Regret felt like sandpaper on her tongue and tasted as bitter as vinegar. At one time she’d believed the worst regret she’d ever feel was when she realized the consequences of that one night with Noah. But this was worse. She’d told him about Charlie and he’d reacted with confusion and fear and coldhearted shock. There was no other way to put it.
Well, fine, she’d told him she’d raise Charlie on her own, and she meant it. She would have the support of her family, and that’s all she would need. She and her son would be safe and happy, and all the family she’d ever desire.
Ava slammed the toilet seat down and sat. Her eyes burned. She grabbed a piece of toilet paper in case they started leaking, but she sure as heck hoped they didn’t. Noah wasn’t worth the first tear. True, she’d allowed herself to imagine a future with him, the kind of future that her brothers had. And she knew if that were to happen she’d have to tell Noah about Charlie.
It’s not like she could have told him before, at least not before he’d come for Sawyer at Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving? Just a few weeks ago, and so much had happened. She’d helped a troubled fourteen-year-old find a place of comfort. She’d advanced her ties to Charlie. She’d tried to understand Noah. She’d fallen in love...
No! Stop it. You’re not in love, she told herself. In fact, you’re lucky you’ve seen the true side of Noah Walsh. Sawyer had been right all along. He was selfish, self-serving. He’d spent years not considering his daughter above all else. What parent did that? Even if he was doing better now, that didn’t make up for years of neglect. Charlie was better off without him. She was better off...
Ava wiped her eyes.
A terrifying thought suddenly occurred to her. What if Noah told Sawyer about Charlie? Would Sawyer tell everyone about her connection to the boy? Would she feel even more animosity toward her father? Would she think Ava was too judgmental against her father? Or would she feel like Charlie had dodged a bullet by not having Noah Walsh for a father?
Surely Noah wouldn’t do that. Surely he understood how this knowledge could affect all of them. Surely he would jump in his truck and head back to Chapel Hill, cast or no cast and return to the life that stroked his ego and made him a hero in the eyes of every one of his crew members.
Noah had to go. Ava couldn’t risk running into him if he stayed in the little cottage next to the school. It would hurt too badly. She would be reminded of his rejection of the beautiful boy they’d conceived together. If only she hadn’t begun to care so deeply for him.
“Where’s Ava?” She heard Jace’s booming voice through the bathroom door and the haze of her anguish. “I want to dance with my sister,” he bellowed.
She had to leave the bathroom. This was Jace’s wedding after all. She was a bridesmaid. She was beyond happy for Jace and Kayla. She was beyond miserable for herself... She dried her eyes, blew her nose, plastered a smile on her face and went into the decorated barn. Greenery, blue and silver lights, candles on every table. A slow waltz coming from the four-piece band.
“There you are.” Jace grabbed her arm. “This song is just about your pace, big sister,” he joked. “I wouldn’t want you to sprain an ankle with a rock number.”
She practically fell into his arms and let him awkwardly dance her around the barn floor. For a guy who played guitar and once claimed music was his life, he was unbelievably clumsy. The only man who would dance worse tonight was Noah, with his cast. She stared over Jace’s shoulder looking for Noah, for Sawyer.
“I don’t see the Walshes,” she said into her brother’s ear.
“They left. I heard Noah go up to his daughter and say, ‘We’re leaving.’ Kinda strange, don’t you think?”
Not strange at all, she thought.
“Don’t worry, sis. If your escort turned out to be a jerk, we’ll get you home safe and sound.”
The song ended and Jace actually dipped her in a flourish of gallantry. “How about that move?” he teased when she was upright. “It’s been a great night.”
* * *
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, Dad? I was having fun.”
Other than a few unintelligible grumblings, Noah and Sawyer hadn’t spoken for several miles. Now that they were approaching the school, Sawyer apparently decided to open up.
She tried again. “Is your leg hurting?”
“No.”
“Then why did we leave?”
He breathed deeply, calmed his escalating emotions. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? Something happened, that’s all.”
“What? You were having fun with Ava, weren’t you? And then you two just disappeared...” She halted. “Ohhh, so that’s it. You had a fight with Ava.”
Deciding it might be better to admit some of the truth to his ultraclever daughter, he gave her a slight nod. “A little disagreement, that’s what it was.”
“A little disagreement, and I would still be there waiting for cake. Now I’m hauling my butt back to Sawtooth with only memories of that three tiers of sugary perfection to lull me to sleep. Geez, Dad, it’s Christmas Eve!”
“I’m aware of the date,” he said.
“What’s going on with you and Ava anyway? I thought something might be happening between the two of you when you wanted to see her after dinner the other night and made me go in my cottage. And she always goes to see you at the house when I’m not there.”
Sawyer took a great gulp of air. “Oh no! You’ve been hooking up with her and she dumped you!”
She dumped on me, is more like it. “She didn’t dump me, and not that it’s any of your business, but we haven’t been hooking up, so get that notion out of your head.”
“But you do like her?”
I did. Very much. I do. I don’t know. “Of course I like her. She’s accomplished and caring and organized and...”
