“Ok.”
“Alright, I’ll call your sister. Take care of yourself, darlin’. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom. See you tomorrow night.” Nate sighed heavily and placed the phone back on the hook.
“Tomorrow night?” Jordan’s eyebrow went up in question.
“Mom and Dad are in town, and she wants to cook out and have the whole family over.”
“Ah!” Jordan said as she went back to what she was doing.
Great, Nate thought. He wasn’t sure he was up for a family reunion, but what choice did he have.
Chapter 8
Later the next afternoon, Nate had come up to the house to marinate some chicken for their get together that night. Jordan had gone to the market to get some fresh fruits and vegetables for their dinner. That day had been as usual as the others had been. Jordan was her normal bubbly self. They hadn’t discussed what had occurred on his kitchen table the day prior…or in the shower that same night. It was just as well. Nathan didn’t want to talk about it either. He wasn’t exactly sure what was happening between them; he was simply enjoying the fact that all the “talking” thus far had been done with their bodies. He had just finished getting the chicken in the fridge when he heard the doorbell ring. He wondered who had come to call as he approached the door, knowing it was too early yet for his family to be arriving, and was surprised to see Scottie standing on his doorstep. He hated to admit that he felt somewhat ashamed and guilty as his eyes fell on him.
“Scottie?”
“Hey, uh… I know it’s probably a big surprise to see me, huh?”
“Well, to be honest, it really is. I thought for one thing you’d never want to see me again.” Nate shrugged.
“Ah Hell, Nate. I reckon I was itching for that fight as much as you were. I got no hard feelings towards you. You’re my friend.” Scottie gave a weak smile, and Nate returned it and welcomed him in.
“Can I get you a beer or something?” Nate asked as he led Scottie into the kitchen.
“No, but I’ll take some tea if you got it?” Nate opened the cabinet and pulled down a glass then proceeded to the fridge to pour Scottie some tea.
Nate watched him slyly as he handed him the drink.
“I guess I owe you an apology.”
“Thanks, but I’m not here for an apology.” Scottie’s tone had become more serious.
“Ok, well, then why are you here, Scottie?”
“Well, I got to be honest with you. Buck had told me that Jordan had come to work for you, and it’s been eating me up ever since I found out.”
Nate crossed his arms and expelled his breath, propping his hips on the counter. He waited for Scottie to continue.
“It ain’t right! Jordan, well… she doesn’t deserve to be stuck here ordered around by you day and night. What the hell were you thinkin’?”
At first, Nathan was somewhat angry that Scottie had come to preach to him, especially when this was none of his business, but knowing that Scottie was just trying to be a good friend, he truly tried to understand his point of view.
“Dammit, she’s been at the bank for a long time now, do you have any idea all the things she gave up to come here?” Scottie continued. “And her career aside, I can only imagine how badly things have been here for her. She deserves a better future than you as her boss. I mean no offense, Nate, but you have to know that deep down you aren’t going to change, that all you have done in the last year is hurt or alienate everyone your closest to, including your own sister.”
Nate gulped. Wow! So, this was how his friends and family saw him? He really was a monster. It hadn’t just been his own opinion of himself, it was a shared feeling among them. What if Scottie was right? What if it was true- that he couldn’t change? Was he simply “stuck” being this outcast for the rest of his life then?
“You have to know that it isn’t good for anyone to be around you. You’re sick, Nate.”
Sick? Was he sick? Sick in the head from all that had happened? Had killing Troy ultimately killed him too? Killed all the good inside him and left him an empty shell? This newfound knowledge spread through him like a cancer. He had believed himself to be practically inhuman for so long: devoid of emotion, incapable of love and forgiveness that maybe now he’d truly become just that.
“Now, I’m just going to ask that, as a friend, you think about this and do the right thing, by Jordan. Please?” With that said, Scottie sat his glass down, nodded and left. Left Nathan to contemplate the realness of his words, and the truth that damnation was all that remained for him.
Jordan came up on the porch just as Scottie Warden was walking out the door.
