Before I even reach the kitchen, I hear her screams and the sound of them does something to me. Each one is like a white-hot poker being stabbed through my heart.
My heart pounds with every step I run. I practically fly into the living room and throw my arms around Riley to keep her from going for the fire.
“Kill it!” I yell at Camden. He runs for the fire extinguisher we keep nearby and quickly puts the fire out.
Riley goes limp in my arms. “Let her go!” I snap at Mike.
He backs away and I quickly pick her up. She curls into my chest and it only makes the ache inside me spread. I walk as fast as I can, taking her to her room.
I kick the door shut behind us and then place her down on the bed.
Panic flares up in her eyes, making them look impossibly big.
“Can you hear her?” She starts to sit up which makes me sit down so I can have a better hold on her. I place my right arm around her, pinning her back to my chest.
Her hair is a wild mess. I start to brush the strands away from her face when Amelia comes into the room.
She sits down in front of Riley. “Swallow this, it will help you calm down.”
Riley shakes her head and tries to yank her body free from my grip.
“She needs me!” she screams. She almost succeeds in slapping the glass of water from Amelia’s hand. “I have to put out the fire,” she starts to sob heartbrokenly.
“This isn’t going to work. I need to go get an injection.”
I give Amelia a look, telling her to stop wasting time and to go get it already.
I place my left hand over Riley’s forehead so she doesn’t head butt me while she’s in this state.
Amelia returns quickly and checks the injection one more time before she sticks it into Riley’s arm.
She quickly stands back and watches Riley with worried eyes.
Riley’s panicked rambling starts to turn to whimpers and somehow it’s more heartbreaking than hearing her screams. Her body starts to relax into mine and then, finally, the whimpering stops.
“What the hell happened?” Amelia snaps like this is all my fault.
“Mike lit the fire in the living room.”
Amelia’s eyes go wide with anger. “Why the hell? We all agreed no talk of coffee, fire, guns, knives …” she ticks them all off on her fingers and then almost spits the words out, “Those are all triggers! I was starting to gain ground with her.”
“I know,” I say just to calm her down. Riley losing her shit is more than enough for one night.
Amelia opens her mouth to lay into me again but I stop her.
“I said, I know. I’ll deal with it tomorrow. Thanks for your help. I’ll stay with her tonight. You go get some rest.”
She looks torn in two but then listens to me and leaves. When she closes the door behind her, I take a deep breath.
I let go of Riley’s forehead and pull her into a lying position next to me. I keep an arm around her so I’ll feel if she moves.
I kick off my shoes and try to make myself as comfortable as possible for the night.
Minutes tick by before I start to relax. Amelia is right. I had a meeting with them all the morning after the coffee incident with Miles. We discussed what subjects to avoid so we wouldn’t trigger anything for Riley.
Amelia actually made a point of how we can introduce those items back into Riley’s life at a later stage once she’s become more stable. Leaving it might not be such a good idea, not after the way Riley reacted tonight. I’ll start working on those issues with her.
Fuck, Riley was doing so well. I hope we don’t lose all the ground we’ve gained with her.
I shift my body into a more comfortable position and pull Riley closer, letting her head rest on my chest. Absentmindedly, I let my fingers trail through her hair while I think of all the shit that’s happened.
Sometimes, it feels like my entire life is going to hell. I’ve never felt so frustrated before. I just want confirmation that Volkov is taken care off.
I want to get out of this house so I can deal with the hole that Josh’s death has left in my life. I’ll somehow have to help Riley adjust to a life without her family. She’ll need to decide what she wants to do with all their belongings.
Fuck, there’s still such a hard road for her to walk. I have no idea how I’m going to get us through this.
My eyes trail down her face and I take in her petite features. Her hair is silky soft. I feel a burst of warmth in my chest and it makes me wrap my arms around her.
She does something to me. She makes my protective side roar to life. She makes me want to lock her in my room where I can keep her safe – where I can get to know her body.
I’m not surprised by the direction my thoughts are heading in. Riley is all female and well, I’m all male. She’s exactly the type I’d go for.
My eyes drift down her tight body that’s tucked in so close to mine. She’s a perfect fit against me. I can only imagine what a perfect fit we’d be naked.
I groan as I start to harden. I close my eyes and will the desire to the back of my mind.
I press my left hand down on my dick as I try not to focus on her soft floral scent, or her soft curves.
Yeah right, like it’s going to be that easy.
Riley~
I wake up, and it feels like I’ve been run over by a train. I turn my head slightly and frown when I look into Griffin’s sleeping face. I’m confused to see him in bed next to me.
For a moment I hear his heart beating. I feel his chest rise and fall under my cheek before the sleep clears from my mind. I sit up quickly and watch as his eyes fly open. I look around the room for any signs that might give me a clue as to why he’s in my bed.
I scoot a little back and try to form words but none come out. I try to remember the night before but the last thing I remember was reading in the library.
“How do you feel?” he asks as he sits up.
