Providence p-1

by Jamie McGuire

  Jared’s eyes were suddenly bright and hopeful. “Second thoughts?”

  “No. I mean…I don’t know,” I said, unable to focus with the encouraged look on his face.

  I couldn’t deny that I would rather stay with him, and he was more than willing for me to change my mind. When I slept at Andrews, Jared was stuck outside in his SUV listening for trouble. I cringed at the thought. On the other hand, it was what he was used to, and by his own words he didn’t mind.

  Beth expected me home. When I stayed with Jared, she stayed with Chad, which is where everyone knew that was where she would rather be.

  When my mind drifted to Ryan, I winced. I had already told him that staying with Jared was temporary. The thought of his reaction to my new living arrangements made my stomach twist with a sick feeling. I wasn’t sure why I worried about Ryan’s opinion so much. Something about hurting him just didn’t feel right.

  “Wow, you’re all over the place,” Jared said, visibly confused.

  “Call me later?” I asked. It wasn’t exactly a subtle evasive tactic, but it would serve its purpose.

  Jared was resigned. “Of course.”

  “I’m looking forward to more games. I’m sure Josh will want a rematch.” I smiled and leaned toward him, staring at his lips.

  Jared wrapped his arms around me, smiling at the thought. “It was fun. I’m not sure about more games, though. I didn’t mean to cause a scene.”

  “When you play like a professional football player, Jared, you’re going to draw a crowd.”

  Jared shrugged. “I couldn’t help myself. Every time I heard you cheering, I stepped it up a little more.”

  I raised a dubious eyebrow. “You could hear me over your groupies?”

  Jared smiled, pecking me on the lips. “Besides the fact that I could feel how proud you were,”—he kissed me again—“I could hear your voice from the stands in a stadium…at the Super Bowl.”

  He kissed me again, but this time his lips parted and he caressed my tongue with his. I tasted the combination of sweet and salty on his mouth, and when he pulled back, I licked my lips before pressing them together.

  “Please don’t do that,” he pleaded, staring at my lips.

  “How do you expect us to live together if you can’t handle me licking my lips?” I teased, watching him scan my face with the same hunger in his eyes from before.

  “I’ll find a way. I’ll sleep on the floor if I have to.”

  “If you sleep on the floor, I’m sleeping on the floor with you. I want to wake up where you are.”

  Jared smiled. “I wish that were true.”

  My mouth fell open. “It is true! You think me staying here during the week means I don’t want to stay with you at all?”

  Jared grimaced, shaking his head. “No, I don’t think that. I shouldn’t have said that, that’s not what I meant.”

  “What did you mean?” I said, bracing myself for what he might say.

  “It’s going to be hard getting used to the way things used to be, that’s all.”

  “You meant more than that.”

  Jared looked straight into my eyes. “Let me move your things, then. I’ll have you moved in by the time you finish up at the Rock.”

  I looked down at my feet. “I don’t know, Jared. I need some more time to think.”

  The answer should have been simple. I wanted to be there, he wanted me there, and we loved each other. But normal was here. I wasn’t ready to give that up, yet.

  Jared smiled half-heartedly. “That’s what I meant.”

  I narrowed my eyes, irritated that he had proved his point in that way. “That’s not fair.”

  He leaned his forehead against mine. “I’d better go. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Sooner than I’ll see you,” I grimaced.

  “You could change that if you weren’t so worried about what everyone else thinks,” he said, trying to keep the disappointment from his eyes.

  “I told you that isn’t the case. Well, not entirely.”

  “I know. I understand,” he said. He kissed my forehead again before he left me to walk to my room alone.

  I felt wretched. We’d had a horrible morning, a heated afternoon, and then I’d ruined it with my stupid, selfish, stubborn theories on normal. There were other reasons, but I couldn’t pin point what they were. I just wasn’t ready.

  I walked into my empty room and sighed. I had a few hours yet before study group. Both Jared’s and Ryan’s sweat were on me, a scent mixed between Ryan’s salty boy smell and Jared’s salty angel smell. It only confused me more, so I made a bee line for the showers.