“Scottie?” Jordan couldn’t hide the surprise in her tone. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, hi, Jordan! I just came to discuss some business with Nate. You liking your new job?”
She eyed him suspiciously. “Actually, I’m loving it.” She beamed just because she didn’t like the look on Scottie’s face.
“Oh…well, that’s good.” He looked shocked. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.” He tipped his hat to her and ambled down the stairs.
“Bye,” she called back, rolling her eyes. Now just what was that all about? she wondered.
“Nate?” she called as she came in the door. When she got into the kitchen, he stood with his back to her, head bowed, arms on the counter like he hadn’t heard her come in. She walked over to him, placing her hand on his back, and he recoiled as if she had scalded him. “What’s wrong?” He appeared to come out of his reverie then. “Nathan? Are you ok?” Her hands cupped his face, and her eyes searched his. “What did Scottie say to you?” His eyes were bleak as they looked down. “Nate, please?”
He straightened then pulled her hands from his face. “I have to go get some work done,” he grumbled and walked out.
Jordan couldn’t prove it, but she knew Scottie had said something horrible to Nate. Dammit, she wanted to call him and demand what the hell his problem was and why he had come to see Nate in the first place. He’d had been acting different, better even, until Scottie’s visit. What had happened in such a short period of time? She’d finally felt that Nathan was starting to peek out of his emptiness and back into the light. Jordan had made some progress with him, but then abruptly, Scottie had shown up and blew it all to Hell.
Nate had seemed robotic after the encounter. He’d come up from the barn, showered and changed and seemed even more distant with her than usual- as if he were in deep thought in his own world. Even when his family showed up, he greeted them appropriately, but he icy exterior was as stolid as ever. They didn’t really seem to notice anything askew, but Jordan knew better. He had beers with the men and grilled chicken out on the grill while the ladies cut and roasted vegetables and made sides to go with their dinner. All the while, Corrine complimented Jordan on how great the house looked and how wonderful it was to have her taking care of everything. It felt good to see them all, but Jordan had this nagging feeling that Nathan was in some serious pain. Little did she know, she would soon come to see just how much…
They were sitting at the table after supper: Nate, Natalie, Jack, Dallie and Corrine.
“Oh, I’m so glad y’all are back, Mom. It’s good to have them back home isn’t it, Nate?” Natalie asked, looking over at Nathan, who simply nodded.
Why was his sister being such a pain tonight? Maybe it was all the theatrical emotions of her pregnancy that were started to wear on him. The perfect life that she had now that Nate had taken Troy out of it! Here he was in misery, while she just simply moved on like nothing had happened. It was all coming to a head; he could feel it. He could feel the stirring of rage starting to tingle beneath his skin. He’d had one too many beers, his head pounded, and Scottie’s words echoed through his brain like a mantra. Over and over. “You’re sick, Nate.” And maybe he was…sick with no cure for the ailment he had because there was nothing that could heal the sin of what he’d done-murdered another human
being. One didn’t simply get a redo! There was no magic wand that took it away!
“So, you have to come see the nursery since we finished it, Momma. It’s gorgeous! I can’t wait to bring the baby home. To think this would have been number three.” Nat looked down, and Jack took her hand.
And that was his breaking point! Nate didn’t recognize the voice that came from within him; the laugh, almost maniacal. His sister looked at him in horror, Jack in anger, and his mother in shock.
“It would actually be number four if I’m not mistaken.” They thought he was a monster, by God, he would show them a monster.
“Excuse me?” Nat asked, holding her chest.
“Well, baby sis. It would appear that you’ve forgotten all about the first one that you lost…the baby that was the reason you left us for that sorry bastard in the first place.” Nate looked up into her horrified face. “And why is it that you’re so good at losing them in the first place?”
“Nathan!” his mother hissed in response. At this, Natalie stood, tears filling her eyes. Jack’s lips twisted in anger as he too stood, a protective arm shooting out in front of his wife.
“Natalie, sit down,” Jack commanded, his voice deathly calm.
“Yes, please, sister. Sit.” Nate crossed his arms over his chest. He felt numb, truly numb, because he knew that when all of this was over, his sister would have nothing but hate for him. “We don’t want another accident now, do we?”
