores you.”
I remained quiet as I thought it over. “I want that,” I admitted as she smiled at me. “He’s the only man that I’ve ever…been with. At all. Is it okay to want that? We saw Melissa before this, and she laughed about his past. I am so different that what he’s used to.”
Angela chuckled as she stirred her coffee. “He saw her. I’m glad. That devastated him.” She seemed to think for a moment. “Men are funny, Elsa. Outside of where you are, they can act foolish, and they use sex the wrong way sometimes. I have seen a lot of them settle down when they find the right woman without a second thought, though. I am certain that Aidan is more that way than most.” She gave me a curious look. “Is sex a regular part of rumspringa for you?”
I blushed deeply as I stared at the counter. It was a soft gray and beautiful, and I stumbled over my answer. “Yes, for most. They don’t talk about it when they come back a lot, but I know that some of my friends had sex. Everything that you do is forgiven as long as you don’t come back expecting or something along those lines. This is just part of our lives.” I frowned. “I don’t think that this is just sex for me.”
“I agree,” she solemnly agreed before she sipped her coffee again. “He’s crazy about you.”
CHAPTER 30
Aidan
I heard the bombs in the air and smelled the smoke that penetrated my lungs as I screamed out and tried to feel around me. The air was thick with the smoke and the smell of blood as I found someone and moved closer to see who it was. I expected Joe as it had every other time and was stunned to see Elsa on the ground beside me. She was bleeding, and her chest was blown open, and I started sobbing her name as I pulled her body to me. All of the pain of losing Joe and everything else that I’d seen in my Army career hit me, and I shook as I kissed her and told her how sorry I was. I told her that I loved her before I turned sharply and woke up on the hardwood floor to the sound of an argument. I sat up and ran my hands through my hair as I looked around to see Angela pressed against the wall just inside the door with her hand pressed over her mouth. “What’s happening?”
“It’s her brother, I think. Adam?” I nodded and stood on shaking legs as she stared at me. “Were you dreaming again? Does that still happen?”
“Yes, Ang. It does. Elsa was in it…when did he get here?” I demanded as she gave me a knowing gaze.
“Just a little while ago. We were up having coffee and talking, and there was pounding on my door. It scared, and I would have woken you, but once we found out who it was, Elsa assured me that she could handle it,” Angela told me as I stared at the door. I threw it open to see Elsa and her brother in a heated discussion as I stood back for a moment.
“What are you doing here?” Elsa asked him as he clenched his fists and stared at her. “Why did you leave home?” I could hear the strain in her voice as she spoke and I looked into his face to see that he’d noticed me. His eyes darkened, and he looked at Elsa with a protective stance to his body.
“I had to follow you. I borrowed a car from the guy at the shop and managed to catch up. Elsa, you can’t stay with this man,” Adam told her as she placed her hands on her hips and stared defiantly at him.
“You did rumspringa too, Adam. Mama and Daddy did it, and we all have our chance. Why would you break tradition and do this?” Her voice sounded angry, and she glanced at me with a look of embarrassment on her beautiful face. “I’m sorry, Aidan. This isn’t normal, and he’s just being overprotective.”
“I am not just overprotective, Elsa. I don’t want you with him, and we can do anything you want on the way home. Daddy gave me permission to take my time if that’s what it took to get you back.” Adam glared at me. “Aidan is on drugs, Elsa. I saw him taking them in the barn.” I glanced over to see Angela listening as she stared at me with concern. “He’s dangerous for you.”
“I knew that I thought I saw you in Gettysburg! You’ve been trailing us all of this time?” Elsa yelled as his face flushed pink, and he nodded. “I'm all right, Adam. Look at me. I’m happy, and I am living my life.” She stared at me with broken eyes. “Do you take drugs, Aidan?” Tears shimmered in her eyes, and I swallowed the lump in my throat before I slowly nodded.
“They’re prescription, Elsa. They help with the pain from my arm.” I stared into her eyes as I spoke and she widened her eyes. “That is all I take; I swear to you.” Pain filled my voice as I impaired her to believe me with my eyes. “The doctor gave them to me to help me sleep. I wouldn’t otherwise and it’s already bad enough with the dreams…” My voice drifted off, and I felt everyone’s eyes on me.
“You know that we don’t believe in taking those, Elsa. It’s against our faith and everything that you’ve been taught.” Adam’s voice was firm as she looked back at him with pain written all over her face. “That’s just the beginning to a life that you don’t want or need. I don’t care that you’re on your rumspringa. I care that you’re with him because he’s not healthy. He’s nothing but destruction, and he won’t show you anything that’s good.”
