by Naomi Niles
“Are you sure?” Elsa asked as I nodded. We made a spot on the grass, and I leaned back as I watched the sky darken above me. The evening was setting in soon, and I looked at her.
“I am not really going back to Afghanistan, or anywhere for the Army for that matter.” I decided that being completely honest from the beginning would be the best way. Her face twisted as she looked at me and I saw the emotions play through her eyes. “I wasn’t planning on telling anybody at all. I was just going to…”
“Disappear?” Elsa asked in a pained voice as I felt the tears start all over again and Elsa stared at me with sad eyes. “You were just going to spend these days with me and leave me behind to go where?”
“Hell. I’m going to hell, Elsa.” Her eyes widened, and she pressed her hands to her mouth as she started to cry. “Shit, I don’t mean that. I do but not like you think.” I forced the words to play through my mind as I realized that I didn’t want this for my ending. Not anymore, not since I’d found her. “I am dying, Elsa. This, all of this, it was a big goodbye to the people that cared about me the most. My family, Mel, and Angela. Finally, Mar. I just wanted to tie up loose ends because I was alright with it. Hell, more than that I thought that I deserved it. I knew how much hurt I’d caused people and losing Mar the way I did finalized all of that. I killed someone, Elsa. I had hurt people in the past but killing her was too much for me.” I felt her arms around me as they held me tight and I leaned against her shoulder. “I wasn’t supposed to meet you. I was just passing through after seeing my family and the damn car broke down. I pulled into the driveway and figured I’d be there for a few hours at the most. I was going to fix it at best. I didn’t even really understand where I even was since my mind was racing so much.” I shook my head. “Then I’m sitting there at the table, and you walk in all blue eyes and innocence. I wanted you from that moment on, but I thought that it was nothing. I wasn’t going to treat you like I’d treated the other recent women. You were different, Elsa. You were so damn different.” I slipped an arm around her and pulled her close to me. “I wasn’t going to touch you. I just watched you laugh at my stupid jokes and really listen to me as you took it all in. I could see how much life that you had in your eyes. I was jealous. That died years ago for me, Elsa. I gave up on trying to find my spark, and there you were wanting to see everything, do everything.”
“I wanted you from the beginning. I wanted to know everything that you’d seen,” Elsa told me as I kissed her hair. “Why do you want to die?” She was crying, and I stroked her through her shirt. “Why would you take me if you were just going to abandon me?”
“I didn’t want you out there with anyone else. I didn’t want you in this world; this fucked up world alone. I don’t know, Elsa. I was stunned when you told me that you wanted to go with me, and suddenly we’re in the car together. I decided that I’d see this through with you, but I didn’t intend for anything to happen between us at all, but I wanted to keep you safe.”
“You made it wonderful. You showed me such beautiful places and made me feel justified in enjoying it,” Elsa told me as I chuckled and held her closer. “I don’t want to lose you, Aidan.”
“The guys I knew…they have the same cancer that I do. We all got it from exposure to a chemical during a search. All different ages and situations, Elsa. They don’t deserve that.”
“Why do you think that you do?” Elsa asked, and I closed my eyes as tears slid down my cheeks. “Why, Aidan? Nobody feels that except for you. Don’t you see that? Her parents want your happiness and so would your wife.”
“I don’t know anymore, Elsa. The guys have been sending me texts and calling me this whole time. I shut down for a while once we all knew to make my decision. I turned everybody away.” I took a deep breath. “They’re getting the treatment for it. It’s like chemo on steroids.” I felt her pull back, and I looked at her. “That means nothing to you, Elsa. I’m sorry.” I explained cancer, chemo and radiation to her as she nodded and focused on my words. “My aunt died from breast cancer, and I watched her do the chemo and the radiation. I watched her waste away to nothing, so sick that she couldn’t even enjoy her final days. I swore that I’d never let that happen to me the day that she died. She weighed under one hundred pounds, Elsa.” I pulled her close again. “My treatment is stronger, Elsa. It could be so much worse.”
“So what? You’re so young, Aidan. You deserve to fight for yourself, for me.” Elsa wept as she spoke and threw her arms around my neck. I heard her whisper that she loved me as I closed my eyes.
“I want to, now. I never did before I met you,” I admitted as Elsa pulled away and found my lips with hers. We were both crying and sloppy, but I cherished the feel of her mouth against mine.
“I will fight with you. I’ll stay by your side, Aidan. I won’t leave you, Aidan,” Elsa promised me before she kissed me again. I held her close and let her warmth take me over as a faint beat of hope filled my heartbeat. I wanted to stay here for her. I wanted life.
CHAPTER 33
Elsa
I could feel that something heavy was in the air. We drove into a tiny little town that he told me was in Arizona. I knew that it was close to the Grand Canyon, but I also assumed that the last woman that he wanted to speak to was here as well. There was something worse about this visit that he wasn’t telling me and I gave him a long look as we pulled into a hotel parking lot. It was a smaller yellow building and very sweet looking. I got out of the car with him, if only to hold his hand. I didn’t want to be away from him in case the cold facade that he put on crumbled around him.
