Her eyes took him off guard. They were such a drastic contrast from their usual color. Up close they revealed even more than they had when he’d first seen her this morning. They were so red and swollen, so hurt. She’d obviously cried after he’d left her to herself last night. This realization tore so deep into him that he almost winced. He wasn’t aware that he hadn’t answered her question, until her eyebrows shot up and her head tilted slightly.
“Oh, no thank you. I drink mine black.” He tore his eyes from hers, cleared his throat and focused on picking up the biscuit he suddenly didn’t want.
It wasn’t until he’d gotten a bite into his mouth and was chewing that he realized that she’d mumbled something that sounded like, “Figures.”
Jordan kept alternating between surprise and suspicion. Nathan’s behavior was unusual but pleasant. To see him attempting to act like a normal human being was rather humbling to her, but at the same time, unsettling. What was his angle? What exactly did he want? Was this his attempt at an apology or did he have something else up his sleeve?
She hated feeling so on edge, but her senses remained on full alert as they rode their horses off into the east pasture. She would get to the bottom of this fake façade of his before the day was over; that was, if it lasted that long before his sham crumbled.
They’d rode for a while in silence, which wasn’t entirely objectionable as Jordan tried to become accustomed to the thousand-pound animal between her legs. She was a beautiful bay roan thoroughbred named Sable with a long, flowing mane braided with a silver ribbon. She was an older horse with as easy temperament. Jordan had been pleased that Nathan had chosen this particular horse for her to ride.
The commands and maneuvers weren’t unfamiliar to her, and she found that the longer they rode, the more comfortable she became, if only she could get used to the chafing caused by the bouncing of her bottom on the saddle. She watched a bird fly overhead and smiled up at the clouds.
It was a beautiful early February Texas day and the temperature was pushing 60 degrees Fahrenheit. The sun was warm despite the cool breeze, and she took in the landscape before her. There were rolling hills as far as the eye could see save for the bank of trees that Nate was leading them toward. Once they were through the small patch of trees, a creek greeted them, and she noticed a large house far off in the distance.
“Who’s house is that?”
“That’s Kinsen Ranch!” He looked over at her, unable to hide the humor in his eyes.
“Oh, really? Wow, I guess I didn’t realize how close you and your sister really live to each other.”
“Just a hop, skip and a jump! Wanna go see your BFF?”
“Well…you don’t think we’d be imposing, do you?”
“What do you think?”
If she knew Natalie, her friend would be as thrilled to see her as she would be to see Natalie.
“Well, alright! If you think they wouldn’t mind some company!”
Nathan headed them in the direction of Natalie and Jack’s three-story home while Jordan tried to ignore the burning in her thighs with each bounce.
This morning had gotten better than she’d originally thought it would be. Nathan was proving to be good company, surprisingly.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t mind taking a break. I forgot how saddle sore this makes me.” The sheer thought of stretching her legs out and kneading her stiff thighs made her moan aloud.
“You could always try bareback.” He rode beside her now, an eyebrow raised, amusement hitting his eyes.
“Yeah, like that would even be a consideration.” She winced as her horse’s hoof hit a rock crookedly and the horse stumbled slightly, sending a sharp pain ricocheting through Jordan’s hamstring.
“Maybe I wasn’t talking about horseback riding…”
Her mouth flew open, and she pulled Sable to a halt. Nathan proceeded only a moment before realizing that she’d stopped then turned his own gelding around to face her. At first, he looked confused, as if he hadn’t realized what he’d said, hadn’t realized the meaning behind his words then he looked down embarrassed.
“Enough, Nate, alright? Enough! I’ve had it with all your nasty, rude comments about me.” Blood boiled in her face, and at that moment she wished that he was close enough for her to hit him…again.
“Jor, I didn’t mean anything by it!” His eyes were sincere as they met hers.
“Then exactly what did you mean?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why did you say it?” Her tone was sharp, her eyes tearing in anger. She blinked through the tears and stared at him.
