“Dad’s not here.” Jared’s voice broke as he fought to keep his calm.
Claire crossed her arms. “Obviously, Jared, or you wouldn’t be insisting on going through with this. You’ve gone against everything Dad taught us, hours after he died. I tried to tell you, but you won’t listen….”
“You can go, now, Claire,” Jared snarled.
Claire’s stoic expression faltered at her brother’s stern tone. “Fine. Cynthia is waiting at Andrews. Maybe she can stop this before it gets too far.” Claire shoved herself away from the table, grabbing her keys and motorcycle helmet. I cringed when she slammed the door behind her as she left.
The force of the door crashing into the door jamb caused the shelves on the walls to tremble. I peered over at Jared, whose jaws worked under his skin.
“So she knows about us, so what?” I said, squeezing his hand.
Jared didn’t answer right away, and I could tell that he was trying to calm down before he spoke.
“This…complicates things,” he said in a low tone. “We should get you back. The longer she has to wait the more difficult it will be.”
I stood and shook my head. “Have I missed something here? This is my mother we’re talking about, right? Why are you so nervous?”
Jared took our plates to the sink and then went directly to the coat stand.
He held out my coat and tried to smile, but it resulted in a twisted, pained expression. “Ready?”
Nodding, I twisted into my coat. I was glad when he took my hand and held it until we reached his SUV, and even more pleased that he didn’t release it for the entire drive to Brown, but he didn’t speak a word until we reached Andrews.
He put the Escalade in park and looked straight ahead, releasing my hand to grip his steering wheel.
“Aren’t you coming in?” I asked.
Jared shook his head. “I’m the last person she wants to see.”
“O…Okay,” I said, unsure of what to make of his behavior. Jared had admitted to standing up to my father once, but he wouldn’t face my mother.
I reached for the door, but Jared grabbed my arm and pulled me to him with worry in his eyes. His hands cupped my face and he pressed his lips against mine with a sense of urgency. When he finally released me from the kiss, he leaned his forehead against mine, closing his eyes.
“You act like you’re never going to see me again,” I said, suddenly nervous.
“I can’t ask you to go against your mother’s wishes, Nina.”
I laughed once in surprise. “You think she’s going to tell me to stay away from you?”
“That’s exactly what she’s going to do.”
I shook my head. “You should know my mother has a poor track record for changing my mind. Even she knows it.”
“She seldom fails to get her way. Just…don’t listen to her.”
“Her tricks work on everyone but me. I’m not going anywhere.”
One corner of his mouth turned up, but it seemed contrived.
“I’ll call you later, okay?” I ran my fingers through the sides of his hair, and he pressed his forehead against mine once again.
“Okay,” he whispered.
The Escalade stood motionless until I was inside the building, and then it slowly pull away.
Knowing he would be listening, I hurried to my room. I was anxious to calm the storms in Jared’s eyes, even if that meant going toe to toe with Cynthia Grey.
I opened the door and froze. Cynthia stood in the middle of the room, her arms crossed, prepared for confrontation. Beth twisted around in her desk chair, meeting my eyes with a sympathetic expression.
“I think I’m going to grab some coffee. Would either of you like me to bring you something ba—,”
“No thank you,” Cynthia interrupted. She must have been far beyond anger; she was never cross enough to be so rude.
“I’ll take some, Beth, thanks,” I said, making a show of appreciation. Beth nodded and grabbed her coat, rushing out the door.
“Where were you last night?” Cynthia demanded.
“You know perfectly well where I was,” I said, mimicking the set of her chin.
This took her off-guard. Cynthia typically relied on the element of surprise.
She recovered quickly. “You can’t get involved with Jared, Nina. You don’t know anything about him, trust me.”
“I know enough, Mother.” I sat on Beth’s bed and looked to the floor. I would have to choose my words carefully.
Cynthia reared her head and stepped in front of me. “Nina Elizabeth, it’s too dangerous. I know you think you know him, but you don’t.”
