by Baker, LJ
"You're young. You've never been in love. How do you even know you're in love now?"
His words stung.
"Because I feel it. The same way you know you love me."
"But I have something to compare it to. I've had at least a dozen girlfriends. I know what I feel for you is different from anyone else I've ever had feelings for." He pulled my chin toward him. "Did you think you loved Zach?"
I certainly wasn't expecting that. I wasn't even sure how to answer. Zach was my first major crush. I thought I was so in love at the time, but that faded fast after living with him in the basement.
"I … I guess I did, at first. But, that means I do have something to compare it to. I didn't feel at all for Zach the way I feel about you."
"How do you feel about Dan?" Will stepped back and gave me a moment t think about it.
I was even more shocked by the question. "What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I asked." He sat down on the chair and leaned back as if he were expecting bad news and was preparing himself for it.
"Will, I'm in love with you. Dan has nothing to do with this." I wasn't sure whether to defend my feelings for him or be angry that he was questioning them.
"You didn't answer the question, Andi."
"No, I guess I didn't and I don't think I need to. Dan and I are friends."
Will got up and walked back over to me. "I need you to answer the question." His eyes begged me and I knew he wasn't going to drop it.
"I care about him. You know I do."
"Okay, let me ask you this, then. If you never met me, would you be in love with him?"
I didn't want to answer that question. It was one I had asked myself on more than one occasion, and I knew the answer. My guess, from the way Will was looking at me, was that he did too.
I dropped my head down, unable to look at him at that moment.
He pulled my chin back up again, and gave me a small smile. "Baby, I know you and Dan are friends, but we both know you love him. It might not be the same as it is with me, but that doesn't mean that in time it won't become that way. Can you say with one hundred percent certainty that won't happen?"
I thought about that for a moment. I loved Dan, sure, but I knew absolutely in my heart that it was nothing like the way I felt about Will.
"Yes." It all hit me at once and I was suddenly very sure. "I can say that with one hundred percent certainty. You have stolen my heart, and I never intend to ask for it back."
Will smiled and ran his thumb over my bottom lip. "I hope not." He leaned forward and kissed me, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth before pulling away. "God, I missed you."
"Oh? How much did you miss me?" I ran my finger down his chest and stopped at his belt.
One side of Will's mouth came up into a crooked smirk. He kept his head down but raised his eyes up to meet mine. "Aren't you getting hot in that sweatshirt?"
Did I really want to play this game with him?
"Yes, actually, I am getting a little warm." I pulled the sweatshirt up over my head and tossed it over to the chair.
Will closed his eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. His hands stayed at my hips, and he didn't make an effort to move further. When he opened his eyes, he stared into mine with a deep hunger that was so different than our usual playful exchanges.
I had been afraid to take things further with Will before. We danced around it on nearly a nightly basis when we were at the military base. Sleeping in the same room together made it difficult, but he never pushed.
"Maybe we should get some sleep," Will suggested.
A couple weeks ago in the safe confines of the base, I would have agreed. After nearly losing him and thinking I'd never see him alive again, I wasn't so sure to waiting was the best idea. Any day could be our last, and I was tired of wasting what little life I might have left.
"Maybe we should stay up." I tangled my fingers into his hair and pulled him closer to me.
Will was caught off guard. I knew he didn't expect that response, but it only took him a few seconds to adjust. He slid me by my hips to the edge of the counter and moved his hands up my back and around my neck.
"Then what shall we do instead?" His voice was low in his throat and full of need.
I leaned down and touched my lips to his. The buildup of static shocked me and I jumped back a bit.
Will ran the back of his knuckles over my cheek. "If you're not ready …”
I pulled him by the collar of his shirt against me. I could feel his heart thumping against mine. "I am."
"You are what?" Will held back, his eyes focused on my lips.
"Ready." I breathed against him.
He looked up to my eyes and licked over his bottom lip, as if he were contemplating whether or not to believe me. A small bit of panic bubbled up, and I thought he was about to change his mind or tell me no for my own benefit. I needed to make sure he understood I wasn't at all unsure about what I wanted. I had no clue where my sudden burst of bravery came from, but I was going to take advantage of it.
I pulled his t-shirt out of its neatly tucked position in his pants and slid my hands under it. His chest was warm under my much cooler hands, and he jumped at my touch.
His eyes moved back and forth between my hands and my face, waiting to see what I would do next. My new-found courage was waning. I hadn't thought past that moment and I wasn't quite sure where to go from there.
Will reached up to tuck my overgrown hair behind my ear and smiled. He was giving me a chance to back out or move forward, letting me know he was okay with either. It was exactly the thing I needed to renew my courage.
I pushed his shirt up and pulled it over his head. I gripped the fabric in my hands, almost afraid to let it go. Will took it from me and tossed it on the chair with my sweatshirt. He slipped his hands over mine and leaned up to kiss me soft on the lips.
Will backed up and looked at me once again to ensure I hadn't changed my mind. When he was convinced, he lifted my shirt up and over my head, then tossed it aside. I shivered … only partly from the cold.