“So what did she do tonight?” Sawyer interrupted. “Failed to care enough for you? Or did she—” Sawyer pretended to be aghast “—act a bit disorganized?”
He pulled in front of his daughter’s cottage. “Will I see you tomorrow?” he asked as a way to steer the conversation away from his shock and confusion. Knowing Sawyer, she’d probably blurt out the truth. I know what happened. You and Ava met before and had a thing one night. And Charlie is your son.
Good grief, Walsh, what’s happening to you? Even Sawyer couldn’t guess the details of this turn of events.
“I have some Christmas gifts for you,” he said. “Ordered them all online since I wasn’t in any shape to go shopping. But I think you’ll like them. Some of them, anyway.”
“That’s all you’re going to tell me?” she said in her most challenging voice.
“That’s it. So I’ll see you tomorrow?”
She got out of the truck. “Tell you what, Dad. You keep the gifts. I’ll bet you can return every one of them. I’ll just take a few from the mountain of donated stuff in Ava’s office. Even a stupid stuffed animal would be better than putting up with your mood tomorrow.” She slammed the truck door.
After she was inside, he backed the truck out of the parking lot and headed to his rented house with its lonely little tree. He’d have a big glass of whatever he had in that top cupboard over the refrigerator and drink until he fell asleep on the couch. One thing was for sure. He wasn’t about to hear any tidings of comfort and joy tonight.
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHRISTMAS DAY STRUGGLED to dawn through a layer of gray clouds and misty rain. Ava rose early, put on her red dress and made the rounds to all the cottages visiting with the few residents who hadn’t gone home for the holiday. Try as she might, she couldn’t find the energy or attitude to feel merry on this bleak wintry morning.
Her mood improved the instant she saw Charlie though, still in his pj’s sitting in a mound of torn wrapping paper near the tree Snowy Mountain had donated to each cottage. He looked like any other five-year-old on the happiest d
ay of the year, showing off his gifts. He seemed especially excited about the extra-large interconnecting blocks Ava had bought for him and put under the tree.
“I’m going to make the biggest thing ever,” he told her.
She ruffled his hair. “I don’t doubt that for a minute. Merry Christmas, sweetie.” She wrapped him in a hug and almost cried when his little arms came around her and squeezed love right into her heart.
This is why I woke up feeling so miserable, she told herself. How could anyone not see the goodness in this boy’s heart? This is why I have to forget Noah. No sacrifice is too great to make a life with this precious boy. Soon. Today would be a giant step forward in making her dream a reality. She was going to tell her mother everything.
Now she had a second chance and life didn’t offer too many of those. She truly was lucky this Christmas morning. Before leaving Charlie’s side, she had an idea, which suddenly seemed so right. She told Mrs. Carmichael that she was taking the boy with her to her family Christmas at the Cahill farm. A second giant step.
“That’s wonderful,” the cottage mother said. “He’ll have a great time visiting with the animals.”
And he’ll meet his grandmother, his two uncles, perhaps his stepuncle, Robert, and two adorable cousins. When she told Charlie about their special adventure, he popped up from playing with his toys.
“I have to get dressed. Today will be the best day ever!”
And Ava made a silent wish that it would be for all of them.
* * *
NOAH AWOKE WITH a pounding headache and the deepest regret that he’d taken that bottle down from the cupboard. He got out of bed and made it to the kitchen where he spied the empty bottle, uttered a mild curse and tossed it in the trash. Then he found his container of aspirin, swallowed three tablets and made coffee.
“Pull yourself together, Walsh,” he said after the first sip of really strong brew. “You’ve got some serious thinking to do. And some situations to make right.” Truly he didn’t have a clue how he would make amends with the people he’d angered last night. But he would start with his daughter.
“What do you want, Dad?” she said when she answered her cell phone.
“I’m not giving up, Sawyer. I’m coming to get you and you’re coming over here to open presents.”
She sighed, remained silent for way too long. “You can’t do that,” she said. “Mrs. Carmichael won’t let me leave with you unless Ava approves it.”
“What? That stupid rule is still in effect?”
“Yep, ’fraid so.”
“That’s hogwash...”
“Hold on. I’ll sneak out and walk over to your place.”
Good for Sawyer. She hadn’t lost all her spunk. “Great idea. Don’t get caught.”
She snickered. “Dad, come on. It’s me.”
She showed up an hour later. Noah’s heart swelled when he spied her coming through the trees, her hoodie pulled tight against the mist.
“I made cocoa,” he said. “When you were a kid...”
“Coffee, please,” she said. She had a few sips, and then switched to hot chocolate. “Your coffee is terrible.”
They opened presents. She even had stuck a couple for him under the tree, hiding them beneath a throw rug. His sneaky, clever daughter. He complimented the sunglasses she bought him and claimed he really needed a new wallet.
Either she liked the things he bought her or she pretended to. Either way, Noah couldn’t help letting a bit of Christmas spirit into his damaged soul. Maybe like Ebenezer Scrooge, he actually had a chance of having a few good holidays in the future. If he only knew what it would take to guarantee that.
When they were finished, Noah asked his daughter to stay awhile. “Sit down, Sawyer. There is something I have to tell you.”
