by Mark Taylor
“They’re a bunch of weirdoes. Stupid hedgerows.”
“Huh?” Mary returned her face to between their seats.
“They’ve all got cats,” Lady whined.
“They’re just different to us is all,” Excalibur snapped.
“They’re hippies.”
Excalibur glared at Lady. “It’s nearly midnight. We’ll take a motel near the border and travel the rest of the way at first light.”
“They’re called Travelodges,” Lady said.
“What?”
“Motels.”
“Whatever. I just need a drink.”
“You won’t get one.”
“Why?”
“You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy.” Lady leaned her head back and closed her eyes.
“What’s up with her?” Mary whispered.
“Lady doesn’t like the Scottish Council.”
***
“What is it?”
Mary pointed through the windshield. “Over there. It says – you went past too quick. There.” She pointed again. “Take that off.”
“Why are there stop lights on this freeway?” Excalibur yanked the wheel to the left cutting off a big rig and causing Lady to bang her head on the window. She bolted upright.
“Where are we?” She yawned. “How long was I asleep?”
“Something pasta.”
“What?”
“Just outside Birmingham,” Mary answered. “There.” She pointed to the sign on the left of the freeway.
“Why are we on Spaghetti Junction?” Lady asked.
“There’s a motel on the M6 – if I can find the M6 – whatever an M6 is. I hate driving on the wrong side of the street.” Excalibur slammed the brakes on, causing the rig behind them to swerve into the right hand lane before it smashed into them. “Get out,” she barked at Lady. “Your turn.” Excalibur opened the door.
“You can’t stop on the motorway,” Lady protested, but it was too late. Excalibur was already out of the car and around the back of it, flipping off the two cars that hurtled by with their horns blaring. “God, she’s going to get us killed,” she said. “Or arrested.” Lady jumped out of the car and ran around to Excalibur. “Get back in,” she said.
Lady landed in the driver’s seat and yanked her belt over her shoulder as Excalibur got in. “Idiot,” she muttered. The tires of the car spun before gaining traction and the vehicle moved away again.
“This is fun,” Mary said.
“The M6?” Lady asked. Without waiting for confirmation, she took the first left to a set of lights and indicted right. She wheeled the car around the roundabout and onto the M6 slipway. “See?” she said. “Not hard. What time is it?”
“Eleven something,” Mary answered.
Lady kept the car in the left hand lane. “How far?”
“Couple of miles.”
Five minutes later, Lady pulled into the parking lot of the Travelodge.
“You book us in,” Excalibur said. “I’ll find the bar.”
“It’s there.” Lady pointed at the closed public house next door. “I told you.”
“Why is a bar closed at midnight?”
“This is a family motel. Not a seedy Excalibur-wants-to-get-laid joint.”
“Then why are we here?” Excalibur spoke too loudly, and frowned.
“To sleep, sister.” Lady swung her door open. “God.” She got out of the car.
Excalibur leaned forward and looked out of the windshield to the neon glow of the Travelodge sign. “What do you think, Tink?” She glanced to Mary.
“If it’s clean, and I can call Sarah and see if she’s okay, it’s fine by me.”
Excalibur’s eyes drifted over to Lady standing, hands on hips, by the doors to the motel, staring at them. “We should probably go before I get in any more trouble.”
Mary already had one foot out of the car. “Come on. It’s cold.”
II
Despite the unconvinced stare the tired-looking man behind the reception desk had Lady had managed to secure them a family room. “Sisters?” he had kept saying. “Sisters?”
Excalibur, dressed head to toe in strappy black leather, thigh high boots, and a long leather coat, Mary, still dressed in her business-casual-chic clothes, and Lady in lace, as always – none of them matched anything, and they could all be going to three different parties. Mary sort of understood his apprehension. But she guessed he was either too tired, or really didn’t care enough to argue.
So they had a room with a double bed, a single bed, and an en-suite.
Mary held the receiver of the phone to her ear, it ringing over and over again. “They’re not answering,” she said.