He dragged his knuckles up my stomach and back down. Goosebumps followed the trail, and my breath caught in my throat. At that point, the only thought going through my mind was an endless loop of ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod.
"You're absolutely positive?" he asked against my lips.
I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to be positive about anymore, but my whole body screamed yes, so I nodded. Will slipped his hands under me and lifted me off the counter. I wrapped my legs around him in response, and he carried me over to the bed.
Fear and uncertainty melted away as I looked into his perfect green eyes. Nothing else mattered but the two of us in that moment. I was never more certain than anything in my life.
Chapter Twenty-Four
When I woke up, I was on my side, facing Will. He was awake and looking at me with a goofy smile.
"Is it morning?" I yawned and tried to pry both my eyes open at the same time.
Will leaned over and kissed my nose. "Pretty much. You slept well."
"How would you know?"
"I didn't get much sleep."
"Oh, so you've been laying here watching me sleep then?"
Will laughed. "That and thinking. Your sleep talking is always good for some amusement. It might even be better than sleep."
I slapped his arm and tried to hold back a smile. “What were you thinking about?”
“Us, life, Janet. I just can’t help but feel guilty. If I had made it back sooner, she would still be alive.” Will’s eyes fell and he leaned back against the wall.
“Will, if you could have made it back, you would have. I’m the one who dragged her out when she wanted to wait.”
Will sighed. “Babe, it’s not your fault.”
“But it feels like it is. Same as you. It’s not your fault either. Janet was special. It’s not going to be easy to get past her death.” I tried to ignore the twinge of pain in my chest that I felt when I thought of
Janet. “I miss her.”
Will forced a smile and clasped his hand in mine. “Me too.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, lost in thought, before either of us moved.
I’d seen so many people die since the outbreak began that I was almost desensitized to the whole idea of death. Janet was different though. Losing her caused an ache in me that I didn’t know how to fix. It was going to be a long time before it didn’t hurt so bad. By the look on Will’s face, I knew he felt exactly the same way, if not worse. He knew Janet a lot longer, and they were like brother and sister. He was hurting, even if he wasn’t really talking about it.
"We should get up and see if Jay and Mira need some help before we go. They get up at the ass crack of dawn every day."
I tried to get up but he pulled me back by the arm. "Hold on."
"What?"
His brow furrowed, and he gave me a serious look. "I think we should talk about last night."
"What about it?" It took me a moment to catch on to what he was talking about. Memories came flooding back of what happened between us.
"Andi, what happened was a big deal. Are you all right?"
Was I all right?
I’d waited a long time for that moment. Thought about it so many times and imagined what it would be like. It wasn’t anything like I imagined. That didn’t make it better or worse, just different. The truth was, I really didn’t know how I was. I felt like I needed time to process everything, to really see it from the outside. Right after, if he had asked me, I would have said I felt amazing. A little sore, but amazing. In the harsh daylight, half naked under a blanket with an equally half naked man, I was a little less sure. But I wasn’t about to tell him that.
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
He narrowed his eyes and looked over me. "You don't regret it?"
"Of course I don't regret it. I love you, Will. Last night was incredible. Now can I get dressed? I'm kind of freezing."
He let go of my arm and nodded. I was glad he didn’t push it. Besides, it wasn’t like I was lying. I absolutely did not regret it. I really did love him, and after thinking he was dead, I didn’t want to waste anymore opportunities to live life.
I slipped on some mostly-clean clothes while Will did the same. When I reached for the sweatshirt I had on the night before, the one that belonged to Dan, Will took it from me and handed me one of his instead.
I raised an eyebrow and stared at him. "Seriously? You're going to be jealous over a sweatshirt? After last night?"
Will stuffed Dan's sweatshirt into my pack and smiled. "Yup. If you're going to smell like another guy, it's going to be me. At least for today."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I think I already smell like you."
"Good." He pulled me in close for a kiss.
His body pressed up against me brought out a warm tingling that made me want to pull him even closer and feel him against my skin. My hands tangled into his hair, and all thoughts of breathing were lost.
Will nudged me back a little and pulled his lips from mine. "Hold on there, wild cat. You don't stop that right now and we aren't making it to breakfast."
I never knew what I was missing before, never understood what the big deal was. I couldn't say that anymore. I knew, and I wanted more. In another life, I might have thought there was all the time in the world for more, that it could wait, but that wasn't my life.
"Who needs breakfast?" I whispered against his lips.
We walked next door to the cafe just as everyone was finishing up.
"I was about to send a search party out for you two," Jay said and Mira kicked him under the table.
Jenny was talking to Izzy about some bracelet design and what colors would look the most awesome. Dan was sitting quietly, pushing a bit of egg around on his plate. Dan was never sullen and I felt a twinge of guilt when I looked at him there. I couldn't shake the feeling that everyone knew what happened, like I was wearing some sign that read 'Will and I had sex.'
Mira dished some eggs onto two plates and handed them to us. "Eat up. Last thing I need is leftover eggs."