He’s fully dressed and I’m fully dressed so that cancels out anything intimate … I think. My face flushes hot at the thought that something might have happened.
“I’m okay,” I answer warily. “I don’t want to sound rude, but why did you sleep here?”
He rubs a hand over his tired face and then throws his legs off the bed. I watch as he grabs his shoes and gets up.
“I didn’t sleep. I was just keeping an eye on you. You had an anxiety attack, or a panic attack, whatever they call it these days. Amelia gave you an injection to calm down. You slept right through the night, which is a good thing.”
I shove a hand through my messy hair, still unable to remember any of what he just said.
“I had a panic attack?” I scoot off the bed and walk to where he’s standing. “I don’t remember having one.”
He rubs his unshaven jaw and it makes a rough scraping sound.
“You were pretty out of it. You walked into the living room and Mike did something stupid to upset you. It just spiraled out of control very fast.”
I take another step closer to him. “What did Mike do?”
“He lit the fireplace.” He says it carefully, his eyes sharp on me.
He’s expecting me to freak out again; that’s why he’s looking at me like that.
“Oh.” It’s all I can say. I feel embarrassed for losing my shit like that. I glance back to the bed. “You spent the whole night here?”
“Yeah, just in case.”
I look up at him again. “You didn’t care all the other nights. Why last night?”
He frowns, and my question actually seems to anger him. “What do you mean, I didn’t care?”
I realize that the words came out wrong and quickly try to rectify them.
“That’s not what I meant. It’s just that every night I stay awake because it’s harder to sleep. You know, demons don’t come out to play as much during the day. You could have put me to bed like you did the first day you brought me here. You could have left Amelia with me, like you did
in the beginning. What changed?”
He keeps looking at me, and it feels as if his eyes narrow in on me until I’m all he sees.
“I was hiding the first few weeks, Riley. It’s not easy dealing with the fact that I’m responsible for my best friend’s death and his family. It wasn’t, and it’s still not easy looking at you, knowing that I’m the one who caused you this pain. You lost it last night. I mean, you completely lost it. It was as if you were there, watching your mom dying all over and seeing you like that … it kills a man. It kills me every day knowing what I let happen.”
I want to say something to make him feel better but I have no words.
How can I give him hope if I have none?
I don’t know how to comfort him. I don’t even know if I have it in me to help myself, never mind him.
Two days have passed since the panic attack, and I’m thankful that things around the house didn’t change because of it. Everyone still treats me the same as before and I’m so grateful for that.
I’ve just finished doing the dishes when Griffin comes into the kitchen.
The corner of his mouth twitches into a sexy smile. I stare at his mouth thinking that he should definitely smile more.
I watch as he takes two mugs from the cupboard and begins to make hot chocolate.
When he’s done, he turns to me. “Want to come sit with me at the pool?”
I’m a little surprised. Why does he care so much? He doesn’t really know me. He was Josh’s friend and it’s not like we have a history. I know so little about him.
“Why do you care?” I whisper. “It’s not like we were friends before all of this happened.”
He shakes his head, looking down at the two mugs. “I know we weren’t friends before all of this, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends now. I can’t stop thinking about you, Riley. I’d like to get to know you better.”
A lump grows painfully in the back of my throat. “You’re only going to waste your time on me, Griffin. I’m not the girl I used to be,” I say, looking down at my hands to avoid his reaction. “To be honest, I don’t know who I am anymore.”
He places the mugs on the table and then comes to stand in front of me. He places his finger under my chin, nudging it up so that I have to look at him.
“I want to know you, Riley. If you’re a mess right now, that’s fine. Then I’ll get to know the mess. You’re not a waste of time.”
My heart is beating so fast that he can probably hear it slamming against my ribs.
“I just don’t want you to regret it,” I say, trying to catch my breath and slow my heartbeat.
“I just want to be your friend, Riley.” He is standing so close that I can smell his aftershave. It’s not easy ignoring a man like Griffin. His presence demands to be noticed. His body demands to be admired. He’s all man, so much so that it’s an intense experience just to be near him.
“Why me?” I whisper, hoping that he can’t read my thoughts. He doesn’t need to know what I’m feeling or thinking.
“Why not you?” he asks, running his thumb across my chin and up my jaw. It makes tingles rush to life, setting my skin on fire.
“Things aren’t exactly easy for me right now,” I whisper. I try to drop my eyes from his, but he just nudges at my chin again, forcing me to keep eye contact.
“What do you have to lose, Riley?”
He’s right. I’ve lost everything of value to me. I have nothing more to lose.
I hesitate for a second before I whisper, “Okay.”
“Great. Let’s have the hot chocolate before it gets cold.”
I watch him as we walk to the poolroom. Every step he takes is filled with power and dominance. He’s got this bigger than life vibe about him that makes me feel safe.
When we get to the pool, he hands me one of the mugs. He tucks one hand into the pocket of his jeans as he brushes his tongue along his lower lip. My eyes are focused on his mouth as he takes a sip.