“Nathan, so help me,” Jack threatened, slamming his fist down hard on the table. The sound reverberated through the room. Natalie grabbed at his arm, trying to calm him.
“Momma, take Dallie to the living room, please? Nathan and I have something to discuss.” Natalie’s eyes stayed riveted on him. Silently, he applauded her. His beautiful, strong little sister had the backbone of warrior.
“Nathan, how dare you!” Corrine scolded.
“Momma, please? Just do as I ask?” Once Dallie and their mother were absent from the room, Natalie calmly wiped her face. “Ok, big brother, what’s on your mind?”
At this point, Nathan wasn’t sure where his father and Jordan were, but he, Jack, and Natalie were the only three left at the table. He cocked his head and began.
“I certainly wonder if you could fight this battle alone, just me and you?”
“Goddammit, Nathan! How low do you have to go? Now you’re intimidating a pregnant woman! Jesus…” Jack trailed off, trying so hard to be patient with his moody brother-in-law.
If they could just understand… they were all so much better off without him.
“What is it that you want to say, Nate? Please? I don’t know what you want from me anymore. How can I help you?” The waterworks started. Jack just stood there, jaw clenched, fists at his sides.
Nate smirked, “How can you live this perfect life like nothing happened?”
“What?” Nat recoiled as if he’d slapped her. “How can you even say that? You don’t think I feel guilty for all of this! It was my ex-husband that you killed. I’ve had nightmares for years! But why now, in my happiness, when I have finally sought peace, do you have to bring it all back to life?”
“Because,” Nate yelled, “I CAN’T MOVE ON! I murdered him, without a second thought, without remorse, to save you, to save him.” He pointed to Jack. “To save me! I didn’t have a choice. I knew the minute that I pulled the trigger, that I was taking his life. I didn’t point it at his leg or his arm, but his stomach. And now I- not YOU in your big house with your perfect family- I have to be the one to live with that decision, and it eats me alive every night!”
Natalie sobbed into her hands. Jack’s jaw ticked with anger.
“Ok, Nate, you’ve made your point! Enough! Natalie, we’re leaving,” Jack stated, extending his hands to her.
“What I want from you, Natalie,” Nate continued as if Jack hadn’t spoken, “is to feel the pain that I feel.”
She looked back up at him, tears streaming down her beautiful face and torment in her blue eyes. “You don’t think I feel it? How can I not? You’re my brother! That man tried to take everything from me, and he almost succeeded, and now, you’re allowing him to destroy you too! Don’t let him take you from me too, Nate!” She reached out her hand to him, and he pulled his away. “God knows, I would take the pain away from you if I could, but I can’t, so please stop hating me for not pulling the trigger. I hate myself enough for it. Ok? Is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry, Nate! I’m sorry that it had to be you, but I’m not going to simply stop living because of all that he’s done to me. I can’t let him win. I’m not like you! I can’t just turn off my humanity the way you have.”
“That’s because you’ve never killed anyone!” he stated, calmly.
“Please stop resenting me!”
“I can’t!” He shook his head. “I don’t know how!” He shrugged. “I guess it’s not enough for me to suffer. I have to make you suffer with me.” The smirk on his face got a growl out of Jack.
“You son of a bitch! You like seeing her like this, don’t you?” Jack gestured to his wife, her tear-stricken face in agony. “What is wrong with you? You’ve enjoyed tormenting her about Troy Cameron for far too long now. This is going to stop! She’s paid her penance, time and again…”
“Maybe she hasn’t fully… not yet… not until she’d contemplated suicide as I have.” With that, Jack stretched across the table reaching for him. Nathan came up too, ready to fight, even though he knew Jack was much bigger and stronger and would hurt him badly; he didn’t care. He needed to let out the rage that was building with immense pressure inside him…
“Nathan?” He heard the familiar voice penetrate his anger like a loud boom penetrates silence. That’s when he fully took in Natalie’s shocked face— and Jack’s disgust — and the impact of all that he’d said hit him like a ton of bricks. At once, she was beside him, looking into his face: Jordan. “Nathan, what’s come over you?”