I sat down next to Dan and elbowed him in the side. "You don't like eggs?"
He gave me a weak smile. "The eggs are fine. Just not much of an appetite this morning."
Dan always had an appetite.
"Are you sick?"
I reached over to feel his forehead, but he stopped me. "I'm fine."
He got up from the table and followed Jay out back to finish up the last bit of the trap they were working on.
Will noticed the exchange between us and gave me a funny look. "What was that about?"
I swallowed hard.
Hopefully not what I think it's about.
“Hey, Will, why don't you go give them a hand so you guys aren't stuck here too long. I know you have a long walk ahead of you," Mira said and took his plate back as soon as he forked the last bite of egg into his mouth.
He nodded. It wasn't hard to tell she was trying to get rid of him. As soon as Will was gone, she sent the girls in the back to work on their bracelets so we could talk.
"Okay, dish. What is going on between you and Dan?"
"Huh? What are you talking about? I'm with Will."
Mira laughed. "Cupcake, I know a love triangle when I see one. Yesterday that boy was looking at you like you were his one true love and today he won't even look at you."
"But nothing happened? We didn't have a fight or anything. And by the way, we're just friends. There is nothing going on between us."
Mira snorted. "Andi, something most definitely happened. Thin walls, remember? And you have to know he is completely in love with you … even if you are going to deny there's anything going on."
I stared at her with wide eyes. "You could … hear us?"
She laughed out loud. "Yes."
"And Dan …”
"He was right next door." She took the chair next to me and rubbed her had on my back to sooth me. "Or he was. I found him in a sleeping bag in here when I came in to make breakfast."
"He slept in the cafe? Alone?"
She gave me a weak smile. "Looked like it. So what's the deal? You were with Dan first or something?"
"No. Seriously, we are only friends. He has feelings for me, but I love Will."
"He has more than feelings for you, Hon."
I took a deep breath and let out a sigh. "I care about him. I don't want to lose him as a friend. What am I supposed to do?"
"You need to give him some time. If the friendship means anything to him, he'll get over it. I'm guessing that was the first time he heard you two, uh …”
"It was the first time, period." I shifted in the chair, a little uncomfortable talking about it.
"Oh!" Mira's surprise was replaced with a devious smile. "So, how was it?"
"Amazing." I couldn't help but smile at the memory.
"On a scale of one to ten, how did he compare?"
I shrugged. "I don't really have anything to compare it to."
Her mouth dropped open and she was speechless for a brief moment. "Wait, what? That was your first time, ever?"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head at her. "Yes, Mira. It was my first time."
"Wow. Well that's a big deal. He did know, right?"
"Of course he knew."
Mira got up and started clearing the dishes. "What were you waiting for? Life is short, ya know."
"I know." I sighed. "I guess I was afraid."
"I get that. I was terrified my first time."
"Ugh. Can we talk about something else, please?"
"Sure." Mira held a sponge in my direction. "You can tell me all about how much you like washing dishes."
I would rather wash dishes than have that conversation, for sure. In my old post-zombie-apocalypse life, I would have been dying to tell Amy every single detail the moment it was over. I probably would have exploded on her the second I saw her face, but my best friend was gone, and I couldn't bring myself
to replace her.
By the time we got the breakfast mess cleaned up, the guys were finished with the trap. Dan was back to looking at me, but he still didn't seem quite right. I overheard Jay telling Mira that Will and Dan had a fight while they were outside working. He didn't give any details, but he didn't seem surprised about it.
We said goodbye to Izzy and our other friends, and went on our way. My feet were still sore from the blisters, but I was ready to get back to the basement. Everything would be better then. I was going to keep telling myself that, anyway.
Normally when we walked together, Dan hung back and walked at a slower pace with me, and Will stayed a yard or two ahead. The guys were still being weird, though, and Dan was the one up ahead. Will kept pace with me and insisted on holding my hand for the entire first hour.
We came across a few flesh eaters, and Dan insisted on handling each one himself. He took his frustrations out on the walking corpses. One he even knocked to the ground and stomped on its head to kill it, splashing it's rotten brains all over a nearby tree. It wasn't at all like Dan to even be angry, and I hated that it was all my fault.
We managed to get halfway home before I couldn't take it any longer.
"I need a break." I sat down on a fallen tree and waited for the guys to pay attention.
Will rolled his eyes. "Already? I thought Janet toughened you up?"
Dan walked back and sat next to me. "You hungry?" He opened his backpack and pulled out a small container with some berries in it.
"Kind of, yeah." I recognized the berries. They were tart and almost tasted like blueberries. I took a few and passed the container back to him.
He popped a few in his mouth and held the container out to Will. "You want some?"
It was the first civil exchange between them the whole day. Will nodded and grabbed a handful of berries.
"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" I glanced from Will to Dan to gauge their reaction.
Dan just shook his head, but Will seemed more annoyed.
"No, Andi. It wasn't hard. There are some things you share, and some things you don't." He glared at Dan, and I knew he was talking about me.
That did not go how I planned, at all.