I laughed once. “If he’s dangerous then why is he being paid to protect me?”
Cynthia’s mouth flew open. “That arrangement was between him and your father. You’re not listening. He’s not dangerous to you. It’s dangerous for you to be…to become…involved with him. He has just as many enemies as your father.”
“I know what I’m doing.”
“Do you?” she asked. “Do you know what you’re getting yourself into? I don’t think you have the slightest idea of where this could lead or the choices you’ll have to make. I don’t think he’s thought this through, either, or he wouldn’t have done this. Maybe not, maybe he’s too selfish to care—,”
“Selfish?” I shrieked. “How can you say that about him? After what we’ve put him and his family through, Mother?”
“Is that what this is about? Guilt?” Cynthia paced the room, arms still crossed.
“No!” I gasped. “It’s nothing like that,” I said, embarrassed that Jared could hear her words.
She closed her eyes and sighed. “Nina…please. I’m begging you. You know that I want you to be happy…but this — this is not going to end well,” her voice was quiet.
I smiled. “Does anything end well?”
Cynthia heaved her usual resigned sigh, but this time it was different. It was the same she used in the seldom event that she lost an argument to Jack.
“I wish this one time, Baby, that you would listen to what I’m trying to tell you. The last few months have been the culmination of every fear I’ve ever had.”
I had been unaffected by my mother’s infamous guilt trips since I was thirteen, but now that she’d used Jack’s death, I couldn’t break free of the blame. She had never wanted me to find out the truth, and I imagined that it was the one thing she wanted to remain unchanged after we lost my father.
When I thought of her dishonesty and how she’d kept secrets about Jack and Gabe and the Ryels from me for years, the guilt turned to anger.
“You can’t tell me how to feel,” I glowered.
“It’s not too late, Nina. You can save yourself,” she said, lifting my chin. Her uncharacteristically soft affection caught me off guard, but I was resolved.
I pulled away from her. “I don’t need to be saved from Jared.”
Cynthia sucked in a sharp breath and pinched her nose with her thumb and finger. “Nina….”
I could see that she was finished. She had pulled every trick from her bag and laid her cards on the table. I felt triumphant as I imagined Jared smiling at my words.
Beth returned, then, sitting beside me on her bed. “Hazelnut and Splenda,” she smiled, handing me a Styrofoam cup.
“Thanks, Beth.”
Cynthia looked at me, exasperated. “I’m going home now. Please think about what I said. It’s important.”
“I will.” I tried to conceal my relief at her departure.
Beth closed the door and then turned to me. “Did she just give you the sex talk?”
“What? No!” I twisted my face in disgust. The thought of discussing my sex life with my mother made my stomach turn, and Beth clearly had the wrong idea about several things.
“You stayed with him last night?” The corners of her mouth turned up in an enthusiastic grin.
“Yes, but I fell asleep. It wasn’t like that.”
“Oh. Well, did
you have a good time?” she asked, deflated.
“We went to his loft, he cooked—“
“He cooked?” Beth interrupted.
I nodded. “He brought me flowers and there were candles everywhere. We talked for hours, into the morning.”
Beth pulled her knees up to her chest. “Wow. I told you he was in love with you. I have a sixth sense about these things.”
“You’re amazing,” I granted.
“Thanks for noticing,” she said. Her eyes narrowed with her grin. “When are you going to see him again?”
“Later today, I hope. Our morning was sort of cut short.”
“Cynthia,” she said. I nodded my head and she stood up, gathering her things.
“I’m going to the hospital with Chad and Tucker in an hour. Do you have time before you meet back up with Jared?”
“Yes,” I said, deciding in the moment.
Beth dialed her cell phone, calling Chad to let him know that I would be tagging along. Quickly after he answered, her voice lowered. She tried to be vague, but I could tell Chad, Tucker, or both, had a problem with me going. Beth won in the end, and she turned to me and winked.