At this point, his family was taking their leave, and he didn’t even feel worthy enough to tell them goodbye. Not a word was said as the door was soundly shut behind them.
“You might as well go with them Jordan.” Nate motioned to the door with his hand.
“I’m not going anywhere!” She stood in defiance, hands on her hips.
“Don’t you see? All I do is hurt the people that I’m closest to… Scottie was right!”
“Scottie? Is he the reason for all this? What did he say to you?”
“That I’m sick! That everyone knows that I’m not going to change.”
“Oh, Nathan.” Jordan sighed and shook her head, taking his face into her soft hands. He shivered.
“What? It’s true, isn’t it?” He pulled her hands from his face. “They all know that I’m not going to change. Everyone feels this way about me.” He lowered his head, placing his face in his hands. “God, especially my own family! What I’ve done can’t ever been undone.”
“Anyone can change, Nate. You make it sound impossible. It’s not impossible.”
“Everyone, but you, Jordan,” he continued as if she hadn’t spoken and looked up into her eyes. “You, you’ve been so patient with me…and I’ve done nothing but disappoint you.”
“Oh, stop it, will you? You have to stop beating yourself up. People make mistakes, you know?”
“That’s all I seem to know how to do… I hurt Natalie so badly.”
“Yes, but she’ll survive, Nathan.” Jordan eyes burned like lasers into his. “So, you finally broke down to your sister about how you’ve felt all this time! Good for you! It’s about freakin’ time!”
“Come on! She’s pregnant, Jordan! That was completely cruel of me.”
“Yeah, ok. So, it was…”
“See?”
“Do you want to know what I see?” She raised her eyebrows, and he nodded his head, expectantly. “What I see is a man who’s suffering for something he can’t move on from. I don’t see a monster. I don’t see someone who can’t change,
and I don’t see this evil inhuman creature that you see when you look into the mirror.”
With that Nathan burst into tears and fell into her arms.
“Oh God, Jordan. I just want it to stop!” He gripped her arms with such desperation that he knew it frightened her.
“Shh, it’s ok. You’re gonna be ok.”
“I’m so scared that I won’t be. I tried to end it all one night. I was so close to freedom…”
“Nate…” Jordan’s voice trembled as she tried to pull his head up, so that she could look at him. “What do you mean?”
“I tried to kill myself.”
“Nathan!” She gasped. His breathing came in hiccups as giant tears fell down his cheeks. His voice was eerily quiet as he looked up into her worried eyes.
“I pulled the trigger, but nothing happened.”
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed. Tears filled her eyes as he knew she was picturing him as he’d been not too long ago. Alone. Desperate. At the end of his rope. Gun to his head.
“The next day, I tried to shoot it again outside. The shot was a live one… I figured it just wasn’t my time to go.”
“God isn’t done with you, Nathan. That was Him. You need to listen to Him.”
Nate’s head fell again, and Jordan pulled him back into her arms and stroked his hair as he continued to sob. Then he began to pray.
Nathan awoke the next morning alone in his bed. He turned to see the sun peeking into his brown curtains and groaned. His head pounded and his eyes burned. He rubbed them, which only served to make the burning worse. He sat up, immediately regretting it. He was clad in only his boxers with the sheet wrapped around his hips. He didn’t remember how he’d gotten to bed, just the fact that he’d cried in Jordan’s arms most the night. How pathetic am I? He thought. He felt like utter shit. He also felt something else, a sense of relief that he hadn’t felt in quite some time; the relief of not carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and the realization that someone truly understood how he felt and found no fault with him, someone he trusted. Someone he was starting to care deeply about. His mood was suddenly brighter. He felt a sense of hope on the horizon like the current rising sun warming his bare skin from the window. It beamed out rays of shining optimism on him, and he smiled up into the yellow blinding light. He hopped from the bed and threw some jeans over his hips and a t-shirt on. He aimed to seek Jordan out, and at least, apologize for all his drama last night.
Return to Abundance Page 12