“It’s after midnight,” Lady replied. “They’re probably in bed.”
“Did you tell them how phones work?” Excalibur applied black lipstick.
“Yeah,” Mary said quietly. “Where are you going?”
“Drink.” Excalibur stood.
“I told you,” Lady said. “It’s closed.”
But Excalibur was gone in a wisp.
“Oh yeah.” Lady slumped on the single. “You take the double – I doubt you’ll need to share.”
Mary listened to a thousand dragons roar. A thousand Boeings land. A thousand-land earthquake. Excalibur was snoring. Mary stared through the darkness. She had reappeared some twenty minutes previous, giggled a little, shushed herself, muttered something about being in trouble with Lady, knocked over a lamp, and finally crashed shoulder first onto the bed. It was five in the morning.
“Did not,” she muttered, half unintelligibly between snores. “Shut up, Andrew. Ping pong.”
Mary squinted. I am never doing this again.
Lady got out of her bed and prodded Mary’s shoulder. “Breakfast?” she asked. “They should be opening soon.”
Mary nodded and got up, leaving Excalibur unconscious in the bed.
***
Mary sliced her sausage. “So good,” she said. “I miss travelling, sometimes. It’s been years since I was in England. It’s changed so much.”
“It has. So does everywhere, but when you stagnate you don’t notice it so much.” Lady looked out over the parking lot through the still darkness. Few cars were on the road, their lights pitching back and forth on occasion. “That’s why I come and go.”
“Tell me about the Northern Hedge Witch Council.”
Lady shook her head. “They’re not that bad, I suppose,” she said. “They tend to fall into a more traditional sense of the word witch. Cats, toil, trouble. That sort of thing. They don’t roam in covens. They don’t follow the ways. But the Council should be able to point us in the direction of one that can help.”
“What do you think it’s about?”
Lady stared out at the sky, blinking quickly. Mary followed her line of sight.
“What?”
“I think there’s something out there. In the sky.”
Mary dropped her knife, catching the attention of the man who had served them. She smiled, feigned embarrassment, and turned back to the window. “Where? A monger?”
Lady shook her head. “It’s too…”
“What?”
“I dunno. Organized. It’s just circling. I think we should go.”
Mary stood. “Come on. You get Excalibur up – good luck – and I’ll check us out and bring the car around.”
***
Mary drove the car hard in the outside lane. Excalibur had sunglasses on, and wasn’t moving. Lady watched the early morning skies as they brightened.
“Anything?” Mary asked.
“Nothing. Nothing since we left. Look.” She pointed at the sign on the side of the road. “We’re nearly there.”
Excalibur coughed, and wheezed out a hangover snort.
“So what did you get up to last night? Anything we should know about?”
“No.”
“So who’s this Andrew you were dreaming about?”
Excalibur turned her head s
lowly to look at Mary. She reached up and lowered her sunglasses. “What?”
“Oh Andrew, Andrew,” she teased.
“Shut up.”
“So. Going to marry Andrew and have a horde of kids?” Mary made kissy sounds.
“Children? Ha,” she said dryly. “Children are always sticky. No, thanks.” She pushed the glasses back up her face.
“’Scaliber and Andrew sitting in a tree – ”
“Mary!” Lady scolded.
Mary laughed. “Sorry. Look.” She pointed to the sign they were passing. “The border. Where to?”
“Dumphries. We’re meeting two of the Council there. Wake me when we’re parked in the city center.”
***
Mary shook Excalibur’s arm to wake her. “We’re here. Where now?”
Excalibur stretched and got out of the car, discarding her sunglasses to the seat. “Town Center.” She pointed at the sign on the edge of the parking lot.
“Intrigue!” Lady laughed.
Excalibur shook her head and started at a fast pace toward the shopping center.
“There,” she said. Excalibur pointed at the Fastbrew Coffee House.
“How will we know them?” Lady asked.