It had to. I couldn’t take this for much longer.
Aidan did the same thing that he’d done at every other hotel, but he was tense as the clerk gave him a card for the room. Aidan looked down, and I swore that he sighed as he saw the number and took his credit card before he slid it into his wallet. We walked to the car and got our bags just as we always did. I looked around and thought to myself how pretty this little town was. I wondered what it meant to him.
The day was quiet as he unlocked the door and pushed it open for me. I knew inside of my heart that Aidan had partly chosen this place for me even though it was plain to see that he’d been here before. The bed had a sweet canopy in soft white lace that hung down around every corner. The covers were floral in shades of pink and purple and a soft green and I kept looking around to see a nice table and a door that led outside. There was a door that was open, and I walked inside to see a big bathroom with a large circular bathtub in the center.
It looked so pretty and fancy, and I felt again that he tried to please me even when he was so lost in himself. I took some clothes into the bathroom and washed up before I pulled on the soft jeans and light purple button up shirt. I felt that we were going somewhere by the way that he was perched on the edge of the bed and changing channels every few seconds as he tapped his foot. “Can you take a walk with me?” I nodded. We left and went to the car as I wondered where we were going to go walking as he opened my door.
“The train station is nearby. I thought we’d take it to the Grand Canyon so you could enjoy the view. Take a break from driving so much. It’s a couple of hours by train.” I nodded as Aidan spoke softly and pulled out of the small parking lot and down the road.
“That sounds real nice,” I told him as he nodded and took a slow breath.
He pulled off of the road, and I noticed a small cemetery to the right of the car. Maybe he had family buried here that he needed to pay his respects to before I met the last woman. That would make sense if we were already here and it might even explain his intensity right now. Aidan got out of the car and opened my door before he took my hand and led me through the open iron gate and over the grassy hills. I looked as we walked and read the names and figured out the ages of the people buried here as sadness filled me.
In my community, our cemeteries weren’t as pretty as this one was and it was small. Our stones just had the name, birth date and death d
ate for the adults and sometimes nothing for the poor children that died too young. We kept written record of such information, at the church in a file. Nothing was entered into a computer, and I read the headstone of a baby that was shaped like a heart and even had a picture of the little brown haired girl. It was beautiful but so sad.
I wondered what the ceremony was like. Did they bury them with witnesses as we did? These graves had flowers and other items on them while ours were always plain. I’d been to my grandparent’s before, and all that anyone did was talk to the person and pay their respects.
Aidan paused, and I watched as he read a stone with heavy eyes. I turned to look at it and read the name with a frown. Marion Wolcott. That was Aidan’s name, but he’d told me that his mother was still living. Maybe this was someone else from his family. “This is the last person that I needed to see.”
The stone was pretty with flowers etched on it and what looked like a poem. I read the dates and realized how young she was when she died. I stared at him with wide eyes as he pressed his lips together. Aidan told me that Marion was his wife for two years. She was the one woman that he’d committed to after some time with the Army.
“What happened to her?” I asked him as I wrapped my arms around his waist. He was shaking and upset, and I realized how much he’d loved her.
He told me that it was the medicine that killed her. His voice shook when he told me that it was prescription medicine, and I remembered his reaction at Angela’s house when Adam had confronted him. He had been so adamant that he only took them for pain and the pieces started to fall into place for me.
“What pills?” I asked as I held him tighter. I sensed that the collapse was coming, and I prepared myself as I closed my eyes.
Aidan started telling me that he suffered something called post-traumatic stress from the army. I’d never heard of anything like that before. We handled almost everything at home with faith. Aidan explained that the medicine helped him through the days and sleep. He told me that he’d been the same way with his wife that he had been with me during the car ride. Aidan told me that he hid things inside a lot and tried to act strong when he wasn’t feeling that way. He did that with Marion as well.
My heart broke when he explained that she started to drink wine. I had gotten the impression that it was a casual interest from the night I’d had it, but when Aidan said that she drank more and more as time went by, I felt the tears in my eyes. I felt his pain, and I felt hers as my heart broke and I held him closer to me.
When he told me that he’d found her unconscious in the kitchen with glass and pills around her, I knew that was when she’d died.
When he dropped to the grass and started sobbing, I knew how much pain his heart and mind were in. I dropped beside him and tried to comfort him the best I could as he cried and released everything that he’d been holding in. Aidan told his wife everything that he didn’t have time to say before she died and I slumped down beside him and cried with him.
He spoke of her family and the guilt that he felt for them, and I realized that Aidan hated himself in some ways, many ways. He didn’t see himself as worthy, and he would never find his inner peace if he didn’t let this out. I heard his voice break and felt him shaking as I touched him to remind him that I was there for him.
I felt honored that he wanted me here with him at all. All of the pushing away that he’d been doing during the drive here made some sense now, and I rested my face against his body as he continued to cry and apologize.
There were so many apologies. I learned more about what he’d been suffering from inside of his head and how he reacted to the bad things that he’d seen. He talked about losing his best friend. He wasn’t even planning on returning to the Army if he could help it once he was married but once she was gone, he’d run back. That was when he’d lost Joe and some other friends and suffered the damage to his body.