I was relieved to arrive at the hospital; Tucker and Chad didn’t seem angry with me, but there was an obvious air of tension in Chad’s jeep. I wasn’t sure what all the apprehension meant until we arrived at Ryan’s new room in PCCU.
Ryan didn’t look happy to see me. In fact, he behaved as if my very presence was an insult.
He wasted no time before he pounced. “So how was your date?” he sneered.
“I thought you didn’t want to hear about it.” My answer was automatic and venomous. I hadn’t intended to sound defensive, but his spiteful attitude took me by surprise.
“That was before Beth called everyone looking for you at three in the morning. It went that well, huh?” he bristled.
I looked over at Chad and Tucker; this is what they were worried about.
Beth looked at Chad with an angry glare, and he shot her an apologetic smile.
“It wasn’t me, Babe!” he shrugged.
“Who was it?” she snarled.
Ryan rolled his eyes. “It was Josh. What does it matter?”
Beth stomped to my side of the room in protest, crossing her arms.
“What business is it of Josh’s?” I said. “If everyone’s so worried about me upsetting you, why do they keep passing on my business?” I was being entirely too defensive, but I was still raw from my earlier encounter with Cynthia.
“Maybe they want me to talk some sense into you.”
“Or is it because you’re making everyone think they have to choose sides?” I narrowed my eyes and mimicked Beth’s crossed arms. We must have looked ridiculous side by side; the Prom Queen Mafia.
“There are no sides.” Ryan’s nose wrinkled at my words.
“Really?” I raised an eyebrow. My eyes darted to Chad and Tucker standing on one side of the room, and then at Beth beside me. “It sure seems like it to me.”
Ryan ground his teeth and looked out the window, clearly too angry to continue.
I sighed. “If you’d just give him a chance.”
Ryan sucked in a sharp breath, readying himself to really let me have it, but he cringed and grabbed his bandaged wound, letting out a muffled grunt instead.
“Ryan…” I groaned, reaching for him. The pain in his face sent guilt burning through me. I took a step closer to his bed.
“Just go, Nina. Just…go,” he said with his eyes clinched shut.
I wanted to apologize, but nothing could make it right. I would never be sorry for being with Jared, and that was my only crime in Ryan’s eyes.
I trudged to the waiting room without another word. My perfect morning had transformed into an abysmal day.
Beth, Chad and Tucker returned after half an hour, and we walked to the jeep in silence. I tried to find solace in their conversation on the way back to campus, discussing Ryan’s improvement, his possible early release, and the funny stories they were trying to cheer him up with, but nothing helped. I was considered the scarlet letter when I had done nothing wrong.
As we pulled into the campus parking lot, my cell phone buzzed. The display lit up and Ryan’s name and number scrolled across the screen. I clambered from Chad’s jeep and pressed the phone to my ear.
“I’m sorry, Nina,” he blurted out apologetically. “You were right; it’s no one’s business. I just didn’t expect…I don’t know what I expected.”
“It’s not what you think. I just fell asleep,” I explained.
“We’re friends, right, Nina?” he said. My insides wrenched at the exhausted sadness in his voice.
I covered my eyes with my hand. “Of course we are. I hate it that you’re mad at me.”
“I have no right to be. I just need to know that I didn’t ruin everything.”
Ruin everything? He was lying in a hospital bed healing from a wound that I could have prevented. The guilt was unbearable.
“I’m sorry,” I choked out.
“I’m a jealous idiot, Nina. Just…promise me you’ll come back. I won’t be a jerk again, I swear.” His voice bordered on begging, and I was desperate to take away his regret.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Beth smiled after watching me stuff my cell phone into my purse. “I’m glad you two got it worked out.”
“Me, too,” I sighed.
Once in my room, I dialed Jared’s number. The tone repeated over and over in my ear and I was caught off-guard when the voicemail prompt beeped in my ear.
“H-hey, Jared,” I stuttered. I had fully expected him to answer. “It’s Nina. I’m back from the hospital and just thought I’d give you a call. Talk to you soon.”
