by Naomi Niles
My family ate and listened as they started talking about cancer and the treatment, and I stared into Aidan’s face as I waited for anger. They all expressed hope, and I saw the smile on his face as he nodded in between bites of food. My mama had gone above and beyond tonight with platters of roast and chicken along with fresh vegetables. There were various kinds bread and fresh fruit as well, and I thanked with a look as she gazed back at me. Daddy told them to speak openly as they gave each other hesitant glances and the sweet looking blonde man at the end cleared his throat. His name was Devin, and he talked about being just twenty-two years old with a deadly disease. More than that, though, he spoke of how much he’d changed from his friends in school and that he couldn’t relate to people his age any longer. He didn’t feel like he belonged.
After he went into the Army and discovered that he was ill, Devin found himself in some volatile relationships as well as a period of alcoholism. Even though he was so young, Devin had seen the damage to his life and found himself relying on the men in his unit for support. They symbolized both brothers and fathers to him since his mother raised him all on her own. His voice shook as he told all of us how devastated she was by everything that was happening. I saw my own mother raise her hand to her eyes as he finished and I smiled at her.
The next man was older and relayed to us how he’d lost his wife and children from Post-traumatic stress disorder and the unstable moods that it caused. His ex-wife claimed that he struck their five-year-old across the face in a fit of anger, though Andrew had no recollection of it. He had watched her pack them and leave before he started drinking and trying to escape his bitter reality. That only worsened when he discovered that he was ill, and Andrew sank lower into depression before his brother finally talked some sense into him. Now he was seeing his kids on a more regular basis when he wasn’t in treatment, and while they were going to stay divorced, he and his ex-wife were cordial again.
Another man that was just a few years older than Aidan had entered anger management classes when he started getting into too many bar fights after he came home. It was the only way that his emotions came out thanks to a father that was abusive to him when he was younger. I was stunned at how many things the PT SD caused in these men and I wondered if there was anything that could be done to get help before it got this bad. I thought back to the cemetery and Aidan shaking before me as he told all of his regrets to his dead wife and shuddered as he squeezed my hand. I knew that they were all receiving medical care now and were at least well on the way to being much better, but the idea that they had suffered so badly at all was terrible to think about.
The oldest man in the group was in his late forties, and it was clear that they all looked up to him. He admitted in a subtle manner that he’d attempted suicide shortly after coming home though in a respectful manner as he bowed his head. He had two grown children now that had to deal with the fact that he wanted to end his life, and I felt myself choke up at the idea of my father being that way.
The stories all had the same theme of heartbreak and pain, but I could see that they’d risen above it and were on the way to healing. They were trying to survive, and I looked at Aidan as he stared at all of them. They each told him in their own way to let go of regrets and pain from his past and to move forward, that life was worth living.
Aidan’s voice was clear when he told them that he’d lost two relationships along the way, and I pressed my lips together as I listened. He didn’t tell it in the detail that I’d heard, but when he admitted that his wife overdosed on his medicine, I could hear my mother’s intake of breath. I reminded myself that they were told to speak openly and that it made him a better man in my eyes before I looked at my parents and saw the pain in their eyes. Adam looked at me with regret and shook his head as I gave him a small smile.
After we’d eaten our fill of the plentiful food, my father cleared his throat and looked around the table. “Would any of you mind if I said a prayer?”
This would normally bother me in the presence of Aidan and is friends but tonight it made me want to cry. I had clasped Aidan’s hand and that of my brother before I heard her family pray for Aidan and his unit. They prayed for their recovery and strength from the Lord, and I felt tears on my cheeks as I listened. At this moment, my family was accepting Aidan and had forgiven us leaving so abruptly before. They wanted him to be well, and I knew that they weren’t going to ask us to leave.
The men all walked outside to talk after supper, and I helped Mama in the kitchen. “Those boys broke my heart, Elsa.”
“Mine too,” I said as I helped to wash the dishes while I glanced out of the window from time to time. “They could sure eat, though, couldn’t they?”
“I haven’t fed that many people on my own in a long time. It’s always a group effort with the women here,” Mama shook her head and smiled. “I liked it. I know they’re not Amish, but they’re good boys.” She looked at me. “Were you safe? Adam left here in a fit to find you. I was worried about both of you and your Daddy spent so much time working out in the fields.”
“I had to go, Mama. I had to see something else,” I told her as she nodded slowly. “I was so safe. He wouldn’t let me get hurt, and he made it a wonderful trip. I saw Gettysburg, Mama. I went to the Grand Canyon and saw so many sights with Aidan.” I told her how we were out to see people that he initially wanted to say goodbye to before he’d chosen to fight his cancer. “The world is beautiful even with all of what we heard tonight. You know that, don’t you?”
“I suppose so, Elsa. I never wanted that for myself, but you’ve always been a dreamer, haven’t you?” Mama looked at me as we finished the last dish. “You’re not coming back to stay, are you?”
“No, I’m not. I want to be with Aidan.” She nodded and looked over my dress.
