Beautifully Damaged

by Gina Sevani

  I AWOKE TO THE smell of bacon and suddenly realized I had overslept. I planned to make Grams breakfast but according to the smell coming from the kitchen, that was already in the works. I pushed myself out of bed, but the entire time my body was fighting to crawl back under the covers. Hopefully, she wouldn't kick me out of the kitchen and I could help if she wasn't already finished.

  I was in a crappy mood. I'd talked to Damon several times and we had texted a lot but I hadn't seen him in a few days. I'd had a few nights off work, and free time to myself was the last thing I needed. I was ready to get back.

  "Morning Grams, can I help?"

  "Morning baby girl, can you make the toast?"

  "Yes, ma'am." I washed my hands and got started on the task.

  Grams had the CMT country countdown playing in the background, and she sang along quietly.

  "Baby girl, you shined on that stage the other night. I know those guys are attractive — I may be old, but I'm not blind — but you, well you shined bright like a diamond." She started dancing around the kitchen.

  Although my mind was somewhere dark, and my thoughts were trying to pull me under, I smiled. I smiled for her because of the effort she'd always put in to making me happy. She would never give up on me.

  "Thank you."

  I wondered if Grams is the only person her age who liked and listened to all types of music. One time I caught her rapping along to Iggy Azalea. She was loud, carefree, and insanely funny. No one would ever know she'd lost a lot of loved ones or struggled growing up. No mother should outlive her children and she'd lost her soul mate as well. She'd experienced a lot of pain over it all, but she was the strongest person I knew. She didn't let the negative outweigh the positive. I wish I had her strength.

  We ate and talked about what was going on in our lives, just to kill the silence. One thing Grams had always done was place flowers on our family's graves. Money wasn't overflowing for us, but she visited all the time, placed flower arrangements, especially on birthdays, and the anniversary date of when we'd lost them.

  I never understood placing flowers or anything on headstones the day they were taken. It's like people were celebrating something they had no business celebrating. I understand my family is in heaven, a much better place but they were still taken too soon. I just don't understand praising the day they were actually taken from us.

  Grams had set the flowers on the kitchen island. It was her way of telling me her plans. It was also an invitation to join her, which I never accepted. She never just came out and asked me to go along. I think it was because she already knew my answer and didn't want to make me feel worse or uncomfortable. I'm sure there were tons of people who thought it was horribly wrong or evil of me not to visit the cemetery. I had done so once, and that was enough. Besides, they weren't there anyway.

  I didn't stop to smell the flowers, but the smell consumed me as I quickly walked by. Today marked five years since I'd lost them. I had Grams, but at times I felt so freaking lonely especially around the anniversary of their deaths. Five years that I had gone without seeing their smiling faces, hearing their voices, or their beautiful laughter.

  I COULDN'T FUNCTION WELL enough to keep up with my tables, so in a nice way Big Joe told me to take the rest of the night off. An hour later and I'd been drowning my sorrows in a dark corner booth. We had a new part time bartender and I was so glad she'd been the one on shift because I didn't feel like explaining anything to Trish or Xav.

  Two shots plus a margarita, and my entire body was warm and fuzzy. I knew if I stood up, I wouldn't be able to walk straight. I never drank much and I should have stopped at one. I was a total lightweight. I wasn't drunk and stumbling over myself, I wasn't that far gone but I felt… good. I giggled at the thought, then my happy moment was stolen from me. The same question played in the back of my mind over and over for years. Why hadn't I died with them that day? Then again, I guess I kind of did. Not a single day went by I didn't wish it was me instead of them.

  I was so spaced out in my own little miserable world I didn't see or hear Damon until he sat down. "Whose ass do I need to kick, mermaid?"

  "That's original. I figured someone who wrote most of his songs and could talk his way into any woman's bed could definitely come up with something better than that." I regretted the words as I spat them out.

  "Damn, someone's pissy."

  I took a deep breath. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't mean that."

  His eyes searched mine. "Are you all right?" Damon whispered as he eyes flickered over my face. "I tried calling you."

  All right… I haven't been all right in a very long time. My mind was going crazy, but my body, well my body felt way too good. "I'm fine, you can go, thanks for asking." I waved him off then turned my margarita glass up once more, hoping there was another drop. There wasn't, and I wasn't sure about the walk back to the bar.

  "I'd rather stay even if that means you're going to lash out and say horrible things to me." He slid my glass away. "I'm a big boy, I can take it."

  "Look I'm no… not good company and I hate to ruin your night. So…"

  Damon sat quietly, giving me a puzzled look. I was already a ball of emotions, but damn if he didn't bring on even more. I couldn't take it. One of us needed to leave.

  "Just go, please," I whispered.

  Damon leaned over the table and brushed back some of the hair that had fallen around my eyes. We were having another one of those staring contests that felt like it lasted for days but it was merely a minute or so.

  "Why don't you let me make my own decision on whether I want to stay or go. Ariel, I want to stay, and you could never ruin my night by the way." His mouth turned up into a big smile.

  I just shook my head at him. "You really are a nice guy."