  Under the steaming water, I couldn’t help but think of Jared’s shower. The water pressure was better, the smell was certainly better, and I didn’t have to wear flip flops to walk around in it. I sighed again, knowing nothing would make me happier than to call Jared and give him the green light to move my things. I couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his voice when I broke the news to him, and how I would feel walking into the loft, knowing I was home.

  As I walked down the hallway in my robe, I tried to come up with more pros than cons for staying at Andrews. I focused on what my father would want; at first I reasoned that he would want me to stay, but then my thoughts drifted to the fact that Jack would want me to be where I was the safest. And I was definitely safer in Jared’s arms. Loft…I meant the loft.

  I closed the door behind me and pulled off my robe. There was a knock on the door and I automatically tightened my towel around me, anticipating Jared’s smiling face at the other side of the door.

  When I pulled on the knob, Ryan stood before me, clean and dressed. He gave me an once-over as I stood in front of him shocked and still dripping.

  “Well, hello,” Ryan said, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

  I slammed the door in his face.

  I pulled on a pair of jeans and slipped on a random pink t-shirt before hearing a knock on the door once again.

  “Nina?” he said in a muffled voice.

  “Just a minute!” I called, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. I opened the door once again, “Sorry,” I breathed. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

  “I see that. Can I come in?”

  “I needed to talk to you anyway,” I said, stepping to the side.

  “Uh-oh. Hubby’s jealous?” he smiled, strolling past me with his hands in his pockets.

  I closed the door behind him and picked up a brush, raking it through my hair. “This isn’t about him, it’s about me. You can’t kiss me like that, especially with Jared right there. Did you honestly think that was okay?”

  “No, I just wanted to do it.”

  I threw my brush onto my desk and glared at him. “But you can’t just do it. It makes things more difficult.”

  “For Jared?”

  “For us,” I sighed. “It makes it more difficult for us to be friends.”

  “I said I wasn’t going to fight with you about Jared anymore, I never said I wasn’t going to fight for you.”

  “What?”

  Ryan rolled his eyes and then smiled. “I love you.”

  I heard the words, but I was still processing what he’d said before. I shook my head. “What?”

  Ryan took a few steps closer to me and cinched his hands around my hips. “You heard me. I’m not stupid; I can see what’s going on with you and Jared. But I also see the way you look at me. And don’t give me that crap about how you care about me because we’re friends, either. It’s something else and you know it.”

  I felt my cheeks flush. “I know you’re delusional.”

  Ryan shook his head. “No. I’ve waited. I’ve watched. Today I’m sure. For whatever reasons you’re refusing to acknowledge it, but you know it’s there, same as I do. The only reason we’re not together right now is because you met Jared first. That’s not a good enough reason for me to walk away.”

  My stomach felt sick. I hadn’t prepared for this conversation, and the fact tha
t my boyfriend was listening didn’t help. Jared was waiting for me to deny it. As much as I wanted to scream at Ryan to get out, I also knew that I couldn’t eject him for the truth. That…and I wanted to him to stay. I couldn’t tell him he was wrong when we both knew he was right.

  Ryan took a step closer and grabbed the crests of my hips gently with each hand, grasping them a bit tighter as he inched closer. He closed his eyes, and I pressed my lips together, praying he wouldn’t try to kiss me. I wouldn’t kiss him back, but I couldn’t tell him no. Either way I would hurt him.

  He leaned in for a moment, waiting patiently.

  I breathed out from my nose, letting my chest cave in. Something kept me where I stood, so it was the most I could move. Tears glossed over my eyes and I felt them burn, unable to close them or look away.

  Ryan released my hips and took a few steps back, sitting on Beth’s bed. “Don’t worry, Nigh. I’m not going to make you choose. I’ll let you decide.”

  I couldn’t look at him. I found a spot on the door and stared at it, a tear finally escaping down my cheek. In that moment it seemed fate had made the choice for me.