Aidan would always have the mental and physical scars to remind him of everything that happened. He talked of men in his group that wanted him to take care of himself.
It was all coming out in a rush, but I felt every aspect of his Iain. I [prayed as he spoke and held on tight before we heard someone say his name.
Aidan jumped and turned around with a gasp as I was tossed to the side. It was a woman with brown hair a few years older than Mama. She seemed surprised to see him as she placed the flowers into the grave in a vase of sorts and fussed over them for a moment as she asked what he was doing in Arizona. He stood and placed his hand on his heart, and I joined him as my arms fell helplessly to my side.
Aidan called her Kathy, and she seemed very considerate towards him. She spoke of seeing him in so much pain and understood why he was taking the pills. They helped him. She was Marion’s mother and visiting her grave with the pretty pink tulips. My favorite.
I couldn’t help but think of all of the flowers that he’d given me, flowers that I’d had to throw away after they all died. I couldn’t help but hold on to that Aidan that cared for me so much as he fell apart all over again.
My heart pounded as she told him that what happened was the fault of his wife. How could a parent say that? She said that she didn’t talk to her daughter about anything and that she hid everything inside as well. Why would a girl not talk to a woman like this? It made me think of my own Mama and how much I loved to talk to her, even if it was about small things. I longed to go back and tell her all of my thoughts as emotion filled me and I wiped at the tears on my face. I knew that it wasn’t the Amish way, but I missed her so much at this moment, both her and Daddy.
When Aidan told her that he just wanted to talk to Marion, she explained that she did talk to her. She expressed every emotion to Marion even though he father was more reserved with the painful circumstances. I cried as he asked if Marion’s father hated him. Of course, she told him no and for the first time, she looked me over with a warm gaze.
I was happy when she told him that she wanted him to move on, along with her husband and daughter. They just wanted to see him happy. Aidan deserved that.
I was surprised when she hugged me and told me to take care of Aidan. There wasn’t a bone in her body that hated Aidan like he seemed to want everybody to do. I prayed that he would understand that as she walked away and I slowly looked up at him. He’d touched my back as he told her that he was trying to move on, and now his hand was gripping mine tightly.
“That was a surprise,” Aidan spoke, and I could hear the shock in his voice.
I could tell by his reaction, and I squeezed his hand. “Do you feel better?”
He told me that he never thought deep down that they blamed him. His own mind told him that on his worst days. I was happy to hear that he admitted it did help him and take some weight off of his shoulders.
My heart dropped when he gave me a serious look and told me that he still wanted to talk to me here, along with Marion. He asked if I minded staying for a while and I focused on the nickname that he used with his wife for a fleeting second. I wanted one of those.
I looked around and asked him if he was sure that he wanted to stay here, and he firmly nodded. We found a spot in some grass near a tree by Marion’s grave, and he took a deep breath as he looked around.
Aidan jumped right in by saying that he wasn’t returning to the military as he’d been telling me all along. I realized that everyone that we’d seen along the way was under the same impression as far as I knew and I stared at him. My heart broke when he admitted that he wasn’t going to tell anybody about it, and when his voice faded off, anger took effect as my eyes flashed.
“Disappear?” My voice rose in pain as I accused him of spending these days with me, days that were so important in my life and then just leave me behind.
I thought that we were making some headway here. I thought that we meant something to each other even when I was trying to convince myself that it was just casual for him. Casual didn’t mean abandonment in my mind. He started to cry as he told me that he wa
s going to hell, and I wanted to slap him for his words, but I lifted my hands to my face and resisted biting them.
That was a terrible word. I was raised to believe in God and all of his power. I was raised that we would all end up in a nice place after this, taken care of. Why would Aidan think that he deserved to be in hell? Why would he think he’s so bad when his former mother in law just forgave him in my presence?
He reached a hand out, and his shoulders slumped as he apologized, at least in part. I could tell that whatever he was going to say next was painful for Aidan, and I braced myself for the worst.
I had no idea what the worst could be.
Tears slipped down his cheeks as he admitted that he was dying. Aidan was twenty-six and a healthy looking man, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around his admission. “I’d given him everything that I had to give, and he was going to die. I didn’t know whether or not to be heartbroken, angry at him for not telling me or both. He told me of his plans to say goodbye to everyone without admitting the truth. He accepted his impending death and even welcomed it.
When he mentioned ending up at my house, I felt guilty that fate had intercepted his plans. I slid my arms around him and held him tight as his body shook with sobs and he talked about seeing me for the first time. He spoke about respecting me because I was different than the others and told me that he was going to push away his desire for me based on that.
He told me that he admired my need for life, and I wept with him as I told him that I wanted him the moment that I saw him. He kissed my hair, and I clutched him tighter. I told him that I wanted to know everything about his complex life before I demanded to know why he wanted to die in an angry voice. I whimpered when I asked him why he even brought me along with him at all.
Aidan told me that he didn’t want me out in the real world alone. He didn’t bring me to have sex with me, but to keep an eye on me and make sure that I was safe. Why would a man like that want to die?