His heart hammered. His palms sweated. He was more frightened than he’d ever been on an Air Force jet or a five-hundred-foot tower.
“What is it?” she asked.
“It’s about Ava and that little kid, Charlie,” he began. “You deserve to know the truth.”
If Sawyer had been another type of kid, maybe he wouldn’t have been able to tell her about his past. But she was smart and worldly for a fourteen-year-old so he just had to trust his instincts on this one. He started with six years before and continued to when he’d faced Ava on the threshold of her apartment several weeks ago.
Sawyer didn’t interrupt, a rarity from her. She listened intently, without judgment, so he concluded with an admission that he was developing long-lasting feelings for Ava.
Sawyer snorted. “Is that what you said to her? ‘Ava, I think I have long-lasting feelings for you’?”
“Good grief no,” he said. “I can be more romantic than that.”
“I hope so.” She tucked one leg under her and leaned back on the sofa. She looked as casual as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Noah, on the other hand, was a trembling, aching mass of nerves.
“So what now?” Sawyer asked. “You’ve made Ava mad. She thinks you don’t want to have anything to do with her son, your son, my brother—who, by the way, is a really cool kid. What are you going to do?”
“Honestly? I don’t know. You are aware, more than anyone, that I’m not exactly a prizewinner in the parenting department. Taking on another kid, maybe raising another runaway, another offspring who hates me...”
“Now who’s a drama queen?” she said.
“I’m just stating the facts, Sawyer. Maybe my job isn’t conducive to raising a kid.”
“Ya’ think?”
“But it’s what I do, and I’m good at it.”
“I’m not used to complimenting you,” she said. “But here goes. Dad, you’d be good at anything you did.” She smiled. “Except maybe parenting. But it’s not in you to be anything less than the best at what you do.”
He stared at her a moment before saying, “Thank you, Sawyer.”
“Don’t thank me. What I’m saying is that I’m not going to buy that ‘can’t get another job’ line anymore.”
He sighed. “Okay, I guess I could get another job. I’m not really over the hill. I do have a few skills.”
“So what’s your plan from this point on?”
“I don’t know but I can’t leave things this way. I’ve got to see Ava, try again to explain my shock at what she told me, my fear about what it means. I didn’t use the right words yesterday. Maybe they will come to me today.”
“I don’t think that’s all you need to do,” Sawyer said.
“What do you mean?”
“I think you ought to get to know one pretty cute little boy. He just might make up your mind for you.”
He didn’t say anything for a long minute. Just sat there considering what Sawyer said. “I suppose Ava is out at her family’s place,” he said. “It is Christmas, and I’m sure those people make a big thing of it.”
“I imagine.”
“I figure I’ll go out there.”
“Seems like a good plan to me,” Sawyer said.
“Can you get back to the cottage without getting caught?”
She shook her head. “Dad, seriously?”
He stood. “Give me your hand.” She did and he gently pulled her up from the sofa. “I feel this incredible urge to give you a hug.”
“Go for it.”
He brought his daughter to his chest and held her close and long. The gesture reminded him of when Sawyer was a little girl, before the hugs had stopped, before the feelings between them had been severed beyond repair—or so he’d thought. If he could get this feeling back, maybe there was hope for all of them.
* * *
THE SUN HAD finally decided to break through the gray cover of clouds when Ava drove up to her mother’s house at noon.
“Wow, this place is really neat,” Charlie said. “Is t
hat a real barn?”
She smiled at him. “It certainly is. And inside we have a cow and a horse and a goat or two. Would you like to see them?”
He nodded with enthusiasm.
“And inside the house we have Buster. He’s a big dog, but he’s got a soft spot in his heart for little boys.”
“So I can meet him, too?”
“It’s more likely that he’ll be running around like crazy trying to meet you. I just want to make sure you understand that you don’t have to be afraid of Buster.”
“Okay. I like dogs.”
Ava noticed that hers was the last car to park in front of the house. The car with out-of-state plates obviously belonged to Kayla’s parents. Her brothers and their families had already arrived. Even Jace, who’d put off his honeymoon so Kayla and Nathan could experience a true country Christmas.
“I want you to meet some people,” Ava said. “My two brothers, my mother, and my niece and nephew. Maybe you and Emily and Nathan can play a game together.”
They went into the house and Emily and Nathan ran from the kitchen. “Who’s this?” Emily asked.
“This is Charlie,” Ava said. “He’s going to have Christmas dinner with us.”
Emily reacted just as Ava knew she would. “That’s cool. But we’re gonna play first.” She gave him a secretive look. “Grandma calls playing ‘staying out of her hair,’ whatever that means.”
“I like to play,” Charlie said.
Jace came into the living room next, completely at ease with seeing a stranger with his sister. Since she’d been a little girl, Ava had been bringing uninvited guests to the house, both two-legged and four-legged, so the appearance of another wasn’t a big deal. “Hi, kid,” Jace said, shaking his hand.
Soon everyone in the house except Cora had met Charlie. The boy seemed to beam under all the attention.
“Where’s Mama?” Ava asked her brother.
High Country Christmas Page 20