“You look very pretty. I know that some of the girls dress much worse than that when they’re gone.”
“I am still the same person, Mama. The only difference is that I’m in love with Aidan. I am only looking to be with him, not to be away from my upbringing. We respect your wishes about that if you want us to stay in town. I do want him to see a doctor locally though because I need you all with me.” I looked at her. “You didn’t enjoy your Rumspringa, did you?”
“I saw what was out there, but my heart belongs here. I was happy to come back, and then I married your father, and I have been happy ever since then.” She smiled at me. “I knew that you cared for Aidan the moment you two were in the same room. I worried about the differences that were so clear but now I see that he’s a good man. He’ll take care of you. What are your plans?”
“Mama, we are just going to focus on getting him better for now. I want to marry him more than anything after that.”
“We won’t let him sleep in the house, of course. There is the barn, though. I know it might be different than what you’re used to.” Mama glanced at me.
“Mama, I will never be with any man other than Aidan. He’s kind to me. He never hurt me,” I told her as she nodded and looked out the window.
“I know.” She looked at my father as he stood before all of them. “Look at him.”
“Daddy is a great man,” I said as I let my eyes move to Aidan as he glanced towards the window.
After I had finished with the chores, I dried my hands and walked outside. Aidan and his friends were talking about the hotel that they had in town, and I looked at him as I stood by his side. “Do you want to go there?” Aidan asked me softly as I looked at Daddy.
“You’re welcome to the barn, Aidan. I would like to keep Elsa nearby for as long as I can have her and I know she wants to be where you are,” Daddy said as Aidan looked at him. “We would like to continue praying for you as well. The whole community wants to pray for you.”
“That’s very kind, sir.” Aidan took my hand, and I watched as Daddy looked at us with a warm gaze.
We bid his friends goodnight as they drove back to their hotel with an agreement to meet them
for lunch after the appointment the following day before they returned home. My family disappeared inside, and I walked with Aidan to the barn as he set his bag down and looked around. “Do you remember last time that we were in here?”
“All too well. I was a nervous wreck,” I replied as I walked to greet the horses. They shuffled around as they leaned up to get a good pet and I smiled at them. “I missed you guys.” I walked back and sat beside him. “I am going to honor my family, Aidan. I am going to honor them while we’re here. Do you understand?”
“Of course, Elsa. From what the guys tell me, I am not going to be up for much of anything once I start the treatment. They all go through two full days of chemo, and it wipes them out for the week. I won’t be worried about any of that as long as you’re by my side. That’s all I want.” He stared at me, and I nodded. “I am scared, Elsa.”
“I am too, Aidan. We can get through this together,” I assured him as I stayed with him until he was falling asleep. I went back into the house, to my old room where I lay in my bed and cried for my lover.
CHAPTER 38
Aidan
The next morning, I ate breakfast with Elsa and her family. I missed her sleeping last night, though my dreams were plagued with my death and watching her suffer through it. I knew that he would want to respect their rules, but I just wanted her to lay beside me. We left for the doctor after that, and I looked at the pretty pink dress that she wore with sandals as I opened the car door for her. I replayed the prayer that her family had said for me before the meal and tears sprung to my eyes. “I missed you like hell last night, Elsa. I missed you but your family is doing right by me, and I am grateful to them.”
“I missed you too. I tossed and turned all night missing your arms around me, Aidan. I can’t stand a night without you.”
I started the engine and listened to the engine for a moment as I stared forward. We both felt the same way, but we had to see this through the best way that we knew how. We drove together to the doctors, and I saw my friends there in front of the office to support me. Elsa went in with me, and I sat in the waiting room and held her hand as I waited for my name to be called.
This was too real. I had cancer and an aggressive form from what my friends were telling me. They were healing with the treatment, but it was hard for them. Today, they were here feeling weak and tired, but they would do this to support me. I was called back, and we walked hand in hand until I got to the part where I was weighed, and my vitals were taken by the nurse. Elsa sat in the chair next to me as I eased myself on the end of the bed and answered the questions that I was being asked.
Yes, I had been coughing more in the last few weeks, and it was painful. I had been feeling more tired, particularly after going to The Grand Canyon. I avoided Elsa’s eyes when I said that because I knew that she would feel bad but I had to be honest. I was having progressively worse headaches and breathing issues more and more now.
Elsa stared at me with wide eyes as I spoke and tears slipped down her cheeks. The doctor had looked at my previous x-rays before he decided on new ones and Elsa sat in his office as she waited for me, sipping from a soda. She looked pale when I walked back inside of the office and sat down, and the doctor looked across the room at me. “I have them already, thanks to modern technology. We can go over the results if you’re okay with that.”
“I am.” I took her hand and held it tight.
“There’s been progress since your last x-ray, Aidan. I’d like to start the treatment as soon as two days from now.” My heart sank as I stared at him. “It’s aggressive. Instead of coming in once a week for a few hours, we can do it from your home for your comfort.”
“How long do I need to do it for?” My voice was soft as I looked at Elsa.