His eyes turned sad and he shrugged. “I don’t know.” He looked down at Remy’s reins. She didn’t think he had any more to say on the matter until he looked back up at her and said, “I guess I was just trying to flirt with you.” The answer seemed honest enough, but she wouldn’t let it go at that.
“Flirt with me? Perhaps you’re just a bit rusty!” Sarcasm dripped from her lips.
“Perhaps…” Those sad eyes again looked up into hers.
“You’ve had nothing but crude and offensive things to say to me and about me since I walked through your door. I know what you think of me, Nate. Okay? I get it!”
He smirked. Apparently, he was confused.
She sighed and cried, “You think I’m a slut!”
“No, I don’t.” He was shaking his head; his ever-present gray Stetson following.
“Right!” she stated skeptically. “Then why would you say the things you’ve said if you don’t think that?”
“To push you away.” His eyes were level, his voice calm, and his answer chilling.
She was taken aback. She’d just always assumed that he thought she was promiscuous. Never had it occurred to her that he’d been manipulating her thinking. Well, ok, actually she did figure that it was on purpose…but that he had actually admitted to it… She shook her head, confused.
“Why?”
“It’s just what I do, Jordan. I’m not the same person you once knew. I’m...bad.” He spoke with such conviction that it frightened her.
“What?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. He wasn’t a bad person. He was pushing her away because he was too afraid of anyone getting close to him. “No, you’re not! There’s nothing wrong with you!”
“Yes, there is, Jordan. Why do you think I want you to leave? You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into staying here. It’s not safe to be around me.”
Once again, she scoffed, “You don’t even know what you’re saying. You’re being utterly ridiculous… Why the hell would it be unsafe to—?”
“I’ve killed someone, Jordan. That shouldn’t be taken lightly!” He’d walked his horse close enough that she could almost touch him.
“You killed Troy in self-defense!”
“You saw what I did last night. How much I can upset you. How cruel I can be.”
“You were drunk! Big deal! You didn’t hurt me. You didn’t do anything.”
“Not that time I didn’t.”
She immediately shook her head. “You won’t hurt me.”
“You don’t know me,” he growled. The fierceness in his eyes was overwhelming, and it made her breath catch. He looked away, trying to calm himself. Several moments passed before he finally looked back up at her, his eyes sad again. “Speaking of last night, I owe you an apology for the way I acted.”
“Nate,” she said, exasperated. “It’s alright.”
“But that should be enough to show you that you can’t stay here.”
Again, she was shaking her head. “You were just trying to push me away, you said so yourself, but it didn’t work… Nate?” She waited until he looked up into her eyes then said, “You won’t push me away. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Well, then I guess I’m just gonna have to prove to you how unsafe I really am.”
“Well, then I guess I’m just gonna have to prove to you how normal you real
ly are.” She raised her eyebrows in determination at his sudden bewildered expression.
“Are you oblivious to the way that you look? To the way the men around here look at you? Do you even know how easy it would be to overpower you?”
“Just as easy as it would be to overpower any other woman I suppose… I can hold my own! I’m not afraid of you, Nathan. You or anyone else.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “Ok, even beyond that,” he said, frowning. “I can hurt you in other ways. Like last night! That should have shown you cruel I can be. You don’t know just how far I can push people. You’ll end up becoming as resentful as the rest! Just give it time. You’ll grow to hate me like everyone else does.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Try me.”
He scoffed, “Fine. Don’t say that you weren’t warned.”
“Fine! I’ve been warned,” she stately arrogantly then went in for the kill. “Now, let me warn you! You can’t intimate me away, Nathan. It won’t work. You can try... But try as you might, I’m not budging. I’m going to show you that you’re still a good person, that there’s nothing wrong with you. I’m going to get under your skin and make you get close to me. Your self-destruction is over!”
Chapter 5
Nathan just stared at her for what seemed to be an eternity, this pained expression on his face like that of a disappointed father to a child with no concept of understanding, then he turned and led the way to Kinsen ranch. Jordan followed as quietly as possible.