  Urgh! He was playing with his hat and pulled it down low, it almost covered his eyes, and I wanted to push it up so I could see them clearly.

  "Depends on who you ask, I guess."

  I leaned into him and pushed his hat up a little so I could see his eyes again.

  "You shouldn't cover them."

  "What?"

  "Your eyes," I said.

  "Yeah? Why's that?"

  "Because they're beautiful." Before I could kick my own ass or embarrass myself anymore, I grabbed my purse and walked away. By the time I actually made it to the door, I realized what being drunk felt like. I'd thought I was okay, slightly buzzed maybe, while sitting. But once I stood, everything seemed off. My balance was shot, and I swayed. My vision wasn't clear.

  Someone was pulling on my hand gently so I would stop.

  I pivoted a little too quickly and had to grab the guy's arm for support.

  It was Damon.

  "You can't drive home, Ariel."

  "No shit, Sherlock. I can't drive but I can walk just fine." I snapped at him.

  "The hell you can. It's after midnight."

  "Oh really sexy eyes? Watch me! What are you the nighttime police?" I giggled.

  Damon stepped toward me, eyes narrowed.

  "You think I have sexy eyes?"

  "I think everything about you is sexy, and I wish you would leave me the hell alone." I pushed at his chest, his very muscular chest.

  He chuckled and it was so damn adorable.

  "So you're one of those drunks. I like it, wonder what else I can find out about you tonight."

  Damon placed his arm around my waist. "Come on, ride with me."

  "I may be tipsy but you ain't getting that. Wait, why are you laughing?"

  "I meant I'll give you a ride home and drop you safely at your door."

  I needed to get away from him. I was getting more and more emotional. "No, I live just a few minutes away. I can walk, good night."

  "Ariel just get your ass in my car. NOW."

  "NO, Damon."

  I busted out with full on sobs that shook my entire body. He had to think I was a freak.

  "Whoa, Ariel, baby what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you sure you're not hu
rt?" Damon backed up a step and it appeared he was looking my body over to check for something. He placed his arms around me and pulled me in close. He held me so tight, we fit perfectly together. Damon was so warm. I wanted to tell him everything, but I couldn't tell him what he wanted to know. I just couldn't.

  One day I hoped he would understand.

  I buried my face in his chest, he smelled so good.

  "Please look at me. What can I do?"

  I shook my head. Why couldn't I stop trembling?

  "You're freaking me out a little, babe. I don't know what's wrong, did some jackass try something? Ariel, say something. You're making me wonder all kinds of things."

  I may have been tipsy, but when I looked up into his eyes, I knew that what we had was real. He was real. How things would play out later, I wasn't sure, but everything I felt for him was real.

  "Just hold me, Damon" I whispered. "I'm not ready for you to leave me too."

  He gasped, cursed, and wrapped me in a tighter embrace.

  My face was buried in his chest and I was ruining his shirt, but I just didn't have the energy to move. His hands gently cradled my face as he gently tried to get me to look up toward him. But the thought scared me.

  "I'm not going anywhere," he insisted softly. "But I need to know right now, did something happen tonight that I need to know about?" His grip tightened but not painfully. "Ariel, I'm serious, look at me, damn it. Did someone HURT you?"

  "It's not like that, Damon."

  He looked like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I wished I could feel the same. With a nod, Damon scooped me up like I weighed practically nothing. He carried me over to his car. I felt so exhausted, and my eyes were having trouble staying open.

  My last thought before I felt myself drift off was his car smelled exactly like him.

  "I love the way you smell," I whispered.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  OH MY… MY BODY WAS IN heaven. I stretched and moaned loudly, rolled over on my back just to do it again. The bed was soft and feathery, it was amazing. I was only awake for a few mere seconds before the pressure in my head started thumping. Shortly after, very shortly I realized I wasn't home, the bed… wasn't mine.

  What the hell? Where am I?

  I started to panic, and my heart rate dramatically increased. I tried to get my bearings, but the dark wasn't helping one bit. I never kept it that dark in my room. The pillows, sheets, and cover were not mine. They felt way too expensive to be mine.

  They're. Not. Mine…

  My hand trembled as I searched for a lamp without getting out of the bed. I knocked something to the floor instead. I didn't notice the fact I didn't have any clothes on until I sat up.

  What the hell? What the hell?

  Fighting for breath, I sat bolt upright. Immediately, the soft pad of footsteps approached, and a light knock on the door startled me. I couldn't see anything, not even my hand in front of my face. There was no way I could find anything to protect myself with. The light switched on at the same time I jerked the covers to hide the fact I was almost naked.

  "Hey," Damon said softly.

  "Oh, thank God." I let out a deep breath I didn't even know I had held. My heart was still going wild and I placed my hand against it as I tried to calm myself.

  I was really confused but happy to see him because that meant I wasn't in danger. My thoughts became more coherent, and then I remembered the clothes. Damon just leaned on the door frame and rubbed his palms across his face roughly, I guessed to try and help him wake up. He finally spoke again.

  "Morning. I heard you moving around, and I didn't want you to freak about being in a strange place. Are you okay?"