“The treatments are going to be ten hours two days a week. I know it’s extreme, Aidan. We just need to treat this as fast as we can for you to have a chance.” Doctor Ellison told me as his brown eyes warmed. “Do you have a comfortable place to stay during this treatment?”
“Yes, he does,” Elsa said as she stared at him. “I am going to be there got every moment with him, Doctor.”
We continued talking, and I discovered that the treatment could be as long as three months, depending on my results. Three months of feeling sick and watching Elsa take care of me was a lot to think about, but I nodded my head slowly. She was worth this and my life would be better in the long run.
We made the arrangements for the first round and left the office as the guys surrounded me. They told us that it sounded very standard, but they felt better within month or so of starting the treatment. They urged me to move forward with it, and I nodded as we walked across the street for lunch. I didn’t know how well I’d be eating after this, and the doctor was already concerned with my rapid ten-pound weight loss. I should be gaining with the way I was eating on our trip.
We had hamburgers and fries as my friends got to know Elsa. As upset as she’d been inside of the office, she was a ray of sunshine right now, and they all fell under her natural charm. She was just a naturally positive person for others and Elsa held onto everything they told her that offered me hope. She listened intently and even made notes of some items on a notepad that she carried with her to the office. Elsa didn’t use her phone as much now that she was home, and I figured that it was because she was with her family again. I still saw her watching movies sometimes and looking at pictures when we were in the barn or the car, but she put it away at home. Today, she was researching cancer as we drove back and reading statistics out loud to me as I let the reality sink in. They were useful, but fear was a lump in my stomach as we headed to the farm and I parked the car.
Her father stepped out of the barn and walked towards us as Elsa left the car. She hugged him, and they spoke closely for a moment before he looked over at me. He stepped into the house and Elsa pushed her hair back over her shoulder before she walked over to me and opened my door. “Baby?”
“Yeah?” I felt numb inside and remembered why I was running away before.
“We’re going to make you a room inside so you’ll be comfortable. Someone will always be with you inside, and you’ll be well cared for, Aidan.” I nodded, and she dropped to the grass beside me. “Are you with me, Aidan?”
“Yeah, I am. I’m just worried,” I told her as I looked over at her. She was still upset, but she forced a smile on her face as I stroked her hair. “Will you stay with me?”
“Baby, you know that I will.” She leaned forward and kissed me softly as I closed my eyes and breathed her in. “Come on. Let’s get you settled.” I got out of the car and followed her into the house and an extra room that was simple with a mattress and a nightstand. Elsa brought my bag inside and set it down on the floor as I sat on the full-size bed and looked around.
“Is this what your room looks like?” I asked her as she sat beside me and smiled.
“Pretty much, yes. Very simple, but I have a good view from my window,” Elsa smiled at me as I laughed weakly and rested my head in my hands. “This isn’t forever, Aidan.”
“I know,” I told her as I sat beside her and took her hand. “You’re my strength, Elsa. You’re my light at the end of the tunnel. I am not going to be cheerful every moment of this process, but I will try my best. Does that work for you?”
“It does.” She sat in silence for a moment. “This isn’t a normal relationship, is it?” I couldn’t help but laugh at her. She joined in, and I started to wheeze as her face fell and she stared at me.
“Anything but that but I wouldn’t change it. We were brought together this way. We’ll find a way to get through this.” I smiled at her and memorized her beautiful smile.
I was at the table for supper but didn’t eat too much. I was powerless to stop the mental effects of this disease, and I excused myself to go to my room before the meal was over. I appreciated the prayers that everyone was saying for me and it surprised me when Elsa’s best friend and her family stopped by to say one b
efore supper time. I knew that Elsa was trying to balance things and would help her mother clean, but I soon felt her hand on my arm as she sat on the bed beside me. We ended up falling asleep thwart way watching a movie on my phone, something that she’d worked out with her family. They allowed me my entertainment while I was here recovering, particularly during the chemo and had given me the only room with a plug for emergencies. I woke up in the morning as I heard the family in the dining room and Elsa poked her head into my room. “Are you hungry?”
“A bit. I’ll get up, Elsa. I will be stuck in here beginning tomorrow morning so I should move e as much as I can.” I was dressed in some sweats and an oversized t-shirt, and I felt her eying me as I moved towards her. “Like what you see?”
“I love what I see.” She kissed me, and we made our way to the dining room where I managed to eat some eggs and fruit before I felt my energy drain. She watched as I went back into the room to sleep and I fell onto the bed in frustration. I was thankful that we had our time together on the trip and that I was healthy enough to enjoy it and more importantly, remember it all. I needed that just in case this plan didn’t end up working out. Adam’s fiancée stopped by with her family and said heartfelt prayers for me in the living area of the house as I listened, and Elsa thanked them for the food.
She came inside the room after supper, one that I chose to skip and turned towards me on the bed. “It hit fast, didn’t it?”
“I am just glad that we had our time together,” I told her as she smiled weakly.