She wasn’t exactly sure where her outburst had come from or when she’d decided that she was suddenly Nathan Butler’s own personal God-sent crusader. She’d just known that she was as committed to bringing him back from the grave as she’d ever been to anything in her life. She wished for only a moment that she could read his mind. What was he thinking about her revelation?
Nathan had to get off his horse to unlatch the back pasture gate and latch it back once they were through it. As they closed in on the back of the barn, the large three-story home beyond caught her eye. She’d never seen her friend’s house from this direction before and she’d almost forgotten how big it really was. Six bedrooms, four bathrooms, a basement… A big house for three people but then again, number four was on the way.
Jack had used the house as a means to propose to Natalie, and Jordan thought that it was one of the most romantic things she’d ever heard. But that was Jack and Natalie, romantic down to the depths of their souls. As much as she loved them both, she couldn’t help but envy them and their happiness. They really made the term “true love” believable because right beside the definition of true love in the dictionary was a picture of the two of them.
Jordan had never really believed in love herself, but then again, she’d never been in love…not even close, so, of course, she didn’t believe in it. She wasn’t sure that it was even possible for her. And now after her diagnosis… Well, Jordan just wasn’t wife material or, apparently, mother material either. She wasn’t really sure what she was...
As she and Nate rode into the spacious barn, she caught sight of Jack being a farrier and Dallie was, as always, right next to him. Jack was clad in a flannel shirt, jeans and cowboy hat. He had the leg of one of his many horses tucked in between his knees as he worked on the horse’s shoe. Dallie, standing on a stool, hovered over him. She was clad in her standard clothing; jeans and flannel, the usual cowboy hat was MIA.
“I came to see a man about a horse…” Nate began, trotting far ahead of her.
Suddenly, Dallie’s little blonde tendrils flew as she turned her head and recognized the voice of the unnoticed visitor.
“Uncle Nate, Uncle Nate!” she squealed as she jumped from the stool and ran to him. Nate, already dismounting, caught her in two strides and swung her around in a circle then pulled her tightly to him in a hug.
Jordan felt a sudden painful quake in her heart. In that moment, she saw Nathan Butler as he’d once been, before the pain, before the misery, before he’d killed Dallie’s biological father. She saw him as he should still be now, but wasn’t. She saw what he could be, and the hopelessness of the situation stung her like poison. How drastically this beautiful family’s lives had been changed by one person…one malicious, violent person.
Jack must have been done with the horse he’d been working on. He came up to Nathan then, patted his back and shook his hand, giving him a big smile.
Jackson Edward Kinsen was one damn good-looking man. He was tall, several inches taller than Nathan, and he was well built with a large frame, big muscles and a face that could have been chiseled out of marble. His hair was brown beneath his hat and his eyes were the most beautiful shade of green. Natalie was such a lucky woman!
Jordan could remember how she’d once commented to Natalie that Jack was built like a Greek god. Come to think of it, Natalie had never followed up with her on that assessment!
“I hit the ball WAY off the tee this time. Mommy cheered for me and Daddy says I’m gonna be ready come practice…and guess what Uncle Nate?” Dallie didn’t give Nate time to answer before she continued on, her excitement to see him barely containable. “Daddy got a rescue pony yesterday!” Dallie beamed, filling her uncle in on the latest news at the ranch.
“He did? What did you name her?” Nate asked.
“I haven’t decided quite yet… Daddy’s says we should name her Nutmeg.” She shrugged, looking for all the world like any other all-American six-year-old girl with big dreams and never-ending fairytales.
“Well, while you’re deciding, I brought someone to see you.” Nate twisted Dallie around to look at Jordan, and suddenly, Dallie beamed again and squirmed from her perch on Nathan’s chest.
“Aunt Jordan!”
“Hey sweetie,” Jordan called out as she dismounted her ride. She caught Dallie and lifted her to her hip, catching Jack’s eye as he tipped his hat at her in greeting. She simply smiled back.