  “Would you say something already?” he begged.

  I thought my eyes might bore a hole into the door when I heard three consecutive knocks. I wiped my face quickly, terrified of who might be on the other side.

  Ryan stood up and put his hand on the knob.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Five Days

  “And what have you two been doing in here?” Kim teased, walking through the door. She looked at me and made a face. “Have you been crying?” She glared at Ryan, then. “Are you being a jerk?”

  “She’s okay…I think,” he said, staring at me with a blank expression.

  “I’m fine,” I said. I turned to the sink and splashed water over my reddened face. I twisted around to face them, drying my cheeks with a towel.

  “You didn’t,” she said, turning to Ryan.

  Ryan nodded and shrugged. “I had to tell her sometime.”

  Kim looked at me. “And?”

  “Don’t,” I said, glowering at her. There would be hours of explaining, but it wouldn’t be to Kim.

  Kim’s eyes widened with innocent surprise. “Don’t what?”

  “I’m not having this conversation right now.”

  “Nina…,” Ryan began.

  “Don’t Nina me. You show up here, unannounced, and then…say all this stuff that I’m not prepared for. Damn it, Ryan! You’re making this impossible!” I was so grateful for the anger that I didn’t stop to think if my words were making sense.

  “I didn’t say anything you don’t already know,” he said, standing up.

  I stomped over to the door and yanked it open. “I want both of you to leave.”

  Kim tried not to laugh at my temper tantrum, and Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets.

  “I’ll see you at study group,” he murmured.

  I slammed the door behind them and stood in place, trying to slow my pulse. Adrenaline pumped through me like I’d been in a physical altercation. I breathed in and out slowly and covered my face. That was it. Any chance we might have had to be friends was over.

  My phone buzzed and I jumped. I hesitated before picking it up, and then peered at the lighted display.

  It was Jared.

  With each ring, I willed myself to answer it but couldn’t. The only explanation was the truth, and the truth would devastate him. The phone buzzed again, and I pressed the button, knowing if I didn’t answer he would end up outside my door. I wiped my face and tucked my hair behind my ear.

  “Hello?” I waited for a moment and my heart pounded through the silence.

  “Are you okay?” he finally asked, the pain evident in his voice.

  I pressed my lips together and clinched my eyes shut, trying not to cry. “I’m ready.”

  There was a pause, and then Jared’s strained voice came across the receiver. “You’re ready for what?”

  “I’m ready to move my stuff…I’m not going to study group, so I can help you. We can have my things moved by ten and we can go to bed and forget this ever happened. I won’t talk to him, I won’t go near him. I swear I won’t.” I tried to sound optimistic, but my voice broke over and over.

  I heard a frustrated sigh. “Nina, you can’t do that. He’s your friend.”

  “Yes, I can. I will,” I promised.

  I waited for him to tell me that he didn’t want a weak, faithless coward like me living with him, but he kept silent.

  “You don’t want me now, do you?” I asked, struggling to keep calm.

  He sighed. “I want you. I’ll always want you. I want you here because you want to be, not because you want to prove something…to me or to yourself. I don’t want you to come here because you don’t trust yourself there.”

  I dropped the phone, covering my face with my hands. Why would he want me after what I had done? It was pathetic at best, and at worst it was dangerously close to being unfaithful.

  I sat on my bed and rested my head on the pillow, trying to cry quietly. I didn’t want Jared to hear and feel worse than he already did. Ten minutes later I heard a knock at the door. When I didn’t answer, it slowly opened. Jared stood at the door, looking as devastated as I felt.

  “I love you,” he said.

  I sat up and wiped my face, trying to look him in the eyes. He walked over to me and pulled me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me.

  “I want you to come home with me,” he said against my hair.

  I nodded. It was the only thing I was capable of.

  We kept pace with one another in silence down the hall. Jared didn’t reach for my hand; he simply walked beside me, opening the various doors for me as we walked to the Escalade. When he pulled away from the curb I struggled to keep the tears at bay.