“We’ll know.” Excalibur crossed the street and opened the door of the coffee shop, holding it open for Mary who hurried behind. She scanned the room. Old man. Could be him. But they said there’d be two. Young couple. Too smoochy. Man and dog? Could be. The second could be a familiar. Her eyes drew to the two middle-aged women sat at the back. Each dressed in black. Pointy hats. Lace. Dear God. “Get us some coffee and come over. I’ll make some introductions.”
Mary and Lady went to the counter and waited behind some young woman who was ordering a triple-filtered mocha chia pumpkin spice latte. “Hipster,” Lady whispered.
Mary kicked her shin gently and nudged her. “What about them?” she asked. “They’re not exactly subtle.”
“You said that about us not so long ago, remember?” Lady grinned. “I expect everyone thinks they’re the local weirdoes.”
“Maybe they are,” Mary replied absently.
The young woman in front took her expensive – silly – drink and went to sit. Mary stepped forward. “Three flat whites.”
The barista sighed audibly. “Coming up.”
Mary watched Excalibur. She looked like she was making small talk. She had perked up remarkably quickly. Tricks of the trade.
The barista pushed a tray with the three coffees out. “Six pounds sixty, please.”
Lady took the tray and Mary paid. When the two of them reached the table, Excalibur was laughing and telling a story. “And then Bobby doubled over like someone was pummeling his…oh, this is Lady and Mary.”
The two of them sat while Excalibur made introductions. “I was just…anyway, this is Gloria and Mavis.” She gestured to the two women in turn, then began explaining what had happened, and why they were there. “So, he seemed rather pleased about it,” she said. “And we wanted to know why. I was kinda hoping that one of your…” – she glanced around to ensure no one was eavesdropping – “…crew might be able to help.”
Gloria nodded, shot a quick glance at Mavis, then back to Excalibur. “Vampyr is an ancient belief. You are the last. Teachings have stopped. They stopped long ago.”
“Surely someone must…”
“I know of one. He’s…” She thought for a second. “…The most likely I know of to be able to help.”
Mavis put her hand on Gloria’s. “Yer talking ’bout Wiggy?”
“Aye.”
Mavis nodded. “Wiggy,” she said to no one.
Excalibur squinted. “Wiggy?”
“Hedgewig, his name is. You’ll find him lurking at the south edge of Galloway Forest Park this time of year. He’ll be able to help you.”
Excalibur took a sip of her coffee. “Thank you. Tell me, Hedgewig, or Wiggy?”
“Don’t matter much to him. He’s a funny one. You’ll see. But he can help. He still follows the ancient ways.” Gloria stood. “Come on, Mavis, the grocer’s will be closed soon.”
“Thank you again,” Excalibur nodded. “If there is anything we can do in repayment, please…anytime.”
Gloria nodded and the two of them left.
“That was…” Mary searched for words.
“Unusually gallant?” Lady offered.
“Um…yeah.”
Excalibur looked at Lady. “Well, you may not like them but they are witches, and deserve our respect.”
Mary put her coffee down. “Worried about Dina?”
“Of course.”
“You didn’t ask them where the park is, should I ask at the counter?”
“We’ll find it.”
Lady leaned forward. “She’s going to be okay, you know. We’ll get her back.”
Excalibur nodded. “We will. Hopefully this Wiggy guy will know what to do.”
***
Mary circled the car around the edge of Galloway Forest Park – toward the parking lot at the south end. Excalibur had been right. It wasn’t hard to find. It was the largest park in the area. Almost a forest. It was in the name, really. Mary shook her head. It was getting dark already, and the street lamps were few and far between.
She followed the signs to the parking lot and the three of them got out of the car. “Now what?” Mary asked.
“Wiggy!” Excalibur screamed.
Mary ducked out of instinct. “Jeez, girl. What are you trying to do, wake the dead?”
Excalibur shot her a quick look, before her gaze fell on Lady. She was looking into the darkened sky. “What’s she doing?”
“Last night – this morning – we saw something in the skies, before dawn.”
“A monger? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It wasn’t a monger.” Lady didn’t take her eyes from the sky. “Something else, maybe. But I’m sure it was nothing.”