“I missed you!” Dallie sighed and leaned her little head on Jordan’s shoulder.
“I missed you too, sweetie,” she said, laying her head on Dallie’s.
“You came riding with Uncle Nate?” she asked, bringing her head up.
“I sure did.”
“You’re workin’ for Uncle Nate now?” Dallie looked off into the distance as if something just occurred to her. “So, that means I can come see you any time I want?” Her eyes sparkled with such wonder that Jordan laughed then kissed Dallie on her forehead.
“Any time you want,” Nathan added with a smile, facing them. A real smile. Wow! It was amazing how good he looked when he smiled like that. It took Jordan so off guard that she was breathless for a moment.
The two men began leading the horses to the front of the barn, Jordan and Dallie followed. They lead them to a trough of water then tied their leads to a hitching post in front of a large corral set up next to the barn.
“Where’s your wife?” Nathan asked Jack, looking around for his sister.
A troubled expression lit Jack’s face, and he cleared his throat, but it was Dallie who answered.
“She’s in Daddy’s office talking to Dr. Green.” She dropped her head, shuffling her feet on the dirt.
“Dr. Green? The vet? Why?” Nathan asked, his brows drawing.
“Mommy’s sad,” Dallie replied, looking up at Jordan, just as Jack said, “Cheshire died last night.”
“What!” Jordan and Nathan exclaimed at the same time.
“Apparently, during the autopsy this morning, the doctor found that he had a condition no one knew about… He died of an aortic rupture. Dr. Green said he must have had an aneurysm; he bled out quickly and suddenly. I found him early this morning during feeding.”
Jordan’s hand covered her mouth, she knew how important that horse was to Natalie; she must be utterly crushed.
“Man, that’s awful!” Nathan’s head lowered in sadness. As he well knew, it was hard to lose any of their horses, but that horse had been Natalie’s companion— the one that
she’d won metals and awards with during her barrel racing and competition jumping days. He was her first horse. She’d been seven years old when she’d gotten him. They’d practically grown up together.
“Yeah,” Jack responded then pulled his hat off his head and swiped at his brow. “Natalie blames herself. She feels like she should have known something was wrong, but it’s not like she’s been able to ride him. The doctor actually told her that if she had of, he probably would have died sooner as intense exercise would have made the aneurysm rupture sooner, so he was basically a ticking time bomb.”
“Wow,” Nate replied as Jordan said, “Poor thing.”
Just about that time, they saw the office door open, and Natalie and Dr. Green emerged. Dr. Green, a middle-aged balding man in round glasses and a pair of overalls, placed his hand gently on Natalie’s arm before handing her a piece of paper.
Natalie’s eyes and cheeks were red, the dark wave of hair framing her face wet with tears. She had one hand on her big pregnant belly and the other around the piece of paper. Her eyes were down and stayed that way as she read the paper before her. Before anyone could respond, Jack was pulling her into his strong, capable arms where she buried her head into his chest. Dallie wasn’t far behind; she came to her mother’s side wrapping her arms around her leg, Natalie’s hand patting Dallie’s head. Jordan watched as Jack stroked his wife’s wavy, dark hair, and a strange feeling began to overpower her. Her chest and eyes burned, her lungs tightened. Could she really be resentful? But why?
For the first time in her life, she longed for a man to hold her that way, to comfort her that way, to love her that way. Of course she’d always envied what Jack and Natalie had simply because they were in every sense of the word, perfect for one another, and that was a rare commodity to have in this world, but she’d never begrudged the love they had. However, as she looked at them now, all she saw was how much she wanted it for herself. This new knowledge was like a slap in the face to Jordan. Jordan, who’d always been the loner. Jordan, who’d always been the flirt; the girl with no strings attached. Jordan, who’d never asked for love in return, was now daydreaming that love was what she really and truly wanted…and not just any kind of love, a love like her best friend’s, a love that had withstood death and pain and suffering, a love that withstood it all…
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