“He’s shown me nothing but good, Adam.” Tears slid down her face as she started to cry. I could hear the conviction behind her voice, but I also picked up
the doubt. I knew her well, and she stared at him. “He’s taken me everywhere. Gettysburg, Wisconsin, all of these places. We haven’t done anything bad.” I heard her voice fade with that as he looked at me with hatred in his eyes.
“You stayed with him in hotels, Elsa. I saw you. I know that he made you have sex with him. It shows all over you, especially the way that you acted the other night.” His voice was high in his accusations and I stepped forward as rage filled me.
“Forced her?” I demanded as we stood face to face while I heard Elsa crying. “I would never force myself on any woman, Adam. I resent the suggestion at all. I have taken care of Elsa this entire time, and I wouldn’t think of doing this any other way.” I knew that my rage could get out of control but I felt my body weakening as I stood tall against him.
“Will Abby be your first woman, Adam?” Elsa asked him in a broken voice as he stared past her. “Did you have sex on rumspringa?”
“Mama has cried every night since you left, Elsa. You broke her heart when you left like that.” He tried to deflect her argument but she screamed at him as she asked if he had. “Of course. Everyone does, Elsa. I just went into Pennsylvania, though. I didn’t leave the state to traipse all over the way you did. I didn’t go so far from home.” His voice broke and I watched his shoulders slump forward as he lost his tough front. “I didn’t want to go this far because I loved you guys too much.” He took a deep breath. “You don’t love us. You left so fast and went so far.”
“I wanted to see the world, Adam, what I saw of it. Aidan is on a journey, and I came along because I wanted to. He didn’t force me to do anything.”
I looked at Angela, and I saw the inner therapist inside of her wanting to come out as she opened and closed her mouth. I hated Adam for guilt tripping her the way that he was, but I also agreed with him in part. I wasn’t forcing myself on her or harming her as he thought that I was, but I was going to break her heart when this was all said and done. Elsa took a deep breath and continued. “I’ve learned so much about people on this trip, Adam. I saw these kids that were so happy and different than we were when we were little. I saw people entertaining friends that they loved even though they had things in their past. I saw love that was different than anything I’ve experienced. Did you see anything when you were following us? Did you see how beautiful everything was?”
“I want you home, Elsa. Mama and Daddy want you back.” His face remained steady as he looked at her.
“I’m not finished yet, Adam. There’s still more to see.” She looked at me, but I could see the hesitation in her eyes as I gazed back at her.
“Elsa, the pills that I take don’t make me feel weird or act that way. They help the pain. It’s really hard sometimes. I was on others before…for different reasons, but I am done with those. I just can’t bear the pain.” I promised her as she stared back at Adam.
“Did you know that he was near a bomb when it blew up, Adam? His skin is forever scarred for what he did for our country, and he hurts, inside and out. I see that in his eyes every day.” I stepped back and rested against the wall as she said that. I had hoped that I’d hidden it better. “Let him deal with that physical pain as he sees fit. Do you remember when Lucas got hurt out in the fields?” Adam nodded with a twisted expression on his face. “Do you think he likes living with that pain every day? Do you think he’d like the chance to have one day without it, or to sleep with ease on any given night?”
“He chose the Amish way, Elsa,” Adam told her solemnly, and she stared at him.
“I don’t think he knew anything about painkillers, Adam. That happened after he returned. I’ll bet if you asked him, he might think a bit differently.” Elsa said as he stared at the ground. “Has he said anything like that as he works so hard outside every day? Has he?”
“No, not to me,” Adam admitted as he looked at her.
“You see it in his face, don’t you?” He said nothing to her as he looked at her. “Let me see this life. Give me a chance to decide what I want to do.”
“What if he doesn’t bring you back? What if he forces you to stay in his world?” Adam asked her and she shook her head as a tear slid down her cheek.
“Aidan is going back to Afghanistan, Adam. He’s leaving again. He wouldn’t think of leaving anywhere but with you, Mama and Daddy. This is his just to let him see a few people that he cares about; that’s all. I insisted on coming even though I’m certain that he’d drop me off there several times already.”
“He’s a good man,” Angela stepped forward as Adam stared at her.
“Has he had sex with you as well?” Angela’s face dropped in pain as I stood tall again with the last bit of strength that I had. “You don’t deserve him, Elsa. That’s not right.”