I can actually sense tension between us. Not the bad kind. It’s an intense pull that makes me highly aware of him as a man.
I take a sip of the hot chocolate and then almost moan. It’s divine. The man sure knows how to make a good hot chocolate. I wonder about all the things he might be good at.
His eyes trail over my face. It feels like a caress, which makes me blush.
“I have something to admit,” I say, feeling a little self-conscious. He’s taken a huge step with me tonight and I feel it will only be right if I take a step with him.
“Oh, yeah. What’s that?” he asks, smiling down at me.
I swallow the nervous feeling and take a deep breath. “I could use a friend.”
I hope he doesn’t see it as me being weak or needy.
He takes my hand and pulls me to where a bench is at the far end of the room. It’s half hidden behind the waterfall.
We sit down and I watch as he places his mug on the floor. He sits back up, and I’m constantly aware of his muscles rippling beneath his shirt.
He cups my face and lets his thumbs brush over the swell of my cheeks. The attraction I feel is overwhelming and it makes me close my eyes so I can hide it from him.
“I’d love to be your friend, Riley,” he whispers, leaning into me. I feel his breath skim over my forehead, and then his lips brush tenderly over my skin.
Friends. It’s a start.
I’ve just finished reading, If I Stay by Gayle Forman.
My heart is a mess.
I place the book with the others I’ve read and then look at Amelia.
“Why do you read?”
She places the book on her chest and stares up at the ceiling. “Why do all people read? I guess it’s to escape life. When I read a sad book, it makes me appreciate what I have. When I read a romance, it makes me dream about what could be. I read because, in the end it makes me feel good.”
“How did If I Stay make you feel good? I feel like shit.”
She sits up and looks me square in the eye. “What were your feelings throughout the book?”
I think about her question for a while before I answer.
“I was heartbroken at first, and then I went from being hopeful for her to angry because she wanted to give up. She was actually considering just giving up and that pissed me off.”
Amelia nods. “How’s it any different from what happened to you?”
My chest tightens just at the thought of my family. I feel anger bubble inside of me. How dare Amelia compare a book to what happened to me?
“That was a book. My family is gone. It’s not just another chapter.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” She stands up and comes to sit by me. “Somewhere out there, that’s someone’s life. Somewhere out there, someone has to make the same decision as you. What happened was horrible. But you know what?” She takes my hand and holds it in both of hers. “You survived, Riley. There’s a reason why you survived.”
“What reason could that possibly be?”
She tucks some of my hair behind my ear.
“I asked that same question and never in a million years did I think my reason for living after Ben would be to help you. There’s someone out there who needs you, Riley. You’re going to mourn your loss. You’re going to move past the devastation and start to remember the good times you had with them. You’re going to become this amazingly strong woman that’s going to pick up a shattered soul and help them stand on their own feet again.”
I want to believe her so badly. I want to believe that this pain will pass.
“You know what I did in the beginning?” I shake my head and she quickly continues, “I started a journal. Every time after I read a book I’d write my favorite quote from that book down, and the lesson I learned from it. After a while, I had a book full of positive quotes I could go back to.”
“I like that idea very much.”
She squeezes my hand before she gets up. “I’m going to go make some hot chocolate. You want some?”
I shake my head. “No, thank you. I’ll get one later.”
She walks to the door before she turns back to me, pointing to a table behind me. I glance over my shoulder and see a notebook lying there.
“That’s your journal. I figured you might want to start writing down those quotes.”
I smile widely as I get up. “Thank you so much, Amelia.”
“Don’t mention it.”
She turns to walk again when I quickly say, “I mean, thank you … for everything. Thank you for being there for me from the start.”
She places her hand over her heart and whispers, “Anytime, Riley. I’ll always be there.”
I take the brown leather journal and stare long and hard at the first book I read.
There are so many favorite quotes that I just can’t choose one.
What did I learn from it?
I start to write, and when I’m done, I smile. My eyes take in the words I’ve written when an idea comes to mind. I tear the sheet of paper from the book and quickly walk out of the library. I’m thankful when I get to Griffin’s office without anyone seeing me, and even more grateful when he’s not there.
I quickly place the piece of paper on his desk and make a run for it.
I hope that in some way the lessons I learn from the books will be able to help him.
.
Griffin~
I’ve had a talk with Mike, and I hope he listens. It’s not like I can ask him to leave. We’re at a safe house after all.
He seemed remorseful enough after I had the talk with him. He even offered to go and apologize to Riley, but I advised against it. I’ve also placed him in the monitor room, to lessen the chances of Riley running into him.
I’m glad to see that she’s gone back to reading books with Amelia and doing dishes with Miles. It’s a comfort knowing she’s doing something and not just hiding in her room like the first few weeks.
It’s almost been two months since we lost Josh and his family, but, fuck, it still feels like yesterday.
The other night when we had hot chocolate was a really good night. It feels like I’m getting somewhere with her, like we could actually be friends. Fuck knows, we could both use a friend right now. I plan on making the hot chocolate thing a regular occurrence.
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