After two hours, I became suspicious when I hadn’t heard from him. He had been so anxious about the outcome of my mother’s visit that I couldn’t imagine why he’d wait so long to return my call. It didn’t help when I realized he had probably heard my message in real-time the second I’d left it.
Just as I had lost the fight to keep from calling him a second time, there was a knock at the door.
“Happy Saturday, ladies,” Kim said, bursting in.
“Hey Kim,” I said, disappointed.
“Well. I love you, too.”
“She was expecting Jared,” Beth explained.
“I heard the date went well.” Kim raised her eyebrows repeatedly.
“I fell asleep. He slept on the couch.”
Kim wrinkled her nose. “Bummer.” She immediately turned her attention to Beth. “What are we doing tonight?”
“Oh…Chad is taking me out. Sorry,” Beth said, not sounding the least bit sorry.
Kim smiled. “Oh well, maybe you can have a more interesting time than Naughty Nina over there.”
I stiffened, knowing that Jared or Claire could hear everything. I felt the blush span from collar bone to crown.
“Whoa! Just kidding, Nigh!” Kim said, mistaking my embarrassment for anger.
Kim forced me to rehash the entire evening. It was difficult for me to explain the length of time that I’d spent there and leave out everything that Jared had told me. I kept checking my phone, even though I knew no one had called.
Beth discussed the juicy details of our earlier visit to the hospital, which seemed to intrigue Kim.
“What do you expect? He’s crazy about her,” Kim said. “I know you really like Jared, Nigh, but Ryan’s a good guy, too.”
“I know,” I said, looking at my phone again.
“Who are you expecting to call? You’ve been checking your phone like a crack addict waiting on her dealer,” Kim chided.
“Kim!” I wailed, my face burning again.
“What is with you, today? I thought you slept last night,” Kim asked, confused.
“I did. I just wish you would keep your mouth shut!”
“Nigh, we’re in your room. Who’s going to hear?” Kim looked at Beth like I’d
gone insane.
“No one,” I said. “You just…nothing. I have to go.” I grabbed my coat, shoved my phone in my purse and headed out the door. I wished that Jared had forgone the microphone part of the truth. I didn’t feel comfortable having a normal conversation in my room.
By Monday, I still hadn’t heard from Jared. It was heartbreaking that he was somewhere close, yet he refused to speak to me. Even after everything Jared had said, my thoughts continued to return to one horrible prospect: that for some reason after he’d dropped me off, he realized how unworthy I was of the adoration he’d felt for so long.
The week dragged on and I found the only place I felt somewhat normal was at the hospital. I escaped campus day after day, feeling I could finally breathe the moment I sat at Ryan’s bedside. We were nearly caught up on all of his homework by the time he finally broached the subject.
“Are you going to tell me what’s been going on with you or not?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked with a contrived smile.
“Nina. This is me you’re talking to.”
I felt my eyes gloss over and I buried my head into Ryan’s blanket.
“Nina? What’s wrong?” he asked, awkwardly patting my head. When I couldn’t speak, Ryan pulled my hair away from my face. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head and peeked up at him. “No. No, I’m not okay.”
“Did something happen?” Ryan’s face looked as desperate as I felt.
“No. Nothing happened. You don’t want to hear about it.” I sat up and wiped the moisture from my face.
“Is it about Jared?” he guessed. I nodded and his face twisted into rage. “Did he hurt you?”
“No!” I shook my head, wiping away more tears. “No, he didn’t do anything to me. He doesn’t…,” I sighed, “it’s embarrassing.”
“Just tell me.”
“He doesn’t…want me,” I said, my face crumbling around my words.
Ryan’s expression made it seem as if the sentence I’d put together didn’t compute; as if he couldn’t imagine that being possible. “I’m sure there’s just been some misunderstanding. What makes you think that?”
I was disgusted at myself for making Ryan feel he needed to reassure me about Jared. I was a terrible person.
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