Elsa started to speak, but I held my hand up in the air. “You need to get the hell away from here and go home, Adam. You’ve hurt everyone here enough. Elsa…she can go with you if she wants to. I wouldn’t stop her. I will say that there’s nothing negative with her around. She’s one of the things in my life that wants to make me celebrate it, and I have valued every moment with her. I was ready to give up everything before I saw her.” I dropped my hand and turned to walk into the house as pain filled my lungs. Angela stood outside for a moment before she closed the door crying and sat beside me. I felt her pain, but I struggled to breathe as I waited for the door to open. “I’m sorry that he said that. I can’t believe that he’s here at all.”
“He loves her so much but it’s so misguided,” Angela whispered as she wiped her face. “He was so cruel to her out there, but she has to make the choice, Aidan. It’s up to Elsa, but I still stand by my claim that she loves you. She told me as much before all of this happened.” She sniffled. “You’re not the man that he made you out to be. I know better than that.”
“There’s a lot that you don’t know. I am good to Elsa because she deserves nothing less, but I’ve done so much that was horrible and wrong. I think that I deserve all of those words sometimes.” Tears slid down my cheeks, and I buried my face in my hands. “She’d be better off without me.”
“No, I don’t think so. She’s given you your life back,” Angela insisted as I looked at her. “I know you, and you were ready to give up, weren’t you? Aidan, were you going to kill yourself?”
I started to open my mouth to speak when we both heard the door open. I turned to look at Elsa as she closed it and dropped to the floor before I rushed forward. “I can’t believe that he came here. I can’t believe that he followed me. That’s never been done before.” She stared at us. “I am so sorry for everything that he said.”
I listened as a heard a car start as I stared at her. “Is he leaving?” She nodded as she started to cry. Even though he would be gone, his words had left an imprint on her.
“Yes. I told him to. I am not ready for this journey to be finished yet.” I dropped beside her and pulled her into my arms. “I’m not ready to let go just yet.” I started at Angela over Elsa’s shoulder as she stared at us. I shook my head and hoped that she knew what I was answering. Her relieved smile told me that she did as she wiped tears away from her eyes.
It took some time for me to get Elsa up and into our room. We were all exhausted, and I just wanted to hold her while she slept, to assure her that she’d made the right choice. I wanted her to have faith in all of my promises, then and now.
I felt her tremble in my arms as I held her tightly, still wearing the dress. I whispered words to soothe her as I wondered who was going to soothe me. I’d have to let her in a lot more for Elsa to do it and I wasn’t ready to shred her open that way just yet. The dream played back in my memory, and I took a deep breath as pain rushed through my arms and chest. I wasn’t about to leave her side, though, at least until she was asleep. To hell with the pain.
I knew that it was as much emotional as it was physical and I closed my eyes and tried to find peace with her in my arms and my heart.
CHAPTER 31
Elsa
I woke up stiff as I took a ragged breath. I’d dreamt that I chose to leave Aidan, and I opened my eyes to see the guest room at Angela’s house as I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t and I wouldn’t, not until he was on that plane to go back to the place that had wounded his body and his heart. I wanted to beg him to stay. I wanted to scream and ask him why he needed to go back there.
Aidan rested with his arms tight around me as I watched him sleep. All of the words spoken between Adam, Aidan and I played back through my head, and my heart ached as I slowed them down. Adam had been cruel and punished me with everything he said, but I knew that the words were spoken out of love. I knew that he did all of that to protect me and for the sake of my parents. I remembered what he’d said about Mama crying, and the idea ripped me apart inside. Would he go home and tell them that I was safe and even happy? Had he seen that at all when he was here? I prayed that he did.
I took another breath and moved onto my back to fill my lungs with air. I would never regret doing this no matter where I ended up once this journey was over. This was what life was all about, and I knew that now. I willed my parents with my mind to know that I loved them so much but that I was happy here, whether it be in this room or in that car where I’d seen so much. I’d learned about myself.
I had a feeling that this was one of the most intense versions of rumspringa, and I dropped my head onto the pillow. I’d dreamed of it for the last few years since I’d hit my late teens and I wondered what I expected.
Not this. Not falling in love with this man that was going to leave me.
I moved to stand and saw the door that led outside. I glanced back at Aidan and saw that he was sleeping and unlocked the door to sit in the chair that was there. Tears slid down my cheeks as I tried to calm my racing heart and I turned to my faith for a moment. I wanted to pray for so many things, but I prayed at this moment for Aidan to find peace. That was what mattered the most, and I wished it for him regardless of the fact if we were together or not. Now I saw where Melissa and Angela’s affection for him came from.