  Jared reached over and gently placed his hand on mine. “Don’t cry,” he whispered.

  I shut my eyes, praying he wouldn’t offer further comfort.

  He drove to the loft and parked. Neither of us moved after he switched off the ignition.

  “I can have Claire grab some of your things if you decide to stay,” he said, looking ahead.

  “Do you want me to stay?” I looked down at our hands, afraid of his answer.

  Jared’s eyes darted over to me. “Do you even have to ask?”

  “You shouldn’t want me. I’m a horrible person. You must be so angry.”

  “I’m not angry. You feel bad enough for the both of us,” he paused for a moment, and then continued. “This isn’t your fault. It’s not even his fault…I did this. You’re supposed to be with him,” he said, his voice breaking at the end.

  “Don’t I have a say in who I want? Don’t I have a choice? I don’t feel that I do. Even you act as if I don’t. No matter what I do, I lose.”

  “You don’t know that, Nina. I could just be in the way.”

  I shook my head, refusing to even consider that.

  Jared gently pulled my chin to face him. “He said he wouldn’t make you choose. But if you don’t have a choice, I’m the one that loses. So I’m going to make you choose, Nina. Choose me. Please….choose me.” He shook his head. “I can’t live without you.”

  I held his face and kissed him tenderly, pulling back to look into his eyes. “I’ve already made my choice, Jared. I’ll make it a thousand times if I have to.”

  Jared buried his face into my chest and I held him to me, knowing he was as close to despair as I was. He had promised to fight fate for me, but I could see he was terrified that the fight wasn’t his at all — it was mine.

  The next morning I felt marginally better. The fact that Jared’s arms were around me made the world seem right again.

  “How did you sleep?” he whispered.

  I turned over and pressed my cheek into his chest. “Like a rock. I don’t remember falling asleep. How about you?”

  Jared shrugged. “All right, I guess. For me.”

  “Did yo
u get more than an hour?”

  “No, not really.”

  “You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” I grimaced.

  “I had a lot to think about,” he justified.

  When he noted my expression, he leaned down to kiss the top of my head and hugged me to him. “There are a lot of things for me to think about right now.”

  “Like what?”

  “How about you get in the shower, and I’ll get us breakfast. Waffles sound good?

  “Waffles sound great. Don’t change the subject.”

  He chuckled. “I don’t want to start out the morning rehashing the chaos. Let’s just have a normal morning, okay? You have a test in a couple of hours and I’m just about ready for Little Corn. Once we get those out of the way, we can talk the whole thing to death to your heart’s content.”

  I ignored his dig. “Little Corn. Mmmmm. Hammocks, sun, beach, ocean…that sounds even better than waffles.”

  I left the bed, pulling off his shirt on the way to the bathroom. I tossed the crumpled fabric into the hamper as I passed. Jared’s footsteps stopped abruptly and I smiled as I heard him continue down the stairs with a loud, flustered sigh.

  The next days passed quickly. Before I knew it, the tests were over, the papers were turned in, and school had been dismissed for Spring Break. I spent Friday night with Jared, but even in his warm arms I was too excited to sleep. Saturday was spent packing, and I teased Jared with the dozens of bikinis I’d purchased for the trip.

  Sunday finally arrived. I could barely contain my enthusiasm when I stepped out onto the tarmac. Cynthia had chartered a jet for our trip, as my father had always done. I had never understood before, but seeing the crates being wheeled in and loaded, I knew that flying commercially wouldn’t be possible. I tried to remember earlier vacations, scanning my mind for similar memories of Jared or Gabe directing traffic and giving orders as I boarded the plane. There was none. My only memories were of the smiling faces of our flight attendants as I was led into the fuselage by the large hand of my father.

  I followed Cynthia up the stairs and tried not to stare at Jared as he handed our luggage to a man wearing a blue jumpsuit. I wasn’t sure how many people worked in the background when we left the country, but it seemed to be a full blown tactical operation. Even knowing the truth, the activity around the plane seemed like needless fuss.