  I was speechless. I had no clue if anything happened between us.

  "Where are my clothes?"

  "Oh, shit," he murmured.

  I stared, struggling to recall the night before.

  "Umm nothing happened," he said quickly. "Ariel, I would never take advantage of you like that. Do you think I'm that kind of guy?"

  "No, actually I don't." I massaged my temples to try and release some of the pressure. Memories from the night before were coming back to me. Flash after flash they played out. The flowers on the kitchen island, drinking, and running into Damon. And that was where it got a little fuzzy. Damon came and sat down on the edge of the bed. I reached for my necklace but felt nothing.

  "Where's my necklace?" I started to freak out and panic even more than waking up in a strange place. He pointed toward the nightstand.

  "Guessing, that means a lot to you."

  "Yeah… yeah it does." He nodded but, thankfully, didn't pry.

  "So, ummm… what did I do or say? What happened last night, and can you explain why I'm only in my bra and panties?"

  He laughed a little. It was a beautiful laugh.

  "Nothing really, you were upset and drank too much. You passed out on me. I wasn't about to take you home to your grandmother in the condition you were in so I brought you here."

  Damon tried to hide the smile but his eyes lit up anyway. He was doing a terrible job. That was how I knew he wasn't telling me everything. That wasn't the entire truth.

  "Fantastic, what else?" I groaned into the sheets and tried to cover my face.

  "Nothing, that's it." The expression on his face was giving much more away.

  "You're a shitty liar; I need to know all the details, Damon."

  He clasped my hand in his and stroked it gently as he gazed right into my eyes. A girl could get lost in his gaze.

  "Details, all right," he said then took a deep breath and held it for a second. He bit into his lower lip. I could tell he was in serious thought, probably contemplating the details he wanted to share.

  "I didn't undress you. You wanted… damn it; I don't want you to be pissed or uncomfortable. Well, you wanted to… you know. But nothing at all happened. You started taking your clothes off — I turned around like the gentleman I am and you crawled under my covers. Ten seconds you were asleep."

  I buried myself under his pillows and sheets. To say I was horrified and completely embarrassed was putting it mildly. I had thrown myself at him and apparently not only was that humiliating enough, but he hadn't wanted me. I never wanted to crawl out from under those covers again. I didn't need daylight… or food.

  "Ariel, look at me."

  It was so hard not to do what he asked when he used that tone.

  "No."

  "Why are you embarrassed?"

  "Really… You have to ask?"

  "You know I want you, and we're going to happen, so go ahead and start processing it in that brain of yours. But I would never take you with a chance of you not remembering it Ariel."

  I peeked over the blanket. "Trust me… you would remember me." His sexy smirk was back. Damon was so close to me. All I could think about was kissing him. He leaned in a little farther, and closed his eyes like he was struggling with a decision on whether or not to actually kiss me.

  "I need you to get dressed… like right now."

  "Ummm… okay." I glanced around the room, anywhere but at him.

  "I'm messing this up. It's not like that, so don't ever think that way babe but I'm way too close to you, and all I can think about is your sexy ass lacy black panties."

  What?

  I quickly peeked to see what color I was wearing. He was right, and I blushed like crazy.

  "You liar, you said you didn't look."

  Damon fell back on to the bed and laughed so hard. It was adorable, he seemed so relaxed, and completely carefree. I loved getting to see that side of him.

  "What do you expect when you bend over and shake it at me? A man can only resist so much."

  "OHMYGOD, I didn't, Damon."

  He said nothing, just stared at me and grinned.

  "Damon!" I shouted.

  "No babe, you didn't but feel free to anytime." He winked at me.

  "It happened so fast, I got a tiny peek before I turned around. Besides, I
really couldn't handle seeing you on all fours crawling up my bed."

  I gasped. "STOP IT." My laugh turned into a hysterical mess until I had a few tears fall down my cheeks. Damon laughed with me but never made a move to advance on me.

  "Get your ass dressed. I'm making you breakfast. I laid out some of my clothes in case you need them."

  Damon walked out the room and I watched his every move. What was a man like that doing with me? I stayed in bed for just a few more minutes as I tried to process everything that happened. My luck was so shitty, or was it good for once?

  I couldn't believe I drank so much to not be in control of any situation that came my way, and it made me feel like crap. Well, the amount I consumed wasn't a lot, just too much for me. At least Damon had been there to help me, so I'd had a safe place to land. It dawned on me that I was able to depend on him enough to help me, it didn't go unnoticed that I let my guard down enough for him to be able to help me in the first place. I was so stupid and I knew better.

  Although, I felt terrible for how things had played out and how he saw me in such a weak state. I couldn't help the smile that broke over my face. It was nice to be desired and to be taken care of. I needed to make a decision fast. If I was going to try and let him in or build my walls back up with steel that he'd managed to break down. Most people never even realize they put a wall up in the first place. But I did. In the fancy romance novels, the person has the wall up to protect them. Then someone special was supposed to come along and start tearing it down piece by little broken piece and then said person is so shocked to even realize they were trying not to feel anything the entire time.