Excalibur frowned. “Hedgewig?” she shouted.
Mary shook her head. “Come on,” she said as she started towards the marked pathway. “He could be anywhere.”
The three of them walked for a while. Long enough only for the night to draw closer, and the path lamps to illuminate the thin tarmac walkway. On occasion Excalibur would call out, while both Mary and Lady made quieter attempts.
With the darkness came the sounds of wildlife. A fox crossed their path not once, but twice, and a black cat – seemingly avoiding the fox.
“This is no good,” Lady said. “He could be anywhere.”
“Could be anyone.” A voice came from the undergrowth, shrill with a strong Scot accent. A man wearing a tam o’ shanter, and adorned with a red beard stepped out into their way. “I hear on the wind that you seek Hedgewig. What is your business with him?”
“I take it, you’re Hedgewig?” Excalibur wasn’t impressed.
“Now for a few fine fillies like yourselves, I could be. I could be anything you want, in fact.”
“Do you want to hurt him, or do you want me to do it?” Mary asked, clenching her fists together.
“Now, now.” His voice hardened. “There’s no need for that. You don’t know me.”
“We know you well enough. Gladys sent us.”
Hedgewig straightened. “Oh. Why didn’t you say? What can I do for you?”
“We heard you know about Vampyr.”
“Aye.”
“My name is Excalibur and I am the last of the Vampyr, my father cast to hell. During a recent run in with the eponymous Prince of Darkness, I bit him. He seemed less, well, pissed, and more happy about it. We were hoping that you might be able to shed some light on that.”
Hedgewig scratched at his beard. “I’ve heard of you. Thought you were a legend. The Vampyr’s daughter. Stuff of folklore. And here you are, asking ol’ Wiggy – the Wigster, if you will – a favor. Done gone fucked right up, ain’t ya? Ah?” He shook his head and looked up into the sky. “You’ll be a burden on your kin, now. They should flee
. Save themselves.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Turned him, have you? There’s a reason Old Horny keeps the Vampyr locked up in hell, you know. He can’t control them like everyone else. See, those mongers want something. Everyone in hell wants something. Mostly it’s to get out of Dodge. But they’ll all give up something for something, if you see what I mean.”
Excalibur shook her head.
“Your old man, like the rest of them, they’re too stoic – too proud to be bought. They don’t want anything but their freedom. And that’s the one thing you can’t barter from the old boy. But now you’ve made him one of them. What with his other…abilities…he can now sway them.”
“Meaning?”
“You’ve given him control over them.”
Excalibur went to speak, but Mary stopped her. “So he’s in control of all the Vampyr in hell?”
Hedgewig nodded. “Pretty much. Made him King of the Vampyr, if you like.”
Amid Mary’s gasp, and Lady raising her hand to her mouth, Excalibur said, “Well…fuck.” She frowned. “How do we stop him?”
“Well that’s simple. Kill him.”
“You want us to kill the Devil?”
“You’re the one that’s asking. I don’t want for nothin’.”
“Okay, fine. Can you tell us how we kill the Devil?”
“He who has been cast into the lake of fire shall have no power over man. But you have returned it.”
“Which means?” Mary asked.
“I’m not getting metaphysical or anything, but are you saying we need God’s help?” Excalibur asked.
“No. You simply need to kill the vampyr in him. Not kill the Devil. What are you, five?”
Excalibur raised her hand to speak again, but thought better of it.
“I must go.” Hedgewig looked nervously to the sky. “Before we are found.” He turned to the bushes again.
“Wait.” Lady stopped him. “How do we recognize a vampyr? I’ve never seen one.” She looked at Excalibur. “Another one.”
He turned back. “Excalibur will see them a mile off, but to you and I they will look quite human. There are ways that are lost in lore. Some say a seven year old boy and white horse will tell you, others say a flute of goats milk and a tray of canapé.” Hedgewig shrugged. “I cannot guide you further.” He turned and dashed into the undergrowth. “Come, Tiddles,” he called, and the fox darted from being unseen on one side of the path, to unseen on the other.
